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My Bed Started Walking

59K views 142 replies 52 participants last post by  bandit.45 
#1 ·
I fly for an airline and am gone three or four days at a time and home three or four days at a time. I've had suspicions For quite some time that my wife was screwing around, nothing concrete, she's very good at covering her tracks. A few years ago I suspected a sexual affair with an older male coworker. She was deleting tons of text from him, started kissing me differently during sex, when we had it, and just acted different. She has a history of "sexting" men when she was younger that I discovered was going on before we wed 7 years ago. I also discovered just after getting married that she's been hiding a cocaine problem from me. She did go to treatment and was clean for several years, but I also suspect she uses prescription speed now periodically. This started around the time the suspected affair was going on with the male coworker. Her MO revolves around social media. I've noticed when I'm gone she is up late on FB Messenger, but when I'm home she's not on there as much. There just never has been any profound "this is it" discovery where I know for sure. I do need to get this off my chest and see if what I'm thinking regarding the following situation makes any logical sense? About eight months ago, I came home from a three day trip was doing some vacuuming in our bedroom. I noticed that our mahogany sleigh bed had moved six or 7 inches off of the wall. I asked my wife about this yet she denied knowing the cause. In fact, it's sort of became a running joke between us that our house was haunted or something. We have a mostly sexless marriage, and I won't go into the details with all that but only bring it up to say we rarely have sex. As soon as I got serious about marrying her, she started pushing me away. Two nights ago we had a long talk about our relationship-really breaking through some territory that needed to be talked about and we both felt better about things. One thing led to another And we had very passionate, very "enthusiastic" kind of sex. Like we did when we first met ten years ago. We both agreed we haven't had sex like this in many years. Later that evening, it dawned on me to see if this action caused our bed to move. For the last eight months I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what could cause this other than her having sex with someone while I was away. Went to the bedroom and sure enough the bed had moved yet another 6 inches off of the wall. In 8 months time the only activity that has caused the bed to memic what it had done previously was our sex that night. For the life of me or should I say for the life of my marriage, I can't think of another cause to make that bed move like that. Any ideas? Am I thinking about this too much? Is this a smoking gun that one would feel comfortable throwing the towel in on? I know everyone on here sees lots of these post, and I just want to say thank you in advance for any light one could shed on a very difficult time in my life.


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#3 ·
Purchase:
Voice Activated Recorder
Maybe Hidden Camera (some come in clock designs)

Time for you to turn to jetpilot007, if you get my meaning.

Check cellphone if you can for texts. Or check phone bill to see who is being called. Place keyloggers on the computer if that's where she accesses Facebook from. Full spy mode!
 
#8 ·
Went to the bedroom and sure enough the bed had moved yet another 6 inches off of the wall. In 8 months time the only activity that has caused the bed to mimic what it had done previously was our sex that night.
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God, I love your title !!!!

Of all the hotels that I have stayed in, and all the bed creaking and banging noises that my sensitive ears have picked up "there", this has to be the cause! Good eye, good deduction!

Someone might have moved it to flip a mattress or dust under the bed, or paint the bedroom. But, she helped not, your prurient imagination.

I think you spoke too soon. The bed thumping will be shifted to another soft horizontal plane. She now knows...you are curious George. She will be cagey, from henceforth, in time.

You need to place a camera outside both doors of your house. The kind of animal/hunting "trail' cameras that Cabella's sells. They are motion sensitive and take a series of pictures.

You need to find out what "Ghost of Christmas past" visits your wife in your absence.

I suspect the sex that she denies you is being offered to a short tailed, hairless POSOM from a dark woods. He has entered her furry burrow and taken her by night and by storm. She invited him in.

This often is the price and the meager ration of Celibacy. Such that, if a man or a women be denied intimacy by their betrothed, they will eventually seek it elsewhere.

