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post #31 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

Definitely being pumped for info. I haven’t heard from her since Saturday, other than her commenting on my statuses on facebook, but those comments were obviously not affair related.

So I’m sitting here at my desk and it pops up that I have a message from her on facebook. It says “Can I ask you a question about kickball without you telling my husband?”

We had a kickball tournament at work in October, her husband was on my team. He came and brought his kids, but she had to work both nights.

Before I even had a chance to answer, she sent another message that said “the pictures were just there yesterday, now they’re gone”.

So I got on facebook and looked and my team picture and action shots that I had posted of my team were still there. So I screenshot them and sent them to her and said they were still there. I was thinking at that point that maybe her husband had removed the tags of himself from my pictures and that that is what she was getting at. But I’d thought her husband had deleted his facebook.

She responded and said “No, the ones that you were tagged in”. I could only remembering being tagged in pictures from 2 other women, one of them being the Angela from the bridal shop and the other being a woman on my team, let’s call her Jackie. So I said “Angela or Jackie?” I was confused at that point because Angela didn’t have anything and do with this, and Jackie is a married lesbian.

So she responds and says “No, Susie”. (The AP) Again, before I have a chance to answer she says “Can you take a look and see if they’re still there?”

I just said “Oh her, I forgot she was there because she didn’t play” (She didn’t play, she came to watch, but a lot of people came to watch so I didn’t think anything about that at the time)

She responded “Yeah, she was there with my fkn kids!” and again before I could respond said “I just talked to him about her having those pictures of him on her facebook 3 days ago, now I see they’re gone, seems kind of coincidental to me”

In other words, I’m pretty sure she just confirmed the affair to me.

I don’t want involved in this, I don’t want to know. I just responded “Man, she has a lot of pictures on her facebook, like thousands, it would take a while to find them”

She just responded “Sorry to bug you at work, thanks.”


I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #32 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 12:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

And yes, FYI, it looks like the pictures are gone. (I did look)

I feel bad saying straight out to this woman that I don't want to be involved. I DON'T want to be involved. But on the other hand, I know how it feels to want to know something SO badly and not have any way of getting the information. There's a part of me that feels like I should tell her the pictures are gone, because it might confirm that her husband is still in contact. On the other hand, I don't want to be involved. I have my own affair(s) to deal with. I think that's the empath in me. I want to help ease anyone's pain, especially when I know what it feels like. But on the other hand, I don't want anything to do with it but feel bad saying that straight out.

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post #33 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:34 AM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

"She responded “Yeah, she was there with my fkn kids!”

Anyone who refers to their kids this way doesn't deserve empathy. There, you're off the hook.
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post #34 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

LH, I agree with Blondilocks. Just referring to her kids in that manner makes me cringe. You only know what you have been told, second and even third hand. You could tell her that it makes you uncomfortable getting involved in the situation. You have heard the gossip, but frankly, she knows more than you do, and you are not going to to be put into the position of seeking our new information for anyone. You have your own problems to keep you busy and cannot add more stress onto it. Adjust accordingly, of course, but get the point across that you are there to work, not spy/gossip.

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post #35 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

Angela told me today that apparently his wife is losing her mind. I guess Friday night after she had asked me about the kickball pictures, that night he’d went to go to bed and put on his t-shirt from the kickball game to sleep in. She triggered, started screaming at him to take it off and made him go outside and burn it. I guess he tells a coworker (female of all things) about this stuff and then she tells Angela and then Angela comes up and tells me. I told her this morning that it’s pretty bad that he would confide in a female coworker about this kind of stuff and then even worse that that coworker tells her those things! She responded “well, they’re really close friends”. And then said something about the wife acting “too crazy” and that she just “needed to get over it”. At some point I’m going to have to tell her that I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I really don’t. It triggers me. And I understand where she’s coming from for the most part too. And it makes me angry that he’s got a female confidant here at work that he talks about his affair with like it’s nothing. I think this is part of the reason that some people just don’t think affairs are that bad until it happens to them. This lackadaisical attitude about the BS being crazy and blurred lines about opposite sex friendships. Outright gossiping about it like it’s nothing. It just makes me sad for his wife.

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post #36 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?




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post #37 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
"She responded “Yeah, she was there with my fkn kids!”

Anyone who refers to their kids this way doesn't deserve empathy. There, you're off the hook.
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Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
LH, I agree with Blondilocks. Just referring to her kids in that manner makes me cringe.
I took the wife saying that in a totally different way. Try to understand what she was communicating, not the exact words. She couldn't believe that the ***** was there with HER kids. Cut her some slack.

