Re: Seeing OH's work colleagues who encouraged him with another woman...
Thanks everyone for the advice. Here is what happened...
Neither of us went. We didn't even go out. I had a stress about the prospect of these work colleagues being there and explained how I felt to OH.
OH got defensive. Said I had them all wrong, they were not malicious and never intended to hurt my feelings because they're not like that, they acted because they thought he would want them to (even though he says he never asked or indicated that he wanted them to) and as soon as he realised what they had been doing, he confronted them and they apologised.
Now. I have my doubts about this, I think the last part is fabricated to spare my feelings tbh. BUT I have moved on from obsessing about all of that, it's not a place I'm in anymore. The point was that I wanted him to undertand that to me, they disrespected me, my relationship and my family and I find them toxic.
OH got really stressed. I could see he was getting worked up. All of a sudden he jumped up off the bed (we were talking in the bedroom), ran out of the room and just jumped over the landing banister. Falling down to the bottom of the stairs. I was completely dumbstruck. I looked down and he was just sat there white faced, not hurt thank god.
I am sure he didn't mean to do anything stupid but he does things like this when he gets angry. For the rest of the evening he hardly said a word. He slept on the sofa whilst I put the littlest kids to bed. I came downstairs and he had a beer. Still looked white. We spoke very briefly, it wasn't an angry atmosphere but he obviously didn't want to conversate so I left him alone mostly. He did say something very pointed though: he wasn't angry at me. He is angry at himself. He said not a day goes by when he doesn't think about what he did. That he feel ashamed of himself. I remember him saying a few months back that he couldn't bear the thought of me and him splitting up and him having to tell our sons (who he adores) that it was because daddy messed up with another woman.
He's still in bed now. I have no idea how to move forward with this. To me? We were doing really well at moving on. We've done counselling. I found it really difficult but I managed to look forward. It comes up and I am honest about if something has made me feel bad and we are good at working through it together. This has really thrown me for six because I never even realised he still thought about it. I honestly thought to him it was something stupid he'd done and he'd chalked it down to poor boundaries and moved on. I never realised he carried that much guilt with him.
What to do...?