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New to EA

8K views 55 replies 31 participants last post by  badmemory 
#1 ·
I had no idea there was something called an Emotional affair until 2 weeks ago. My husband of 36 years was sick with the flu. His phone kept ringing. He didn't answer it so I got up and answered it. It was from "Squirt" and no one talked. I memorized the number and looked it up the next day. It was from a woman at his work. Next step was to look at the cell phone records. These two had been talking and texting for 2 years! They ran a race together in August and I didn't think anything of it because he was not happy she was running. Apparently it was unexpected. He swears that it is all just a platonic relationship. They talk on his morning drive to work, on the evening drive home, on trips he takes, and even on vacation time we took together. He just wanted to tell her how fun zip-lining was. They have talked as little as a few minutes and up to two hours. They have talked right under my nose. They text constantly per day. I text her and she said he loves me very much. THAT does not help matters! It just means to me that they have talked about me! I can't take this. I feel so betrayed. I guess what I am needing from any of you is thoughts and opinions. 2 years! He says yeah, but where was I throughout that time. I said...on the phone! He says it isn't anything b/c he has always been with me. But, he hasn't. I've been alone. He has been on the phone.

Opinions?
 
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#3 ·
He says it isn't anything b/c he has always been with me. But, he hasn't. I've been alone. He has been on the phone.
Ah the strong disinfectant of clarity. This hits like a cold splash of water to the face. This statement is truth about an EA.
 
#4 ·
They talk on his morning drive to work, on the evening drive home, on trips he takes, and even on vacation time we took together. He just wanted to tell her how fun zip-lining was. They have talked as little as a few minutes and up to two hours. They have talked right under my nose. They text constantly per day. I text her and she said he loves me very much.
This is an emotional affair. He is emotionally invested, even under the guise of a "platonic" friendship, in another woman. She is not a friend to the "marriage" she is a friend to him. Even if every word could of been put in a Disney movie, the that fact you were purposely EXCLUDED from this correspondence makes it cheating.

How he responds next will determine what you need to do. First you need to tell him to end the friendship and WATCH HIM send a no contact letter to her. If he complies then the marriage is worth saving. If he breaks no contact, DIVORCE. If he refuses to send the letter or stop, DIVORCE.

Ultimatum time, it's you or her. I haven't read anything that tells me this relationship is unredeemable yet BUT he has to FIGHT for you. Otherwise, YOU WALK. I pray he just got caught up in the excitement of "female attention" and your exposure will quickly bring him to his senses. You HAVE to mean business though. Don't waffle on this.
 
#5 ·
Yep, all those hours of texting, calling, and chatting in person is time not spent with you, as it should be.

He is not only cheating, he is cheating you out of the love and attention he promised to you in marriage.
 
#13 ·
I haven't read any of his texts, of course. He deletes all of his messages right away. To be fair, he has always done that. I would love to see those texts just to know for sure that there was "nothing" going on. But, where there is smoke... Still, just to have 100% proof would make me feel so much better.
 
#8 ·
An emotional affair with a female who her works with?

That is not good.

He needs to go no contact with her and he either needs to change departments or, ideally, change jobs.

This was NOT a platonic relationship. Because it was a secret relationship.

It might even have been physical.

You cannot play Russian roulette with your health or your life so you must, as a matter of urgency, get tested for STDs/HIV.

And have him take a polygraph test.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for everyone's replies. I never thought I would have to deal with something like this and for no real reason. I definitely feel betrayed and lost. We have been married for 35 1/2 years! I am confused, sad, angry, hurt, depressed. It is the craziest thing. And, I have not really seen this as a huge problem until just recently...anywhere. It is just like it came out of the blue or with technology. Well, where there is technology, there is a trail. It is going to be a long road to recover.
 
#10 · (Edited)
Just want to add this real quick --

For as long as he works w/ her, he'll never cut all contact w/ her. And, until he cuts contact w/ her, the affair is still on.

Any hope of reconciliation has to be tied to him leaving his job.
 
#12 ·
Any hope of reconciliation has to be tied to him leaving his job.
Agreed, however that might be tough. If they've been married 35 years then he's in his mid to late 50s at best or well into his 60s....

No one is going to hire him at that age. OP is early retirement an option? Ideally, he does need to quit that job for your marriage.
 
#11 ·
OP,

The fact that they work together and the length of this affair (2 years!) says to me this is a PA (physical affair). This would be very rare indeed if this was a 2 year long EA only. I would demand a polygraph test from him, if for no other reason than to see if you get a "parking lot confession".

Since they already know you know, snooping at this point will be difficult.

Do you have access to all of most of the text messages ? Does your WH have any social media accounts you can check, like facebook ?

Can you check his phone for apps like Whatsapp that allowing texting that does not show on a phone bill ?
 
#14 ·
He doesn't have any social media. I have no access to any of the text messages because he deleted them immediately. He does that to all of his messages and e-mails. E-mails I can get back. I don't know how to get text messages back. I've checked out the Cloud on his phone for any pictures but he doesn't have them synced because it took too much energy. They are from now on.

Not worried about work. They don't really work together. He is in a different area than she is. She also has a fiancé. I don't know if it somehow fizzled out before it became physical. Seems that way. But, the talking continued. She reports she was in a "dark" place and he talked her through it.
 
#16 ·
Definitely EA. How you proceed from here is up to you and what you deem an acceptable line for your H to cross before you walk. If the EA is not a deal breaker for you then I would recommend waiting it out and digging a little more to see if PA has happened. Look into it more but be careful because snooping has legal ramifications. If you uncover PA, get him to confess first. Nothing bad can come from a confession. Above all, if you decide to wait it out, gather your evidence but do not show all your cards at first. I made that mistake. Showing your cards too early gives them power and the opportunity to scamper and regroup to take the affair more underground and continue cake eating.

If any sort of PA has happened here is my advice: Be ready to walk. Boot him to the curb and don't be nice about it. I know this is easier said than done but if you're nice about it and don't give him the impression that he is about to lose you permanently than you have no chance in hell to go through a successful R. A successful R requires total remorse from the cheater and 100% dedication to righting their wrongs. THEY need to do most of the work. This is very difficult with an EA/PA because they're not sure about their commitment to you in the first place.

Realize that right now you are a doormat, a fallback, a second choice. He is exploring the option of moving on to somebody else but he's not yet sure if he wants to walk away from you. Trust me when I say you do not want to be in this position, it is degrading and it will utterly destroy you. Empower yourself now, disconnect and get comfortable with the idea that you may D, do things for yourself, make yourself feel good, go to the gym and get in shape, get in touch with friends, activities, or goals that you may have put aside because of your marriage. Get comfortable with the idea of being alone. Go out with friends and have a good time. Remember that a powerful, independent partner is much more attractive than a needy, pathetic one.
 
#18 ·
I actually feel empowered. I'm still figuring out the text message angle. I don't plan on giving up after these many years...we dated 5 years before we married. I'm fit, in my 50's, and fun! Retirement was right around the corner for us. I know my H does not want to lose all this. It may be too bad. I'm not losing a thing. He will be losing everything. If a PA occurred, it's over. If it's an EA only, there's a long road ahead and it still may be over. Only time and text messages will tell.
 
#24 ·
I actually feel empowered. I'm still figuring out the text message angle. I don't plan on giving up after these many years...we dated 5 years before we married. I'm fit, in my 50's, and fun! Retirement was right around the corner for us. I know my H does not want to lose all this. It may be too bad. I'm not losing a thing. He will be losing everything. If a PA occurred, it's over. If it's an EA only, there's a long road ahead and it still may be over. Only time and text messages will tell.
W2U

Brace yourself... 2 years, close proximity, 1000s of conversations... highly probable this EA turned physical.

Hard part, without the discovery of some "smoking gun" you will be left to wonder and that will in time eat at you. Don't believe your WH won't lie to you. He has shown you first hand what he is capable of.

Remember the one universal Truth regarding affairs... There's always more.
 
#21 ·
I had an emotional affair for 3-3 1/2 years at the start of my marriage. It was a little different from your situation in that the OW lived 8 hrs away but other than that, I was doing what your husband says he's been doing. Except I pretty much ground my wife's face in it. It was before texting and I would literally spend hours on the phone with my old 'friend' from high school probably 3-4 times a week. Sometimes it was in front of my wife, but mostly I would get up and leave the room because her and the babies were making it too difficult to talk.

That I'd never heard of an EA and that all of our conversations were blandly inane were no excuses. It only means I was too stupid to realize what an utter a$$wipe I was being making my wife watch me give so much time and effort that belonged to her and my children, instead to a single, beautiful woman.

