My Bed Started Walking - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:20 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

@Uptown.

Jetpilot, it is not uncommon for those who were victims of CSA to shut off the spigot once they get married. In their subconscious minds, when you become married, you are no longer safe. This is especially true when the abuser was a family member.


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post #122 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Any suggestions on how to stop the constant obsessive thoughts of the two of them together?? Unfortunately, I asked for very specific sexual details. So there's that going around in my head, plus the fact that she refused to work on any kind of sex life with us, yet turns around and gives it to someone else. The humiliation that I have experienced over this is unimaginable. Any thoughts or suggestions would be great. I just want the ****ty committee to **** up.


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Time. Time is the best answer. You have to understand that it was never you. It is all on her. You could have been the best damn husband and F'ed like a porn star and this still would have happened. It's time to take her off that pedestal that she never belonged on in the first place. You need to find the humor in the fact that she had a $1mil and pissed it all away over a penny.


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post #123 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:23 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
i use to hear that marrying a pilot was not a good thing to do as they were likely to cheat with all the young attractive flesh around them on flights all over the place (air hostesses)!
Have you flown lately? The last few times I have there was no young flesh around. Sure they looked nice but it was just bondo and fresh paint. If you looked a little harder you could tell that had been around the block a few times to many.


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post #124 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:29 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Originally Posted by jetpilot37 View Post
Any suggestions on how to stop the constant obsessive thoughts of the two of them together?? Unfortunately, I asked for very specific sexual details. So there's that going around in my head, plus the fact that she refused to work on any kind of sex life with us, yet turns around and gives it to someone else. The humiliation that I have experienced over this is unimaginable. Any thoughts or suggestions would be great. I just want the ****ty committee to **** up.


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Get into counseling with a PTSD specialist. As s pilot you should have access to some good ones. Inquire about EMDR therapy. From what I have read it is extremely effective in the treatment of trauma. So ask about that and give it a try.

Like others have said, start retraining your brain. You got royally played by a seasoned user and gold digger. She was never who you thought she was. Make sure her family and yours are fully informed as to what she did.

Other than that, you just have to push through it. Your psyche and body must process the pain, so just let it process. Let go of the control. You cannot control your healing. All you can do is eat right, exercise, get as much sleep as you can and go to therapy. It's all you can do.
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post #125 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:32 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Have you flown lately? The last few times I have there was no young flesh around. Sure they looked nice but it was just bondo and fresh paint. If you looked a little harder you could tell that had been around the block a few times to many.
I'm convinced United Airlines recruits its attendants from rest homes.
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post #126 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
@Uptown.

Jetpilot, it is not uncommon for those who were victims of CSA to shut off the spigot once they get married. In their subconscious minds, when you become married, you are no longer safe. This is especially true when the abuser was a family member.
QFT

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post #127 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

Quote:
Originally Posted by jetpilot37 View Post
Any suggestions on how to stop the constant obsessive thoughts of the two of them together?? Unfortunately, I asked for very specific sexual details. So there's that going around in my head, plus the fact that she refused to work on any kind of sex life with us, yet turns around and gives it to someone else. The humiliation that I have experienced over this is unimaginable. Any thoughts or suggestions would be great. I just want the ****ty committee to **** up.


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I can see that my decision to not ask for any details of my wife's affair was the right one.

However, there is an NLP technique that you can employ.

Whenever you see a mind movie of them having sex imagine them doing it to this music:-


That technique helped cure my long standing fear of spiders, incidentally.

You can use other humorous tunes if you wish.

These links might also be of help

http://vencergt.com/wp-content/uploa...er_Learned.pdf

How to: Use Basic NLP Techniques in Daily Life

The NLP Secret - NLP techniques explained


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post #128 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:53 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

@Farsidejunky, thanks for the callout.

Quote:
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I think [PCOS] may be part of it, but the other issue is there's extensive abuse in her past. Definitely emotional and more than likely sexual. She can't recall any of her childhood however has admitted to remembering bits and pieces of sexual abuse. She says she doesn't remember who or what the circumstance or at what age.
Jetpilot, I agree with you and @Farsidejunky that the sexual and emotional abuse may be largely responsible, particularly if it occurred in early childhood. Granted, most abused children do not develop a full-blown personality disorder. Yet, childhood abuse -- especially sexual abuse done by a family member -- greatly raises the risk for developing a PD.

The PD most strongly associated with childhood sexual abuse is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See BPD and Childhood Sexual Abuse and the study, Child Sex Abuse and BPD. Also see Sexual Abuse and Psychiatric Disorders and the study, Psychological Consequences of Sexual Abuse.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Farside, @JohnA, @MattMatt and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although these behavioral symptoms are easy to spot when you're living with the person, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid staying in a toxic marriage and, after the divorce, avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

As Farside notes, it is common for sexual activity to off a cliff right after the marriage -- if not right after the engagement -- whenever the spouse suffered sexual abuse in childhood. My exW, for example, had been sexually abused by her own father for years in childhood and she developed strong and persistent BPD traits.
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post #129 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

In the end don't get stuck on the why's. She is what she is and she did what she did. Your first responsibility is to protect yourself, not to make her well.
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post #130 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

@Uptown my wife is a CSA survivor.

One of her male relatives was mysteriously attacked and mugged by an unknown assailant with a Stanley Knife. At least, that's how he explained the cut wounds to his face, hands and arms. By coincidence the sex assaults stopped at about the same time.



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post #131 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

Quote:
Originally Posted by jetpilot37 View Post
Any suggestions on how to stop the constant obsessive thoughts of the two of them together?? Unfortunately, I asked for very specific sexual details. So there's that going around in my head, plus the fact that she refused to work on any kind of sex life with us, yet turns around and gives it to someone else. The humiliation that I have experienced over this is unimaginable. Any thoughts or suggestions would be great. I just want the ****ty committee to **** up.


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If you read a lot of threads here, you will see this typical of women that were sexually abused while growing up.
They are probably into sex before marriage but gradually grow resentful to their husband and end up cutting back more and more. It's shocking how common that is here. Some can get psychiatric help but it takes a lot of therapy. They cheat because they get attention and they haven't yet projected their abuse onto their new partner.


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post #132 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

As far as the man me movires, I think it was Morituri that said imagine them dressed as clowns. Other folks tried it and said it works lol.


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post #133 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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Originally Posted by Blacksmith01 View Post
Time. Time is the best answer. You have to understand that it was never you. It is all on her. You could have been the best damn husband and F'ed like a porn star and this still would have happened. It's time to take her off that pedestal that she never belonged on in the first place. You need to find the humor in the fact that she had a $1mil and pissed it all away over a penny.


Wow! Thank you so much Blacksmith. I needed a little mental lift this morning. Thank you.


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post #134 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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As far as the man me movires, I think it was Morituri that said imagine them dressed as clowns. Other folks tried it and said it works lol.


I'll try anything thanks.


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post #135 of 143 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: My Bed Started Walking

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As far as the man me movires, I think it was Morituri that said imagine them dressed as clowns. Other folks tried it and said it works lol.
Because Morituri had seen a counsellor who helped his patients with some NLP techniques. We talked about it at the time.

The amount of people who have been damaged by CSA is horrible.

There was even a female member who was a cheater who denied that she had been a victim of CSA. But then later came back with, "unless you count what my cousin did to me."

It transpired that she, too, had been a victim of CSA.

Not every victim of CSA becomes a cheater, of course.

But the wickedness that people do lives on long, long after they are dead.


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