I just found this forum last night, and it was a like wave of relief. Maybe those of you with experience can shed some light. I've really made a mess of my life. A sh** storm is an understatement. Been married 10 years, one daughter age 10. I'm the cheater, for about the last 9mths. I read the book "Not just friends" and I suppose I'm a typical case. Met the guy at work, started out small, you know coffee, lunch, then gym after work..ect.It was definitely an emotional connection before anything else, then turned physical. My husband found out when the OM called my cell, but i didnt have it, H did. OM spilled all the beans, and well, i'm sure you guys know how it goes from there.
H and I are still living in the same house, long story, but it's been ok. After he found out, I wouldn't quit seeing OM, even though H forgave me, and was begging me to work it out. I thought I loved OM. I should say, i've got serious issues unresolved issues from childhood, and OM has borderline personality disorder; the relationship was like an addiction (the therapist tells me). I sought out a therapist before the affair was revealed bc I was going crazy inside. Anyway, the affair cost me my job, we were both "reassigned" when the OM started harassing me at work, because I cut off outside contact with him. He "rages", and when he does, it's like a hurricane of insults, threats, ect..and then it passes, and it's amazing, he's loving, ect...i know how this must sound. it's crazy, and obviously no one in their right mind would leave a good marriage for this.
I've finally taken my therapist's advice and gotten some distance from OM. it's not been no-contact, but very close. She says I cannot see how bad this is, when I'm living so chaotically. And she was right. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I can't barely function without crying at the pain I've caused. H is a good man. We didn't have a perfect, or even near perfect marriage, but no one deserves what i've done. I don't know if I still love him, or if I ever truly did, but we've spent 12 years together-12 years of holidays, moves across the country, birth of our child, vacations ect..a third of our lives together. He's a good person and an amazing father.
When this all came out, H and I agreed to stay in this house and divorce when we move back to CA, we are in TX for work for another yr. I"m fairly certain, from things H has said and done, he would be willing to try and work things out, although neither of us has directly spoken of it. How can I bring this up? Our communication has always been very poor, so I don't know to go about this. We can chat about movies, entertainment, ect.. but when it comes to anything personal, anything with feelings, we just can't, or have never, gone there. I think that's what is making complete no-contact with OM so difficult. If i don't have him, I literally have not one other person who understands me, and who I can open up to. I just need some advice, any kind you have, I can, and need to take it. I'm fairly sure this is rock bottom, so I can only go up from here.
Look, there is absolutely no point in even contemplating a reconciliation with your husband until you COMPLETELY cut off the OM from your life. COMPLETELY. You don't seem to understand that every time you speak to him, text him, email him, whatever, you've taken several steps back in any sort of healing.
Why would you want to stay in a toxic situation like this. He sounds dangerous - maybe you like "bad boys" and he is your little girl crush on a bad boy. Well, grow up. Either end it with him and work on your marriage with a husband that has given you the unbelievable gift of forgiveness, or let him go find a woman that deserves him. Simple.
Honesty , evidencing your willingness to be truthful. Ask your husband to delay any big relationship decisions. Read the newbie thread and write the NC letter , speak to close family and ask for support in rebuilding your marriage. If your husband is unsure what to do or the tools required to recover you will have to guide him.
No further contact with the OM ever. Please don't give us the wayward script that you can't cut out the OM your husband is not the backup plan , thats what you are making him and he is smart enough to see it.
No trickle truth it's a killer for a betrayed spouse. None of the above on it's own will save your marriage nor are there any promises that they will.
It's your consistent actions in words and deeds that count. Many betrayed spouses do not recover from an affair. Posted via Mobile Device
1) this OM is a drug, a really bad drug that is damaging your whole life, just like crack or heroine would. You've already lost your job and possibly your marriage because of him. WAKE UP
2) the pain you've caused your husband is immeasurable - worse than if a friend died. You need to know this and if you want to save your marriage, you need to get contrite and humble, like yesterday.
Nothing will ever get resolved fully unless you go completely no contact with OM. Everything for your H is still fresh you can't expect reconciliation right away, although you have already agreed to divorce. You must remember your H is very angry right now, your betrayal has put him there. And it could be he doesn't want to talk about feelings because you are STILL in contact with OM! Need someone to open up to? Start a journal or even vent on here but as a cheater don't expect sympathy from this forum. Besides that I would say keep going to your therapist, try to talk to your H, and understand that he is hurt and it will take heavy lifting on your part, complete transparency, and time for him to heal. Posted via Mobile Device
Don't know if your therapist has explained it, but every single time you have any contact with the OM you ate feeding your brain a nice dose of highly addictive chemicals generated by your brain. It very much is a chemical addiction and it's an addiction you can end by fully cutting off all contact with the OM.
Fully,
Look at your H and kid. Think ahead to your kid growing up without you there in their life. Think about the jerk OM and hs mood swings and the fear it will instill your kids world.
Ditch the loser OM. Then work hard for a long time to prove to your husband and child that you actually deserve another chance to be part of their lives. Posted via Mobile Device
Stay 100% away from the OM. If you don't, you're done. You can come here and talk to us. This is what I do. I have no one else to talk to except my counselor as well. And you know that it's not the same.
Get out of the house and find a quiet place to talk. Then, say "We need to talk about our marriage." and go from there. Express you desire to stay, and you commitment to the whole process regardless of how long it takes.
If he's no longer interested, sorry. But we cheaters give our spouses all of the power.
No it can go worse from here. You husband might realize how selfish you are and might actually divorce. The OM might beat you up and when you come back, the husband might not be there for you. So you stay alone for the rest of your life repenting for your mistakes but there might never be a second chance.
No it can go worse from here. You husband might realize how selfish you are and might actually divorce. The OM might beat you up and when you come back, the husband might not be there for you. So you stay alone for the rest of your life repenting for your mistakes but there might never be a second chance.
The OM may also do something to hurt your kid. Well he has already helped break up the family, but beyond that OM may abuse your child, cut you off from her, etc. Posted via Mobile Device
Have you both been tested for STD's. I hope you show some empathy for your husband. How would you feel if the roles had been reversed and he betrayed you behind your back and put you at risk for STD's?
Thank you for your words everyone. And you're right, it can/could get worse. The therapist didn't tell me it was actually an addiction, but it makes sense, because I feel so much better not speaking to him, but there's just something I can't describe that lets me answer when he calls. H was never at risk of STD's. We were not intimate for over 1 year prior to the affair, and still have not been since.
Again, how do you think you would be feeling if the roles had been reversed? If you feel that you would not have cared then it is time to see an attorney and stop this charade. Good luck.
The amount of pain you've caused your husband is something you don't understand. You say that you don't even know if you love him or EVER have loved him. Well, of course you're going to feel this way. One, your guilt is getting in the way. Two, you're still contacting OM and three, How can you love something you broke. Like a brand new car, you love that car. Drive it everywhere, keep it clean and serviced. Then, one day, you smash it into a wall. That car isn't looking too pretty now. It's all dented up and it doesn't run right anymore....chances are you wouldn't want to drive it anymore.
Problem is are you willing to put in the time and effort into banging out all the dents, repainting the car, fixing the frame and the engine? (I hope you're getting the symbolism here...)
It feels like sh*t, I can imagine. H had an emotional affair with a woman from work, and it was only after I went digging and found proof, that he finally admitted it to me. I was beyond devestated and felt like everything I had known was a sham. Granted, it wasn't physical in his case, so I can only imagine how those feelings are magnified when it is. I get a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.
really, really caused a mess... 
