Coworker "friend" - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 10:56 AM Thread Starter
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Coworker "friend"

My husband and I are together since age 25, 26 he was blue collar guy then worked in an office after being there a few years, I went to start picking him up here in summertime with our kids but never went in. That same summer I met a coworker friend at the Amusement park we took our kids, she was plain, bit rough personality,but when my husband said she had the week off bc she didn't wanna be there when he wasn't- it was a yellow flag.
He was a Heating service mgr , she was a service dispatcher- he said she was going for the dispatch manager job- my mouth flew open, I said" that wouldn't be good for our marriage". Had not talked of her, but I did notice in late May the nxt spring a name Steve on his personal phone(work ppl call it, most guys) one Name didn't look too familiar, so I scrolled through our old phone and it was that woman.
I called and yelled what's happening here?. He came right home and claimed he just put Name STEVE that(instead of Steph) in there bc he knew I didn't like her when I met her. He had been training her bc she got that position. I was upset bc it didn't make sense to me, but he even laughed it off, He said it was only professional. I said you need to let me see both phones, emails, he complies. He then gave me it one night and I saw- 3 weeks later, she had texted after work, a work related item and He asked her: if she had picked up her kid? She then went on and on about her ex, her kid and telling her kids something, stuff you tell a girlfriend, he hardly said anything in reply. I told him he was insensitive bc he said it was professional and that talk only is for friends. I told him he's gonna have to leave job - he was surprised ( I felt she was coming on to him) , He stated just needed to stay yr to get our home. I cried on/ off that summer but held in a lot too.
We looked for House but couldn't find one-1st time buyers. We went on vaca by ourselves , 1st time in yrs, she txted one time about work, that irked me but that's it.
That summer she started texting his Work phone at night, 9 or 10, but just YOUTUBE videos.. but this bothered me . Hubby said he would tell her to stop, she didn't Stop, she continued to txt dumb utube 3 /5x a week, one real txt in Jul on a Sunday said,,,I got a secret, he said it bc what there Boss says all the time.
July I saw a stupid email from another coworker- her friend, sent a music utube :love song, to BOTH of them. I wrote person thru his email as if I was him to ask abt music vid she said it was to go with some other thing but video was ARMSOF AN ANGEL.
Then in August Steph sent photo of sign when she was w then boyfriend and kids- hub went in to work and in it in front of others told her STOP txting. A few months no txts then early December she called phone when we were out on his lunch brk. Hubby said I don't know why she's calling, its her day off/well I texted back ( w his blessing)this is his wife , you can txt his work phone this is his personal phone, she wrote back :"I thought it was for work "
***pls stay w me, this is the next yr 2016 the story turns soon. He left phone on following spring,I heard him tell dirty joke to Guy and heard her laugh too, called him back, mad that he talked like that in front of her. He was mad that I was upset but came home bc I said I'd be going to his work. He said I got to stop. I was ready to confront her on the I got a secret text from b4. I didn't. June came around and I saw a silly IM on his laptop, about candy crush, I told her stop this bc its not classy to be texting married coworker, and didn't appreciate her texting at night before too. She apologized. but also said pls do not contact me again.
This is where it was weird/upset me bc he said he'd say something to Steph about it,,, but when he came home at night he said NO I didn't mention it to her.. that hurt me very much. I felt that this was his chance to show me he was in agreement that she shouldn't txt. So I decided to start put Cell w Recorder in bag,, found nothing about passion or meeting up but he was talking dirty directly about her, He does talk this way to me since we met and in mixed company of friends at times about women but still, I didn't like his :jokes. He said in front of others at mtg.- "I picture you w this Guy technician behind you doing you, haha"; she didn't laugh or say anything. I must of taped 10x but I knew by the 11th it may be found, I did it anyway, He erased almost all 10 recordings, but they never had them talking dirty back and forth.

