Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:35 AM Thread Starter
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Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

Continuing on from the other 14-page thread which was entitled, "What advice would you give to a wayward/betrayed spouse and why?", this thread is just the same, only with a more fitting title.

If you haven't read the thread, it was basically my argument that even wayward spouses, being that they are human beings, have a fundamental right to self-care and self-compassion, and that such would actually enable them to be better healers to their betrayed spouses when they needed to be. The counterargument was that any talk of the wayward spouse feeling anything but self-hatred was a knife in the back of the betrayed.

Quote:
Anyway, the point is that I'm generally able to see both sides of almost any story, and have compassion for most people. Even if I dislike them or find their actions distasteful or immoral, I can usually understand to some extent what made them feel led to act that way. This does not seem to go over well when I extend this compassion to wayward spouses. I am of the sort of mind that I could go over and put my arms around the gutted, hysterically weeping betrayed spouse, offer them chamomile tea and my handkerchief, and tell them that their spouse's infidelity was cruel and thoughtless and that they have every right to be upset for as long as they need. Then immediately after, I can also comfort the wayward spouse, offer them the same crying shoulder, and tell them I know it's hard seeing the unintended consequences of their actions.

I would make for a very poor prosecutor, because were I to be at a murder trial, I could comfort the victim and the perpetrator in the same hour! "I know you didn't mean to kill him", I would say, to the shock and horror of the bereaved.

I honestly do not believe that I fail to see how horrible infidelity can be to the betrayed spouse. I really don't. I've read so many personal accounts and seen the tears of disbelief on my own husband's face. I'm sure it can seem like I'm just flippant or callous when I'm sitting here showing "sympathy to the devil" as it were.

But the devil used to be God's favourite angel, and there are so many people crying in courtrooms, be they murder trials or divorce

I am beginning to understand that, yes, the wayward spouse's pain might further trigger a betrayed spouse, but on an emotional level, I have yet to discover precisely why.
If I may paste the last thing I wrote on the other thread:

Quote:
How exactly is sympathy akin to invalidation? They are the opposite! One must first understand someone's pain, thereby validating it at least in some aspect, before they can show sympathy. And I don't doubt @sokillme would say the very same thing to my husband as he has said to other betrayed spouses here- that is, to leave me as fast as possible. Perhaps, sokillme, you should examine why it is that you can extend mercy to a wayward spouse after you get to know them, but not before.
Let us continue.



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post #2 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:10 AM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

Fitting title.

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Sympathy For The Devil
The Rolling Stones

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul to waste

And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain

I rode a tank
Held a general's rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
(Woo woo, woo woo)

I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
(Woo woo, woo woo)

I shouted out,
Who killed the Kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
(Who who, who who)

Let me please introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached Bombay
(Woo woo, who who)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
(Who who)
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
(Who who, who who)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
(Woo woo, who who)

Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
'Cause I'm in need of some restraint
(Who who, who who)

So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
(Woo woo)

Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, mm yeah
(Woo woo, woo woo)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, mm yeah
(Who who)
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, mm mean it, get down
(Woo woo, woo woo)

Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
(Woo woo)

Tell me baby, what's my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, what's my name
I tell you one time, you're to blame

Oh, who
Woo, woo
Woo, who
Woo, woo
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who

Oh, yeah
What's my name
Tell me, baby, what's my name
Tell me, sweetie, what's my name

Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Oh, yeah
Woo woo
Woo woo

Songwriters: KEITH RICHARDS, MICK JAGGER
© Abkco Music, Inc.
For non-commercial use only.
Data from: LyricFind
It's all from history. You can look up each stanza.

Sympathy for the Devil - Rolling Stones Live 1969 with the Hells Angels as concert security

Here's a high quality studio version of the song.

https://youtu.be/ZJTGaJbQu3s

Ella, only certain folks will understand the ramifications of infidelity for a betrayed spouse who has been hurt so badly they are changed for life.

You will never understand. Many betrayed don't understand other betrayed spouses.

Even if you experience being a betrayed spouse, you won't understand. It won't affect you the same. It's just a matter of who we are as individuals.

Personally, it doesn't matter what the circumstances were. I feel the same about infidelity and the unfaithful. Those who find excuses are those who can't accept responsibility for their actions. They will never feel true remorse, nor sympathy for their betrayed. They can only feel it for themselves.

