New to EA - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:37 PM
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Re: New to EA

Definitely EA. How you proceed from here is up to you and what you deem an acceptable line for your H to cross before you walk. If the EA is not a deal breaker for you then I would recommend waiting it out and digging a little more to see if PA has happened. Look into it more but be careful because snooping has legal ramifications. If you uncover PA, get him to confess first. Nothing bad can come from a confession. Above all, if you decide to wait it out, gather your evidence but do not show all your cards at first. I made that mistake. Showing your cards too early gives them power and the opportunity to scamper and regroup to take the affair more underground and continue cake eating.

If any sort of PA has happened here is my advice: Be ready to walk. Boot him to the curb and don't be nice about it. I know this is easier said than done but if you're nice about it and don't give him the impression that he is about to lose you permanently than you have no chance in hell to go through a successful R. A successful R requires total remorse from the cheater and 100% dedication to righting their wrongs. THEY need to do most of the work. This is very difficult with an EA/PA because they're not sure about their commitment to you in the first place.

Realize that right now you are a doormat, a fallback, a second choice. He is exploring the option of moving on to somebody else but he's not yet sure if he wants to walk away from you. Trust me when I say you do not want to be in this position, it is degrading and it will utterly destroy you. Empower yourself now, disconnect and get comfortable with the idea that you may D, do things for yourself, make yourself feel good, go to the gym and get in shape, get in touch with friends, activities, or goals that you may have put aside because of your marriage. Get comfortable with the idea of being alone. Go out with friends and have a good time. Remember that a powerful, independent partner is much more attractive than a needy, pathetic one.

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post #17 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: New to EA

The nickname alone ("Squirt"...seriously?) is suspect...

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
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post #18 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:42 PM Thread Starter
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I actually feel empowered. I'm still figuring out the text message angle. I don't plan on giving up after these many years...we dated 5 years before we married. I'm fit, in my 50's, and fun! Retirement was right around the corner for us. I know my H does not want to lose all this. It may be too bad. I'm not losing a thing. He will be losing everything. If a PA occurred, it's over. If it's an EA only, there's a long road ahead and it still may be over. Only time and text messages will tell.
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post #19 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: New to EA

There are text recovery programs you can buy like Dr. fone that will recover some of the deleted texts. Google text recovery software. Maybe someone here with more experience using it can give you better advice.
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post #20 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:27 PM Thread Starter
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There are text recovery programs you can buy like Dr. fone that will recover some of the deleted texts. Google text recovery software. Maybe someone here with more experience using it can give you better advice.
Thank you! I will definitely keep trying what I can!
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post #21 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:40 PM
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Re: New to EA

I had an emotional affair for 3-3 1/2 years at the start of my marriage. It was a little different from your situation in that the OW lived 8 hrs away but other than that, I was doing what your husband says he's been doing. Except I pretty much ground my wife's face in it. It was before texting and I would literally spend hours on the phone with my old 'friend' from high school probably 3-4 times a week. Sometimes it was in front of my wife, but mostly I would get up and leave the room because her and the babies were making it too difficult to talk.

That I'd never heard of an EA and that all of our conversations were blandly inane were no excuses. It only means I was too stupid to realize what an utter a$$wipe I was being making my wife watch me give so much time and effort that belonged to her and my children, instead to a single, beautiful woman.

She had to ask me to imagine how I'd feel if our roles were reversed before I figured it out and went NC immediately.

The thing is though, if my 'friend' had lived in closer proximity, I'd have been tapping that.

Your husband has been and is in close proximity to his 'friend'.

"If you can keep your head while all those about you are losing theirs, then perhaps you have misunderstood the situation." - Daniel Keys Moran - from The Long Run

You don't really own anything you can't hold onto at a dead run... -Anonymous-
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post #22 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 05:49 AM
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Re: New to EA

EA's with a coworker are the worst. Been there and came through as I believe I stopped it before it went too far.

