History, wife and I married 12 years, me 44 her 37. this goes back about 2 years now, rumors started about wife and her cowoker from a company party that i did not attend (red flag 1) we never fully addressed them. Last summer she started wearing diff clothes to work,sexy undies, tanning (red flag 2) got on her about it and she quit wearing them.
Same summer I went to move her cell phone off some papers and she freaked out and grabbed phone (red flag 3), this past fall she started emotionaly detaching from me (red flag4) and then the sex life started to dewindle to nothing (red flag 5).
I started into super paranoid investagator mode, asked her sevreal time over this past summer whats up, why are we drifting apart is there some one else?, got a no to that and its just a pahse were going thru and shes just not happy dosent know who she is or want she wants in life (red flag 6)
this past september, come in from outside and shes on computer and see's me and closes the lap top real quick, deer in the head lights look (red flag 7)...later that day i ask her were you emailing some guy and she says no just wired out from to much coffee.
So I install keylogger 2 weeks later and BAM, there its is, email to coworker saying she will be coiming in late, the reason why had to drop her dad off somewhere 1st and at the end saying "miss you and cant wait to see you" and his reply back was "dont worry about it, its ok, your dads whats important...
Yeah I know with all of the red flags she should have looked like a damn procupine..lol
The night before confrontation day, I tell her I got a call about her and her coworker, that something is up, and also ask was she emailing him and would she mind if I looked thru her emails? she replied that yes she did email him about something few weeks ago and I could look at her emails but it woul be like I was controlling and she had nothing to hide.the next morning (she still didnt know i had the emails already) she goes in and deltes them all and sets up her account so delted emails can not be reviewed.
So on confrotation-day, I confront, all tuff and **** at the begining and then fall apart like a little girl,crying,begging the whole sicking nine yards (Fail 1) I look back now, like who the hell was that guy? she swears it was just an e/a and not a very strong one, just close friends and we agree to work thru it, she will only have work contact, no in the room alone etc etc (yeah ok)
I did not demand she quit her job, and go no contact (fail 2)
did not get all the details, disclosure (fail 3)
did not contact OMW, let her talk me outta it because it would hurt his wife (fail 4)
make her own her **** (fail 5)
took a lot of the blame for my past **** and blamed myself for the affair (fail 6)
So we have bad days and good days over the last 3 months, tried mc, was a joke, i'm in ic (good for me) read evrything under the sun, LL, HNHN,man up, no mr nice guy,180, all kinds of posts in here all good for me, taught me to be a better me for me, started working out, great stress relevier, getting buffed..lol
talked her into ic as well. started to man up and shes noticed or so I thought...
last night out got soething to eat had a few beers, and the guy who originally called me about the rumors 2 years ago is there, (his wife and mine work at the same place) we start talking and he tells me that POS is getting divorced or is divorced, i ask when did this happen? and he says this past summer, i play it off real cool and leave after a bit.
Get home and the wife says whats wrong and I say " when were you gonna tell me that POS OM got divorced?" her reply was he's not divorced thier seperated....I was like really i wonder why?, pack your **** and get out of my house!( I wasnt mad, voice was not raised, I was as cool as a cucumber, no emotion at all) then she said you cant make me leave this is my house too...So I start laughing a little bit because it was actually funny and say "really just leave I'm done because if you want to stay here thats fine but theres no way in hell I'm leaving" and i walk in the bedroom, she follows me and says he did not leave his wife because of me,were are not and were not having an affair, then I say 'Oh really, I should believe you because youve been so truthfull with me all along, i should just take it on faith, sorry but no, and I can understand the why's it happened etc, but the part that you lied to me over and over before discovery day is was kills me, that anything you say now i cant believe".( you should have seen how far her jaw dropped, i could have driven my truck into it)
so she continues to tell me that OMW has a B/F, and I say "really, let me guess a coworker?" (another jaw dropper) she said she was stupid for not telling me and was afraid that i would take it wrong....ummm do you think?...
and then I say what about the romurs from 2 years ago, you knew about them before I did, you should have told me 1st, before i heard 2 months later from a buddy..you shhould have told me about thier seperation also.
I told her now I understand while all 3 times,I asked you about me talking with the OMW, (yeah another fail talking to her about contacting OMW) you told me each and everytime, why would you want to hurt someone else just because your in pain and your not mean and vindictive like that...and why would she care if her husband is seeing someone else, she has a B/F why would she care? ( another jaw dropper)
Talked to her about my past **** and I owned it, and its part of the reason why we are where were at, but that I will not take accountability for her lies/deciet and her e/a, i did not make her do those things and shes got own her **** too.
The whole thing was sureal, it was almost like i was standing there watching myself, again I was so amazzed that I wasnt showing any emotion to any of it, just talking cool and collective thoughts (maned up, NMMNG. Alpha male?) I was and am so proud of myself!!!!
So we wound up having sex/making love ( 3minute marathon, I know the ladies reading this will be like wow,3 whole minutes, he's a stud..lol..kidding on that one) and then we went to sleep.
so this morning we talk somemore and I tell her that I'm not sure if i even want to try any more, lets just smile thru the holidays (Kid is coming home for the holidays) and also asked her why should I stay? what are you willing to do to keep me? do you even think you deserve me? and to think on that for a bit...
Do not do some of the things I've done, talk to OMW/OWH ASAP! all of the reasons they tell why in here are good ones, I will be doing so after the holidays, they have a kid and dont want to take chance on ruinining a kids christmas...
Man up, dont beg,cry,whine, be clingy...act like a man
You can and will get thru it, if i can you can, you really dont need them.
I think my wife fianlly gets it, she could tell that I will not put up with any more TT and any Bull**** and she knows I'm ready to walk and have a good life either with her or without her, its her choice now, she has to do the heavy lifting going forward..I am in the drivers seat of my life now and what a ride its gonna be
I can honestly say I can talk the talk and walk the walk, took 3 months but damn it..I'm there