Being pumped for info by BS? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Being pumped for info by BS?

I’ll try to keep this as clear as possible.

I work with a guy named Bob and a woman named Susie at my primary job. They both work in the office with me. Bob is married and so is Susie. Both of them have 4 children. I am not good friends with Susie or Bob, but due to the nature of my job, I talk to both of them quite often and am friendly with both of them. I am friends on Facebook with both of them, along with Bob’s wife who I’ve met at the Christmas party a few times and our company picnics, but that’s it. We’ll call her Mary. I have never hung out with Susie outside of work except the day before Thanksgiving this year when a large group of us went to a bar after work. At the bar, Susie, myself and another coworker we will call Angela took a picture together and posted it on facebook. We had a great time that night. I don’t have a lot of girlfriends so I was kind of happy that I’d kind of made a little bit of a connection with Susie, and a little more of a connection with Angela.

The following Tuesday, I come to work and Angela tells me that Susie walked out the day before. I was pretty shocked by this, but Susie could be a bit sensitive and overdramatic at times so I thought maybe she’d gotten frustrated with something and walked out in an emotional state. That night, I sent her a message on facebook and asked her what happened. All I got back was that work was taking up too much of her time, that she needed to spend more time focusing on being a mom and a wife. I told her I understood, but that I was sorry to see her go. I haven’t seen her since, but we are still friends on facebook.

Maybe Friday of the same week, Angela comes and tells me that the real reason Susie quit was because she was having an affair with Bob. Apparently her husband had taken her phone to take a picture of her with her kids and a suggestive text from Bob came through as he had the phone in his hand. He ran off with the phone, locked himself in the bathroom and read all of the texts. They stayed together, but the only way he would was if she quit her job and called Bob’s wife and told him. This was all confirmed by Susie to Angela. Angela was closer to Susie so she had asked Susie to go to lunch to get the real scoop on what happened. Angela was told and believes that it was just flirting/sexting, etc. and nothing more. Me, having been here at TAM for a year+, completely think that it was completely physical as there are indications they would go to lunch together several times a week as well. I tried to tell Angela that, but apparently she’s a bit naïve. It’s not really my place to convince Angela of what actually happened anyway. Angela has just been telling me about this as gossip at this point.

So Angela and I also work together at a bridal shop on weekends. This past Saturday, Angela went in at 10 and I went in at noon. When I went in at noon, clocked in and came around the corner, Angela had a customer. Bob’s wife Mary. Mary’s friend was getting married and Mary was there with her getting her wedding dress. I stopped and said hi to Mary. Just pleasant chit chat. She had recently got her hair done (she has beautiful long dark hair and had posted pictures of it on facebook a couple of days before) so I complimented her hair, asked how she was, she asked how I was, etc. Just normal chit chat you’d have with someone that you’ve only met a couple of times. I was also getting ready to get a customer so I was kind of walking as I was talking, getting my stuff prepared, etc.

I don’t end up seeing her before she leaves to say goodbye or anything like that. However, Angela comes up to me and says “well that was awkward”. I asked what. Apparently Mary said she looked familiar and then at one point said “Do you work at (insert name of our primary job). Angela said yes and apparently Mary sneered “Ohhhhh so YOU know Susie”. Angela says she responded “well I used to, but she doesn’t work with us anymore” and just left it at that.

Later that evening, I get home and I see a message pop up on my facebook from Mary. It says something along the lines of “I know we don’t talk very often, but I see a lot of your posts and you seem like you have some pain. I know pain. Is everything ok?” Now mind you, I’ve been trying to post only positive things on my facebook lately because I can get sucked into negative too easily. I responded to her “Well, 2016 wasn’t the greatest year for me, but I’ve taken charge of my life and it’s up to me how happy I am” with a smily face. So she responds to me that if I’d like to get a cup of coffee sometime, she’d like that. I responded that I would like that as well because I don’t have a lot of female friends and I’m really trying to branch out that way. She responds with saying “Or we can just go get margaritas sometime”. I just respond “Well, there’s always that instead of coffee, haha”. She responds with someone along the lines of maybe we could go work out, or we could work out and THEN go get margaritas, etc. At this point I’m kind of thinking things are getting weird. I start racking my brain to think of how many times I’ve actually been around her. I can think of 3. 2 Christmas parties for work and one company picnic. I think I’ve talked to her before this for a total of MAYBE 20 minutes? The offer of coffee sounded good. I kind of took it as we’d been friends on faceook for a while, we seemed to get along when we saw each other in person, maybe she just thought we’d clicked personality wise and since I’d run into her that day she thought maybe we’d make good friends and wanted to build a friendship. But after all of these messages that span over about an hour, I just kind of got a weird feeling. She ends up asking if I had plans that night. I told her I did because it was my night to run my 15 year old around and I was “Mom Taxi” for the night.

