When we started dating in Dec '06, we had a great sex life, in fact I've rarely had anyone as sexual as she. Gorgeous, eleven years younger than me, and with the sex drive of a man was a recipe I enjoyed. Then it happened, I proposed. She started turning me down more and more throughout the year long engagement and by the time we tied the knot we were mostly celibate. She always had an excuse and judging by the way things where in that area prior to our getting married, I figured things had to return to the way they were when we met at some point? She eventually tells me she has no sex drive and blames it on hormones. She initially didn't want to go see a doctor so getting her to do that took a while. Once she went to a doctor and went through testing and such, she was diagnosed with PCOS. I think that might be part of it, but the other issue is there's extensive abuse in her past. Definitely emotional and more than likely sexual. She can't recall any of her childhood however has admitted to remembering bits and pieces of sexual abuse. She says she doesn't remember who or what the circumstance or at what age. I have read and confirmed with a couple of different therapist that women who are sexual abuse survivors, that once they get married, sex becomes a struggle. The survivor sees her husband as the one whom abused her, and so intimacy, both sexual and emotional goes out the window. Once I read this and talk to a couple of therapist I know, it all made sense. My company provides free counseling through our EAP so I have called and got that set up yet she will not go. I don't think she's being rebellious, just is terrified of opening up. This is the same person who when the two of us went to premarital counseling, started crying just walking in the door. It is very very painful for her to talk about anything deep. So my beliefs are that she has a sex drive, had had a sex drive, yet just nothing for me. And believe me I've done everything I can on my end. Interestingly enough, since she and I had our talk which spawned my writing all of this, we have slept together several times, basically every day. This hasn't happened in years. I'm not sure what to make of it. I do have some precautions in place at home now that I'm staring a new trip for work this evening. Does anyone know the specifics of FB Messenger? Like is it possible to put spy ware on her phone that can monitor those messages without jail breaking her phone (android)?? Once again, I appreciate the info and support from you all.
By the time I got to the line about her having childhood abuse it was obvious that was going to be the situation. You have a good general understanding that this is a typical progression. Your situation is textbook. It sounds to me as if she were victimized at a fairly young age, grade school most likely. Her sexual history sounds to me inconsistent with a teen rape victim, though CSA victims sometimes find themselves also rape victims as teens.
None of us are qualified to actually diagnose her, but this is how it reads to me.
Nothing is going to get better unless and until she deals with her childhood abuse. She needs a good therapist who specializes in child sex abuse. You can't be her therapist. At best, with the direction of her therapist, you can be a support to her.
You are a Secondary Survivor of Child Sex Abuse. She is the victim or the Survivor. You are the Secondary, meaning you are enjoying the fallout. And this is a terrible place to be. You have to tread very carefully in discussing the entire topic of CSA with her. Many times the victim believes they are ultimately unloveable because of the abuse. This is why they hide it. Perhaps a parent or other adult knew of the abuse and told her to stfu because nobody would believe her, or that she would be ostracized if people knew she were a dirty girl. Such events may be more damaging to the young child than the actual abuse events themselves. Anyhow, you and I know she is a victim of a crime, and is not dirty or unloveable, but she may not. So, she fears anyone finding out about the abuse.
Additionally, she cannot distinguish between the abuse itself and the long term effects it has on her. She is unhappy and feeling anxious at times, and she has behaviors which harm the marriage and upset you. To admit she has these issues may be in her mind the same as admitting she was at fault for the abuse (which makes her in her mind a dirty unloveable person if she was at fault for the abuse). So, to admit she has issues today could be a very frightening thing to her. She may not even cognitively understand it, but she may fear if she admits to deficiencies as a wife then you may see her as dirty and unloveable.
Remember she most likely experienced whatever abuse as a young child, not an adult or even a teen. So she has encoded it as a child would. Some say the child never matures emotionally from the time of the abuse. Idk if I fully agree with it, but I think it is accurate to say she doesn't have the same perspective or ability to evaluate it as non victims do.