Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-21-2011, 01:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

Tonight, I stepped out of the fog I'VE been trapped in.

My husband... he's been abusive. And though he has "attempted" to make things right.... he's still being emotionally abusive. He does not understand that 3 years of lying and cheating, and making me take the blame, and allowing me to apologize.. well, it has taken a mighty big toll on me.

I don't know who I am as a person anymore.
I don't know right from wrong.
I don't feel like I can do right by him.
I am scared of him, honest to God, scared of him.
I feel like this "trying".... is just another time, like all the times before.. that he will trick me.

And all this made me think about our past.

How he allowed me to beg to be the wife "he deserved" and beg for another chance when I knew he had cheated... and he said it was ok, and he continued to cheat after telling me that we would work things out.

After threatening suicide when I told him I'd had enough, and I was done..... and letting me fall back into the insecure woman that took all the blame... He has been so hateful, I'm scared to accept his acts of "love and affection" because I am not sure if they are sincere or not... I don't know my own husband!!

How he grabbed my daughter's toy from her hand when he was angry at me, before she could walk, and threw it across the room.

How he yelled at her and told her if she wet the bed, she would sleep in it because he wasn't cleaning it up!

... and..so much more. so much more.. it just keeps coming to me, all the things I've suppressed from my memory.. it's starting to come back...

I know a part of me wants to kick him out, and I know a part of me will still hope for him to come running after me and seek help to change. No matter what I do I can't make him see the abuse he's putting on me and his daughter.

He is sleeping on the couch.. and I just can't calm my brain down enough to lay down on the bed.

A part of me wants to wake him up and tell him to leave... he has options. He could go to his Uncle's house..

But I know this is bad timing.. it's 1:50am and a part of me fears he would call the OW and go crash at her place.. or go to one of the random's from craigslists house... that he "only got a blowjob from".... because I demanded to know where it was..and he was able to show me... He remembers what house, he remembers where.... He could just go to their house.. He could if he wanted.

What do I do?

Do I let this eat at me until morning? Until our daughter is safe at daycare.. and he has had a night of sleep...??

Or do I wake him up now and tell him to get out??
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

Do I pack a bag for him? Do I set it by the door?

Do I do nothing?

Do I just not talk to him.. do I wait for him to figure it out?

Do I sneak out without him hearing me, take my daughter to school, and leave for school myself without waking him??? Let him wake up to an empty house?

Do I act like I hate him, even if I want him to grab me and hold me until I fall apart??

What do I do??
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

Hope you are ok?
So what did you decide? I hope you made the right decision for you and you child however difficult. I think you have reached the point where you know what needs to be done.
Be strong and stay safe and let us know how you are.
Come on, you can do it. You and your child do not deserve to live like this.
Hugs x
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

You find somewhere safe you can go with your daughter. There are shelters where you can find some safety and some counseling. Even if you are not in physical danger, your mind is not in a good place and you do need some counseling; you may not realize this until later. You take some things and go there when he isn't home. You contact him and let him know that you will not accept his abusive behavior any longer and that you would like him to leave. You explain to him very simply why so that he understands that you are asking this because of his cheating and abuse. And, don't give him a chance to blame-shift or gas-light you; be brief in your explanation because he'll dispute all the rest until you aren't sure of yourself any longer. Perhaps you can speak to him in a public place like a cafe, someplace where you have privacy, but where you are not isolated in case things go awry. You ask people who you do trust to be there when he takes what he needs and what is his; his friends or family, yours, police, whatever you think makes sense and won't make things worse. If he is unwilling or not inclined to go, then you go.

It is not wise to stay in a situation which involves both abuse and infidelity. If your WH respects you so little and you never follow through on your boundaries and never let him know that there are consequences for crossing those lines of trust and respect and safety, then he will keep doing more and doing worse and when it escalates, you don't know where it will stop. You must be strong enough to stop enabling his behavior, strong enough to keep yourself and your daughter safe, and strong enough to show him that he is hurting you. He will never change if he cannot, himself, see that he is wrong. Until he recognizes that he has hurt you and crossed a line, he will never ever see that the line exists and that his behavior is hurtful and unacceptable and he will never even have a chance at change. And you should not have to feel unsafe in your own life. You do not deserve to be the punching bag for his own insecurities, issues, or frustrated notions of privilege.