Take control and do it how YOU want to.
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post #23 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 06:41 AM
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Re: New to EA

Quote:
Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
He doesn't have any social media. I have no access to any of the text messages because he deleted them immediately. He does that to all of his messages and e-mails. E-mails I can get back. I don't know how to get text messages back. I've checked out the Cloud on his phone for any pictures but he doesn't have them synced because it took too much energy. They are from now on.

Not worried about work. They don't really work together. He is in a different area than she is. She also has a fiancé. I don't know if it somehow fizzled out before it became physical. Seems that way. But, the talking continued. She reports she was in a "dark" place and he talked her through it.
And you believe him?!

He's lied to you for two years, at least. Do not believe his explanation without verification. His contrition could only involve the fact that he was caught.

And you felt betrayed because you were. Know how much you will tolerate and prepare for the A to go dark. It is common to claim No Contact with an AP, when in fact, the couple becomes more creative.
I'm sorry you are here. It is not a pleasant road (by that I mean being betrayed, not TAM)

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #24 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 07:34 AM
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Re: New to EA

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Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
I actually feel empowered. I'm still figuring out the text message angle. I don't plan on giving up after these many years...we dated 5 years before we married. I'm fit, in my 50's, and fun! Retirement was right around the corner for us. I know my H does not want to lose all this. It may be too bad. I'm not losing a thing. He will be losing everything. If a PA occurred, it's over. If it's an EA only, there's a long road ahead and it still may be over. Only time and text messages will tell.
W2U

Brace yourself... 2 years, close proximity, 1000s of conversations... highly probable this EA turned physical.

Hard part, without the discovery of some "smoking gun" you will be left to wonder and that will in time eat at you. Don't believe your WH won't lie to you. He has shown you first hand what he is capable of.

Remember the one universal Truth regarding affairs... There's always more.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #25 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New to EA

"Remember the one universal Truth regarding affairs... There's always more. "

Yes...this hits hard. There is always more. I told my husband that the only way I can move forward at this point is to see the deleted text messages. I asked him point blank if he would allow me to take his phone and recover the messages I could using an app. He said no problem. You can do that. I was trying to detect any hesitation or thought on his part. He swears they are just friends and that is all they were. He called it quits immediately and told her that he had hurt me.

So, I was good with that and ready to recover what I could using recovery programs. Guess what?? His SIMS card is messed up on his phone. His phone is locked even from himself. He has to take it in to Verizon today to see what can be done. Wow...how convenient. I'd like to think coincidence but I cannot.

He got caught. Pure and simple. IF he had not, he would still be talking with her. I am pretty sure it was not physical. And, it doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that he needs to figure it out. He is so scared of losing me and I don't give a s%&#. I loved and trusted him until February 10. From that moment on, I don't really know him. Right now, if he died, it wouldn't be any more painful.

I can imagine a lot of you are thinking, wow, she's evil. I am a wonderful, sweet, funny, loving, kind wife who has been there for many years with my husband and through our two kids and their families, and the deaths of our parents. I would do anything for my husband if he asked. I should change that to I would have done anything. While it isn't over just yet, I am a very strong person and I weigh everything before I make a decision. It has to be a decision I can live with and not regret. I don't give a s*&% about his feelings or what he wants. Idiot.

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post #26 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 09:18 AM
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Re: New to EA

It was physical.

And unless one of them finds another job, he'll never go fully NC w/ her, which means the affair will never end.

These are truths.

You might as well accept them.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #27 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: New to EA

He obviously doesn't want you to read the texts. Why not? They should prove he is being truthful right? Or... He is lying and is desperate to hide the truth from you.
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post #28 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: New to EA

It was easy saying,"No sweat" on loading a program to recover texts when a phone is broken. Have at it...right? Sorry this has happened. As the others have stated...it would appear this is/was PA.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #29 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: New to EA

What kind of phone does he have? Check out Enigma Recovery https://www.enigma-recovery.com/ You will need to have access to his phone for at least an hour and password if it has one. If you have the same type of phone you can practice with the free download.
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post #30 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 04:33 PM
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Re: New to EA

Go with him to the Verizon store. Otherwise the phone will "conveniently" get a factory-reset and he'll come home with a brand new SIM card.

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
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