Advice about Husband's EA
I posted this in addictions group but I think I need further advice on my situation from those in the Infidelity section of the site.. This is a bit long.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years, we have two kids. In August of this year, we entered into marriage counseling because of constant fighting and arguing going on, poor communication, etc. It was so bad, we were one breath away from divorce. It came down to him saying if I didn't go to counseling, he would file the papers.
So far, it's been going well.we are both happier with one another , of course it's not perfect but we're communicating better, things in our relationship are overall improved, including sexual. Anyways, here are my issues. Now, he has this female friend he's known for 6 years and has been in touch with on and off during this time. She's 30, I'm 38 years old, so not much of a difference in age.
He met her when he worked at the local casino. She was another employee. I have met her in person twice the whole time he's known her. He texts her and talks to her maybe a couple times a month (non sexual things) but they're long convos... a few days ago, it was a phone call that lasted AN HOUR. He called her when he was working. I've never quite felt ok with this relationship. But he swears up and down, sideways and backwards - THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS -NOTHING MORE! He does not want this woman even if we divorced, there is no dating potential.
He's never given me a reason to ever think they had a physical affair nor have they actually hung out together frequently. I'm pretty sure it's just emotional on HIS side. One sided. I spoke to her a couple of months ago and told her how I felt - she said it's silly about me thinking she is sleeping with him or has any romantic feelings since that's NOT happening. Ok I believe her. I bugged my husband's phone and recorded conversations to make absolutely sure they are telling the truth. Of course it is true with her, she doesn't seem to want him at all. BUT, here is my issue: I think my husband is the one that is developing feelings for her. All he does is get on the phone and they both cry and complain about their significant others. (me and her current boyfriend) He's saying things like "I feel we are more compatible with each other than we are with our significant others" My jaw hit the floor and I am still in shock over what I heard. She was all like, "um yeah I guess so" Kind of hesitant.
What else he's doing during these conversations ? He's telling her things from my past that I'm not proud of NOR SHOULD IT BE HER BUSINESS. He's admitted to only marrying me because I got pregnant with my now 9 year old child and needed the insurance for maternity care. He never admits to her that he actually loves me. I've never heard that yet! He said that early in our dating relationship, there was an issue regarding my ex and our divorce proceedings then, and he said to her, "I wish I would have just stayed away from her". I'm hurt, very very hurt.
They were discussing her relationship at one point and my husband was heard comparing me to her dysfunctional boyfriend, saying "well maybe emuna and Toby should get together, they seem like a good match" and both kind of laughed. This guy is abusive and has some pretty serious mental health issues. I do not have these problems, I'm not sure why he would say hurtful things like that.
We have brought this up in counseling, but the therapist just blames it all on my insecurity and self esteem issues. I'm pretty frustrated.
I think he's lying completely about his feelings and what he really wants. He's all lovey-dovey with me and says he loves me, treats me with care when he's not talking to her but he's admitting all this stuff to her and I AM SHOCKED. I DON'T KNOW how I can ever trust him or believe what he really is or how he really feels. I'm considering leaving him. We have so much to lose.
Update: He was telling her our marriage is getting better, her response? "Wow, it's hard to believe your marriage is getting so much better after all the issues you've gone through".
To me, that sounded like...disappointment perhaps? He's no longer available to her in her mind? I don't know
Last edited by emuna; 02-27-2017 at 08:15 AM.