Any suggestions on how to stop the constant obsessive thoughts of the two of them together?? Unfortunately, I asked for very specific sexual details. So there's that going around in my head, plus the fact that she refused to work on any kind of sex life with us, yet turns around and gives it to someone else. The humiliation that I have experienced over this is unimaginable. Any thoughts or suggestions would be great. I just want the ****ty committee to **** up.
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Gotta run back to the gate for one more turn, but I wanted to address this. I see at least one other has also responded.
CSA can badly and deeply damage the woman's adult sexuality. Remember, she learned about sex in a very dysfunctional way, and as a child. If you heard what happened to her it might sound fairly mild, yet it would have profound affects on her. The really horrible abuse would be far worse. She experienced whatever happened with the mindset of a child who did not understand sexuality at all. She may have felt some pleasure, or she may have felt some genuine affection for the abuser, which would be extremely confusing to the child. It may cause much guilt.
Adults may have told her to stfu because she'll be ostracized if people know what she did (note the blame being placed on her and making her seem bad). They may have told her she was dirty.
CSA victims typically either become very sexually reserved or promiscuous as teens. My wife was of the promiscuous variety. But when they get married they can have tremendous emotional difficulty with sex within the marriage. There are number of psychological reasons for the seeming contradictions, where abuse would lead them to promiscuous, and then later making sex in the marriage very very difficult. Yet it is a classic dynamic.
CSA is one of the top 3 factors correlated to women cheating in marriage, another odd contradiction but explainable by the psychology.
In a way, the husband by sheer definition is unable to be the partner she needs. You can take comfort in that what happened is not a reflection of your lack of masculinity or desirability.
I believe when my wife married me she had no idea how much her CSA had affected her, and even as a psychologist all these years later she still doesn't get it. She did not set out to hurt me, but she knowingly did things which by any objective measure were very wrong and very hurtful. Your wife is a deeply damaged child in some ways, which is her deficiency but not her fault.
Her choice to cheat was her fault, and for that she deserves the consequences including blame.