Re: Advice about Husband's EA
You need to confront your husband with clear evidence of his bad behaviour. Threatening him with divorce is not going to work. You've both already been there. I think that you need to confront his behaviour in front of a "neutral" third party. And then give him signed divorce papers with an ultimatum - if he wants to work on his marriage, then he needs to end (completely) his friendship with this other woman. If he does that, then you are prepared to undergo further counselling. Until then, the ball is in his court.
When is your next counselling session? I would carefully (and as objectively as possible) document all these hurtful and disrespectful things that you have heard/overheard with dates and times. Total up the time that he spends talking to her - this many hours this week etc. (Do you have access to his cellphone records, so that you can show exactly how much time he spent talking to her?) Try and be as factual as you can. Don't write about your feelings, just write down what he/she said and how long they spoke for. Then for your next therapy session - take copies of this. (One for you, one for your husband and one for the therapist). Explain that despite your husband's reassurances, his behaviour still made you feel suspicious. And that you trusted your intuition, so you took action.
Then distribute the copies and start reading allowed. On such-and-such date you said "quote"; on such-and-such date you shared this personal information about me with her etc. When you are asked where you got the information say that that isn't relevant. What is relevant is that you have inarguable proof that his "friendship" with this other woman is not at all innocent and that your husband clearly has very little loyalty to you. Ask the therapist whether such behaviour is appropriate in a healthy marriage. Don't let yourself get distracted by either of them asking where you got the information. Just keep asking (coldly and calmly) whether there is space for such a "friendship" in a healthy marriage. And keep reading the things that he has said about you and your marriage. If your husband tries to argue that you're making things up, then ask the therapist whether he/she would like to ask listen to recordings of these conversations in support of the document that you put together. Then ask the therapist to facilitate a discussion between you on how to go about a separation. Make it clear that you do not want either a divorce or a separation, but that you cannot consider anything else as long as this woman is part of your marriage.
Once you leave the therapy session, you need to have a clear plan in place. Think about the practicalities - don't travel to the session together if you can help it. How are you for money? Is it reasonable for you to ask your husband to move out?
You need to know that once you do this, your husband will know you are recording his conversations and then that source of information will no longer be there for you. But this boils down to asking how much more proof do you need? Do you have enough (for yourself) not to need any more in order to decide that you would rather divorce him then continue as you are?
Finally, how close are you to your husband's family or anyone else whose opinion he respects? I'd disclose the document to them as well. (Look at the guidelines for disclosure on Marriagebuilders.com.) Ask for their help in saving your marriage by speaking to him about his behaviour and choices. If he really doesn't think he has done anything wrong, then he won't care. My guess, he will care. He knows his behaviour is unacceptable and their response should be the same as ours has been.
PS Make sure you have copies of these recordings somewhere safe where your husband cannot find them. Do you have a friend that you can leave them with?
“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis
FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.