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She responded “well, they’re really close friends”.
How many "close friends" does that guy have at work? That seems to be the root cause of the problem. To me, Angela seems to be enjoying all the gossip and its spreading. Trust her to spread every drop of dirt on you if she hears anything. I wonder what she says about you in the bridal shop when you are not there.

LH, the BS seems to be doing what you did. All the facebook and looking for clues. Ask yourself this. If you knew of someone who could provide you with answers about J and his activities, would you seek that person out for information?
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post #38 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

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I took the wife saying that in a totally different way. Try to understand what she was communicating, not the exact words. She couldn't believe that the ***** was there with HER kids. Cut her some slack.
I agree. The woman is angry and I don't blame her. I think it takes an affair to a new level when you start exposing the kids to it like that.

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post #39 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

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I took the wife saying that in a totally different way. Try to understand what she was communicating, not the exact words. She couldn't believe that the ***** was there with HER kids. Cut her some slack.



How many "close friends" does that guy have at work? That seems to be the root cause of the problem. To me, Angela seems to be enjoying all the gossip and its spreading. Trust her to spread every drop of dirt on you if she hears anything. I wonder what she says about you in the bridal shop when you are not there.

LH, the BS seems to be doing what you did. All the facebook and looking for clues. Ask yourself this. If you knew of someone who could provide you with answers about J and his activities, would you seek that person out for information?
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I agree. The woman is angry and I don't blame her. I think it takes an affair to a new level when you start exposing the kids to it like that.

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I get what you both are saying, and have heard people say this very phrase, in the same manner you describe. In fact, you are probably correct in how she meant it. It doesn't make it any less cringe-worthy, imo, and have stated as much to those I have heard say it. I completely agree about the thought of OW/OM around the kids. I completely agree with the anger. I completely DISAGREE with the way she worded it.

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post #40 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

Losinghim

I know you are weary of getting involved, and with good reason, but the not knowing is so destructive. Already the wife is being referred to as crazy, when in fact she isn't. I would consider doing the following if I were in your position. I would call the lady contacting you for information, meet with her over coffee, and tell her what you know. Even if it's rumor that isn't confirmed as she may be able to piece it all together by what may be rumor or truth. I would then give her a supportive hug and wish her the best of luck. If a friendship forms, great, if not, then so be it. When it comes to infidelity and what I went through, I will never stand idly by, it's just not in my nature. Best of luck to you.


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post #41 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

Bob needs to find a new job. The fact that Susie left is insufficient. Either the workplace or the coworkers foster a toxic environment for the marriage if Bob and Mary are to R.
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post #42 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

It’s just a tough place to be in for a lot of reasons. 1) It triggers me. That’s the selfish reason it’s a tough spot to be in 2) I don’t want involved in someone else’s drama, I have enough of my own 3) I really don’t KNOW anything, just the gossip that Angela has told me, which is unsolicited and started with me just nodding and saying “uh huh” to, but now it’s getting to the point where I feel like I want to stick up for the wife because I know how it feels, but again I don’t want to get involved so I may only say one or two small things in defense of the wife, while at the same time screaming to myself “don’t get involved!” 4) I know how the wife feels. I’m an empath as it is, but add to it that I’ve been through it and I WANT to help her on one hand, on the other, I want to run 5) I still work with her husband. I don’t know this woman well. If I tell this woman what I know (or rather what I’ve heard) and it helps her piece anything together, who is to say that she doesn’t go back to her husband say I told her. What if he would for some reason want some type of revenge on me? What if he caused problems for me at work?

If I knew something unequivocally I would tell. The problem is I don’t. And even then, since I still work with her husband, I would do it anonymously somehow.

BTW, I took the “fkn kids” comment as anger as well. Had it been written “She was fkn there with my kids!” I don’t think anyone would think anything. But since the fkn is before ‘kids’ it definitely makes it cringeworthy.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #43 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

Quote:
Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
Losinghim

I know you are wary of getting involved, and with good reason, but the not knowing is so destructive.
And whose problem is that?


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Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
I would consider doing the following if I were in your position. I would call the lady contacting you for information, meet with her over coffee, and tell her what you know. Even if it's rumor
You're suggesting spreading rumour? - which you seem to see as on a par with fact. How's that supposed to help with the BW's "not knowing"?


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Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
she may be able to piece it all together by what may be rumor or truth.
OK, so IF the OP chooses to reach out and meet BW for coffee, OP invites questions. Specific questions, or questions with a specific nucleus eg questions like "I heard that..." or "I have a feeling that..." .. "...they used to disappear into an unused office and lock the door lunchtimes" [or whatever], do you know anything about that? To which OP can say "I heard rumours to that effect". And the BW's follow on will be .. who? when? where? said how often? who else knows?

