Advice about Husband's EA - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 37Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 12:48 AM
Member
 
Mizzbak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 84
Re: Advice about Husband's EA

You need to confront your husband with clear evidence of his bad behaviour. Threatening him with divorce is not going to work. You've both already been there. I think that you need to confront his behaviour in front of a "neutral" third party. And then give him signed divorce papers with an ultimatum - if he wants to work on his marriage, then he needs to end (completely) his friendship with this other woman. If he does that, then you are prepared to undergo further counselling. Until then, the ball is in his court.

When is your next counselling session? I would carefully (and as objectively as possible) document all these hurtful and disrespectful things that you have heard/overheard with dates and times. Total up the time that he spends talking to her - this many hours this week etc. (Do you have access to his cellphone records, so that you can show exactly how much time he spent talking to her?) Try and be as factual as you can. Don't write about your feelings, just write down what he/she said and how long they spoke for. Then for your next therapy session - take copies of this. (One for you, one for your husband and one for the therapist). Explain that despite your husband's reassurances, his behaviour still made you feel suspicious. And that you trusted your intuition, so you took action.

Then distribute the copies and start reading allowed. On such-and-such date you said "quote"; on such-and-such date you shared this personal information about me with her etc. When you are asked where you got the information say that that isn't relevant. What is relevant is that you have inarguable proof that his "friendship" with this other woman is not at all innocent and that your husband clearly has very little loyalty to you. Ask the therapist whether such behaviour is appropriate in a healthy marriage. Don't let yourself get distracted by either of them asking where you got the information. Just keep asking (coldly and calmly) whether there is space for such a "friendship" in a healthy marriage. And keep reading the things that he has said about you and your marriage. If your husband tries to argue that you're making things up, then ask the therapist whether he/she would like to ask listen to recordings of these conversations in support of the document that you put together. Then ask the therapist to facilitate a discussion between you on how to go about a separation. Make it clear that you do not want either a divorce or a separation, but that you cannot consider anything else as long as this woman is part of your marriage.

Once you leave the therapy session, you need to have a clear plan in place. Think about the practicalities - don't travel to the session together if you can help it. How are you for money? Is it reasonable for you to ask your husband to move out?

You need to know that once you do this, your husband will know you are recording his conversations and then that source of information will no longer be there for you. But this boils down to asking how much more proof do you need? Do you have enough (for yourself) not to need any more in order to decide that you would rather divorce him then continue as you are?

Finally, how close are you to your husband's family or anyone else whose opinion he respects? I'd disclose the document to them as well. (Look at the guidelines for disclosure on Marriagebuilders.com.) Ask for their help in saving your marriage by speaking to him about his behaviour and choices. If he really doesn't think he has done anything wrong, then he won't care. My guess, he will care. He knows his behaviour is unacceptable and their response should be the same as ours has been.

PS Make sure you have copies of these recordings somewhere safe where your husband cannot find them. Do you have a friend that you can leave them with?


I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.
― C.S. Lewis
Mizzbak is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 02:02 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,580
Re: Advice about Husband's EA

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
I just wanted to add that I remember texting her in July, saying "I dont know why you text and call my husband so much but its not cool to do this to a married man. This constant calling and texting seems to go beyond the boundaries of regular friendship, especially when I see that you text and call multiple times during the day and even at midnight when I'm not around. I'm not sure what is really going on, but please back off a bit".*, I caught her talking later on to my husband telling him "I wanted to send her (meaning ME) back a text saying "Wow now I know why your husband is the way he is with you, and why he likes me more than he does you" and they were both overheard laughing about that little statement. My husband was heard laughing, saying "Woooo I would have liked to see her reaction on that one". I don't find it one bit funny. not one bit. I'm so angry typing this I can't see straight. It shows a serious lack of intellect and maturity on her part.
Emuna,
How much longer are you going to put up with being shoved in the mud, walked over and laughed at. Have more self respect girl, he is most definitely not worth it. If possible blow up the OW's world and hand your WH the divorce papers, tell all family, friends, etc why and call her out for the ***** she is too.
You cannot hold onto someone who treats you this way and will continue to do so regardless of your ultimatums.
Go and get IC to see why you allow him to do this, you must have self esteem issues. Move on, you are worth so much more than this.
aine is offline  
post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 02:28 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,651
Re: Advice about Husband's EA

@emuna OF COURSE her boyfriend is mentally Ill, dysfunctional and an utter jerk!

