Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Your thinking about it because your constantly talking about it Ella.
It's normal to have memorizes here and there. It's not normal to obsess and keep talking about it years after the fact.
And I love Therapy and I believe in therapy but sometimes you need to stop opening up the scab and just let it heal.
But I only talk about it because I can't stop thinking about it, not the other way around. It is said that the mouth speaks out of the abundance of the heart, and for me that is often true.



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post #137 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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I think it is coming into your mind because you still have some healing you need to do.


I'm sorry I disagree with this.

What does she need to get over? She was feeling vulnerable, bored in her marriage, she made a stupid decision to get involved with another man who took advantage of you. She trusted a man, while breaking the trust of her husband and it turned out he wasn't trust worthy after all. Her husband forgave her. Yea she may have some bad memories here and there but again she put herself in an bad situation and it didn't work out. She learned her lesson.
Your making it bigger than it is. Your letting it consume your life. You need to forget about it, you learned your lesson. She knows why she did it. Her husband forgave her. So what is the problem?
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post #138 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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But I only talk about it because I can't stop thinking about it, not the other way around. It is said that the mouth speaks out of the abundance of the heart, and for me that is often true.


Ella why do you keep thinking about it?
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post #139 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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That is not "dealing with it," Katie.

These feelings are not going to just go away, Ella. Your husband needs to hear them, and you.

What are you scared of, ultimately? That he will leave you?
I'm afraid that he will tell me that my feelings aren't important. Or that he'll say I don't deserve to talk about them in some way or another. I'm afraid that he might imply either or both of those things through body language. I'm afraid he'll be angry that I can't control my own thoughts. That he'll tell me to stop talking and go away, that I'm bothering him. I don't think he'd leave me, but he might be repulsed by me for a while, worst-case scenario.


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post #140 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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I'm sorry I disagree with this.

What does she need to get over? She was feeling vulnerable, bored in her marriage, she made a stupid decision to get involved with another man who took advantage of you. She trusted a man, while breaking the trust of her husband and it turned out he wasn't trust worthy after all. Her husband forgave her. Yea she may have some bad memories here and there but again she put herself in an bad situation and it didn't work out. She learned her lesson.
Your making it bigger than it is. Your letting it consume your life. You need to forget about it, you learned your lesson. She knows why she did it. Her husband forgave her. So what is the problem?
If you were in Ella's shoes, it might all be as simple as you are making it out to be.

I just do not think it is the same for Ella.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #141 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

I'm sorry but you will never feel peace if you don't learn to let it go. You learned everything you could about this affair. You are very self aware and you know that.

If you keep talking about it, discussing it in therapy you are keeping it alive. You are choosing to keep it alive. Ella listen to me... you are choosing to keep it alive.

What else do you want? What do you need to happen for you to let it go?
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post #142 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Ella why do you keep thinking about it?
I wish I knew! I don't know! I don't know how to make any of it go away. I can distract myself for a little while, but it always comes back. I remember HE once called me fat. His daughter was underweight and he said he liked thin girls. I wonder if that had anything to do with the EDNOS I developed in 2016. I don't think it does. I wish I could make him go away...

I've been listening to that song from Portal, "Want you gone". That's how I feel about OM.

Well here we are again
It's always such a pleasure
Remember when you tried
to kill me twice?
Oh how we laughed and laughed
Except I wasn't laughing
Under the circumstances
I've been shockingly nice

You want your freedom?
Take it
That's what I'm counting on

I used to want you dead
but
Now I only want you gone

I've been NC with him for 3 years but the memories won't get lost.


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post #143 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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That is not "dealing with it," Katie.



These feelings are not going to just go away, Ella. Your husband needs to hear them, and you.



What are you scared of, ultimately? That he will leave you?


Dealing with it?? She made a mistake and she learned her lesson. What do you mean by deal with it?

Plenty of people have made mistakes that are huge, they learn from them and move on. They don't talk about it for years and let it haunt them. Keep what's in the past in the past. Move forward, look ahead not back.
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post #144 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
I'm afraid that he will tell me that my feelings aren't important. Or that he'll say I don't deserve to talk about them in some way or another. I'm afraid that he might imply either or both of those things through body language. I'm afraid he'll be angry that I can't control my own thoughts. That he'll tell me to stop talking and go away, that I'm bothering him. I don't think he'd leave me, but he might be repulsed by me for a while, worst-case scenario.


What does this have to do with the affair?
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post #145 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
I'm afraid that he will tell me that my feelings aren't important. Or that he'll say I don't deserve to talk about them in some way or another. I'm afraid that he might imply either or both of those things through body language. I'm afraid he'll be angry that I can't control my own thoughts. That he'll tell me to stop talking and go away, that I'm bothering him. I don't think he'd leave me, but he might be repulsed by me for a while, worst-case scenario.
You are very sensitive, Ella. It is part of your sweetness. Your husband surely loves that about you.

And as much as he appreciates your sweetness, he also needs your honesty. He needs it as much for his own growth as for that of the marriage.

It would be a very good idea to tell him what you have written above. You could go to him and very vulnerably share those fears. I think that would be very honest and open, and very healthy.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #146 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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What does this have to do with the affair?
@jld asked me what I was afraid would happen if I talked about my feelings/trauma with my husband. That was my answer.


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post #147 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

What are your feelings Ella? That your unhappy? That you miss the OM?
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post #148 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:43 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
I wish I knew! I don't know! I don't know how to make any of it go away. I can distract myself for a little while, but it always comes back. I remember HE once called me fat. His daughter was underweight and he said he liked thin girls. I wonder if that had anything to do with the EDNOS I developed in 2016. I don't think it does. I wish I could make him go away...

I've been listening to that song from Portal, "Want you gone". That's how I feel about OM.

Well here we are again
It's always such a pleasure
Remember when you tried
to kill me twice?
Oh how we laughed and laughed
Except I wasn't laughing
Under the circumstances
I've been shockingly nice

You want your freedom?
Take it
That's what I'm counting on

I used to want you dead
but
Now I only want you gone

I've been NC with him for 3 years but the memories won't get lost.
The only way over this is through it, Ella.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #149 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:44 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Dealing with it?? She made a mistake and she learned her lesson. What do you mean by deal with it?

Plenty of people have made mistakes that are huge, they learn from them and move on. They don't talk about it for years and let it haunt them. Keep what's in the past in the past. Move forward, look ahead not back.
Ella is an intelligent young woman, Katie. She is not a rugsweeper. For her to have peace, she needs to work through all of this . . . with her husband.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #150 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:47 PM
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Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
@jld asked me what I was afraid would happen if I talked about my feelings/trauma with my husband. That was my answer.


Your husband has already forgave you. He knows that you're sorry and he deeply loves you, and he knows that you love him.

What feelings are you ashamed to tell him?
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