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post #31 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: New to EA

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
It was physical.

And unless one of them finds another job, he'll never go fully NC w/ her, which means the affair will never end.

These are truths.

You might as well accept them.
^^ this. Unless you know for sure that your husband has sexual issue that prevents him from having sex. But you know there's still other methods! And other methods hurt just as much.

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post #32 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: New to EA

Deleting messages is a red flag to begin with, even if he deletes all of them to make it seem like a normal activity, there is no legit reason to do that. There is no way the phone just conveniently had this problem. I would take the phone into your possession until you get the data off it. If you don't, he may figure out how to wipe it. He can get a new one. I would threaten poly also.

Everything he is doing points to him lying.

If she is now claiming to be engaged, have you confirmed that is really true? If it is, contact the fiance. He can go after her messages on her phone too. Do not hesitate to do this. The fiance may have time to re-think his future wife's actions. He may have other information about what has been going on.

If it is an Iphone, download Wondershare Dr. Fone and use the free version. You don't need access to the lock screen of the phone at all. It just downloads everything including deleted messages that haven't yet been overwritten simply by plugging it in to USB. It can even grab Icloud backups without physical access to the phone if you know the icloud password.
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post #33 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 09:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New to EA

My final post on this subject. Yesterday, after finding out the phone was unable to be repaired, I did not give him an option. I forced him to sign onto his Verizon account. There is a place that you can see text messages. So, I got to read those text messages. He stood over me and denied them at first. Seriously?? It was pretty obvious that they were his and hers. I took pictures of every message. They were all about I love you and sexting. I got into his pictures. They were naked pictures they had sent each other. He continued....CONTINUED....to deny a PA. I left him last night and stayed elsewhere. He kept calling and every now and then I would answer. He would tell me there was nothing to them. It was all a joke. He begged me to return. He slowly admitted that they "touched". He kissed her on the forehead...things like that. Finally, I said, I will come back today if you admit to a sexual affair. He continued saying he did not have intercourse with her. Ok...guys...semantics. You all are right. It was a sexual affair. It was an emotional affair.

I will be 56 in a month. I have given that man 35 + years marriage, 5 years of high school dating, 2 kids, 5 grandkids, and a military career. His first "affair" happened when we were newly married. His second affair was when I was pregnant with our first child. All of that was 32 years ago but I always said 3 strikes and you are out.

I will not go to his counseling session. He is so adamant for me to go. He wants to work through this. I think I have went above and beyond to save and work on our marriage. I cannot live in a marriage of lies and deceit. I don't know what the future holds for me. But, I know what it does not hold. He can never touch me or be near me again. He has lost it all. I have lost it all because of his selfishness.


For all of those out there struggling with similar things, I have no advice. The good people on here knew and kept me thinking and looking for clues and answers. My heart is broken. He is a damn good liar and pretender. While he is saying his part with the OW was not real, who's to say he isn't saying the same thing to her about me?
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post #34 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: New to EA

I'm so sorry.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #35 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: New to EA

W2U,

Bummer day for sure.

That last post... Wow. You gave WH a third chance and he still doesn't get it. You probably know by know that he had other affairs that were buried in the years past. It took me months to understand Cheater Math. When they say only one time, multiply by 5.

It's all about damage control now. I heard it all too. Just friends, we were only joking, we only touched, it was one-time and I didn't enjoy it. The list is endless.

Keep it together, prepare yourself emotionally as well as financially. Good luck.

BTW, that I only kissed her on the fore-head... Seriously?

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.

Last edited by RWB; 02-25-2017 at 11:57 AM. Reason: speelling
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post #36 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: New to EA

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Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
My final post on this subject. Yesterday, after finding out the phone was unable to be repaired, I did not give him an option. I forced him to sign onto his Verizon account. There is a place that you can see text messages. So, I got to read those text messages. He stood over me and denied them at first. Seriously?? It was pretty obvious that they were his and hers. I took pictures of every message. They were all about I love you and sexting. I got into his pictures. They were naked pictures they had sent each other. He continued....CONTINUED....to deny a PA. I left him last night and stayed elsewhere. He kept calling and every now and then I would answer. He would tell me there was nothing to them. It was all a joke. He begged me to return. He slowly admitted that they "touched". He kissed her on the forehead...things like that. Finally, I said, I will come back today if you admit to a sexual affair. He continued saying he did not have intercourse with her. Ok...guys...semantics. You all are right. It was a sexual affair. It was an emotional affair.