How do you know he is really that bad? Because Sarah and your husband have both said he is!

Can I just point out that the point of view of Sarah and your husband regarding their significant others might not be based on reality and may be merely trash talk by two people of somewhat limited emotional intelligence?

They might be trying to out do each other with "my wife/boyfriend is so horrible that they make your wife/boyfriend look like a saint in comparison!" type of stories.

And they probably will have sex together at some point.

Your marriage counselling is, as the old saying puts it, as much use as a chocolate teapot.

There's a possibility that your husband knows you monitor his calls and is callously playing with you.

IMO that alone would be grounds for divorce.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
 
post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 32
Re: Advice about Husband's EA

You bring up some interesting points. I also wonder if what she says is totally made up and is utterly just for attention. I mean, how could he really verify everything? Hmmm.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
@emuna OF COURSE her boyfriend is mentally Ill, dysfunctional and an utter jerk!

How do you know he is really that bad? Because Sarah and your husband have both said he is!

Can I just point out that the point of view of Sarah and your husband regarding their significant others might not be based on reality and may be merely trash talk by two people of somewhat limited emotional intelligence?

They might be trying to out do each other with "my wife/boyfriend is so horrible that they make your wife/boyfriend look like a saint in comparison!" type of stories.

And they probably will have sex together at some point.

Your marriage counselling is, as the old saying puts it, as much use as a chocolate teapot.

There's a possibility that your husband knows you monitor his calls and is callously playing with you.

IMO that alone would be grounds for divorce.
emuna is offline  
post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 12:32 PM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,651
Re: Advice about Husband's EA

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
You bring up some interesting points. I also wonder if what she says is totally made up and is utterly just for attention. I mean, how could he really verify everything? Hmmm.
They're are gossiping liars and your husband is a dastard, a bounder and a cad.

You should do better, you CAN do better!

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 12:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 39
Re: Advice about Husband's EA

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
He's admitted to only marrying me because I got pregnant with my now 9 year old child and needed the insurance for maternity care. He never admits to her that he actually loves me. I've never heard that yet! He said that early in our dating relationship, there was an issue regarding my ex and our divorce proceedings then, and he said to her, "I wish I would have just stayed away from her".
You already have your answer. There's no fixing that mind set in a person. If I said that to another woman, I'd have ONE thing in mind. And it's not staying with my wife.
DonaldDuck666 is offline  
post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 03:34 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,402
Re: Advice about Husband's EA

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
I just wanted to add that I remember texting her in July, saying "I dont know why you text and call my husband so much but its not cool to do this to a married man. This constant calling and texting seems to go beyond the boundaries of regular friendship, especially when I see that you text and call multiple times during the day and even at midnight when I'm not around. I'm not sure what is really going on, but please back off a bit".*, I caught her talking later on to my husband telling him "I wanted to send her (meaning ME) back a text saying "Wow now I know why your husband is the way he is with you, and why he likes me more than he does you" and they were both overheard laughing about that little statement. My husband was heard laughing, saying "Woooo I would have liked to see her reaction on that one". I don't find it one bit funny. not one bit. I'm so angry typing this I can't see straight. It shows a serious lack of intellect and maturity on her part.
So what??? Why does any of this even matter?? Your husband is jerking you around. Just END it already.
Hope1964 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What advice would you give to a wayward/betrayed spouse and why? EllaSuaveterre Coping with Infidelity 202 02-20-2017 01:34 AM
Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn Good Guy Sex in Marriage 356 01-16-2017 11:24 PM
Wife had an affair and I now need advice on my course Blue Forever General Relationship Discussion 21 12-28-2016 08:03 PM
Brief EA, disconnection, and reconciliation. Lost Lady Coping with Infidelity 37 12-28-2015 05:41 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome