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post #1 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:11 AM Thread Starter
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New to EA

I had no idea there was something called an Emotional affair until 2 weeks ago. My husband of 36 years was sick with the flu. His phone kept ringing. He didn't answer it so I got up and answered it. It was from "Squirt" and no one talked. I memorized the number and looked it up the next day. It was from a woman at his work. Next step was to look at the cell phone records. These two had been talking and texting for 2 years! They ran a race together in August and I didn't think anything of it because he was not happy she was running. Apparently it was unexpected. He swears that it is all just a platonic relationship. They talk on his morning drive to work, on the evening drive home, on trips he takes, and even on vacation time we took together. He just wanted to tell her how fun zip-lining was. They have talked as little as a few minutes and up to two hours. They have talked right under my nose. They text constantly per day. I text her and she said he loves me very much. THAT does not help matters! It just means to me that they have talked about me! I can't take this. I feel so betrayed. I guess what I am needing from any of you is thoughts and opinions. 2 years! He says yeah, but where was I throughout that time. I said...on the phone! He says it isn't anything b/c he has always been with me. But, he hasn't. I've been alone. He has been on the phone.

Opinions?

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post #2 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: New to EA

He's lying.

This is an affair, and it ain't "just" an EA.

Here's the rule, and it might as well be carved in stone:

EA + physical proximity to EA partner = physical affair
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post #3 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: New to EA

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Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
He says it isn't anything b/c he has always been with me. But, he hasn't. I've been alone. He has been on the phone.
Ah the strong disinfectant of clarity. This hits like a cold splash of water to the face. This statement is truth about an EA.
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post #4 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:53 AM
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Re: New to EA

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Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
They talk on his morning drive to work, on the evening drive home, on trips he takes, and even on vacation time we took together. He just wanted to tell her how fun zip-lining was. They have talked as little as a few minutes and up to two hours. They have talked right under my nose. They text constantly per day. I text her and she said he loves me very much.
This is an emotional affair. He is emotionally invested, even under the guise of a "platonic" friendship, in another woman. She is not a friend to the "marriage" she is a friend to him. Even if every word could of been put in a Disney movie, the that fact you were purposely EXCLUDED from this correspondence makes it cheating.

How he responds next will determine what you need to do. First you need to tell him to end the friendship and WATCH HIM send a no contact letter to her. If he complies then the marriage is worth saving. If he breaks no contact, DIVORCE. If he refuses to send the letter or stop, DIVORCE.

Ultimatum time, it's you or her. I haven't read anything that tells me this relationship is unredeemable yet BUT he has to FIGHT for you. Otherwise, YOU WALK. I pray he just got caught up in the excitement of "female attention" and your exposure will quickly bring him to his senses. You HAVE to mean business though. Don't waffle on this.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #5 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: New to EA

Yep, all those hours of texting, calling, and chatting in person is time not spent with you, as it should be.

He is not only cheating, he is cheating you out of the love and attention he promised to you in marriage.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #6 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: New to EA

There are a lot of different reasons people have EAs. I think its important to understand the motivation. This has nothing to do with right or wrong, but can help you think about what you want to do.

From the texts what seems to be tempting him?
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post #7 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New to EA

Fortunately, he has cut all contact with her. She apologized to me as well. He continually apologizes and wants to make it up to me. However, it hurts. He wants to go to counseling. We will. I just feel so cheated out of 2 years.
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post #8 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: New to EA

An emotional affair with a female who her works with?

That is not good.

He needs to go no contact with her and he either needs to change departments or, ideally, change jobs.

This was NOT a platonic relationship. Because it was a secret relationship.

It might even have been physical.

You cannot play Russian roulette with your health or your life so you must, as a matter of urgency, get tested for STDs/HIV.

And have him take a polygraph test.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #9 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New to EA

Thanks for everyone's replies. I never thought I would have to deal with something like this and for no real reason. I definitely feel betrayed and lost. We have been married for 35 1/2 years! I am confused, sad, angry, hurt, depressed. It is the craziest thing. And, I have not really seen this as a huge problem until just recently...anywhere. It is just like it came out of the blue or with technology. Well, where there is technology, there is a trail. It is going to be a long road to recover.
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post #10 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: New to EA

Just want to add this real quick --

For as long as he works w/ her, he'll never cut all contact w/ her. And, until he cuts contact w/ her, the affair is still on.

Any hope of reconciliation has to be tied to him leaving his job.


Last edited by GusPolinski; 02-21-2017 at 01:35 PM.
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post #11 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: New to EA

OP,

The fact that they work together and the length of this affair (2 years!) says to me this is a PA (physical affair). This would be very rare indeed if this was a 2 year long EA only. I would demand a polygraph test from him, if for no other reason than to see if you get a "parking lot confession".

Since they already know you know, snooping at this point will be difficult.

Do you have access to all of most of the text messages ? Does your WH have any social media accounts you can check, like facebook ?

Can you check his phone for apps like Whatsapp that allowing texting that does not show on a phone bill ?

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid."

- Benjamin Franklin
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post #12 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: New to EA

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Any hope of reconciliation has to be tied to him leaving his job.
Agreed, however that might be tough. If they've been married 35 years then he's in his mid to late 50s at best or well into his 60s....

No one is going to hire him at that age. OP is early retirement an option? Ideally, he does need to quit that job for your marriage.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #13 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New to EA

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
There are a lot of different reasons people have EAs. I think its important to understand the motivation. This has nothing to do with right or wrong, but can help you think about what you want to do.

From the texts what seems to be tempting him?
I haven't read any of his texts, of course. He deletes all of his messages right away. To be fair, he has always done that. I would love to see those texts just to know for sure that there was "nothing" going on. But, where there is smoke... Still, just to have 100% proof would make me feel so much better.
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post #14 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New to EA

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OP,

The fact that they work together and the length of this affair (2 years!) says to me this is a PA (physical affair). This would be very rare indeed if this was a 2 year long EA only. I would demand a polygraph test from him, if for no other reason than to see if you get a "parking lot confession".

Since they already know you know, snooping at this point will be difficult.

Do you have access to all of most of the text messages ? Does your WH have any social media accounts you can check, like facebook ?

Can you check his phone for apps like Whatsapp that allowing texting that does not show on a phone bill ?
He doesn't have any social media. I have no access to any of the text messages because he deleted them immediately. He does that to all of his messages and e-mails. E-mails I can get back. I don't know how to get text messages back. I've checked out the Cloud on his phone for any pictures but he doesn't have them synced because it took too much energy. They are from now on.

Not worried about work. They don't really work together. He is in a different area than she is. She also has a fiancé. I don't know if it somehow fizzled out before it became physical. Seems that way. But, the talking continued. She reports she was in a "dark" place and he talked her through it.
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post #15 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: New to EA

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Fortunately, he has cut all contact with her. She apologized to me as well. He continually apologizes and wants to make it up to me. However, it hurts. He wants to go to counseling. We will. I just feel so cheated out of 2 years.
Sorry you find yourself here. Beware that his idea of ''counseling'' isn't blaming the EA on you, somehow. ((hugs))
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