Please don't crucify me - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:56 PM Thread Starter
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Please don't crucify me

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Last edited by bluelikeliz; 02-21-2017 at 06:33 PM. Reason: .
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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

Sounds like divorce would be best for both of you.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

Amazing you thought bringing a child into this mess would make it better. But don't worry, many people, including myself, have made the same mistake before.

You got three options. Let's keep it simple.

1. Spend thousands of dollars and hours going to Marriage Counseling (MC). MC is a crapshoot. It only works if both people want to save/fix their marriage, which is rarely the case.
2. Divorce, sell the house, lose 50% of your crap, see your kid 50% of the time with 50/50 custody, and go find someone that you're more compatible with. If you're smart, you won't make the same mistake again and marry a guy that doesn't want to have sex.
3. Keep living in a sexless, miserable, and unfulfilling marriage so you can see your kid every day, not lose your home and keep 50% of your crap.

I chose #2 because life is too short to be in a sexless and loveless marriage. Lost my house, 50% of my crap, and only see my two young kids 50% of the time. I'm 13 months out, engaged recently, and looking at blending our two families. Loving life again. You have to realize only you can make yourself happy. Having your children raised around a loveless marriage is not healthy and just think much regret you'll have 10-15 years from now when you realize you wasted the prime years of your life with not having a partner that desires you and wants to take care of your needs. Misery.

You have some tough choices to make. Glad you found this forum, you'll take comfort knowing others are dealing with similar issues, some even much worse.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

That must have been good coffee.
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

What an awful situation. Divorce does sound like the most realistic option to me.

I wonder what's causing his lack of interest in sex? Was there plenty before you did move in together? Is there any history of depression/ anxiety?

I appreciate you fear broaching things. 'Dare' is an interesting word choice. Are you afraid of him?

In your position, I would make a list of what I need/ want. If you feel you could ask, get him to do the same. You don't seem to have anything to lose by sharing explicitly what you require from him.

There is life after cheating, love can be rekindled and life can be good. Not an easy road by any means but it is possible. I would suggest you need to move on from your own guilt for your indiscretion because you are accepting the unacceptable in your marriage as a result of the remorse you feel. If you can't move past it, you're making it impossible for him to.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

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Originally Posted by bluelikeliz View Post
....I had a one-time (literally one day) affair nearly two years ago.

...After we moved in together, things seemed to change. He didn't want sex nearly as often.

...BUT, even though my husband said he wanted children and agreed to try to have one, he wanted sex even less! I was lucky to get him interested once or twice a month, which, when trying to conceive a baby, makes the chances of conceiving fairly slim.

....I confronted him about it, told him I wanted to feel wanted, to make love, and he shouted, "You wanna f**k? Fine, let's f**k!"
His tone was just so cold and to this day, I don't understand him, or what made him get that way towards me.

...an ex-boyfriend contacted me and said he was driving through town. I met up with him, full intending just to talk over a cup of coffee.
Anyway, one thing led to another, and we slept together.

..A few days later, my husband and I made up, sort of.
Long story short, a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was, not for sure, so I confessed to my husband.

I...We made it work, he said he still loved me, and we came to find out through DNA test that the baby was his.

...From an outside perspective, we seem like a very happy family. We have a wonderful "family" life. But our marriage, our marriage feels like we're just teammates, platonic roommates. We haven't had sex since our child was conceived.

...He also refuses to go to counseling.

...he hasn't ever admitted responsibility for his role in all of this, for making me feel unlovable, for neglecting me, for driving me to feelings of self-loathing and depression, and desperation.

.....I'm living in a totally sex-less marriage now. And it's not just the lack of sex, it's the lack of intimacy.

Please be kind, I've hated myself long enough. I'll delete this account if I see any bashing posts, because I really just would love to get some helpful advice.
I don't want to leave him, but I feel like I've run out of options.
OK, you made a big mistake and have learned your lesson. The problem is that your husband and you have not fully reconciled. You were in a sex starved marriage prior to your cheating on him and now you are in an even more sex starved marriage.

You want to be forgiven. You can't demand to be forgiven that is something he has to do.

My first piece of advice is get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. Read it and study it. She has seen and advised many women like you.

It is also clear that you really want to keep your marriage together but are getting tired of the only one who is trying. For you to achieve your goal your husband is going to have to change himself and you are going to have to change yourself as well. I would advice going to a sex therapist together as a way of rebuilding the intimacy and sex within your marriage. If he doesn't want to go to a councilor, I would explain that a sex therapist is a whole lot less expensive than two divorce attorneys......and that is probably the choice you are looking at. Both of you will need help in reaching forgiveness of each other and in changing so that you can love each other.

One of the nice things about MW Davis books are that she is very practical in giving examples of things you can do (180's) that will change the dynamic between the two of you. The change may not always be an improvement, but if it is then you can reinforce it and move toward your goal.

Good luck.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

I hate reading someone say things like "he made me feel unlovable" and "for driving me to feelings of self-loathing and depression, and desperation" because this is just pure rationalization for bad behavior. Own your $hit - you cheated and you have chosen to stay married to this man. This is all on you. He's likely to just sail along without considering changing anything in his life because this is how he wants things. Maybe he changes when you tell him you are going to divorce him but I doubt any changes he might make will be permanent.

