Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
Tonight, I stepped out of the fog I'VE been trapped in.
My husband... he's been abusive. And though he has "attempted" to make things right.... he's still being emotionally abusive. He does not understand that 3 years of lying and cheating, and making me take the blame, and allowing me to apologize.. well, it has taken a mighty big toll on me.
I don't know who I am as a person anymore.
I don't know right from wrong.
I don't feel like I can do right by him.
I am scared of him, honest to God, scared of him.
I feel like this "trying".... is just another time, like all the times before.. that he will trick me.
And all this made me think about our past.
How he allowed me to beg to be the wife "he deserved" and beg for another chance when I knew he had cheated... and he said it was ok, and he continued to cheat after telling me that we would work things out.
After threatening suicide when I told him I'd had enough, and I was done..... and letting me fall back into the insecure woman that took all the blame... He has been so hateful, I'm scared to accept his acts of "love and affection" because I am not sure if they are sincere or not... I don't know my own husband!!
How he grabbed my daughter's toy from her hand when he was angry at me, before she could walk, and threw it across the room.
How he yelled at her and told her if she wet the bed, she would sleep in it because he wasn't cleaning it up!
... and..so much more. so much more.. it just keeps coming to me, all the things I've suppressed from my memory.. it's starting to come back...
I know a part of me wants to kick him out, and I know a part of me will still hope for him to come running after me and seek help to change. No matter what I do I can't make him see the abuse he's putting on me and his daughter.
He is sleeping on the couch.. and I just can't calm my brain down enough to lay down on the bed.
A part of me wants to wake him up and tell him to leave... he has options. He could go to his Uncle's house..
But I know this is bad timing.. it's 1:50am and a part of me fears he would call the OW and go crash at her place.. or go to one of the random's from craigslists house... that he "only got a blowjob from".... because I demanded to know where it was..and he was able to show me... He remembers what house, he remembers where.... He could just go to their house.. He could if he wanted.
What do I do?
Do I let this eat at me until morning? Until our daughter is safe at daycare.. and he has had a night of sleep...??
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
You definitely aren't crazy. Sounds like he has trained you to doubt yourself. I think you have just come to a place where you can't accept the status quo anymore. And I don't blame you at all!!
In terms of your education - can you defer it for a semester? A LOT of people do this due to personal circumstances.. it is very common. I did it too! And all you have to do is go down there and fill out a form, really. And then you have 6 months before you have to worry about that side of things. A bit of breathing room, if you will.
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
Good... you need the rest right now. Do lock your door.. if he realizes that the money is gone he could go balistic. Remember to get your ring as well.
I need to get some sleep so I can xmas shop in a few hours. I have not bought a single present yet. It's a small XMAS this year as there are only 3 of us here this year. And I stopped doing too much of the commercial part of xmas not that my son is 22. I want more of the family and spiritual part of the holidays now.
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
You are doing the right thing, through all your posts and replys no one has even suggested that maybe you should reconcile...
That probably tells you all you need to know right now.
HE leaves...YOU stay...that's what you need to acheive and all the rest can follow at your own pace
You are doing the right thing, through all your posts and replys no one has even suggested that maybe you should reconcile...
That probably tells you all you need to know right now.
HE leaves...YOU stay...that's what you need to acheive and all the rest can follow at your own pace
Its hard to let go... When he's good to me, he's so good, and I want so bad to fall into his arms again. But I constantly worry that he will hurt me again.
And by his words today, he clearly does not see how much of a monster he was... Or else he refuses to admit it. I could show you email conversations from when he was away... where he clearly manipulated me, and I fell for it... And he accepted my apologies, and allowed me to take blame. Downright made me feel like I was nothing without him.. He let me
Feel that way.. My husband, who promises to protect me and never hurt me... He was the one hurting me. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
My daughter is at school. I have my ring... I'm parked two streets over from the house and it just hit me...should I take his car seat and put it in my trunk with the other one? Posted via Mobile Device
My daughter is at school. I have my ring... I'm parked two streets over from the house and it just hit me...should I take his car seat and put it in my trunk with the other one? Posted via Mobile Device
My mom stayed until me and my daughter left. We had to wait a bit for day care to open but I kept her laughing singing "monkeys on the bed" and "Jesus loves me"...
Now I'm thinking about making another daring decision... Taking the car seat from his truck... Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
You need breakfast. Sorry but you are running on sleep deprived thinking.
Go for breakfast. Somewhere you would not normally go. Park the car off a main road. You need to be strong for your daughter and to do that you need to eat and you need to sleep in the near future.
You need breakfast. Sorry but you are running on sleep deprived thinking.
Go for breakfast. Somewhere you would not normally go. Park the car off a main road. You need to be strong for your daughter and to do that you need to eat and you need to sleep in the near future.
You are right. In asl my haste, I forgot my wallet in my cars trunk. I have the keys to it though, the main and spare, so he can't get to it.
I'm going home. I'm going straight to the room, locking it, I'm going to take a shower then try to calmly get something to eat, grab my things and leave. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
You know you have to go through this **** to get to the other side...on the other side is calm and clarity and peace of mind....
kind of attractive isn't it?
You cannot stay as yo are...not for you or your daughter...