Lack of intimacy... is a vacuum. A vacuum seeking warm flesh and respite from ambient and willing, peripheral bounders and carpet baggers.
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This is speculation. You need to prove your case. Check all her communication devices, her phone records. Put a VAR in her car. Check for messaging apps on her computer. Use "Locate Phone App" if she is using an Apple IPHONE. You can see where she is at all times if you set her phone up and install her on ICloud.
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Tell us about the lack of sex in your marriage. Why is this?
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#10 ·
Jet Pilot,

If you are smart enough to fly a plane full of passengers, you are too smart to not know that a bed does not move on its own. Now add that to you stating that you and wife rarely have sex, and someone with half your IQ would know either your wife does not like sex or she is getting it elsewhere with you travelliung so much.

Now add in the FB peculiarities ,and my guess is your reason for coming here is 100% spot on.

Take the advice. Buy a good VAR and put it in her car, or buy two and put one where your computer is or where she spends most of her time at home and you will get your answers quickly. And get your cell records if you have a family plan.

With her history with co workers, I would start there in looking for OM.

Do not confront her yet.
 
#14 ·
OP, you already know the answer sweetheart.
You have gotten some good suggestions, and they will most likely get you the concrete answers you are looking for. My guess is a PI for one of the partial weeks you are gone would give you what you need.

I would not recommend banging that, since I'm convinced your not the only visitor to that well. Be careful.
@SunCMars...the FIRST thing that popped into my mind when I saw the thread title was you! I kid you not!
 
#17 ·
OMG my friend, that came out all wrong, or only made sense in my head! That's not remotely what I meant! So sorry!

The unique title! I thought, "Oh that's a clever title, sounds like something SCM would come up with." Then I get down and there's a post from you and your opening line is that you love the title. :x

I love reading all your posts. So intriguing. I had a friend that you remind me of that has passed away, and he was so awesome with words. I loved to listen to him talk. No insult given, in fact, I can't recall ever disagreeing with you!
 
#18 ·
jetpilot, welcome aboard! I'm an airline captain fwiw. I've heard more stories of cheating pilot's wives than I care to think about. It is an epidemic.

First thing, stfu about any suspicions with your wife. And try to just stfu about everything until you've thought about it for a few moments at least. Let me tell you a story...

Years ago I suspected my wife (now ex-wife) was cheating. Kids were teens, I wasn't ready to nuke the marriage, and besides I hadn't been to TAM and didn't know about Weightlifter's thread on gathering intel. Lots of smoking guns, blood all over, but no dead body. So, I was not ready to file for divorce. Then, the trail went cold. I approached her about MC and tried talking with her about fixing the marriage. It appeared the affair was finished, if there'd been one.

So there we were, waiting for a flight for the big family vacation, killing time looking at my old, weak, smart phone. And I discovered a hidden mail folder. She had the same make/model phone, too. And I spontaneously blurted out what I'd discovered. Hundreds and hundreds of old emails going back several years. As the words were halfway out of my mouth I tried but failed to think of a way to change the sentence to keep from telling her this, so that I could later look at the emails she'd cleansed from her computer. Well, she suddenly glued her phone inside her pocket until late night after I'd gone to sleep, and she manually erased about 700 old emails. There was no bulk delete function. She spent several hours deleting them out while I slept.

I lost any chance of accessing her old emails by blurting something out without thinking. So be careful in what you say for the next few weeks while you investigate.

Consider installing a video camera built into a clock radio, smoke detector, or other gadget she won't suspect. They make VARs that look like a pen (and do write). If I were you, I'd carefully hide a VAR in your bedroom. Also in the living room or other area she would likely sit and talk on the phone. One in her car. Hide them well, because she may now be cautious given your observation of the bed moving.

Carefully search her car. All the cubbies and compartments, including spare tire, etc. You're looking for anything odd. Review the phone records carefully, going back at least a year. Changes in patterns may pop out. Review credit card records. Put a GPS on her car.