I will be 56 in a month. I have given that man 35 + years marriage, 5 years of high school dating, 2 kids, 5 grandkids, and a military career. His first "affair" happened when we were newly married. His second affair was when I was pregnant with our first child. All of that was 32 years ago but I always said 3 strikes and you are out.

I will not go to his counseling session. He is so adamant for me to go. He wants to work through this. I think I have went above and beyond to save and work on our marriage. I cannot live in a marriage of lies and deceit. I don't know what the future holds for me. But, I know what it does not hold. He can never touch me or be near me again. He has lost it all. I have lost it all because of his selfishness.


For all of those out there struggling with similar things, I have no advice. The good people on here knew and kept me thinking and looking for clues and answers. My heart is broken. He is a damn good liar and pretender. While he is saying his part with the OW was not real, who's to say he isn't saying the same thing to her about me?
Very sorry to read this but you are a strong woman. If you read on a forum for a while you would see how many stay in denial and never get the truth. What you choose to do with it is personal, and only you can decide. But by listening to the advice you will make your decision with the truth.

Wishing you well.
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post #37 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: New to EA

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Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
My final post on this subject. Yesterday, after finding out the phone was unable to be repaired, I did not give him an option. I forced him to sign onto his Verizon account. There is a place that you can see text messages. So, I got to read those text messages. He stood over me and denied them at first. Seriously?? It was pretty obvious that they were his and hers. I took pictures of every message. They were all about I love you and sexting. I got into his pictures. They were naked pictures they had sent each other. He continued....CONTINUED....to deny a PA. I left him last night and stayed elsewhere. He kept calling and every now and then I would answer. He would tell me there was nothing to them. It was all a joke. He begged me to return. He slowly admitted that they "touched". He kissed her on the forehead...things like that. Finally, I said, I will come back today if you admit to a sexual affair. He continued saying he did not have intercourse with her. Ok...guys...semantics. You all are right. It was a sexual affair. It was an emotional affair.



I will be 56 in a month. I have given that man 35 + years marriage, 5 years of high school dating, 2 kids, 5 grandkids, and a military career. His first "affair" happened when we were newly married. His second affair was when I was pregnant with our first child. All of that was 32 years ago but I always said 3 strikes and you are out.



I will not go to his counseling session. He is so adamant for me to go. He wants to work through this. I think I have went above and beyond to save and work on our marriage. I cannot live in a marriage of lies and deceit. I don't know what the future holds for me. But, I know what it does not hold. He can never touch me or be near me again. He has lost it all. I have lost it all because of his selfishness.





For all of those out there struggling with similar things, I have no advice. The good people on here knew and kept me thinking and looking for clues and answers. My heart is broken. He is a damn good liar and pretender. While he is saying his part with the OW was not real, who's to say he isn't saying the same thing to her about me?


Don't leave us! You'll need us as you go through this. Big Hugs!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
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post #38 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: New to EA

Please tell her fiance. He has a right to know who he is engaged to.

ETA: I am so very sorry this has happened to you. You deserve so much more.

Last edited by Síocháin; 02-25-2017 at 08:22 PM.
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post #39 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:07 AM
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post #40 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:18 AM
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Cool Re: New to EA

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Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
I had no idea there was something called an Emotional affair until 2 weeks ago. My husband of 36 years was sick with the flu. His phone kept ringing. He didn't answer it so I got up and answered it. It was from "Squirt" and no one talked. I memorized the number and looked it up the next day. It was from a woman at his work. Next step was to look at the cell phone records. These two had been talking and texting for 2 years! They ran a race together in August and I didn't think anything of it because he was not happy she was running. Apparently it was unexpected. He swears that it is all just a platonic relationship. They talk on his morning drive to work, on the evening drive home, on trips he takes, and even on vacation time we took together. He just wanted to tell her how fun zip-lining was. They have talked as little as a few minutes and up to two hours. They have talked right under my nose. They text constantly per day. I text her and she said he loves me very much. THAT does not help matters! It just means to me that they have talked about me! I can't take this. I feel so betrayed. I guess what I am needing from any of you is thoughts and opinions. 2 years! He says yeah, but where was I throughout that time. I said...on the phone! He says it isn't anything b/c he has always been with me. But, he hasn't. I've been alone. He has been on the phone.