She had to ask me to imagine how I'd feel if our roles were reversed before I figured it out and went NC immediately.

The thing is though, if my 'friend' had lived in closer proximity, I'd have been tapping that.

Your husband has been and is in close proximity to his 'friend'.
 
#25 ·
"Remember the one universal Truth regarding affairs... There's always more. "

Yes...this hits hard. There is always more. I told my husband that the only way I can move forward at this point is to see the deleted text messages. I asked him point blank if he would allow me to take his phone and recover the messages I could using an app. He said no problem. You can do that. I was trying to detect any hesitation or thought on his part. He swears they are just friends and that is all they were. He called it quits immediately and told her that he had hurt me.

So, I was good with that and ready to recover what I could using recovery programs. Guess what?? His SIMS card is messed up on his phone. His phone is locked even from himself. He has to take it in to Verizon today to see what can be done. Wow...how convenient. I'd like to think coincidence but I cannot.

He got caught. Pure and simple. IF he had not, he would still be talking with her. I am pretty sure it was not physical. And, it doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that he needs to figure it out. He is so scared of losing me and I don't give a s%&#. I loved and trusted him until February 10. From that moment on, I don't really know him. Right now, if he died, it wouldn't be any more painful.

I can imagine a lot of you are thinking, wow, she's evil. I am a wonderful, sweet, funny, loving, kind wife who has been there for many years with my husband and through our two kids and their families, and the deaths of our parents. I would do anything for my husband if he asked. I should change that to I would have done anything. While it isn't over just yet, I am a very strong person and I weigh everything before I make a decision. It has to be a decision I can live with and not regret. I don't give a s*&% about his feelings or what he wants. Idiot.
 
#32 ·
Deleting messages is a red flag to begin with, even if he deletes all of them to make it seem like a normal activity, there is no legit reason to do that. There is no way the phone just conveniently had this problem. I would take the phone into your possession until you get the data off it. If you don't, he may figure out how to wipe it. He can get a new one. I would threaten poly also.

Everything he is doing points to him lying.

If she is now claiming to be engaged, have you confirmed that is really true? If it is, contact the fiance. He can go after her messages on her phone too. Do not hesitate to do this. The fiance may have time to re-think his future wife's actions. He may have other information about what has been going on.

If it is an Iphone, download Wondershare Dr. Fone and use the free version. You don't need access to the lock screen of the phone at all. It just downloads everything including deleted messages that haven't yet been overwritten simply by plugging it in to USB. It can even grab Icloud backups without physical access to the phone if you know the icloud password.
 
#33 ·
My final post on this subject. Yesterday, after finding out the phone was unable to be repaired, I did not give him an option. I forced him to sign onto his Verizon account. There is a place that you can see text messages. So, I got to read those text messages. He stood over me and denied them at first. Seriously?? It was pretty obvious that they were his and hers. I took pictures of every message. They were all about I love you and sexting. I got into his pictures. They were naked pictures they had sent each other. He continued....CONTINUED....to deny a PA. I left him last night and stayed elsewhere. He kept calling and every now and then I would answer. He would tell me there was nothing to them. It was all a joke. He begged me to return. He slowly admitted that they "touched". He kissed her on the forehead...things like that. Finally, I said, I will come back today if you admit to a sexual affair. He continued saying he did not have intercourse with her. Ok...guys...semantics. You all are right. It was a sexual affair. It was an emotional affair.

I will be 56 in a month. I have given that man 35 + years marriage, 5 years of high school dating, 2 kids, 5 grandkids, and a military career. His first "affair" happened when we were newly married. His second affair was when I was pregnant with our first child. All of that was 32 years ago but I always said 3 strikes and you are out.

I will not go to his counseling session. He is so adamant for me to go. He wants to work through this. I think I have went above and beyond to save and work on our marriage. I cannot live in a marriage of lies and deceit. I don't know what the future holds for me. But, I know what it does not hold. He can never touch me or be near me again. He has lost it all. I have lost it all because of his selfishness.


For all of those out there struggling with similar things, I have no advice. The good people on here knew and kept me thinking and looking for clues and answers. My heart is broken. He is a damn good liar and pretender. While he is saying his part with the OW was not real, who's to say he isn't saying the same thing to her about me?
 
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