strugglinghusband

History, wife and I married 12 years, me 44 her 37. this goes back about 2 years now, rumors started about wife and her cowoker from a company party that i did not attend (red flag 1) we never fully addressed them. Last summer she started wearing diff clothes to work,sexy undies, tanning (red flag 2) got on her about it and she quit wearing them.
Same summer I went to move her cell phone off some papers and she freaked out and grabbed phone (red flag 3), this past fall she started emotionaly detaching from me (red flag4) and then the sex life started to dewindle to nothing (red flag 5).

I started into super paranoid investagator mode, asked her sevreal time over this past summer whats up, why are we drifting apart is there some one else?, got a no to that and its just a pahse were going thru and shes just not happy dosent know who she is or want she wants in life (red flag 6)

this past september, come in from outside and shes on computer and see's me and closes the lap top real quick, deer in the head lights look (red flag 7)...later that day i ask her were you emailing some guy and she says no just wired out from to much coffee.

So I install keylogger 2 weeks later and BAM, there its is, email to coworker saying she will be coiming in late, the reason why had to drop her dad off somewhere 1st and at the end saying "miss you and cant wait to see you" and his reply back was "dont worry about it, its ok, your dads whats important...

Yeah I know with all of the red flags she should have looked like a damn procupine..lol

The night before confrontation day, I tell her I got a call about her and her coworker, that something is up, and also ask was she emailing him and would she mind if I looked thru her emails? she replied that yes she did email him about something few weeks ago and I could look at her emails but it woul be like I was controlling and she had nothing to hide.the next morning (she still didnt know i had the emails already) she goes in and deltes them all and sets up her account so delted emails can not be reviewed.

So on confrotation-day, I confront, all tuff and **** at the begining and then fall apart like a little girl,crying,begging the whole sicking nine yards (Fail 1) I look back now, like who the hell was that guy? she swears it was just an e/a and not a very strong one, just close friends and we agree to work thru it, she will only have work contact, no in the room alone etc etc (yeah ok)

I did not demand she quit her job, and go no contact (fail 2)
did not get all the details, disclosure (fail 3)
did not contact OMW, let her talk me outta it because it would hurt his wife (fail 4)
make her own her **** (fail 5)
took a lot of the blame for my past **** and blamed myself for the affair (fail 6)

So we have bad days and good days over the last 3 months, tried mc, was a joke, i'm in ic (good for me) read evrything under the sun, LL, HNHN,man up, no mr nice guy,180, all kinds of posts in here all good for me, taught me to be a better me for me, started working out, great stress relevier, getting buffed..lol
talked her into ic as well. started to man up and shes noticed or so I thought...

last night out got soething to eat had a few beers, and the guy who originally called me about the rumors 2 years ago is there, (his wife and mine work at the same place) we start talking and he tells me that POS is getting divorced or is divorced, i ask when did this happen? and he says this past summer, i play it off real cool and leave after a bit.
Get home and the wife says whats wrong and I say " when were you gonna tell me that POS OM got divorced?" her reply was he's not divorced thier seperated....I was like really i wonder why?, pack your **** and get out of my house!( I wasnt mad, voice was not raised, I was as cool as a cucumber, no emotion at all) then she said you cant make me leave this is my house too...So I start laughing a little bit because it was actually funny and say "really just leave I'm done because if you want to stay here thats fine but theres no way in hell I'm leaving" and i walk in the bedroom, she follows me and says he did not leave his wife because of me,were are not and were not having an affair, then I say 'Oh really, I should believe you because youve been so truthfull with me all along, i should just take it on faith, sorry but no, and I can understand the why's it happened etc, but the part that you lied to me over and over before discovery day is was kills me, that anything you say now i cant believe".( you should have seen how far her jaw dropped, i could have driven my truck into it)

so she continues to tell me that OMW has a B/F, and I say "really, let me guess a coworker?" (another jaw dropper) she said she was stupid for not telling me and was afraid that i would take it wrong....ummm do you think?... and then I say what about the romurs from 2 years ago, you knew about them before I did, you should have told me 1st, before i heard 2 months later from a buddy..you shhould have told me about thier seperation also.

I told her now I understand while all 3 times,I asked you about me talking with the OMW, (yeah another fail talking to her about contacting OMW) you told me each and everytime, why would you want to hurt someone else just because your in pain and your not mean and vindictive like that...and why would she care if her husband is seeing someone else, she has a B/F why would she care? ( another jaw dropper)
Talked to her about my past **** and I owned it, and its part of the reason why we are where were at, but that I will not take accountability for her lies/deciet and her e/a, i did not make her do those things and shes got own her **** too.

The whole thing was sureal, it was almost like i was standing there watching myself, again I was so amazzed that I wasnt showing any emotion to any of it, just talking cool and collective thoughts (maned up, NMMNG. Alpha male?) I was and am so proud of myself!!!!

So we wound up having sex/making love ( 3minute marathon, I know the ladies reading this will be like wow,3 whole minutes, he's a stud..lol..kidding on that one) and then we went to sleep.
so this morning we talk somemore and I tell her that I'm not sure if i even want to try any more, lets just smile thru the holidays (Kid is coming home for the holidays) and also asked her why should I stay? what are you willing to do to keep me? do you even think you deserve me? and to think on that for a bit...

Bottom line..
Do not do some of the things I've done, talk to OMW/OWH ASAP! all of the reasons they tell why in here are good ones, I will be doing so after the holidays, they have a kid and dont want to take chance on ruinining a kids christmas...

Man up, dont beg,cry,whine, be clingy...act like a man

You can and will get thru it, if i can you can, you really dont need them.