* Theres also a video of him in attic, (part of his job inspecting heaters)he was clearly w another person, can see jacket also but claims it wasn't her, sounds a very breathy, like maybe bj,, her type of jacket, but everyone got them for gifts, claims it wasn't her. I realized to check FB POST from that date, she wrote on her face book regular stuff about xmas but added: thoughts go to other things ,, I'm glad I'm not an AngeL... so when I told him this was on her post same day as video ,hubby says I don't know what she means by that. I broke down in Dr office month ago, she put me on meds bc of situational anxiety, I needed it bc I've tortured myself too long.
Why wont he confess,,,,, he says he swears on his Dads and our kids souls he didn't cheat (physically) admits he was wrong to lie about her name or talk dirty in front of her, wish he yelled at her txting at night Early on but didn't realize it hurt me so much. The part is that in between I had found a small note that said --I am starving for you or Fast food restaurant. I did not confront him right away.
I waited weeks, then I asked he said he had no idea abt note, we had a rough rest of the yr but we bought our home, I reported stuff (nighttime tx hers, friends email)to HR under anonymous and that is when they both stopped communicating at all. Weeks later,he quit like he said he would, but only for 3 wks, bc they begged him to come back but he said NOT to that office, they made room for him in other office far away from original. I agreed but freaked out for a day bc I found out she had got promotion at original office.

Why wont he confess,,,,, he says he swears on his Dads and our kids souls he didn't cheat (physically) admits he was wrong to lie about her name or talk dirty in front of her, didn't realize it hurt me so much.

BTW I pretended I was friend of mine,recently asked STEPH by txt outright - she said no, he was just a friend and that's it. Why would she tell truth! She doesn't wanna lose face at her job.
Does everyone believe he is lying. I need opinions...
He is not most sensitive person I said call therapist, he says yes to therapy but also what hurts , saying he was hardly talking w her when he actually talked dirty. He didn't stand up for us when he should have. I think that hurts as much as anything. He says he was out of breathe. Now he's been lovely dovey after being pretty rude/ impatient last summer when Id question him about things,,,We raised our older sons together early on and have 1 high function autistic son and 1 daughter both teens.
He says sorry about making me worry b4. when I bring it up now but last yr was fed up w my questions ,was plain mean at times about that bc sick of hearing it. I have been thru all the motions, feelings, sadness, anger. What do I do, let it go...or separate for a while(kinda late for that) or just MCounsel+ Faith in him/us, Does any1 believe it was just friends..


Last edited by GoodGal; 02-23-2017 at 02:20 PM.
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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:15 AM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

Nope. Your husband has very poor boundaries at the minimum, and is involved in an affair at the most. I'm sorry you find yourself here.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

I don't even have to read all that to know that he's lying.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

Your insensitive husband lit the fuse............and you blew up.

You have every right to be upset.

Keep monitoring his communication. As long as he is working with this homewrecker your marriage is at risk.

Now that she has a "boyfriend" she is less of a threat.

If she marries the guy [poor man], the threat will fade even more.

She has poor boundaries and poor morals. She got what she wanted....a promotion. She also wanted your husband. I hope she is satisfied with 50% of her wants.

Fret, not so much. The pertinent [impertinent] He/She got the message. Do not appear insecure or weak.

The heaving breathing in the Attic?.....The air up there was likely very hot and stifling. With fiberglass everywhere, no sane man would pull out his pecker. I do not think anything happened. I see any shenanigans happening in the Attic as possible, but unlikely....unless it happened in Ireland where the Shenanigan Urge be irresistible.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

Yes he liked her attention. Yes he did not stop it. Yes he knew it was wrong and hid it from you.

At this point, if he is no contact with her, what do you want to happen? (Hopefully she found another guy to latch on to.)

He won't ever admit anything else without proof. Never. You can divorce him. You always have that option. You can insist upon a polygraph and divorce him if he fails or if he does not do it. You always have that option. But only play that card if you intent to follow through.

Did he cheat with her? Maybe, maybe not.

You can separate any time for any reason. Maybe this is this first and only strike. Next time you are out. You don't even have to tell him he is out of strikes. Set YOUR boundary that you won't permit this again.

It won't hurt to get tested for STDs.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Coworker "friend"

I did just go to my annual check up, no anything
He did also say that's one thing he wouldn't do is cheat but when I tried to get him to just "confess that it was her in video and the BJ happened bc then we can move on/I can heal, he said :no. Evidence seems to be the video,,, your right it is up to me. This got me unraveled for too long and that is why I want to go to MC. My Dr. said only if He books appt. only-she is right. Still waiting on it. Id like to do the polygraph thing to be sure.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

Goodgal
Quote:
Why wont he confess,,,,, he says he swears on his Dads and our kids souls he didn't cheat (physically) admits he was wrong to lie about her name or talk dirty in front of her, didn't realize it hurt me so much.
If we could get a penny for every time a cheating spouse heard this from their H/W we could all retire rich.

