Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion
Ella, you are a human being, flaws in all, and will never be perfect. That holds true for me also, and everyone posting here at TAM. Nobody is perfect. Being a betrayed spouse, I can't tell you how badly I was hurt. I can tell you I tried to kill myself, pause right here, do you understand what it really feels like to see death as the only answer? I had never thought of suicide before, never had I felt as hopeless as I did that night. Just me and my weapon at the kitchen table that night. Alas I'm still here, but for months afterward I still wished I wasn't here. Death would have ended my pain, death was my way of dealing with the devastation. Everything else was dead, no big deal if I die too. Have you ever been in that mindset that has you at such a low point? I don't blame my wife entirely, I coped in the worst way possible, and I'm now a much different man.
Wayward spouses are still human beings also. I can only really speak about my wife, as I have seen what she goes through and how she copes. I know for a fact my wife would give her life if it meant she didn't hurt me with her affair. But what's done is done, and we can't change anything. Many here feel my wife is a vile and cruel person, what she did was vile and cruel. That doesn't mean she can't change, that doesn't mean she can't have value and worth. My wife has worked very hard to prove she is worthy and valuable. The posters here still may not accept that, they have their opinion and I'm ok with that. I don't protect her here, if I'm here ten years from now maybe I will. It's still to soon for me to protect her. That doesn't make her efforts any less, it doesn't mean she won't have worth and value. It doesn't mean she won't be respected down the road. Nobody knows what she will be in ten years including me.
I believe people can change, some who cheat can and do change, then again some don't. Some understand and get what they have done, some don't. It comes down to a persons core belief, that they accept their flaws, work on them and become a better person. Some can self reflect, make the changes and become better people. Our MC had to tell my wife on numerous occasions that what she chose to do was bad, but she can be a good person and is. Honestly the first time our therapist said this I thought she was crazy, nope, she was correct.
Everyone has the potential to do good or bad. My wife chose to make the worst decision of her life, and that decision had life altering effects. What she is doing now is also life altering, but now it's in a positive way. If you didn't know my wife had a six month long affair with her co-worker. That affair produced twin boys, and I found out the paternity two days after d-day. D-day was two and a half years after the affair stopped. My wife ended the affair.
Forgiving yourself is necessary, you need to so you can move forward in healing. If you don't forgive yourself you can't heal, not healing means you aren't making all of the necessary changes to yourself. Constantly beating yourself up is not healthy either, learn from you choices and make better choices in the future. But that means you need to move forward without forgetting.
Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.