How can I get proof? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Need more proof

Without going into detail, I found emails and multiple dating sites on my husband's phone and computer two years ago. My husband insisted that he was only "curious" and began looking around as a "lark." (he's retired, I work full time). I was shocked, sickened, devastated because I had completely trusted him. However, he insisted that he loves me, is sorry, and swears that he never cheated with any of the women even though there is evidence that he took them out to expensive restaurants. He claims nothing ever "happened" but I don't believe him. We went through couples counseling (been married 13 years, both our second marriage, children out of house at college) and he said he wants to "make me happy," and doesn't want a divorce. That was more than two years ago. Since that time, he has treated me in a caring, polite way, but there have been many times when it seemed that he was acting oddly or in a suspicious way, that made it appear that he was thinking about -- or still involved with -- someone else. He doesn't know that I went to a lawyer, who told me that I need "current proof" that he is being unfaithful. The lawyer said that if we went to couples counseling and have made love since then, that would mean I "forgave" him and could not charge him with adultery. Two years ago after I found out about the dating sites, I hired a PI who followed him for two weeks and found nothing. I can't afford another investigation (it cost me $1,500). Here's what I need now: How can I "catch" him -- is there a tiny gps device to hide in his wallet to follow his whereabouts, if he's going to a hotel? He has "allowed" me to look at his computer, but I suspect he has another one, and a secret pre-paid phone. I need to be able to prove ongoing and current adultery. At this point I no longer trust him -- I am looking out for myself and I am appearing pleasant and "status quo" until I can save up the retainer for a lawyer ... and in the meantime get definite evidence and catch him. I hope this doesn't make me sound harsh, but I feel that he is playing a game with me, and will con me for as long as he can get away with it. I suspect that the reason why he doesn't want a divorce is because he knows that in our pre-nup (which he wrote) he stated that if there is any "evidence of infidelity" or adultery, that the betrayed spouse will receive a stated (large) sum of $$. Please help!


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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Need more proof

Because you forgive him two years ago, my guess is you have to find new materials. If you are still sleeping with him that might pose a new problem with whatever you find out. You might want to hire a new PI or put a tracker/spyware on his phone and computer.

Also, you might consider putting a gps tracker on the car he uses and go from there. Good luck.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need more proof

TO be honest, I never told him that I had forgiven him ... but as devastated as I was, I needed for him to "prove" he loved me. I'm sure it was a mistake then, but I did not have any proof at the time. Thank you for your suggestions.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 05:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need more proof

You might want to hire a new PI or put a tracker/spyware on his phone and computer.

How can I put a tracker/spyware on his phone or computer? What kind should I buy? Thanks!
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: Need more proof

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You might want to hire a new PI or put a tracker/spyware on his phone and computer.

How can I put a tracker/spyware on his phone or computer? What kind should I buy? Thanks!
Check out this thread Standard Evidence Post

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 09:21 PM
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Re: How can I get proof?

check out @weightlifter thread on gathering evidence. Good luck.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:31 PM
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Re: How can I get proof?

Since you're looking to obtain proof that can be used to prove infidelity in divorce proceedings, the very first thing that you need to do is to get more information regarding which methods you can employ w/o being charged w/ breaking state or federal wiretapping laws.

For example, is your state (assuming that you live in the US) a one-party consent state? If so, you can record any conversation in which you are participating w/o informing the other participants that you're recording the conversation. Placing a VAR in his vehicle, though, may prove problematic.

If he uses a Windows or Mac computer w/ any sort of regularity, you might consider using a keylogger, though you may have to be able to show that it's your computer in order to justify having done that. Not sure if living in a CP state would help you there at all.

You could also place a GPS in his vehicle, but, again, that may not be "legal", strictly speaking.

As has already been mentioned, you should read through @weightlifter's "Standard Evidence Post" thread. (There is also a similar thread authored by @badbane.)

You should also start talking w/ attorneys. Again.

Oh, and because I haven't said it yet...

He's lying.

Sorry.

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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 01:38 AM
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Re: How can I get proof?

To echo Gus, there are only a few states in the United States that actually care legally if adultery applies to division of assets and spousal support. You can walk in on them in your bed, video it and it changes nothing. A lot of states have a cooling off period unless abuse or adultery can be proven. No Fault means no specific reason need to be given,

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 04:18 AM
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Re: How can I get proof?

Here is a link that will give you some good info

Standard Evidence Post
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 04:22 AM
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Re: How can I get proof?

If and when you get some proof of adultery, be careful and do not tell him what you have found until you have a plan of action. If you confront him, he will most likely deny it and take it underground.

since you plan to leave him if you find anything, it might be best if he finds out about you having evidence when he's served the divorce papers.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 04:37 AM
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Re: How can I get proof?

@EleGirl There are a couple of similar posts by the OP in CWI. I think it's just because she is unaware and doesn't post often.

ETA-You can delete this post if necessary. Thanks.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis

Last edited by TBT; 02-26-2017 at 04:47 AM.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 07:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How can I get proof?

Yes -- that's my plan -- following weightlifter's advice to Eyes Open, Mouth Shut, Do Not Confront ! Thanks!
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 03:55 PM
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Re: How can I get proof?

Since you have a prenuptial you might want to consult a lawyer. Evidence of cheating and proof of cheating are two different things. In general states and most lawyers hate adultery cases and tell you the burden of proof seemingly is harder than a most crimes. Evidence and a prenuptial change the dynamic since you aren't under a burden of proof so to speak.

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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 12:29 AM
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Re: How can I get proof?

@honcho I missed the part about a pre-nup. Is there one? Is there is most good lawyers will look to see if it is worth the finacial cost to use it. I recall when states began to pass no fault laws. They did so for two stated reasons. An honest assessments that trapping people in a failed marriage was cruel. It was commonly used by lawyers to drive up fees to the point of brankrupting both spouses.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:21 AM
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Re: How can I get proof?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
@honcho I missed the part about a pre-nup. Is there one?
@JohnA Yep, her is what she said about the prenup.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Help1951 View Post
I suspect that the reason why he doesn't want a divorce is because he knows that in our pre-nup (which he wrote) he stated that if there is any "evidence of infidelity" or adultery, that the betrayed spouse will receive a stated (large) sum of $$. Please help!
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Is there one? Is there is most good lawyers will look to see if it is worth the finacial cost to use it. I recall when states began to pass no fault laws. They did so for two stated reasons. An honest assessments that trapping people in a failed marriage was cruel. It was commonly used by lawyers to drive up fees to the point of brankrupting both spouses.
I wonder if the prenup says what constitutes proof of adultery. It might cost her a lot of money to get the (large) sum of $$. And the emotional toll might be prohibitive.
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