Just my opinion. If you feel like your life is in danger, though, leave right now. He can take care of himself and, as you mentioned, he has all the other OWs there, too. No matter how you handle this or how kind you are to him, he will likely turn to them for support anyway. But, you are risking more in choosing inaction out of fear of this than you are in being honest and standing up for yourself and your daughter.
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

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Originally Posted by daisygirl 41 View Post
Hope you are ok?
So what did you decide? I hope you made the right decision for you and you child however difficult. I think you have reached the point where you know what needs to be done.
Be strong and stay safe and let us know how you are.
Come on, you can do it. You and your child do not deserve to live like this.
Hugs x
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I think I have but I know a part of me still expects that he'll come back...

I know I can't expect that. That I need to be 100% confident that this is the right decision, and I can do this without him...

It's just so hard to let go of the "family" I had in mind when he promised me the world.

But I'm not the reason for this family falling apart.. he is..

All my fears are coming up.

Him moving on, me having a "part time child".... the new woman in his future playing "mommy" to MY CHILD......

But.. I can't think of that right now.

I cannot make him realize.. I cannot make him see.... And I cannot continue to live this way, and I will not allow my daughter to grow up and suffer what I have suffered. One day, she will marry a man JUST LIKE HER FATHER.

That's what my husband is.. He is just like my ass hole father.



So ..... How do I do this?
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

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Originally Posted by desert-rose View Post
You find somewhere safe you can go with your daughter. There are shelters where you can find some safety and some counseling. Even if you are not in physical danger, your mind is not in a good place and you do need some counseling; you may not realize this until later. You take some things and go there when he isn't home. You contact him and let him know that you will not accept his abusive behavior any longer and that you would like him to leave. You explain to him very simply why so that he understands that you are asking this because of his cheating and abuse. And, don't give him a chance to blame-shift or gas-light you; be brief in your explanation because he'll dispute all the rest until you aren't sure of yourself any longer. Perhaps you can speak to him in a public place like a cafe, someplace where you have privacy, but where you are not isolated in case things go awry. You ask people who you do trust to be there when he takes what he needs and what is his; his friends or family, yours, police, whatever you think makes sense and won't make things worse. If he is unwilling or not inclined to go, then you go.

It is not wise to stay in a situation which involves both abuse and infidelity. If your WH respects you so little and you never follow through on your boundaries and never let him know that there are consequences for crossing those lines of trust and respect and safety, then he will keep doing more and doing worse and when it escalates, you don't know where it will stop. You must be strong enough to stop enabling his behavior, strong enough to keep yourself and your daughter safe, and strong enough to show him that he is hurting you. He will never change if he cannot, himself, see that he is wrong. Until he recognizes that he has hurt you and crossed a line, he will never ever see that the line exists and that his behavior is hurtful and unacceptable and he will never even have a chance at change. And you should not have to feel unsafe in your own life. You do not deserve to be the punching bag for his own insecurities, issues, or frustrated notions of privilege.

Just my opinion. If you feel like your life is in danger, though, leave right now. He can take care of himself and, as you mentioned, he has all the other OWs there, too. No matter how you handle this or how kind you are to him, he will likely turn to them for support anyway. But, you are risking more in choosing inaction out of fear of this than you are in being honest and standing up for yourself and your daughter.

Thank you.. thank you for reassuring me that even in the worst case scenario, I have help out there.

I don't want to take my daughter out of the house - she has struggled so much having a father in the military, with his deployment and leaving for training.... she doesn't do well with too much change at once. I need him to leave. She needs to stay here. We live with my mom at the moment... We were supposed to move with him to california in a few months, he leaves for california in mid January.... He will have a 2 year contract then..

So, he will be the one leaving. My daughter is not going to suffer anymore for his mistakes.

