Originally Posted by TooNiceDave
I am not real familiar with the dangers of EA (I imagine this is very serious) but I can say from my perspective they are devastating to emotional health of the marriage and devastating to self esteem. I read that my wife remembered exactly what he was wearing and what he was eating when they met 25 years ago. The tone was filled with admiration of/for him. Yet he never even gave her a birthday card.
Thank you...how would I get this moved to the Infidelity Section?
Your feelings are quite understandable. I would feel the same way. While I do think you should protect your long term interests I suggest that you go ahead anyway and shut down this activity.
Now of course we cannot control other people but we can have our own boundaris for what is acceptable. So I suggest you calmly but clearly state to your wife that she must go total NC with her previous lovers immediately. No tapering off. Cold turkey. These are emotional affairs. They are very serious and destroy marriages. If she protests that is a bad sign of course. Tell her this is a boundary for you and not acceptable in your marriage. If she starts using words like controlling and her privacy and her freedom you are getting the rhetoric of someone who is well into the EA and getting the cheating mindset. Then you just have to be firm. You tell her that if she does not go immediate NC you will be proceeding with a divorce.
IMO married partners should have zero contact with past lovers. That would start for sure after engagement let alone marriage. Previous lovers are instant problems because they have already been there and can fall back in bed in moments upon upon meeting again. It happens.
Also while you are certain they have not met, understand that many cheated on husbands are certain their wives have not met with the OM. Distance is but a smal deterent. If there are mutilple men then the odds become even worse.
This is a boundaries problem. Her pursuing these guys is huge. It basically tells them she is theirs for the taking. It would be bad enough of they pursued her and she allowed it. I also suggest that you and her together do the His Needs Her Needs. Part of this is discussing, defining and agreeing upon boundaries.
It should be noted that an OM is pretty much a fantasy. So she finds you less attractive these days and is looking for that old feeling. This scenario plays itself out time and time again. Visit Married Man Sex Life
. Fantasy or not she has shared intimacy with these guys and is pursuing this again. Her feeling she can stop any time but just does not want to right now is playing just the tip. This stuff accelerates very quickly.
Also see the Men's section and look into whether you have been too much of a Nice Guy and need to do some manning up.
It seems women lose respect and attraction for men who are too nice to them. Go figure.
Are you guys spending time together? Some say fifteen hours of one on one time is essential per week. Are you and she going out on dates and having regular enjoyable sex?
Is she around the age of 40? You may have said this already but are these OM married or in long term relationships? How can you be so certain they have not met up or are not planning this?