Aren't you simply proving that with both of these threads?

When all choices are taken away, I will have sympathy. But then, isn't that rape? I think we can, all BS and WS, get together and say we have sympathy for rape victims.

Don't you think it's time for acceptance?

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."

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post #3 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

I think that you are having trouble getting these answers because we are all human beings. We each feel differently to a situation, and what may bother you not bother me. Infidelity is a complex situation with so many variables and nuances for both spouses to consider. Again, what may bother you might not bother me. You may feel the lies and deception were the worst, and I may feel that the time and emotions spent on the affair bothered me. You may feel guilty after you've had sex with OM/OW, but where was that guilt before you had sex? Did your spouse ever come into your mind? If your spouse did come into your mind, how could you be so cruel to keep going? Why not stop?

Obviously I'm a betrayed spouse, and my wife's affair produced twin boys. If you could honestly show compassion to my wife AND THE OM, then you are a far better person then I. Not that I'm some great person, not that I'm better then anyone else, but I just can't give compassion to OM. It was very hard for me to just not destroy my wife, but I didn't, my boys need their mom. It was when I came to know I didn't need her to survive did our reconciliation become better. You may have an issue with this, but the truth is a good marriage exists when both spouses know they could live well without each other. This shows that each spouse is independent, self confident, good self esteem, and chooses to love their spouse. This is why codependency is such a silent marriage killer, it's unhealthy.

It has taken me three years to begin to really understand infidelity. My understanding is also from the betrayeds perspective, even though I try to place myself into a WS's shoes. I'm not so good at that, my anger over seeing someone get destroyed usually takes over. However, there are many former WS's who I have so much respect for on this site. They are around, they get what they did, and there are some who just don't get it and never will. I asked my wife a question after she said she finally realized how much I love her. My question was how could you not know? Everything I did was for my family, I am fallible as much as the next person, but I also wasn't the worst husband in the world.

I've admitted to bringing several toxic issues into my marriage. I have worked very hard to correct these issues, and I will now be a better spouse to my wife or someone else. I have work to do as does my wife, when we stop doing the work is when I pull the plug. If she stops I'm done, if I stop I obviously can't continue to move forward, so then I'm done. It has to be a joint effort on both spouses parts or it won't work.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #4 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Aaaaand I'm done. Are you a troll? Really Ella? It's really that hard for you to comprehend how someone who did the most hurtful thing possible short of maiming a person's child (and that's not hyperbole, talk to any betrayed spouse, they will tell you that this pain is far beyond the death of a parent, the loss of a coveted job, etc). Is it really hard for you to understand how someone who has been subjected to that level of pain and humilation at the hands of their spouse might not really want to hear how tough it is FOR YOU?

How they might, just maybe, not have the bandwidth to deal with yet ANOTHER one of a cheater's self-inflicted problems? Your husband must be a saint. Or, as I'm starting to wonder, maybe you just can't see beyond the end of your own nose. Which ... sounds like a cheater to me.

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck ... Ella, are you a duck?
She is a former wayward. That being said, even many former wayward spouses, at her supposed stage of infidelity recovery, can at least accept that they don't understand, and offer empathy, rather than continually attempt to justify and prove that there are conditions under which infidelity is the best choice out of a number of choices.

Seems like there is a relationship between their reactions to what they have done and it's impact with, psychopathy and some Asperger's, Narcissism and maybe other cluster B personality disorders when thinking about some wayward spouses.

Note: I'm not a doctor and that last paragraph should be taken as an observance, not as a diagnosis or a disparaging remark to all wayward spouses. Look these up and you will be surprised how they overlap and relate to this discussion.

No, I'm not accusing you, Elle, of having any of these. I'm just trying to understand how some wayward spouses might find it tough to understand.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/psychopathy

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basi...rgers-syndrome

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...the-antisocial

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basi...lity-disorders

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"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #5 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

I've been cheated on and damaged during two relationships.

looking back after a few years, even though there is still some pain and perplextion,
I can feel sympathy for my ex's. Yes they are human beings and worthy of sympathy.

They dont get it. They wont change. They live in a different world than me.
I still hurt a bit from time to time. But I have no ill will towards them.
they gave me good things and bad. One gave me the best times in my life.
and also some of the worst.
the other was a train wreck, but I still wish her well from afar.

what is it exactly you are trying to tell us?
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post #6 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
I've been cheated on and damaged during two relationships.

looking back after a few years, even though there is still some pain and perplextion,
I can feel sympathy for my ex's. Yes they are human beings and worthy of sympathy.