It's time for you to be courageous enough to end the marriage and release both of you from this hell.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Please don't crucify me

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Last edited by bluelikeliz; 02-21-2017 at 06:33 PM. Reason: .
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluelikeliz View Post
I appreciate everyone's responses and input. I do genuinely want to keep my marriage together. That's what I wanted before all this happened. I don't feel that I'm in "hell." Yeah, I have moments where I feel lonely and a little repressed, but I'm not miserable. I love our family life. I love our daughter. And I do love my husband-- I see so much good in him. I just want that closeness.

It is time for me to be more courageous-- but that doesn't mean leaving him. I think in my case, it means I need to open up to him more about what I'm feeling and telling him that I need something to change. I know this isn't the type of marriage he envisioned for himself either, it can't be. If that discussion leads to the topic of separation or divorce, then that's where it leads, but it's not what I want.

Thanks again to everyone who commented.
Fwiw, I like your honesty in this post. I hope things work out, however that may look for you both.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

Your posts are all about YOU. What about him??? Sure he sounds like a crappy husband, but you sound like a crappy wife. You both have a TON of work to do on yourselves individually before you can even THINK of becoming happily married. To each other, or to other people.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

Blue,

You wrote, And it's not just the lack of sex, it's the lack of intimacy. Yes that does suck the life out of a marriage, that feeling of being alone even when having sex with someone.

Were you completely honest with your H about the affair or are you still lying by omission.

Did you trickle truth your H.

Is your H still emotionally attached to other people, ex GFs, ex Ws etc?

Are you still emotionally attached or communicating with ex'es etc.

Did your H ever confront or expose your exBF. Is he married.

Read "fall in love stay in love" , "his needs her needs", "surviving an affair" all by willard harley.

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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

Why is it, when I read threads like this one in CWI, I think they should have been started in the Reconciliation forum?

I think it's the description under the forum title. I really think this section is for men and women trying to deal with the upheaval of a new infidelity and the decisions to either reconcile or divorce.

My best advice is to ask a moderator to move this thread to Reconciliation or to start a new one there.

You do sound like you want to try to reconcile. Many of the folks who post there have worked on reconciling and have plenty of great advice. You are sure to get less harshness there, as well.

You have a long way to go. You only have your marriage to lose. Sounds like that's the easy way out. Seems like you have plenty of moxy. Give it a go. You will lose without trying anything, or have a slim chance if you try.

Good luck.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

Liz, I don't know how you're to fix this. Your husband had problems before you cheated. That is one thing I can never understand, no intimacy after getting married.

Have you ever thought he might be cheating. Just something to look into. He moves out to his job then you join him after how long? The intimacy thing could come from that.

You need to really consider if the marriage can be saved. One thing is true, you can not do it by yourself. If your husband won't even try, there is no way to fix it.

Also, stop apologizing for what you did. One time and you confessed. Bad move on your part with how you were mentally at the time.

If he won't respond to you stop talking to him. Take care of yourself and your child.

Again you can't fix what he broke to begin with. He has to fix that part.

You have tried to fix what you broke. That is all you can do, the rest is up to him.
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

Your infidelity aside, you are simply not compatible. He has no sex drive and yours is normal or high. This will just not work. It won't. You need to divorce (NOT cheat again) and find a man who wants sex as much as you do. I am a high drive person and there's no way I could be with someone who doesn't want frequent sex. That's no way to live.

Divorce sucks, but a sexless, unhappy marriage plagued by infidelity sucks harder.
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Please don't crucify me

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Amazing you thought bringing a child into this mess would make it better. But don't worry, many people, including myself, have made the same mistake before.

You got three options. Let's keep it simple.

1. Spend thousands of dollars and hours going to Marriage Counseling (MC). MC is a crapshoot. It only works if both people want to save/fix their marriage, which is rarely the case.
2. Divorce, sell the house, lose 50% of your crap, see your kid 50% of the time with 50/50 custody, and go find someone that you're more compatible with. If you're smart, you won't make the same mistake again and marry a guy that doesn't want to have sex.
3. Keep living in a sexless, miserable, and unfulfilling marriage so you can see your kid every day, not lose your home and keep 50% of your crap.

I chose #2 because life is too short to be in a sexless and loveless marriage. Lost my house, 50% of my crap, and only see my two young kids 50% of the time. I'm 13 months out, engaged recently, and looking at blending our two families. Loving life again. You have to realize only you can make yourself happy. Having your children raised around a loveless marriage is not healthy and just think much regret you'll have 10-15 years from now when you realize you wasted the prime years of your life with not having a partner that desires you and wants to take care of your needs. Misery.

You have some tough choices to make. Glad you found this forum, you'll take comfort knowing others are dealing with similar issues, some even much worse.
Bravo! Excellent post GiC... sums up the choices perfectly. I also chose #2 (took me a good long while to get there) and have NEVER regretted it. Not once.

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
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