All very difficult - indeed - to deal with, unless OP is content to immerse herself in rumour-mongering.

Even more difficult when you consider the last few lines of the first paragraph of OP's post #42


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Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
If a friendship forms, great
No, it's not great. The "friendship" will have been born out of the BW's need to know and/or have a shoulder to cry on. Once that purpose has been served for the BW, the BW will bow out of the "friendship" and OP - who has said she is looking to make more female friends - will not be a happy bunny

My advice to the OP is this: *IF* you choose to have coffee with the BW, resolve to yourself first that she is not to become a friend, that she is excluded from friendship-status by virtue of the circumstances of your getting together. Otherwise you'll end up disappointed and hurt.
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post #44 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

I will give you all the background on what I have heard as rumor on this instance.

I come to work and am told by Angela that Susie walked out the previous week. Susie works in Customer Service. I ask why and Angela whispers to me that it was because Susie was being picked on by two other CSR’s. A mom and a daughter. The mom and the daughter sit across the wall from me and they are very friendly with me and I like them a lot. (The daughter is the married lesbian I mentioned earlier) I say that I just can’t see that happening because they are both so nice. Angela responds that apparently Susie had a lot of problems with them, got frustrated and walked out. I responded I was surprised by that because I sit over the wall from them and hear them talking all the time and they seemed to get along. Angela responds basically “I don’t know, that’s what she told me”.

I had sent Susie a message on facebook that night and just said “what happened?” She responded she was just spending too much time at work and not enough being a wife and mother. I thought that was a strange response given that I was told she left because she was being “bullied” but who knows so I just said that I understood but that I was sad to see her go. She didn’t respond, but I know she has kids and is busy so I didn’t think too much about it.

A few days later Angela comes up and says “Susie didn’t quit because of the other girls after all!” I asked what she meant and she said that the one girl (the daughter, the lesbian) came up to her (Angela) one morning and said that she heard her telling me that Susie told her she quit because of her and her mom. The girl that is a lesbian is very nice, but she has a very strong personality. She is a bit stereotypical lesbian, dresses somewhat boy-ish, deeper voice, she’s a bit bigger, more stickily built, she can be a bit intimidating. Apparently she told Angela that she wanted to set the record straight that she did not cause Susie to quit by bullying her. She said that when she would watch the switchboard for the receptionist to have lunch, she would see Susie and Bob both leave for lunch within minutes of each other often and that they would come back within minutes of each other quite often. She said that’s the first thing she picked up on. She said after that she started noticing Bob over by Susie’s desk a lot, whispering, etc. and that she then picked up even more on them going to lunch at the same time every day. She said that one time Susie had watched the switchboard before her and left her email signed on and she had seen where Bob and Susie had emailed each other setting up lunch for that day. She said she then confronted Susie and said something along the lines of “Listen, I saw your email and I see you have lunch with Bob often, if you’re cheating on your husband, you really need to think long and hard about what you’re doing to your husband and family” and that that was all she had ever said to her but that she wasn’t quite as friendly with her afterwards because she didn’t support infidelity.

A few days later, Angela had lunch with Susie and Susie told her that her husband was the one that discovered it. That she had given her husband her phone to take a picture of her and their boys and while he had it, a text from Bob popped up that was questionable, he took her phone to the bathroom and read all of the texts. Came out and told her she had to quit her job and that she herself had to call Bob’s wife and tell her what was going on. She swore to Angela that there has been no more contact between the two of them, that she wanted to stay with her husband and that she was terrified of Bob’s wife because his wife had driven by her house, cussed her out and had sent her threatening text messages. Angela’s interpretation was that they were “flirting” and “possibly sexting” and nothing more. That Susie was just “enjoying the attention” and nothing more.

That is literally all I know. A male coworker asked me if I’d heard the rumor a couple of days after that. I just played dumb and said no. He was utterly shocked by it and then said “but I’ve heard Bob’s done this before”. I just played it off like I was surprised but not interested in the story.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #45 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

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Bob needs to find a new job. The fact that Susie left is insufficient. Either the workplace or the coworkers foster a toxic environment for the marriage if Bob and Mary are to R.
Is it the coworkers or the environment? Or is it Bob? I mentioned I’ve joked around with Bob before, we’re the same age, we have some similar interests in music and movies and such – just stuff that’s come up through normal work chit chat. But I have picked up on the fact that he has a bit of a perverted sense of humor. I do too, but I really keep that filter on at work. He doesn’t so much. I’ve never considered him “flirty” but I’ve definitely considered a few things borderline inappropriate. Not necessarily offensive to me because of my sense of humor, but would definitely be offensive to some.

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