They dont get it. They wont change. They live in a different world than me.
I still hurt a bit from time to time. But I have no ill will towards them.
they gave me good things and bad. One gave me the best times in my life.
and also some of the worst.
the other was a train wreck, but I still wish her well from afar.

what is it exactly you are trying to tell us?
Quote:
If you haven't read the thread, it was basically my argument that even wayward spouses, being that they are human beings, have a fundamental right to self-care and self-compassion, and that such would actually enable them to be better healers to their betrayed spouses when they needed to be.

Quote:
I am beginning to understand that, yes, the wayward spouse's pain might further trigger a betrayed spouse, but on an emotional level, I have yet to discover precisely why.
If I may paste the last thing I wrote on the other thread:


Quote:
How exactly is sympathy akin to invalidation? They are the opposite! One must first understand someone's pain, thereby validating it at least in some aspect, before they can show sympathy. And I don't doubt @sokillme would say the very same thing to my husband as he has said to other betrayed spouses here- that is, to leave me as fast as possible. Perhaps, sokillme, you should examine why it is that you can extend mercy to a wayward spouse after you get to know them, but not before.
So, jorgene, Ella believes a betrayed spouse must experience the pain that the wayward went through, before they can understand the reasons for the infidelity.

I don't doubt that in principle.

She also doesn't believe that infidelity is a good enough reason for a betrayed spouse to divorce. She seems to think that it is important to understand what was bothering the wayward so much, they just had to sleep with another person.

There was no choice because it was the only thing shocking enough to cause some of these heartless betrayed spouses to change their ways and start to treat their wives like they've always wanted to be treated.

If the betrayed divorces the wayward, it will all have been for nothing, since the betrayal was simply to punish the betrayed, not cause them enough pain to divorce.

How insensitive that seems. The betrayed forced the wayward into doing something rash to make them do what they want. Why can't the betrayed just realize that and come around.

I mean, the wayward has put so so much into the marriage, and the retraining of her husband, it doesn't seem fair to throw it all away.

You just have to come at them from a different angle to get the betrayed to suffer correctly. They must be shown to have been a turd in actions to a saint, or martyr, whichever you prefer. The poor martyr wayward has been through hell.

Now, explain to me how the wayward was treated by the OM/OW?

Pretty darn good, right?

Keep eatin' the soylent green. It's good for you, jorgene. Nevermind it's crackers made from the dead. It's nutritious!

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post #7 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
Now, I understand you're not advocating that cheaters go up to their spouses and say "Baby, I know I ripped your heart out, but I need you to focus on my pain for a moment." I understand that's not what you're advocating. But by writing your articles and starting multiple threads here now, you are doggedly trying to elevate this perspective in the hierarchy of what is important while ignoring the fact that there is potentially direct, negative consequences. To whit, most wayward spouses need help to STOP putting themselves first. And unfortunately, your advice, well-intentioned as it may be, just gives people on the fence a reason to think that maybe they're not so bad for putting themselves first YET AGAIN i.e. "Look baby, other people on the Internet think I should take care of myself first because really that's going to be good for you!" CUT TO: bewildered, hurt look on a betrayed spouses face.

And once again, I'll reiterate -- YOUR SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. Not only in how it played out but where you are in the process. You cheated. You've been forgiven, now you can deal with the hurt on your side in a healthy, safe space. That's great for you. Unfortunately, most people here, myself included, are still at step one of that trifecta. Our spouses cheated. There is no forgiveness yet. There can be no focus on healing for the perpetrator. Not yet. You're giving advice on how to stay hydrated during a marathon when most cheaters are still trying to figure out their Couch-to-5k training plan.

And that is why you're getting such a pushback. You're not qualified to instruct, and you're talking about the wrong parts of the process (at least for most people here). Can you not see that?
Very well. I do see what you're saying about being hydrated during a marathon when most are only just getting on the treadmill. Perhaps too much focus on the wayward spouse might make him think he (or she) has permission to put their wants above their spouse's needs, and that's a problem. I have tried to address this tastefully, without saying to the wayward spouse, "You can't have healing yet" because the wayward spouse probably is hurt to some degree or another by their action, even if that hurt really only amounts to longing for their AP. Would it make my words softer for the betrayed if I wrote an article, for them, too? I really see no need for that as so many authors have stepped in on their behalf and offered them much better help than I can provide.