Your H is doing his best to confuse you and the entire situation.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:04 PM
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Coworker "friend"

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Originally Posted by GoodGal View Post
I did just go to my annual check up, no anything

He did also say that's one thing he wouldn't do is cheat but when I tried to get him to just "confess that it was her in video and the BJ happened bc then we can move on/I can heal, he said :no. Evidence seems to be the video,,, your right it is up to me. This got me unraveled for too long and that is why I want to go to MC. My Dr. said only if He books appt. only-she is right. Still waiting on it. Id like to do the polygraph thing to be sure.


Your annual checkup does not check for sexually transmitted diseases. Read that again. You can go to your county health office and get it for free.



Everyone who cheats say they won't cheat, until they do. What does that prove? If he cheated he is lying. Really, how many spouse tell their partner that they would cheat? Nearly zero.



Think about it. Why in the world would he confess? He has everything to lose and nothing to gain.



Tell him the trust in the marriage is broken and will forever be a wedge between you. Unless he takes a poly. He will say he did nothing wrong, He will say they are not reliable. This can be a deal breaker for either of you.



You can tell him if he confesses you will be able to forgive him, but if he lied and you eventually find out you will file for immediate divorce. That would be his ONLY incentive for confessing. And be prepared for trickle truth. "We only kissed one", for example.



To most posters here we tell them to trust their gut. They are probably right. You feel you are right. Based on what you wrote, WE feel you are right.

Last edited by blueinbr; 02-26-2017 at 07:24 AM.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends". Please read and then get him to read.

What he fails to realize is his marriage vows do not protect him from adultety or hurting you. They are things he promised to protect you from 24/7.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Coworker "friend"

I spoke to Dr, about all,cried to her a bit, she did test and said maybe I should see counselor,
and he did like the girls attn. on some level. TY for reply, will ask abt poly.

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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 04:14 AM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

Did you review the site?

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 12:59 AM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

Goodgal, you sound like you are still relatively young. It also sounds like your WH is leading you on, telling you lots of lies. If he really loved you and wanted a good marriage he wouldn't gaslight you the way he is. He obviously knows you are in pain when you want to seek MC and IC, yet he does not budge. He knows you will not follow through with your threats. You have two choices

1. leave it, stop accusing him for you will not get anywhere without evidence, he will just trickle truth, gaslight and rug sweep. Accept it and move on in the marriage
2. Ask him to do a polygraph and tell him if there is a hint of infidelity you will be giving him papers. Go and see a lawyer to discuss your options.

The thing is, cheaters, know what to say, how to placate, make promises 'i never cheated' etc while they are lying through their teeth, It is all about self preservation not making things better in the marriage.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Your H is doing his best to confuse you and the entire situation.
I, for one am completely confused.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 04:47 PM
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Re: Coworker "friend"

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
I, for one am completely confused.


I know... lol..me too..so hard to follow.


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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Coworker "friend"

HI
Got nerve to say over phone think maybe we should separate - He got a bit emotional sounding, can tell he doesn't want to. Trying to be extra caring to me, saying we will be okay to me, etc. Telling me I love You. Not admitting any affair though. I was feeling ok about it. temporarily. (he did move To a different office in OCT 2016. so that was good)
I exploded a few weeks ago one night ,he said we do need MC. I will look up but He needs to call now. Asked him and says Yes to a POLY but,,,,need funds first.

*2 days ago I Broke out in Hives thinking about him + all the stuff that didn't feel right, so that sucked. my body seems to be telling me something. He felt bad took me to ER.
This morning b4 work I brought up the stuff, stating facts I know of, pissed at him. He says "you think too much". he sick of hearing about it. He still said all loving things after.
I will try to keep it together but ever since I talked w Reg. Dr last month she suggested Separation- I thought this week to do it but didn't.
I need to go to IC either way bc I shouldn't felt alone in Marriage for 2 yrs. Realize I was Numb 1st yr, Did I not Confront her abt txt [he asked me not to] just waited for him to STOP her. I will never PUT up with this again(affair or not) Respect for Myself is Priority, he needs to make amends if EA only. I need to Build my life outside home, was SAHM for many years, as we have HS Kids, 1 with high function Autism. This is 18 yr marriage, may be mid life crisis but shouldn't dragged me down w him. No I'm not perfect but being lied to was Hell. Even if no cheating.
My words to him last summer when he was still working w her,Your making the wrong girl Happy. That's a terrible feeling. I deserves Happy/ Honesty, I told him I don't want to him stay if he's not happy. I don't want to be a Marriage w liar either - Its draining. Lots of history here, Hoping MC helps.+ Poly is solid.
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