Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
Tonight, I stepped out of the fog I'VE been trapped in.
My husband... he's been abusive. And though he has "attempted" to make things right.... he's still being emotionally abusive. He does not understand that 3 years of lying and cheating, and making me take the blame, and allowing me to apologize.. well, it has taken a mighty big toll on me.
I don't know who I am as a person anymore.
I don't know right from wrong.
I don't feel like I can do right by him.
I am scared of him, honest to God, scared of him.
I feel like this "trying".... is just another time, like all the times before.. that he will trick me.
And all this made me think about our past.
How he allowed me to beg to be the wife "he deserved" and beg for another chance when I knew he had cheated... and he said it was ok, and he continued to cheat after telling me that we would work things out.
After threatening suicide when I told him I'd had enough, and I was done..... and letting me fall back into the insecure woman that took all the blame... He has been so hateful, I'm scared to accept his acts of "love and affection" because I am not sure if they are sincere or not... I don't know my own husband!!
How he grabbed my daughter's toy from her hand when he was angry at me, before she could walk, and threw it across the room.
How he yelled at her and told her if she wet the bed, she would sleep in it because he wasn't cleaning it up!
... and..so much more. so much more.. it just keeps coming to me, all the things I've suppressed from my memory.. it's starting to come back...
I know a part of me wants to kick him out, and I know a part of me will still hope for him to come running after me and seek help to change. No matter what I do I can't make him see the abuse he's putting on me and his daughter.
He is sleeping on the couch.. and I just can't calm my brain down enough to lay down on the bed.
A part of me wants to wake him up and tell him to leave... he has options. He could go to his Uncle's house..
But I know this is bad timing.. it's 1:50am and a part of me fears he would call the OW and go crash at her place.. or go to one of the random's from craigslists house... that he "only got a blowjob from".... because I demanded to know where it was..and he was able to show me... He remembers what house, he remembers where.... He could just go to their house.. He could if he wanted.
What do I do?
Do I let this eat at me until morning? Until our daughter is safe at daycare.. and he has had a night of sleep...??
Or do I wake him up now and tell him to get out??
Tonight, I stepped out of the fog I'VE been trapped in.
My husband... he's been abusive. And though he has "attempted" to make things right.... he's still being emotionally abusive. He does not understand that 3 years of lying and cheating, and making me take the blame, and allowing me to apologize.. well, it has taken a mighty big toll on me.
I don't know who I am as a person anymore.
I don't know right from wrong.
I don't feel like I can do right by him.
I am scared of him, honest to God, scared of him.
I feel like this "trying".... is just another time, like all the times before.. that he will trick me.
And all this made me think about our past.
How he allowed me to beg to be the wife "he deserved" and beg for another chance when I knew he had cheated... and he said it was ok, and he continued to cheat after telling me that we would work things out.
After threatening suicide when I told him I'd had enough, and I was done..... and letting me fall back into the insecure woman that took all the blame... He has been so hateful, I'm scared to accept his acts of "love and affection" because I am not sure if they are sincere or not... I don't know my own husband!!
How he grabbed my daughter's toy from her hand when he was angry at me, before she could walk, and threw it across the room.
How he yelled at her and told her if she wet the bed, she would sleep in it because he wasn't cleaning it up!
... and..so much more. so much more.. it just keeps coming to me, all the things I've suppressed from my memory.. it's starting to come back...
I know a part of me wants to kick him out, and I know a part of me will still hope for him to come running after me and seek help to change. No matter what I do I can't make him see the abuse he's putting on me and his daughter.
He is sleeping on the couch.. and I just can't calm my brain down enough to lay down on the bed.
A part of me wants to wake him up and tell him to leave... he has options. He could go to his Uncle's house..
But I know this is bad timing.. it's 1:50am and a part of me fears he would call the OW and go crash at her place.. or go to one of the random's from craigslists house... that he "only got a blowjob from".... because I demanded to know where it was..and he was able to show me... He remembers what house, he remembers where.... He could just go to their house.. He could if he wanted.
What do I do?
Do I let this eat at me until morning? Until our daughter is safe at daycare.. and he has had a night of sleep...??
Or do I wake him up now and tell him to get out??