Quote:
Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
Aaaaand I'm done. Are you a troll? Really Ella? It's really that hard for you to comprehend how someone who did the most hurtful thing possible short of maiming a person's child (and that's not hyperbole, talk to any betrayed spouse, they will tell you that this pain is far beyond the death of a parent, the loss of a coveted job, etc). Is it really hard for you to understand how someone who has been subjected to that level of pain and humilation at the hands of their spouse might not really want to hear how tough it is FOR YOU?

How they might, just maybe, not have the bandwidth to deal with yet ANOTHER one of a cheater's self-inflicted problems? Your husband must be a saint. Or, as I'm starting to wonder, maybe you just can't see beyond the end of your own nose. Which ... sounds like a cheater to me.

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck ... Ella, are you a duck?
No, no, you misunderstand me. I'm sorry; I should have been clearer. Let me try again.

I do very much understand how betrayed spouses are, in the first months, unable to look at their wayward spouses with empathy. That even seeing their face brings back gut-wrenching panic, nausea, terror, and grief. But as you said, it was different for me.

When I first went into hospital, it was very much "all about me" from the get-go. My weeping mother, hugging me and telling me, "Don't come out before you're better." At first I was more than willing to call a spade a spade, albeit in a very selfish way. I had an affair, and I'm moving out to be with my lover. Let me go so I can be with him. My husband will be better off divorced. But as I started to talk to these doctors about why I was starving myself, changing my hairstyle, and having constant panic attacks, they immediately rushed in with sympathy and compassion. "Don't you understand that he did this to you? He's not your lover, he's your abuser. We're here to help you." They all had a battered woman narrative, and to them I fit that role.

The doctors helped me see who my OM really was. When people came home and accused me- correctly- of cheating on my husband- I still literally broke down into inconsolable wailing, even months later. The shame I felt was almost unbearable. It would be another two years, nearly, before I could even begin to confront that shame, let alone face up to the consequences of my actions and try to make amends.

My experience of being a victim of abuse and a wayward spouse made me wonder how much these other wayward spouses must suffer because no one cared for them in the same way that a small legion of doctors and psychologists cared for me. True, they were never abused, but they too must hurt. They too must feel assailed by guilt and shame and self-loathing, perhaps even more than me because they never had parts of their affair that were non-consensual. So, as there was no literature for them that didn't further fan the fires of their shame, I wrote my own.

Of course I can see how it might hurt the betrayed spouse to have to see someone having sympathy for their abusers. But I also remember the massive outpouring of support and help I got for my own affair, and feel pangs of sympathy that no such help is offered to other wayward spouses.


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post #8 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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post #9 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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So, jorgene, Ella believes a betrayed spouse must experience the pain that the wayward went through, before they can understand the reasons for the infidelity.

I don't doubt that in principle.

She also doesn't believe that infidelity is a good enough reason for a betrayed spouse to divorce. She seems to think that it is important to understand what was bothering the wayward so much, they just had to sleep with another person.

There was no choice because it was the only thing shocking enough to cause some of these heartless betrayed spouses to change their ways and start to treat their wives like they've always wanted to be treated.

If the betrayed divorces the wayward, it will all have been for nothing, since the betrayal was simply to punish the betrayed, not cause them enough pain to divorce.

How insensitive that seems. The betrayed forced the wayward into doing something rash to make them do what they want. Why can't the betrayed just realize that and come around.

I mean, the wayward has put so so much into the marriage, and the retraining of her husband, it doesn't seem fair to throw it all away.

You just have to come at them from a different angle to get the betrayed to suffer correctly. They must be shown to have been a turd in actions to a saint, or martyr, whichever you prefer. The poor martyr wayward has been through hell.

Now, explain to me how the wayward was treated by the OM/OW?

Pretty darn good, right?