But, if he becomes violent (I highly doubt he would do such a thing)... thank you, I will not let my fear get the best of me.
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

Ask him to leave for a few days. Make it clear that if he wants to go to the OW then he can , but that he can not come back.
I would not leave the house at all.


CALM DOWN.

Tomorrow you need to start your healing process. Your very raw and perhaps you should see a Doctor to get some help .. This will help you sleep and get control.

Don't worry about the loss of family at the moment. There is a lot of water to flow under the bridge before you have to worry about that.

Stay calm.

Don't make ANY DECISIONS right now.

If you drink.

ONE glass of brandy, add warm water, and a small amount of sugar.
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Old 12-21-2011, 03:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

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Originally Posted by ing View Post
Ask him to leave for a few days. Make it clear that if he wants to go to the OW then he can , but that he can not come back.
I would not leave the house at all.


CALM DOWN.

Tomorrow you need to start your healing process. Your very raw and perhaps you should see a Doctor to get some help .. This will help you sleep and get control.

Don't worry about the loss of family at the moment. There is a lot of water to flow under the bridge before you have to worry about that.

Stay calm.

Don't make ANY DECISIONS right now.

If you drink.

ONE glass of brandy, add warm water, and a small amount of sugar.
I have seen my doctor. I saw her the day after I found out about his cheating.... I went in to get checked for every STD under the sun.. blood drawn and everything.

That day, she wanted to send me to a psychiatric hospital. I politely declined, but only because I allowed her to call my mom to ask her to keep an eye on me over the weekend. Then to see her again on Monday, and whenever she felt necessary.

She prescribed me Xanax and Lexapro.. I haven't really taken them.

Then, Wednesday I fell out in the middle of class to sudden pain. I was rushed to the ER with what people thought was anything from an ectopic pregnancy to appendicitis... No, thank goodness... It was a kidney stone on top of an ovarian cyst.

Due to that, I was put on dilaudid which made me loopy. I was knocked out for a whole weekend due to it. And now I'm taking an anti-bacterial med for the UTI that the kidney stone caused... as well as Hydrocodone for pain and Phenergen for nausea... (spelling?)

I take them as little as need be.. literally wait for the onset of pain before I even consider it.... but I'm just saying.. even with these drugs my dr. prescribed to help me calm down and cope with the shock of 3 years of infidelity, lying and emotional abuse..... I can't take them because of the other medication I am on. I'm like a walking pharmacy.
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Old 12-21-2011, 03:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

You need a plan. Take your child to school in the morning. It’s only a few hours away.

If you have joint bank accounts with him. Go open checking/savings accounts in your name only and move ¾’s of the money into your name… your half and child support. Keep good records to prove you did not steal.
Then tell him to leave…
If you live with your mom, ask her to help you here. Tell him to leave. Make sure you mom is at home and around when you do this. Do not have your child with you when you do this. Have your mother watch her in another room. But she can be aware, listening and keeping an eye on things.

If he becomes violent call 911, or have your mom do it. If he's out of hand they will remove him.
Don’t worry about him going to the OW’s place to stay. His moving in with her would be cause that relationship to end fairly quickly. It will put 100% of the responsibility of meeting his needs on her. It’s not going to go well for him. It’s an affair.. she’s not looking to meet his needs 100%.

Go see an attorney ASAP and get a divorce in motion. It can always be stopped if needed
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Old 12-21-2011, 03:09 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

I'm calm.. I am no longer playing little mind movies in my head of me walking over to the couch on which he sleeps so soundly, and hitting him over the head with a frying pan...

I am not shaking over the urge to wake him....

But I am not able to rest, myself. I've gone without sleep a dozen nights since Dday.. I'm ok.

I've already taken my pain med and due to my rage, it seems to have a weakened effect on me.

He has my wedding band. Now, this may sound odd... but the majority of the wedding bands worth is from the diamond in the middle. Though he refused I told him it was OK to use that diamond... my diamond from another piece of jewelry I was holding on to.... It's worth 4k alone.... I'm afraid he might go on with his choice to pawn this ring.......


Do I find it, and take it?