Another thought is to just end the marriage. It obviously has serious problems. Perhaps you would both be happier if you just split. If you live in a no-fault state it may be easier just to pull the eject handle rather than go looking for an affair. Talk to an atty first. Most will give a free 15-30 minute consult where you can find out how things work where you live.
 
#23 ·
Hey Thor, thanks for the reply. So what happened if I may ask? Was that the final straw as far as seeing her deleting those emails? Yes, it's quite the epidemic with our industry. I have several friends who have gone through the same BS.


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#21 ·
Does she use the space under the bed for storage? If she isn't using under the bed totes or something similar, does she maybe stash her vibrator and dildo collection there? Does she maybe have a sock with her "emergency fund" hidden in the box spring?

If there's nothing stored or hidden under the bed, I'd go with perhaps she is having enthusiastic sex with someone while you're away.
 
#24 ·
Yeah, there's nothing under there. I'm the one that does most of the cleaning so I vacuum under our bed -we have stained cement floors and I would've seen something along those lines. She's a sharp person. And I'm frankly surprised she slipped up like this. She is a fraud investigator for an insurance company, doesn't miss anything. Has an eye like I've never seen for detail. I don't think it's been recent, as far as any activity with her and someone else, I just noticed the bed moved this one occasion. Of course now she will be very diligent about that. Thanks for your help.


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#22 ·
I appreciate all the replies. Someone asked me to expound more about the sexless marriage. When we started dating in Dec '06, we had a great sex life, in fact I've rarely had anyone as sexual as she. Gorgeous, eleven years younger than me, and with the sex drive of a man was a recipe I enjoyed. Then it happened, I proposed. She started turning me down more and more throughout the year long engagement and by the time we tied the knot we were mostly celibate. She always had an excuse and judging by the way things where in that area prior to our getting married, I figured things had to return to the way they were when we met at some point? She eventually tells me she has no sex drive and blames it on hormones. She initially didn't want to go see a doctor so getting her to do that took a while. Once she went to a doctor and went through testing and such, she was diagnosed with PCOS. I think that might be part of it, but the other issue is there's extensive abuse in her past. Definitely emotional and more than likely sexual. She can't recall any of her childhood however has admitted to remembering bits and pieces of sexual abuse. She says she doesn't remember who or what the circumstance or at what age. I have read and confirmed with a couple of different therapist that women who are sexual abuse survivors, that once they get married, sex becomes a struggle. The survivor sees her husband as the one whom abused her, and so intimacy, both sexual and emotional goes out the window. Once I read this and talk to a couple of therapist I know, it all made sense. My company provides free counseling through our EAP so I have called and got that set up yet she will not go. I don't think she's being rebellious, just is terrified of opening up. This is the same person who when the two of us went to premarital counseling, started crying just walking in the door. It is very very painful for her to talk about anything deep. So my beliefs are that she has a sex drive, had had a sex drive, yet just nothing for me. And believe me I've done everything I can on my end. Interestingly enough, since she and I had our talk which spawned my writing all of this, we have slept together several times, basically every day. This hasn't happened in years. I'm not sure what to make of it. I do have some precautions in place at home now that I'm staring a new trip for work this evening. Does anyone know the specifics of FB Messenger? Like is it possible to put spy ware on her phone that can monitor those messages without jail breaking her phone (android)?? Once again, I appreciate the info and support from you all.