Keep eatin' the soylent green. It's good for you, jorgene. Nevermind it's crackers made from the dead. It's nutritious!
You're very much putting words in my mouth that aren't there, I fear. I do not believe that if a betrayed spouse wants to divorce, that they shouldn't. The choice to stay or go is still always in the hands of the betrayed. The betrayed spouse did not force the wayward spouse to have an affair. That's all on the cheater. And yes, the cheater must understand that within himself, and understand what led to the affair. The betrayed spouse didn't make them do anything. How on earth you've come to these erroneous conclusions about my line of thought is beyond me.

Sympathy for a wayward spouse's pain and grief does NOT mean that the wayward spouse didn't completely cause his or her own suffering by choosing to cheat. But you simply don't walk up to a crying person and say, "You brought this on yourself. I don't feel sorry for you." Instead, you offer them your shoulder, and gently encourage them to put themselves aside for a short while to heal their betrayed spouse. And when they're done comforting their betrayed spouse for a day or a night, you give them your shoulder again.


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post #10 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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She is a former wayward.
Even if I hadn't known this fact already I certainly would've been clued in by the avalanche of rationalizations for why people should feel sorry for her and others like her.

But honestly I think Ella is just posting in the wrong forum. There's a subreddit over on Reddit devoted to adulterery: tips and moral support, etc now that ******* is shut down -- that might be more her target audience.

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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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post #12 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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You're very much putting words in my mouth that aren't there, I fear. I do not believe that if a betrayed spouse wants to divorce, that they shouldn't. The choice to stay or go is still always in the hands of the betrayed. The betrayed spouse did not force the wayward spouse to have an affair. That's all on the cheater. And yes, the cheater must understand that within himself, and understand what led to the affair. The betrayed spouse didn't make them do anything. How on earth you've come to these erroneous conclusions about my line of thought is beyond me.

Sympathy for a wayward spouse's pain and grief does NOT mean that the wayward spouse didn't completely cause his or her own suffering by choosing to cheat. But you simply don't walk up to a crying person and say, "You brought this on yourself. I don't feel sorry for you." Instead, you offer them your shoulder, and gently encourage them to put themselves aside for a short while to heal their betrayed spouse. And when they're done comforting their betrayed spouse for a day or a night, you give them your shoulder again.

I'm so sorry, Ella. I hope you find the sympathy you need. I'm all out. Take care.

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post #13 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:49 PM
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Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

Quote:
Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post

I am beginning to understand that, yes, the wayward spouse's pain might further trigger a betrayed spouse, but on an emotional level, I have yet to discover precisely why.
.

Ella... you either get it or don't get it. It's that simple. And I don't want to be rude, but there are people that are fundamentally challenged on empathy, and feeling certain emotions for others. Narcissists is one example. Sociopaths, even asperguers. My husband is like this... there is a piece missing from his brain that allows him to FEEL a certain way. He gets it from an intellectual point of view, but he doesn't FEEL it. He doesn't get it and he never will. You can't teach people to feel, they do or they don't.

I find it to be very strange that you want to keep the affair alive. That you want to keep the conversation going. I think that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, that you let this affair define you so much, and how you continue to let it be such a big part of your life. Your husband is over it. Why aren't you? You have to understand that this says something about who you are.

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post #14 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
I'm so sorry, Ella. I hope you find the sympathy you need. I'm all out. Take care.
I'm just fine. Thank you. I'm okay; I just want other waywards to come to be okay too. Take care.


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post #15 of 243 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sympathy for The Devil- Wayward Spouses and Compassion

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I find it to be very strange that you want to keep the affair alive. That you want to keep the conversation going. I think that there is fundamentally wrong with you, that you let this affair define you so much, and how you continue to let it be such a big part of your life. Your husband is over it. Why aren't you? You have to understand that this says something about who you are.
In my day-to-day life, outside of the forum, the OM is seldom a thought in my head. Even my nightmares aren't about him anymore, mostly. I originally came here because I wanted to talk about my husband and all the lovely things he does for me, and all the things I plan and orchestrate for him. I wanted to talk about my hopes for the future and worries that he might someday leave. But then I saw the CWI forum and found all these WS who are now where I was back in 2014-2015 with my healing. And they just got insulted and shamed, and I want to make sure other waywards know there's someone who hears them and wishes them comfort and peace. Nothing more. The affair and its aftermath are no longer the massive part of my life they once were, but rather like a plague survivor who has regained her life, I want to stay at the emotional bedsides of the sick and suffering, and offer support to the people for whom many here only feel disdain. That's so much more important that cataloging my happiness and my minor trials.


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