My Bed Started Walking - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 08:13 PM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Please read thor's threads and posts. He dropped it, accepted and lived in a poor marriage for years, she filed.
I went through that same loop several times, thinking she was on board but then discovering yet another lie or deception. I tried to fix the marriage because of the kids. We were obviously done and she decided to pull the plug when it would protect her self image, using a situation to convince herself she was the good guy and me the perp. I had been talking to a trusted advisor on my phone in the house the week before, saying that I had lost hope and was trying to decide when to tell her I wanted a divorce. I wonder if she had a VAR planted in the house given the timing and how she told me.

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Your post about CSA may well be the truth. I have not read any threads where reconciliation was successful once the CSA victim went down the path of adultery. There is one thread that is some what current on the board now, but he did not have a sexless marriage.
I know a couple of cases IRL. But I don't think the outcome is all that good for them. More of a least-worst outcome financially and socially. But R is frequently not very satisfactory regardless of CSA.

CSA is one of the top 3 risk factors correlated to a woman cheating. There can be much dysfunction involved in all aspects of relationships with a CSA victim.

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post #32 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 09:15 PM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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I appreciate all the replies. Someone asked me to expound more about the sexless marriage. When we started dating in Dec '06, we had a great sex life, in fact I've rarely had anyone as sexual as she. Gorgeous, eleven years younger than me, and with the sex drive of a man was a recipe I enjoyed. Then it happened, I proposed. She started turning me down more and more throughout the year long engagement and by the time we tied the knot we were mostly celibate. She always had an excuse and judging by the way things where in that area prior to our getting married, I figured things had to return to the way they were when we met at some point? She eventually tells me she has no sex drive and blames it on hormones. She initially didn't want to go see a doctor so getting her to do that took a while. Once she went to a doctor and went through testing and such, she was diagnosed with PCOS. I think that might be part of it, but the other issue is there's extensive abuse in her past. Definitely emotional and more than likely sexual. She can't recall any of her childhood however has admitted to remembering bits and pieces of sexual abuse. She says she doesn't remember who or what the circumstance or at what age. I have read and confirmed with a couple of different therapist that women who are sexual abuse survivors, that once they get married, sex becomes a struggle. The survivor sees her husband as the one whom abused her, and so intimacy, both sexual and emotional goes out the window. Once I read this and talk to a couple of therapist I know, it all made sense. My company provides free counseling through our EAP so I have called and got that set up yet she will not go. I don't think she's being rebellious, just is terrified of opening up. This is the same person who when the two of us went to premarital counseling, started crying just walking in the door. It is very very painful for her to talk about anything deep. So my beliefs are that she has a sex drive, had had a sex drive, yet just nothing for me. And believe me I've done everything I can on my end. Interestingly enough, since she and I had our talk which spawned my writing all of this, we have slept together several times, basically every day. This hasn't happened in years. I'm not sure what to make of it. I do have some precautions in place at home now that I'm staring a new trip for work this evening. Does anyone know the specifics of FB Messenger? Like is it possible to put spy ware on her phone that can monitor those messages without jail breaking her phone (android)?? Once again, I appreciate the info and support from you all.


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Based on this post alone, you knew you had problems long before your bed "moved".

Why did it take this incident to get you to seek help?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #33 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 09:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Based on this post alone, you knew you had problems long before your bed "moved".

Why did it take this incident to get you to seek help?


I suppose "seeking help" is relative to each specific person. As far as getting opinions on here, i don't have a lot of people in my close social network that I care knowing about this right now. So getting opinions on here seemingly works for now. Over the past seven years of our marriage I've spoken with numerous friends and several counselors about issues that came up. This medium is just a different angle if that answers your question.


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post #34 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 09:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Any kids?


None


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post #35 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 09:49 PM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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None


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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #36 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 10:52 PM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

Want to say that I am sorry that you are here. Also I have an old maple sleigh bed and the only time that it moves is when I am trying to get a gf to tap out. I would say that you are 100% right on your hunch. Now you can use VAR's and key loggers to get proof but why? Do you really want to hear someone else making the bed move with her in it? Do you really need to see the body that bad? With the drugs and other stuff what does she really bring to your life? Sounds to me that it is long past time to pop smoke and leave her to do her thing while you find happiness.
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post #37 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 10:52 PM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Oh, that Gus! Always giving the possibly Wayward Spouse the benefit of the doubt.
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post #38 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 11:27 PM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Oh, that Gus! Always giving the possibly Wayward Spouse the benefit of the doubt.
If it quacks...

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #39 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 11:32 PM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

It's a little off-topic, but I can't look at the title of this thread without hearing Nancy Sinatra in my head.
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post #40 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:13 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

@jetpilot37

Captain, I sent you a private message. Please read it.

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post #41 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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It's a little off-topic, but I can't look at the title of this thread without hearing Nancy Sinatra in my head.
Great, thanks for the ear worm.

Weightlifters Standard Evidence Thread

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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #42 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Interestingly enough, since she and I had our talk which spawned my writing all of this, we have slept together several times, basically every day. This hasn't happened in years. I'm not sure what to make of it.
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Cheating spouses use sex to manipulate the betrayed spouse when questions related to cheating start to come up. After all, she can not be cheating if she is having sex with you. Can she?

So you make a comment that shows her you suspect something, then suddenly your sex life goes to overdrive. Something that has not happened in years. Not a coincidence. She thinks she can eliminate your suspicions with sex. But what it really does is confirm your suspicions.

You should also consider that now that she knows that you suspect something, she will switch tactics as in finding another place for her extracurricular activities. A couple of VARs around the house is still not a bad idea if you have to have solid proof before you bale.
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post #43 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

From what you have told us I would say the chances are high she has been having company over while you are gone.

Hide a VAR and maybe even a couple of mini-cams around the bedroom and living room while you are gone. Or hire a PI to stake out the house while you are away. A good PI is worth the money.
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post #44 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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From what you have told us I would say the chances are high she has been having company over while you are gone.

Hide a VAR and maybe even a couple of mini-cams around the bedroom and living room while you are gone. Or hire a PI to stake out the house while you are away. A good PI is worth the money.
I would invest in a good GPS tracker for her car. Maybe even hiring a PI firm to track that for you while you are gone so they can deploy to a bar, or private residence if she shows up there.

Definitely a VAR in the car.

PIs are good, but I would not concentrate on the house only.

She now knows he is suspicious because of the "walking bed" comment. She may change tactics totally. Even stopping for a while if she is not in "love" with another man.

Worst case is that she is just having "fun sex" while you are gone and not a full time affair. This will be hard to catch.
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post #45 of 140 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

The fact that a healthy, beautiful woman would stop having sex with her much older husband soon after marriage speaks to me of a gold digger who married for money and who could care less for her husband.

Sorry, but that is just the way I see it. All the other empirical evidence just falls into place right after this. She got comfortable with what she was doing, got sloppy, and forgot to re-position the bed after having company over.
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