I think my wife fianlly gets it, she could tell that I will not put up with any more TT and any Bull**** and she knows I'm ready to walk and have a good life either with her or without her, its her choice now, she has to do the heavy lifting going forward..I am in the drivers seat of my life now and what a ride its gonna be

I can honestly say I can talk the talk and walk the walk, took 3 months but damn it..I'm there

Almostrecovered

so will you contact OMW now?

she may have more info

__________________
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Newbies please read this
My story

strugglinghusband

A big HELL YEAH! on that, like I said after the holidays, I will not take a chance on ruininng a kids christmass, maybe the OMW has b/f maybe thier seperated right now, I wont be suprised either way, just dont care about that info right now.. I would rather lose my wife for good than ruin a childs christmass...no way I can do that.

aug

Good for you for being cool. Shows you're becoming detached. But not detached completely because you had sex with her right away after you had asked her to leave. Your words would have more impact had you meant them.


Ummm, I hope this is not too blunt.

strugglinghusband

Point taken, but the words were the truth...and my actions sex and all, got my point across, she could see it in me, I could tell by the way she looked at me, she never has looked at me like that before.

also forgot to mention I told her anything else I need to know should be told now, if I discover anything, get a whiff of something she wont have to leave but everyhting she owns will be in the driveway when she gets home....I was and am not joking on that.

working_together

Yeah, your story sounds a bit like mine. I said the same bull crap to hubby about contacting the OM's wife. I justified it by telling him that "you know I hate confrontations, I'm not like that", "why should we ruin their lives as well" (are you kidding?), "what about those poor kids?", "she won't throw him out anyway, he's done it it before", I could go on but you get the point, he was livid I actually said all those things, and basically said "you didn't give a **** when you were banging him, now all of a sudden you care"? This went on for months until I sorted out the emotions I had for OM, and realized I needed to do this for him, it was what he needed, and I needed to stop protecting that piece of crap.

working_together

What about you? there's no good time to release this info. to OM's wife, and if she has a b/f, well to bad, so sad, I'm not encouraging revenge, but hey, do what you need to do.

working_together

I think you had sex with her because on one hand you are really angry and devested over what she has done, but on the other, you feel the need to reclaim what is yours, and yeah, it will be quick for sure. You still love her, I think it's normal, it happened with hubby.

strugglinghusband

This is not about me, if the wife is lying and there are still together and I call now and turn her life upside down, do you really think they could hold it together for thier kid over christmass?(an 11 year old) and put on a happy face. Not worth the chance for me..
.yeah I know the wife and O/M can come up with stories for her in case I call...whatever....if so sooner or later it will come out, it always does sooner or later...I'm am prepared for anything right now and am cool with it all, honestly...

strugglinghusband

Thats what scares me, not mad, not hurt, no feelings about it right now, indifferent...at least if I was mad that would be an emotion...I'm think I'm trying to accept the fact its over and I know it..if so how did I get there so quickly?

of course I love her, but I love me more...

morituri

Your emotional empowerment story is very similar to The 13th_Floor and marduk.

Like Homer McDonald says:

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links

strugglinghusband

very true morituri, I told her, I want her to want me, but I dont need her to want me....its not a need

I can be a happy single man, no problems there....

StrangerThanFiction

kidding. thanks for sharing your story

morituri

To you sir, Paul Carrack's "Don't shed a tear".

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links

strugglinghusband

Update, the other night when we had the talk and she followed me into the bedroom, I left out that she was crying like a little kid(didnt even dawn on me that I left that out until last night),shaking, shuddering, I could see her pain and her remorse for the pain that was caused,saying how sorry she was for hurting me.
she still denied that there was anything more going on and it wasnt what I thought...I said that you just dont say to a male friend "Miss you Cant wait to see you" although I could see her pain and understand it, I had nothing, no feelings what so ever, no anger, no hurt, no glad or sad that she was huting, I had no empathy, none.....just a calmness about me....detached is the best way I could desricbe it.

she came home last night after work and I was laying down trying to nap (was a long night before)and asked if she could lay next to me and hug me, she started crying saying how sad she was and was afraid to even come home, I let her lay her head on myshoulders and told her I didnt want her to be afriad of coming home...yet again the same feeling of detachment, I layed there for a long time trying to understand what these new feelings or lack of,mean...I realized that after the other night, I can no longer be hurt by any of it, not whats happened or even if there is more to the story that I still dont know about, none of it can hurt me any longer! it just dosent matter...

It's not wall that I put up, but rather somethings taken over, all of my feelings/emotions, a gentle calmness that wont let any of my emotions/feelings take over, it calms them,its in control.
I can feel the hurt/pain/anger trying to rise up, and the calmness takes over i can feel the love/empathy understanding also trying to rise up and once again the calmness takes over and says "I'm in charge now and things are going to be ok"

So as I lay thinking, ...my heart and mind went to a place I used to go as a kid when I was having a rough time...back in the woods, laying in the tall grass, feeling a soft wind as it blows acoss the tall grass, I'm laying back looking up into the clouds and knowing that everything is right in the world and feeling that same calmness...and I think about all of this, how in the begining I opened up the door to my heart right away and reached out to her and tried to pull her in, which didnt work, then I slammed the door shut and put a lock on it which also didnt work...now the door is closed,I can neither open it up or try to keep it locked, I can feel her at the door, I'm hoping that she can find her way in and come lay with me in the tall grass ....I wont lay there forever waiting, life goes on..but I know now I can always take myself back to that grassy field.......

If any one of you that are the W/S are reading this, dont let your partner get to where I'm at.....you may lose them forever...