Or do I cut my losses?

I also sold some of my gold jewelry from childhood today.. because we are struggling. He is holding on to $425 of it.. I have $100 of it.

Should I grab the remainder from his wallet?

The right thing for him to do would be continue to support me and our daughter... even after I kick him out.

But I fear he may not, I fear he may just cut me off of the account, or take any little money we have left in there. I have a place to stay until June... I have two months of school left and then I have Career Development to take advantage of for help with job placement. I have options.. but I also need financial help right now.

He got me in this position. he said it was OK to go to school, then scolded me for not contributing to the account..... I feel bad for expecting his help but at the same time..... I feel that it's the least he "owes" me after all this.
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Old 12-21-2011, 03:15 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

If he threatens to take away financial support, and he is military... are emails with attached pictures - of himself - enough to prove his infidelity?

Are text logs to the numbers in said emails matched to his phone.. enough to back this up?

I fear if he refuses to support us... he will deny deny deny when I try any options I have to get the support we are due... and my "proof" will be laughed at as if falsified.... I know what he's done.. but he's such a good manipulator..

I have his email! I have his postings from over a year long.. many postings on craigslist!.... I just don't want people to disregard me....
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Old 12-21-2011, 03:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

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He has my wedding band. Now, this may sound odd... but the majority of the wedding bands worth is from the diamond in the middle. Though he refused I told him it was OK to use that diamond... my diamond from another piece of jewelry I was holding on to.... It's worth 4k alone.... I'm afraid he might go on with his choice to pawn this ring....... .
Do I find it, and take it?
Or do I cut my losses?
If you can find it, take it. Otherwise just cut your losses. Do you have an appraisal of it? Photos? Keep those because you can ask for that amount in a divorce settlement.

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I also sold some of my gold jewelry from childhood today.. because we are struggling. He is holding on to $425 of it.. I have $100 of it.

Should I grab the remainder from his wallet?
Yes take the money from his wallet, if you can do it before he wakes up.
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The right thing for him to do would be continue to support me and our daughter... even after I kick him out.

But I fear he may not, I fear he may just cut me off of the account, or take any little money we have left in there. I have a place to stay until June... I have two months of school left and then I have Career Development to take advantage of for help with job placement. I have options.. but I also need financial help right now.
He cannot cut you out of any bank account with your name… he would have to close the account down. See my previous post about you taking the money. You have a child. If there is very little in the account take it all.

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He got me in this position. he said it was OK to go to school, then scolded me for not contributing to the account..... I feel bad for expecting his help but at the same time..... I feel that it's the least he "owes" me after all this.
Does he work for a living? Is he in the military? He will have to support you until the divorce if final. And he will have to pay child support until your child is 18.

Did you get pell grants, etc for school? If you are separated you will be elegible for school grants. You might also be elegible for welfare and food stamps. Apply immediately as you will need to help to get through school and until you find a job.
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Old 12-21-2011, 03:18 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

Why do you think that you need to prove infidelity?
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Old 12-21-2011, 03:23 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

If your husband is in the military he will definately have to pay you support. Find an attorney who has experience with divorces from military members. The military will make sure you get at the very minium child support.

During the divorce process there is usally interim support for the spouse who makes less.

Your attorney can set it up so that the military sends the child support and your support directly to you or as a direct deposit to your checking account. Yet another reason to get a checking account in your name.
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Old 12-21-2011, 03:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"

He also bought a truck.. just two weeks ago..before they messed up his package and we found out he is not getting paid for a month and a half.. 3 pay period we have to pinch pennies to get by.. and I'm primary on that truck.. oh God.. I signed as the car buyer..

I am the primary on my car and his..

what do I do in that situation.. if he does not cooperate with finances...??

Do I tell them what is going on?

Can I tell him that if he lets the payment go delinquent I'll call it in as stolen.... no.. That wouldn't be right.. he IS co-buyer, anyway...

My credit is better than his.. but it's not great.. I can't let him ruin more than he has already though...... It will be hard enough getting along emotionally, let alone dealing with the legal and financial aspects of it all.
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