Opinions?
A 2 year EA? Who do you think you are kidding?

It's in full blown PA mode by now!

Either he agrees to full disclosure or it's time to "go 180" on him ASAP!



"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #41 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 11:14 PM
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Re: New to EA

I am so sorry this has happened. A lifetime with him and this is what you get.

However, he gave you all the information you needed with TWO affairs early in your marriage.

My bet, this latest affair is only the tip of the iceberg. He's likely done this several times you don't even know about.

You have made the right decision to leave him, even though I know it must be so sad for you.

God bless.
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post #42 of 56 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: New to EA

OP,

Unfortunately, you're not alone in wanting to convince yourself this was not a PA. Most BS's don't want to believe "their" spouse could do something like that. I was the same. When I found evidence of my wife's EA, I wanted to believe her lies about it being it not being a PA. It's natural to want to protect your heart.

When I found the initial texts that she forgot to erase (just a few I love you's), she did a factory reset on the phone the next day (I'm sure the OM told her to do it). She made up some excuse about problems with her phone. I still wanted to believe her.

But just like you, at least I was smart enough to keep digging. I got "lucky". 5 days later I was able to recover 3500 Facebook messages (via deleted FB emails) revealing her 2 year PA; with all the gory details.

You see; the betrayed spouses that post on this board have a collective wisdom about how cheaters behave. There's essentially a Cheater's handbook. In your case - I knew, as did others, your husband surely had a PA. No man stays in an EA for two years when he has physical access. The volume and frequency of texts just added to the surety, as did his text deleting and prior cheating. Of course he was lying. Because that's just what cheater's do.

If you know you want to divorce, it's a good thing - to know what you want to do.

Your husband is a serial cheater. He's had his second chance; and a third. He doesn't deserve another one.

Keep posting. I'm sure you could use the support.

Best wishes for you.

Last edited by badmemory; 03-01-2017 at 03:54 PM.
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post #43 of 56 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 07:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New to EA

The latest...we went to counseling. That morning before counseling I had a phone call from the OW where she admitted to oral, manual, and phone sex while he was on a work trip. Ok...so I had proof. I went first with my story. I did not mention yet what I had learned. Then, he told his story. Again, not admitting sex. So, I confronted him in front of the counselor. He said it wasn't intercourse so he doesn't consider it sex. Seriously, Bill Clinton?? Anyway, when he knew he could not win the argument, he said he had something dark inside of him and he could not quit. But, he had. He had not had an affair for 32 years. He kept talking about how he had been on Yahoo Messenger and in forums in the 1990's when he had to quit that. The counselor asked him a few questions and now he says he has deep issues...sex addiction.

So, now the focus is on his problem. Too freaking bad that I had to get hurt but he couldn't help it. This is so much like IEP for behavior students. They couldn't help it that they punched you or cursed you. It is an issue that can't help.

This just seems awfully damn convenient that he has "issues". Can he not just let me go? He professes his deep love for me. Well, if this is love, I don't want a part of it.

So, what do you all think? Can he possibly have sex addiction? If he does, what should I do now?? All opinions welcomed!
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post #44 of 56 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 07:33 PM
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Re: New to EA

Classic cheater MO. Don't own up to your mistakes, blame it on anything but your own choices.

Don't fall for it OP.

Seriously, even if he did have a damn sex addiction. How in the world is that justification?
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post #45 of 56 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 07:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New to EA

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Classic cheater MO. Don't own up to your mistakes, blame it on anything but your own choices.

Don't fall for it OP.

Seriously, even if he did have a damn sex addiction. How in the world is that justification?
Exactly!! We all have choices to make. My choice is to leave and never look back.
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