I came here for help, but maybe I can give some too. I would suggest you never get on your computer unless she is present. That may seem impossible in your particular situation but maybe you could have HER set up the computer password so she has to type it in for you to log on. That will mean she has to be there, and you can't do it on your own.
I'm not forcing celibacy on anyone....with some exceptions I think everyone on this earth gets their release when they need it whether it be alone of with the SO....and sometimes that is done without the aid of porn, a lot of times really, and if you and your wife have set the boundaries of what is acceptable and you love your wife and do not want to gamble with your relationship then you do it with the mean available, like idk your imagination, fantasizing, something....
If you and your spouse both agree on certain boundaries in your relationship, and then you violate it he or she has every right to be mad at you. And if she is the "dominant partner" and he didn't have the guts to stand up to her in the beginning and say no I don't agree (which he has said more than once he also believes it's cheating), then that's his problem, in her eyes he still agreed, and he violated the agreement. My H watching porn behind my back was a huge deal with us, I didn't agree with him watching it, I felt like it was a mild form of cheating and it hurt my feelings...I told him I didn't want him watching it for those reasons anymore, he didn't agree, was I shocked or mad when I saw he had been watching it after that? Not really..upset? yes, but he never said he would stop, so really what did I expect?? Now if he agreed to stop and then I saw he was doing it again behind my back after saying he wouldn't, I would be p*ssed....People need to take responsibility for their own actions and quit pushing off the blame on someone else all the time....
I'm not forcing celibacy on anyone....with some exceptions I think everyone on this earth gets their release when they need it whether it be alone of with the SO....and sometimes that is done without the aid of porn, a lot of times really, and if you and your wife have set the boundaries of what is acceptable and you love your wife and do not want to gamble with your relationship then you do it with the mean available, like idk your imagination, fantasizing, something....
If you and your spouse both agree on certain boundaries in your relationship, and then you violate it he or she has every right to be mad at you. And if she is the "dominant partner" and he didn't have the guts to stand up to her in the beginning and say no I don't agree (which he has said more than once he also believes it's cheating), then that's his problem, in her eyes he still agreed, and he violated the agreement. My H watching porn behind my back was a huge deal with us, I didn't agree with him watching it, I felt like it was a mild form of cheating and it hurt my feelings...I told him I didn't want him watching it for those reasons anymore, he didn't agree, was I shocked or mad when I saw he had been watching it after that? Not really..upset? yes, but he never said he would stop, so really what did I expect?? Now if he agreed to stop and then I saw he was doing it again behind my back after saying he wouldn't, I would be p*ssed....People need to take responsibility for their own actions and quit pushing off the blame on someone else all the time....
So what is the difference between viewing p0rn and fantasizing about someone while you rub one off? Technically, would that not also be cheating?
So Ive been married for 3 years now, and a year ago my wife caught me watching porn, something I had struggled with for many years before. I have tried so hard to stop watching it becuase she (and myself) consider it adultry and a breaking of our marriage vows.
Can you explain a little more about how often and for what purpose you were watching porn for? What do you mean by “struggled”? Did you prefer watching porn to having sex with your wife? Were you watching it constantly just to watch it instead of strictly using it to pleasure yourself here and there?
I understand why some people associate Porn with adultery. But it’s not cut and dry like an EA or PA is. If by struggling you mean you had an addiction, your addiction is just as much of a problem as what it is you’re addicted to is. I don’t think you’re cheating on your wife, I think you just have an addiction that she and you both agree is not good for the marriage.
But I personally see nothing wrong with using it sporadically. I thought it was always kind of a given in marriage with a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. Unless she’s giving you BJ’s or HJ’s during her period, off nights, or even pregnancy, then I don’t see what the issue is.
I always thought porn for guys fell into the same category as look but don’t touch. Every married person, guy or girl, is guilty of at the very least “checking out” someone of the opposite sex. Porn in moderation is just another “boys will be boys” thing.
If you and your spouse both agree on certain boundaries in your relationship, and then you violate it he or she has every right to be mad at you. And if she is the "dominant partner" and he didn't have the guts to stand up to her in the beginning and say no I don't agree (which he has said more than once he also believes it's cheating), then that's his problem, in her eyes he still agreed, and he violated the agreement.
Is this honestly something that needs to be agreed upon? Just don’t abuse it or be dumb and make it obvious. It’s no more insensitive getting caught looking at porn as it would be for my W to tell me she thinks a guy on TV is hot instead of just keeping it to herself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenEyes
My H watching porn behind my back was a huge deal with us, I didn't agree with him watching it, I felt like it was a mild form of cheating and it hurt my feelings...I told him I didn't want him watching it for those reasons anymore, he didn't agree, was I shocked or mad when I saw he had been watching it after that? Not really..upset? yes, but he never said he would stop, so really what did I expect?? Now if he agreed to stop and then I saw he was doing it again behind my back after saying he wouldn't, I would be p*ssed....People need to take responsibility for their own actions and quit pushing off the blame on someone else all the time....
Can you honestly say you never fantasized about another man or at the least found them attractive? I think you should have just told your husband “look, I understand its human nature, I just don’t want to see or know about it”
Porn is a far far cry from going to get a massage with a happy ending, lap dance at a strip club, or worse a prostitute. In fact, I consider it a very safe, un-adulterous alternative, as long as it’s not used as a substitute for intimacy with your SO.