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#29 · (Edited)
When we started dating in Dec '06, we had a great sex life, in fact I've rarely had anyone as sexual as she. Gorgeous, eleven years younger than me, and with the sex drive of a man was a recipe I enjoyed. Then it happened, I proposed. She started turning me down more and more throughout the year long engagement and by the time we tied the knot we were mostly celibate. She always had an excuse and judging by the way things where in that area prior to our getting married, I figured things had to return to the way they were when we met at some point? She eventually tells me she has no sex drive and blames it on hormones. She initially didn't want to go see a doctor so getting her to do that took a while. Once she went to a doctor and went through testing and such, she was diagnosed with PCOS. I think that might be part of it, but the other issue is there's extensive abuse in her past. Definitely emotional and more than likely sexual. She can't recall any of her childhood however has admitted to remembering bits and pieces of sexual abuse. She says she doesn't remember who or what the circumstance or at what age. I have read and confirmed with a couple of different therapist that women who are sexual abuse survivors, that once they get married, sex becomes a struggle. The survivor sees her husband as the one whom abused her, and so intimacy, both sexual and emotional goes out the window. Once I read this and talk to a couple of therapist I know, it all made sense. My company provides free counseling through our EAP so I have called and got that set up yet she will not go. I don't think she's being rebellious, just is terrified of opening up. This is the same person who when the two of us went to premarital counseling, started crying just walking in the door. It is very very painful for her to talk about anything deep. So my beliefs are that she has a sex drive, had had a sex drive, yet just nothing for me. And believe me I've done everything I can on my end. Interestingly enough, since she and I had our talk which spawned my writing all of this, we have slept together several times, basically every day. This hasn't happened in years. I'm not sure what to make of it. I do have some precautions in place at home now that I'm staring a new trip for work this evening. Does anyone know the specifics of FB Messenger? Like is it possible to put spy ware on her phone that can monitor those messages without jail breaking her phone (android)?? Once again, I appreciate the info and support from you all.
By the time I got to the line about her having childhood abuse it was obvious that was going to be the situation. You have a good general understanding that this is a typical progression. Your situation is textbook. It sounds to me as if she were victimized at a fairly young age, grade school most likely. Her sexual history sounds to me inconsistent with a teen rape victim, though CSA victims sometimes find themselves also rape victims as teens.

None of us are qualified to actually diagnose her, but this is how it reads to me.

Nothing is going to get better unless and until she deals with her childhood abuse. She needs a good therapist who specializes in child sex abuse. You can't be her therapist. At best, with the direction of her therapist, you can be a support to her.

You are a Secondary Survivor of Child Sex Abuse. She is the victim or the Survivor. You are the Secondary, meaning you are enjoying the fallout. And this is a terrible place to be. You have to tread very carefully in discussing the entire topic of CSA with her. Many times the victim believes they are ultimately unloveable because of the abuse. This is why they hide it. Perhaps a parent or other adult knew of the abuse and told her to stfu because nobody would believe her, or that she would be ostracized if people knew she were a dirty girl. Such events may be more damaging to the young child than the actual abuse events themselves. Anyhow, you and I know she is a victim of a crime, and is not dirty or unloveable, but she may not. So, she fears anyone finding out about the abuse.

Additionally, she cannot distinguish between the abuse itself and the long term effects it has on her. She is unhappy and feeling anxious at times, and she has behaviors which harm the marriage and upset you. To admit she has these issues may be in her mind the same as admitting she was at fault for the abuse (which makes her in her mind a dirty unloveable person if she was at fault for the abuse). So, to admit she has issues today could be a very frightening thing to her. She may not even cognitively understand it, but she may fear if she admits to deficiencies as a wife then you may see her as dirty and unloveable.

Remember she most likely experienced whatever abuse as a young child, not an adult or even a teen. So she has encoded it as a child would. Some say the child never matures emotionally from the time of the abuse. Idk if I fully agree with it, but I think it is accurate to say she doesn't have the same perspective or ability to evaluate it as non victims do.
 
#27 ·
jp37

Noting that your wife is “very good at covering her tracks”, as per Spicy’s recommendation, I also suggest you consider hiring a professional such as a PI, the next time you are away from home. A PI can setup a surveillance, follow your wife, provide advice on placement of VARS, etc.

A common error is confronting a wayward spouse too soon with insufficient evidence. A not unusual result is the wayward spouse denning, deflecting, turning the table, etc. resulting in the betrayed spouse backing down. Before you confront, you want to be in the position of asking questions you already know the answers to.

If this affair is still ongoing, particularly if your wife is bringing the other man in your home, the PI’s report and other discovery actions will likely provide the required evidence in a relatively short period of time.

