....I had a one-time (literally one day) affair nearly two years ago.
...After we moved in together, things seemed to change. He didn't want sex nearly as often.
...BUT, even though my husband said he wanted children and agreed to try to have one, he wanted sex even less! I was lucky to get him interested once or twice a month, which, when trying to conceive a baby, makes the chances of conceiving fairly slim.
....I confronted him about it, told him I wanted to feel wanted, to make love, and he shouted, "You wanna f**k? Fine, let's f**k!"
His tone was just so cold and to this day, I don't understand him, or what made him get that way towards me.
...an ex-boyfriend contacted me and said he was driving through town. I met up with him, full intending just to talk over a cup of coffee.
Anyway, one thing led to another, and we slept together.
..A few days later, my husband and I made up, sort of.
Long story short, a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was, not for sure, so I confessed to my husband.
I...We made it work, he said he still loved me, and we came to find out through DNA test that the baby was his.
...From an outside perspective, we seem like a very happy family. We have a wonderful "family" life. But our marriage, our marriage feels like we're just teammates, platonic roommates. We haven't had sex since our child was conceived.
...He also refuses to go to counseling.
...he hasn't ever admitted responsibility for his role in all of this, for making me feel unlovable, for neglecting me, for driving me to feelings of self-loathing and depression, and desperation.
.....I'm living in a totally sex-less marriage now. And it's not just the lack of sex, it's the lack of intimacy.
Please be kind, I've hated myself long enough. I'll delete this account if I see any bashing posts, because I really just would love to get some helpful advice.
I don't want to leave him, but I feel like I've run out of options.
OK, you made a big mistake and have learned your lesson. The problem is that your husband and you have not fully reconciled. You were in a sex starved marriage prior to your cheating on him and now you are in an even more sex starved marriage.
You want to be forgiven. You can't demand to be forgiven that is something he has to do.
My first piece of advice is get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. Read it and study it. She has seen and advised many women like you.
It is also clear that you really want to keep your marriage together but are getting tired of the only one who is trying. For you to achieve your goal your husband is going to have to change himself and you are going to have to change yourself as well. I would advice going to a sex therapist together as a way of rebuilding the intimacy and sex within your marriage. If he doesn't want to go to a councilor, I would explain that a sex therapist is a whole lot less expensive than two divorce attorneys......and that is probably the choice you are looking at. Both of you will need help in reaching forgiveness of each other and in changing so that you can love each other.
One of the nice things about MW Davis books are that she is very practical in giving examples of things you can do (180's) that will change the dynamic between the two of you. The change may not always be an improvement, but if it is then you can reinforce it and move toward your goal.