Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
And to that I have no defense. I never have. I will say as I have been saying, that the part of my Affair where I flirted with the other man and fell for him, before the abuse started, was entirely, fully, and 100% my fault and my responsibility. It was selfish and short-sighted, and I have no defense. I broke my vows to the man I promised to love. My actions could have and should have damaged him irreparably. I am phenomenally lucky I didn't cause him more pain than I did. It is still my duty and my honor to help him deal with whatever triggers he may have stemming from it for the rest of our lives.
Again this goes back to what I have said about separating the two. You don't do that, you bring up the rightfully sympathetic part of your story and always attach that to your cheating. They have nothing to do with each other, other then one action was brought on the other. You cheated and betrayed your spouse. Full stop. A man abused you full stop.
The cheating was a active choice you made. The other was a result of something someone did to you.
Until you start to think of your own cheating without muddling the waters with what this man did to you you will never really fully understand or heal from it. So when you talk about all the people who were helping you, they were NOT helping because the had sympathy for you as a cheater. They were helping you because of the abuse you suffered. If you had not been abused you would have gotten a lot less sympathy, probably none, and truthfully you don't deserve a lot of sympathy in that instance.
Again none of the compassion you got was because people felt bad for you because you decided to betray your spouse. Again until you understand that both things, your abuse, and your cheating are not he same thing you will not get it. Almost all of your healing you talk about here is healing from abuse. I would contend that you are still trying to understand and heal from the idea that you did such an awful thing to the person who loves you. You haven't dealt with that because you haven't separated it.
So most of the pain and the healing you are talking about even in this thread are really not about being a WS or infidelity. The pain you talk about here are pains from abuse, because you equate the two you equate the healing as well. But you are wrong to equate the two. This is where the disconnect is for you and the posters. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
Compartmentalize the pain you feel and ONLY feel for cheating on your husband. That is similar to what any cheater feels. Do you believe you deserve to pamper yourself for that pain, or do you believe that you deserve all the pain you feel for doing that? When you think of what you did do you think you need to take time for yourself? Or do you think you should work really hard because of the wrong you did?