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
He woke up, noticed she was gone. I was putting new bedsheets on her bed because she had an accident.. He got scared. Asked me what was going on. I said I want him to leave. Tears. Sobbing. The same act. I told him I couldn't take the constant back and fourth. He tels me he understand one day, then takes his anger out on me the next, saying I'm blowing everything out of proportion. Really? NSA sex with men and women.... Risking my life... Without my knowledge. For three years and allowing me to take the blame, apologize, beg for another chance to make him happy. Im blowing that out of proportion.
He said he was sorry.
I said I can't take being kicked in the dirt, then apologized to. I doubt everything. I don't know who I am. I stay a conversation with him, sure of what I want to say and leave an argument wondering what happened our if I even had a valid point to begin with.. And I apologize for upsetting him.
No.. No... No
I'm not blowing anything out of proportion. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
He came up to grab me, hugged me, said he was sorry, so sorry. I just baked away and said to take that with him. He's packing his things, I'm locked in my room now. About to take a shower...
I may have gone about this wrong, but that's how it happened. Can't turn back now. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
This is so hard... This is so hard to take.. I am fighting back tears, fighting back asking him to stay.. There's a picture of my daughter on my wall... She's so innocent. I feel like this is right but when I lok at her I also feel its wrong. Posted via Mobile Device
This is so hard... This is so hard to take.. I am fighting back tears, fighting back asking him to stay.. There's a picture of my daughter on my wall... She's so innocent. I feel like this is right but when I lok at her I also feel its wrong. Posted via Mobile Device
Could he suffer PTSD from war? Maybe this will be the catalyst to jump start his recovery. For him - not the relationship. He isn't healthy for your daughter either. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
yes your daughter is innocent but you weren't the one who did this to her, it is your job to protect her and you can only do that if you are safe and make a better life for yourself
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
He has, no efforts of mine have persuaded him to seek help. He was molested as a child.. Just like my fathers abuse led me to a destructive past with older men, I understand the emotional and psychological effects that he had to endure. I asked to help him. He refused. I said I don't think less of him as a person, he told me to let it go. This was before he cheated. He said it want a problem. I said if he isn't comfortable with me being there, I could simply support him while he sought counseling. I again was told to let it go.
I know he is damaged. I know he is hurting, but I tried to help and he wouldn't let me, now.. Its bigger than me... Its bigger than him... In my opinion, the only one who is big enough for this is God. Posted via Mobile Device
He has, no efforts of mine have persuaded him to seek help. He was molested as a child.. Just like my fathers abuse led me to a destructive past with older men, I understand the emotional and psychological effects that he had to endure. I asked to help him. He refused. I said I don't think less of him as a person, he told me to let it go. This was before he cheated. He said it want a problem. I said if he isn't comfortable with me being there, I could simply support him while he sought counseling. I again was told to let it go.
I know he is damaged. I know he is hurting, but I tried to help and he wouldn't let me, now.. Its bigger than me... Its bigger than him... In my opinion, the only one who is big enough for this is God. Posted via Mobile Device
Either losing you and his daughter will be his rock bottom and spur him into action. If it's not, it's his decision and personally, I'd highly doubt he'd ever get help if this doesn't do it. But that said, you're doing this for you and your baby - not him. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
I just don't want my daughter to suffer for her parents mistakes.
My father cheated on my mom the whole 21 years they were married, which leaves me wondering how long would he have allowed this to continue had I not found out? Until I got an STD? HIV.. AIDS?
I saw my mom beg my father, on her hands and knees. She got breast cancer and he moved on with his life expecting her to die. Started another family. Got a woman, my mothers friend, pregnant with my half brother I have seen all of three times. He's ten!
I was three youngest child. I dried my moms tears when she prayed out loud for God to end her life. I was a child!
I suffered so much from that.
I became her.
My two year old daughter pat me on the back and said, "its ok mommy, I love you"
When my mom wished she would die I told her I needed her, I loved her.
I don't hate her.. I know now how bad it hurts. But I can't let my daughter end up like me. Posted via Mobile Device
I just don't want my daughter to suffer for her parents mistakes.
My father cheated on my mom the whole 21 years they were married, which leaves me wondering how long would he have allowed this to continue had I not found out? Until I got an STD? HIV.. AIDS?
I saw my mom beg my father, on her hands and knees. She got breast cancer and he moved on with his life expecting her to die. Started another family. Got a woman, my mothers friend, pregnant with my half brother I have seen all of three times. He's ten!
I was three youngest child. I dried my moms tears when she prayed out loud for God to end her life. I was a child!
I suffered so much from that.
I became her.
My two year old daughter pat me on the back and said, "its ok mommy, I love you"
When my mom wished she would die I told her I needed her, I loved her.
I don't hate her.. I know now how bad it hurts. But I can't let my daughter end up like me. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
My parents were like you and your husband - your post struck a nerve with me. Except my mother stayed and just believed everything he said. Now, 30 years later, she is a mere shell of a human being. It pains me to go and see them.. their relationship is so wrong. If i could have one wish in life it would be that my mum did what you did today.
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
I'm still concerned. What is going on? I sure hope she is ok.
Hey Going, please let us now what is up... even if you changed your mind about leaving him. Many of us have been there, done that. Just let us know you are ok.
Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
If there is abuse, mental or physical doesn't matter which, I have three words for you: GET OUT NOW!
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