In the interim, it is important you act like “life is normal” so that you wife does not become suspicious that you may be aware; thus, resulting in her in doubling down in “covering her tracks”.

Joe 75
 
#28 ·
Please read thor's threads and posts. He dropped it, accepted and lived in a poor marriage for years, she filed.

Your post about CSA may well be the truth. I have not read any threads where reconciliation was successful once the CSA victim went down the path of adultery. There is one thread that is some what current on the board now, but he did not have a sexless marriage.
@JayOwen I believe is his user name. He has made the decision to work on reconciliation. A decision I respect and support as he is fully aware of the pitfalls ahead and has a solid exit plan in mind if unsuccessful.
 
#31 ·
Please read thor's threads and posts. He dropped it, accepted and lived in a poor marriage for years, she filed.
I went through that same loop several times, thinking she was on board but then discovering yet another lie or deception. I tried to fix the marriage because of the kids. We were obviously done and she decided to pull the plug when it would protect her self image, using a situation to convince herself she was the good guy and me the perp. I had been talking to a trusted advisor on my phone in the house the week before, saying that I had lost hope and was trying to decide when to tell her I wanted a divorce. I wonder if she had a VAR planted in the house given the timing and how she told me.

Your post about CSA may well be the truth. I have not read any threads where reconciliation was successful once the CSA victim went down the path of adultery. There is one thread that is some what current on the board now, but he did not have a sexless marriage.
I know a couple of cases IRL. But I don't think the outcome is all that good for them. More of a least-worst outcome financially and socially. But R is frequently not very satisfactory regardless of CSA.

CSA is one of the top 3 risk factors correlated to a woman cheating. There can be much dysfunction involved in all aspects of relationships with a CSA victim.
 
#36 ·
Want to say that I am sorry that you are here. Also I have an old maple sleigh bed and the only time that it moves is when I am trying to get a gf to tap out. I would say that you are 100% right on your hunch. Now you can use VAR's and key loggers to get proof but why? Do you really want to hear someone else making the bed move with her in it? Do you really need to see the body that bad? With the drugs and other stuff what does she really bring to your life? Sounds to me that it is long past time to pop smoke and leave her to do her thing while you find happiness.
 
#48 ·
Want to say that I am sorry that you are here. Also I have an old maple sleigh bed and the only time that it moves is when I am trying to get a gf to tap out. I would say that you are 100% right on your hunch. Now you can use VAR's and key loggers to get proof but why? Do you really want to hear someone else making the bed move with her in it? Do you really need to see the body that bad? With the drugs and other stuff what does she really bring to your life? Sounds to me that it is long past time to pop smoke and leave her to do her thing while you find happiness.
Pop smoke....that triggers me timbers, run for the cover that up-range lead.. not find.

Pop smoke........your co-pilot, en Casa, is doing that.....

What is she hiding?
 
#43 ·
From what you have told us I would say the chances are high she has been having company over while you are gone.

Hide a VAR and maybe even a couple of mini-cams around the bedroom and living room while you are gone. Or hire a PI to stake out the house while you are away. A good PI is worth the money.
 
#44 ·
I would invest in a good GPS tracker for her car. Maybe even hiring a PI firm to track that for you while you are gone so they can deploy to a bar, or private residence if she shows up there.

Definitely a VAR in the car.

PIs are good, but I would not concentrate on the house only.

She now knows he is suspicious because of the "walking bed" comment. She may change tactics totally. Even stopping for a while if she is not in "love" with another man.

Worst case is that she is just having "fun sex" while you are gone and not a full time affair. This will be hard to catch.
 
#45 ·
The fact that a healthy, beautiful woman would stop having sex with her much older husband soon after marriage speaks to me of a gold digger who married for money and who could care less for her husband.

Sorry, but that is just the way I see it. All the other empirical evidence just falls into place right after this. She got comfortable with what she was doing, got sloppy, and forgot to re-position the bed after having company over.
 
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