Help don't know how to take this - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 05:50 PM Thread Starter
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Help don't know how to take this

Hello I have so many questions and so very confused at the moment I just don't know what I should do. I will start with a bit of a background leading up to today. I am sorry this gonna be long but please read and give advice.

Me and my husband have been married now 13 years and have been together almost 20. we have two boys together 11 + 15. I also have two older boys that are 27 + 29. We have had our ups and downs and we've had and struggles here and there but nothing more than probably normal couples up until probably about 6 years ago. I was a a SAHM since our 2001. In 2005 I started caring for my elderly mom this brought in some extra money. in 2011 she passed away. And at that time when I needed him most is when he became more distant at the same time I had recently met up with a old high school boyfriend and we played online games together along with my second oldest son. We just chatted a little bit no big deal and played WOW. But after my mom passed I needed someone's shoulder to cry on basically when he was kind of there for me he listened to what I needed and he listen to my struggles with my marriage and loosing my mom. he was also going through his own marriage problems at the same time.With loosing the income from caring for my mom I had decided to go back to school and to become a massage therapist. of course my husband had already told me he figured I would never make anything of it. My friend was very encouraging and cheared me on with school. We had meet up a few times for lunch and went to a couplel movies ( my husband doesn't like going to movies much) things did go little farther than I'd intended with kissing and 1 time. One day we were chatting through Facebook and I had left and some how forgot to log out some when hubby can home he saw it. he confronted me we discussed it debated divorce but decided to work it out. I had cut it off and I realized how bad I had hurt him. As part of us working it out he moved out of our bedroom into his own room. Things were going okay this way we still had sexual relations he would just come to my bed or I would go to his bed. he enjoyed actually having his own space. One thing he's always hot and I'm always cold so it kind of help with that issue In mean time I finish school and after-school I started working for a little while started having health issues not sure what was up but I was hurting a lot and very fatigued and different things. I did not have insurance so couldn't go and have it checked out. It made working really hard and just couldn't do it my hands hurt my body hurt. So lost my job after just a few months. I tried looking for another job but was having a very hard time at it and finally gave up. In 2014 I finally got insurance and was able to go see a doctor and get checked out I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis with fibromyalgia Inot 2014 had to have my gallbladder removed. In 2015 I became severely anemic do to extra bleeding during my menstrual cycle had to have a surgery for that. Have just haven't been able to work due to my condition and autoimmune disease. With no income coming in I wasn't making my student loan payments. After I defaulted on loan he grudgingly started making some small payments after they work started calling on it..

This last July my oldest son had started having some problems and needed to return home so we decided that my husband would move back into the bedroom and my son would take over that bedroom. I figured this was a good time that we can get our marriage back on track since we spent so much time in the same bed anyway it was just a matter of moving stuff back. I thought things were going pretty good.

My husband works in construction driving a cement truck so his work hours are never set. Hours vary considerably one day he could get off at 3 next day I get off at 5 specially in the summertime where working 60 hour weeks are common.

Now the current issue which seems to have started the end of August one Sunday he kind of almost seem like started a fight just so he could take off. He was gone for several hours finally came home apologized and said he was sorry about everything. He was telling me how he went to the pier and happen to meet a woman there who had just gotten in a fight with her boyfriend. They apparently talked. she apparently put some sence into him on what i was going through and so I had her to thank for his turnaround. I didn't think much of it after that. A few weeks later I had use the car to haul some stuff when I got done I was vacuuming out the car. I vacuumed underneath the seat and found a hairbrush that was not mine. This made me to start wondering what's going on. I had decided to go to our cell account and look up phone records on who was calling and who was texting back and forth with. There's a couple of new numbers that I hadn't seen before. And then I also realize that his days have even gotten longer it was now 9 o'clock before he was coming home. I decided to try a couple times to do something sweet and I stopped by his car at put something nice in the car while it was sitting at his work parking lot. A couple times I went by and he says he was working and his car wasn't even there. At the same time I started doing even more things for home like making his lunch, setting coffee pot, getting up an hr earlier than I needed to, to make hinges oatmeal to take with him, sending him more texts to say "I love you and how you doing", even upped out sex life. A short few weeks later one afternoon Sunday afternoon he said came out and he said that he got a phone call from a friend and then he needs to go help him out. That his son's son was having issues and they need need to go help him with it. So he took off. I decided to check the phone records and there wasn't even a phone call from his friend there was however a phone call earlier that day to this OW. I decided I thought I'd be nice since I knew hit this friend and I sent him a message and letting him know that if you need any help with this situation to let me know and I hope everything went okay. His friend sent a message back not knowing what I was talking about. Later I noticed through cell records that he went ahead and called his friend after I had asked him about it and his friend contacted me and said oh yeah everything's going okay. At this point I started feeling down and depressed knowing something was going on but not for sure just what was happening. Finally one day he asked me what my problem was. I told him that you never realize what you have till you start loosing it and I was afraid of losing him. He push me further and I kind of confessed a little bit of what I knew because of him lying to me about what time he was getting off and things like that and all the sudden he became very defensive and getting really pissed off at me. He said he was gong to to the sporting good store or antique mall. He off on how dare I accused him of cheating even though I never said anything about actually cheating. He didn't talk to me for a couple days then we made up. At this point I just figured I'd let things go and try to see if I can actually get some proof or something along those lines. This was back in the beginning of October.

