My wife of over 7 years now, has had an on again off again EA with a guy from work. Though she'll never admit she had feelings for him, or that it even got to the point to be considered an affair of any kind. I've tried ending their relationship with no avail. She still does some of the things that caused my suspicion, deleting texts (when we discussed that and she said she wouldn't), she's always the one starting the texts or phone calls to the guy, and now i find out that my wife has bought is daughter a christmas gift or 2. She did this last year too, and i wasn't happy about it, and to do it again, is just a slap in the face, pretty sure she got her birthday gifts too. She still tries to get our 2 kids and his together for playdates while I'm working (though its never happened yet). She got him birthday gift last year, but when it came to my wife's she admitted he got her nothing, cause he was afraid of how i would react. Well, I guess it's time to react again....christmas time or not...she has to stop it with him, or it's gonna be a long cold winter for her when she finds her stuff on the porch in 2 feet of snow.
Rocket - you have to lay down your boundaries, like, now, before your W starts getting physical with this man, if she hasn't already. She WILL push the envelope on this otherwise.
Tell her what you need her to do in order to stay married. If she won't do those things, start divorce proceedings.
What I've heard is that people can start the proceedings but wait to finalize them while working on the marriage. I haven't done this but others have. It will wake your wife up, big time. She needs dire consequences for this behavior, or it will just keep going, and eventually, they'll sleep together.
Emotional connections are very hard to break. As you've seen she's going to put up a fight - it will get much worse if you are successful in killing her relationship with this dude. Decide what you're boundaries are -what you're willing to accept and what you're not - then draw a line in the sand and stick to it and hold her accountable. No emotional reactions - cold, hard math. She's going to go nuts on you - call you controlling, tell you you're crazy, tell you you're an azzhole - let it run off your back and stick to that line in the sand. She wants to have her cake and eat it to and she's going to fight you to be able to continue to do so.
Unfortunately if you want her back all to yourself your going to have to fight her to get her - crazy isn't it.
No way in hell I would stand by and let her buy him and his kids X-mas presents and birthday presents... She's using your money to but these things. So, essentially YOU are buying these things for them!!!!
Being that almost all states are "no fault" when it comes to adultery, there are no grounds to leverage her cheating when it comes time for your divorce. However, one of the things that can be used in the divorce (regarding custody, support, alimony, etc..) is the use of marital assets to support or foster her extramarital relationship with this man.
I would also put some type of spy app on her phone and computer. She is not wanting you to see something and I would be damn curious as to what that something was. You may have a bigger problem on your hands than an EA.
Hard for her to do a NC with her working at the same place as this guy. She might need to start looking for another job. How would the place they work look at an affair?
If you're serious, then you need to put a keylogger on your computer, spyware on her phone, and a voice-activated recorder in her car. That way, you can catch her doing exactly what it is pretty obvious that she is doing.
Of course, if you catch her, you have to be willing to do something about it. If you're going to continue moaning and whining, then don't bother. Nothing will change until you make it change.
Implement all the suggestions you've received here. I would bet there's more to this than she admits or you know. You need to step up and now before you're the one with your things in two feet of snow!