To the OP, if you want to stop cause you consider it cheating then stop. If its not an addiction, and you don't really agree that its cheating, then just be straight up with your W. Something like "I don't prefer porn to you, but sometimes I have the urge, and if you're unavailable for whatever reason, porn helps me fulfill a need. I don't obsess or fantasize about the other girls." If you're spending alot of time watching porn, not even for the purpose of just rubbing one out, then forget adultery, you have an addiction that's problematic to you, not just your wife.
So what is the difference between viewing p0rn and fantasizing about someone while you rub one off? Technically, would that not also be cheating?
As much as your SO might like to do so at times, they cannot control your thoughts or what goes on in your brain. 80% of the time when you are fantasizing it is usually of nobody in particular or an unobtainable person, and you can't take it a step further and contact ther person in your head....yes if you are fantasizing of someone you know then of course you can, but normally when you fantasize it's just for the moment and once you blow your load/get your release, whatever, you don't think much more of it.....If you do contact said person, that's a different forum altogether.
Santofimio No, this is not something that needs to be agreed upon, but if you read the OP this is something that they both agreed on therefore, in his particular case there was an agreement.
To address your second question, yes I have seen other men and thought they were attractive, I have fantasized about a few every once in a while...that sort of thing doesn't really get me going all the time. My H has fantasized about other women and said another woman was hot/pretty whatever in front of me, nbd. Me and my H watch porn together sometimes when the mood strikes us. What I don't like is hiding and lying. Me being 6 months pregnant and feeling gross enough already didn't really help the situation any either, and even though I said I didn't agree with him watching it without me, I told H to at least delete the history so I didnt know if he was watching it or not....I, at the time, felt like it was cheating, and my feelings were hurt, I am a little older now and not as sensitive, so by all means it would be fine, save for the fact that H carried on a relationship with someone online/over the phone, different forum though.
My whole point what I wrote is that if an agreement was made by both parties (which again OP said there was) you can't violate it and expect no repercussions from the SO, but if he hadn't agreed to it in the first place, she really couldn't have said anything because she knew he didn't agree with her. My sentence about the blame is that it's nobody's fault but his own that his wife got p*ssed and left, that was their agreement, he violated and she reacted, end of story. Now it's up to him to suck it up and decide that he (a) Isn't ever going to look at porn angain, and figure it out or (b) He's going to lay it down to his wife that, "Look I have my needs and sometimes you're not available to meet those needs", and then try to work through dealing with how she handles it, he has the problem, not her. If he lays it down and says he finds nothing wrong with watching it, and she is then faced with the decision to accept or not accept this, then it becomes her problem to deal with....but he needs to decide at this point what he wants more and what is more important
Hey Mr. Mike-----the differance in all this is---that the H. took a vow,---you know to love honor and obey---wife says she doesn't like porn----It is not unreasonable, for her to ask him not to view porn---he says he loves her, and if he loves her---he needs to honor his vows---IF PORN IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM THAN HIS WIFE---then he can get a D. and watch porn 24/7-------Do you understand that Mr. Mike??????
Hey Mr. Mike-----the differance in all this is---that the H. took a vow,---you know to love honor and obey---wife says she doesn't like porn----It is not unreasonable, for her to ask him not to view porn---he says he loves her, and if he loves her---he needs to honor his vows---IF PORN IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM THAN HIS WIFE---then he can get a D. and watch porn 24/7-------Do you understand that Mr. Mike??????
OP, maybe you should make a thread in the Relationships & Addiction forum. This thread has been derailed into an argument on whether or not this count as cheating. While I believe in your case it is, you're not getting a lot of useful advice here.
OP, maybe you should make a thread in the Relationships & Addiction forum. This thread has been derailed into an argument on whether or not this count as cheating. While I believe in your case it is, you're not getting a lot of useful advice here.
Idk some of us have tried to give him advice, then people that want to turn it into an argument come in and make their comments and give their p.o.v. on what we tell the OP...I mean in this situation there isn't much that you can do besides restrict yourself from watching it and occupy yourself to keep your mind off of it, let your SO set a password on restricted sites so that you cannot view them, or tell her that you do not agree (now) that this is a form of cheating and deal with her reaction accordingly.....and if it's a problem and you know it's a problem, you know you want to quit but don't think you can, then get IC to try and overcome your addiction.....am I leaving something out?
Hey Mr. Mike-----the differance in all this is---that the H. took a vow,---you know to love honor and obey---wife says she doesn't like porn----It is not unreasonable, for her to ask him not to view porn---he says he loves her, and if he loves her---he needs to honor his vows---IF PORN IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM THAN HIS WIFE---then he can get a D. and watch porn 24/7-------Do you understand that Mr. Mike??????
So some of you accuse me of making generalizations, yet you make your own arguments with said generalizations. It certainly is not unreasonable for her to make a request...provided that she in fact is participating with him in a healthy sexual relationship. I have seen the argument made by some on this forum that the marriage vows don't guarantee a man sex from his wife, so I would posit to you that the vows do not specifically state a man can't use p0rnography to satisfy a need. Yes, for some men it's a need, and if you want to act superior and state "Well I don't need it!" That's terrific. I am glad for you, but don't act high and mighty and condemn someone for using it. He still has not answered whether or not his wife is being intimate with him, so perhaps we should wait to see what he says?
Do you understand jnj?
Debate about whether it's cheating aside, have you considered treating it as an addiction? My hubby has a sex addiction which includes porn and he belongs to a 12 step group that has helped him tremendously.
Re: Cyber Cheating 
Short and to the point, I like that 