For a while things seemed to have slowed down. I stared trying even harder to be what he wanted/needed going further sexualy full filling his fantasies and kinky desires. Let me add something here we have always been very touchy Feely to each other lots of kissing and I love you's. But I started noticing I was doing more and more of the initiations even sex he even started turning me down claiming he was to tied. This put into hyper mode I stared keeking and even a closer eye on cell phone records checking at least once a hr, started doing number look ups, looking at bank statements, cllecting bank recepts, bank statements, sneaking on to his phone. I noticed things escalated in December started taking to more than one woman even. Through bank statements I noticed he was making a lot of withdrawals and purchases around a certain area of a nearby city now this area is about 40 minutes away from where we live and out of the way for coming home from work. One day I caught 2 texts from the first woman (I'll call her OW1) it said said "sorry I was at the club" the other said "I'mean always available for you baby" I went back to cell records and noticed he had sent OW1 a message on Tuesday but no response. Then on Wed he got a text from another woman he exchanged several messages with this one on Wed and Thursday. OW1 sent this message on fri. Mid December. I had started getting a feeling that this had something to do with a strip club which is in that area he is spending time in. I was thinking this other woman was a stripper there. By the way her phone is a burner phone and she changed numbers . About 2am Christmas morning he got a couple texts. I have went to cell records to see who sent and he got 2 pics from OW1 I snuck on and looked he had returned the text saying thanks for the pics then clicked on the pics 1 was a selfy of her on a a Lacey top and no bra the other was collection of pics of her lady parts porn type pics. A few days later I asked him to send me a copy of a pic he took at Christmas he sent to my son. Some how he sent me these 2 pics of her. Then about 4 am on New years day he got a text. I looked phone records again and he goy a pick from this other number OW2. I snuck on and saw I was a pick of a different woman this was a normal type pic. His return text said thank you nice pic how about a pic of you other smile. Her response was ummm no LOL. Trying to keep myself in his mind I had started sending reveling pic of myself to him. At the same time he was still telling me he loved me and wanted me. When he would say I love you I would even say do you really and he would say yes. I would would even ask him does he want to be with me and he would say yes. One time while laying bed he even said that he thought we would both be lost without each other.

I had started noticing time frames. when and where he would make a bank withdrawal to that area and the time he would call me and say he was off work. I noticed he would normally spend about an hour to a hour and a half with them also the withdrawals are always $100.

Things continued OW1 sent more pick of herself in her bra. Then one day a pic showed up on his phone of a 3rd woman. Then I notice another woman's number he had put then in his contacts in a way to look like they were work related. Then back at the beginning of this month he had a day off due to work he got a phone call while he was in the bedroom he tried moving away from the door but I tell he was speaking in a sweeter voice so I walked into the room I could hear a woman's voice but not make out the words then he said no I can't tonight and hung up. I asked who that was an said some guy with wrong number. I said I head a woman's voice wharf did she want he said just asks if I wanted to meet up he then said I have no idea who it was see and showed me his phone with the number but no name. So I walked out I had to wait a half hr before it would come up on cell records about an hr later when I checked I also shower he sent he a text and exchanged a couple. So when he went to a shower I snuck on and he sent a message asking who she was and she came back with so and so. The next day I noticed they had exchanged texts several times. That night I checked phone and text were gone but I looked up his contact list for the number and was listed under the name she gave him. I was so mad I deleted the contract. By the way 99% of the time he would delete all the texts from these women so I have only seen a few.

I started getting really desperate and ordered a gps device. I wanted to try and catch him. I put in the car the first day the mon before Valentines day. I watch the phone and knew when he got off I watch as he drove he drove to that area. I fought the urge to go try and catch him. Now this area is a major road and within these 30 blocks or so are lots of homeless and prostituteso. He drove up and down this stopping here and there for 5 min or so. Finally he stopped for about 10 min then it went went in a weird direction and stopped again. I looked this place up in Google maps it was a dead-end road with noon house on it so thinking gps is off a bit he stayed there about 20 min then started moving again, I noticed it was now headed toward home he then called me and said he was on way home. The next day he came straight home. On wed i noticed he had sent OW1 a messege that morning as normal she didn't reply till about 130pm he didn't reply. Since he took the truck the gps was not in it so could not tell for sure when he got off but by background noise when I talked to him I could tell he did work late. He got home after 7pm and when he took his shower I snuck on while I was holding the phone a text came from OW1 I opened it and it said You know I hate it when you ignore me. I just deleted the message. The next day they exchanged only a few texts and he came straight home. On Friday he sent his morning message sent her several she replied to a couple he sent one at 5. He got off at 6 I was ready to head in but he came straight home. She never did reply. We had sex saveral times over the week end. We normaly have been having at least 5 times a week. Then mon. He didn't send her a good morning text but still sent mine. I started think maybe things were changing and he was dropping these women. At 130pm he sent me a text that said I love you. I at that timeeven noticed the car was moving. It headed the opposite direction I knew where he was going and that was OK I sent him a message when he got there a king how his day was going. As he was leaving there he replied very wet I waited to reply until late he got back near work where he could easily say I off so I sent him a message does that mean your going to get off early? No reply as I watched him drive by his exit. I got in car and headed in he again drove up and down the road stopping 5 min here and there. Did this for 2 hrs. I had to work hard at not letting see me. We passed at one point he was alone. He finally stopped for longer than 5 min but was just out of area and was between me and home I had to pass where he was parked to get home. Well he saw me. He followed me home and that's when the fight started.

I let him know some of what I knew about the women acted like I didn't know what I was talking about. He did confess talking and texting OW1 and admitted she happened to work at the strip club but met her on the pier. He said didn't have sex with her or anyoke else and that I have NO proof he did. He kept bring up what I did 5 years ago and how I put us in depth for $20,000 for student loan.he admitted to the least having a emotional affair. But kept bring up what id 5 years ago and started getting mad at me . I kept saying I was sorry for what I did in past but I had ended it when I realized how it hurt him. At one point he said 2 wrongs don't make a right but it does make a big mess. Finally ended with us saying we love each other and want to work it out. He went to computer looked at facebook and ebay Over the next hour or so. He seemed to get madder as time went on finally came to living room to sit was real stand offish and cold. I tried talking to him and he said I needed to back off and give him room to breath. finally got up and went to our room. He came in and got his phone and walked out. A few min later I was out he was setting his alarm I gave him a kiss and said good night he stayed watching TV a hr later he turn off TV and layer on couch. I came out about an hour later and said he could come to bed. Yesterday got up and I did my normal and made him his breakfast. Gave me a hug, kiss and said I love you and left. I didn't get my good morning text about 11 I sent him a text saying good morning I love you and I hoped breakfast was good. Never heard from him he finally came home about 8pm one kid was asleep. Was very curt with me. Said it was my turn to sleep on couch I sain no I have a bed here. Well we sat on couch and watch a show he was cold to me. I finally said I was going to bed and he could join me. He started saying something about not having a bed or a room. I said that was our bed and our room then he kept say no I said it was my bed. Anyway he slept on couch got up same as yesterday no texts or response to mine.
OK so what do I do from here? He is mad at me. Shouldn't I be the mad one? He blames what he did now on me for what I did 5 years ago. By the way he has not text or talk to anyone except work yesterday or yet today.

I am thinking I just need to back off a see what happens. If he goes that area try and catch in act for the prof. See if he contacts any of them and when.

Please help me give me your thoughts. Sorry for being so long but thank you for reading!

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

Way too long. Condense. Never made it to the end or a question.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 06:20 PM
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

First, what happened 5 years ago? Did you cheat or just had student loans?
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 06:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

Both
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 06:34 PM
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

Yes, you know the truth.

Yes, he sees prostitutes at 100 dollars a squirt.

Yes, you are one tolerant lady.

Yes, you were unfaithful to him five years ago.

Yes, he uses this as an excuse to squirt in/on other women.

Yes, you both need to see a marriage counselor. He will not go...I suspect.

Yes, at some point your Yeses will turn to No!...No Mas.


I see your marriage crumbling and failing if he does not stop his selfish ways.

Sorry for your pain.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 06:54 PM
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

Beth,

Did you tell your H the full truth about your affair?

Did he ever recover from your affair?

Does the OM still live in the area or have contact with you?

Was the affair ever exposed?

It sounds like what he did was worse, but you can only clean up your side of the bed so to speak.

Tamat
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 07:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

qok to answer your questions

Quote:
Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
Beth,

Did you tell your H the full truth about your affair? No not really but suspected

Did he ever recover from your affair? I am not sure I thought he did.

Does the OM still live in the area or have contact with you? No not near at all about 60 miles away. No no contact.

Was the affair ever exposed? No nothingmore than the messeges that he saw

It sounds like what he did was worse, but you can only clean up your side of the bed so to speak.

Tamat
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 08:10 PM
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth69 View Post
OK so what do I do from here? He is mad at me. Shouldn't I be the mad one? He blames what he did now on me for what I did 5 years ago. By the way he has not text or talk to anyone except work yesterday or yet today.

I am thinking I just need to back off a see what happens. If he goes that area try and catch in act for the prof. See if he contacts any of them and when.

Please help me give me your thoughts. Sorry for being so long but thank you for reading!
Could you please explain more about your affair.

It's not clear how much of an affair is was. You said that you kissed him once. Is that all of the physical contact you had with him?

How intimate were your conversations/chats with him?

How long did it last?

Do you have contact with him now?
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 08:59 PM
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

I would go get checked for STD's



You do matter!
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 09:11 PM
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

Beth,

If I understand correctly from what you wrote you had sex with OM one time and kissed him many times.

I think you need to make your confession to your H, and he needs to make his confession to you.

You can offer to take a polygraph to establish that he has the full truth, and he can take one as well.

What I think happened is that your H stopped trusting you when he discovered your affair and sensed that he didn't have
the full truth and would never get it. He then gave up on the marriage in spirit since your exclusivity was broken.

Stop having sex with your H until you both get tested for STDs your health is important to your children.

Tamat

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 09:38 PM
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

The answer is he is seeing escorts, perhaps though the strip clubs and playing at being a sugar daddy. Why he is going this route is I guess it is because it is easy. No real talking or spending real time talking. I knew a guy who went this route and I asked him why. His answer was it's easy. You show up, they walk up and talk with you and you either hook up or they move on. No guess work. Worked for him, me rather have a wife it's worth it.

The thing is from what I have read finding a woman who is an escort or a stipper who was not a CSA victim or FOO issues at home that invovled sexual issues is like winning a the lottery. So prostitution is not a victimless crime in nearly every case, it is the revictimization of a victim.

Why did your first marriage end?

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish

Last edited by JohnA; 02-22-2017 at 09:45 PM.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: Help don't know how to take this

I think your husband is visiting prostitutes. First things first. Get tested for STDs. And when you have sex with him, make sure it's protected.
Since he's getting it from you pretty frequently, it could be an addiction for him. And now that he knows that you're on to him, he'll just get smarter about hiding it.

What do you want to do? Do you want to work on it or are you done with the marriage?

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 08:12 AM
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Cool Re: Help don't know how to take this

Your relationship with your H sounds like it has evolved into a total train wreck, for which there seems to be no viable solution in sight! Is this truly the lifestyle that you want? You deserve a far better hand of cards out of life!

If there is no mutual committed agreement between the two of you to involve serious, painstaking marriage counseling, I see little to no hope except for more of the same!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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