I never heard another word from her. She just stopped responding. I feel as if she contacted me, primed me for ‘friendship’ but actually wants to pump me for information about Bob and Susie. I don’t KNOW anything about Bob and Susie, other than what Angela has told me about her husband intercepting the text and making her quit her job and Susie downplaying the affair to Angela. I know NOTHING else. Angela also came up to me today and said that Bob came in this morning and told her that Susie told him that Angela said to her at the bridal shop “I’m so sorry for everything he put you through”. She said that Bob wasn’t aggressive about it and that he didn’t seem upset at all, he just asked her. She swears that she didn’t say that to Mary because she felt really awkward after she brought up Susie in the first place. I end up telling her about Mary contacting me and she thinks that Mary wants to meet me because she saw the picture from the night before Thanksgiving of me, her and Mary and assumes that I’m decent enough friends with her that I would know something.

My heart breaks for this girl, as I know how this feels. How desperately you’ll seek for any kind of information. Should I bring this up to this woman? That I don’t KNOW anything? I don’t mind meeting her for coffee or a drink if it is under the motivation to actually make a friendship. As I said, I don’t have a lot of girlfriends and I need them. But if I go under the guise of friendship, she pumps me for info and I don’t have any and I never hear from her again, I think it will make me feel used and pretty bad.

What do you think? Pumping me for info?


I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #2 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

Good thing you didn't say "I'll try to keep this as brief as possible".

What I think is you're borrowing drama. Not your monkeys - not your circus.

Last edited by Blondilocks; 02-28-2017 at 04:36 PM. Reason: typo
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post #3 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

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Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
I’ll try to keep this as clear as possible.

I work with a guy named Bob and a woman named Susie at my primary job. They both work in the office with me. Bob is married and so is Susie. Both of them have 4 children. I am not good friends with Susie or Bob, but due to the nature of my job, I talk to both of them quite often and am friendly with both of them. I am friends on Facebook with both of them, along with Bob’s wife who I’ve met at the Christmas party a few times and our company picnics, but that’s it. We’ll call her Mary. I have never hung out with Susie outside of work except the day before Thanksgiving this year when a large group of us went to a bar after work. At the bar, Susie, myself and another coworker we will call Angela took a picture together and posted it on facebook. We had a great time that night. I don’t have a lot of girlfriends so I was kind of happy that I’d kind of made a little bit of a connection with Susie, and a little more of a connection with Angela.

The following Tuesday, I come to work and Angela tells me that Susie walked out the day before. I was pretty shocked by this, but Susie could be a bit sensitive and overdramatic at times so I thought maybe she’d gotten frustrated with something and walked out in an emotional state. That night, I sent her a message on facebook and asked her what happened. All I got back was that work was taking up too much of her time, that she needed to spend more time focusing on being a mom and a wife. I told her I understood, but that I was sorry to see her go. I haven’t seen her since, but we are still friends on facebook.

Maybe Friday of the same week, Angela comes and tells me that the real reason Susie quit was because she was having an affair with Bob. Apparently her husband had taken her phone to take a picture of her with her kids and a suggestive text from Bob came through as he had the phone in his hand. He ran off with the phone, locked himself in the bathroom and read all of the texts. They stayed together, but the only way he would was if she quit her job and called Bob’s wife and told him. This was all confirmed by Susie to Angela. Angela was closer to Susie so she had asked Susie to go to lunch to get the real scoop on what happened. Angela was told and believes that it was just flirting/sexting, etc. and nothing more. Me, having been here at TAM for a year+, completely think that it was completely physical as there are indications they would go to lunch together several times a week as well. I tried to tell Angela that, but apparently she’s a bit naïve. It’s not really my place to convince Angela of what actually happened anyway. Angela has just been telling me about this as gossip at this point.

So Angela and I also work together at a bridal shop on weekends. This past Saturday, Angela went in at 10 and I went in at noon. When I went in at noon, clocked in and came around the corner, Angela had a customer. Bob’s wife Mary. Mary’s friend was getting married and Mary was there with her getting her wedding dress. I stopped and said hi to Mary. Just pleasant chit chat. She had recently got her hair done (she has beautiful long dark hair and had posted pictures of it on facebook a couple of days before) so I complimented her hair, asked how she was, she asked how I was, etc. Just normal chit chat you’d have with someone that you’ve only met a couple of times. I was also getting ready to get a customer so I was kind of walking as I was talking, getting my stuff prepared, etc.

I don’t end up seeing her before she leaves to say goodbye or anything like that. However, Angela comes up to me and says “well that was awkward”. I asked what. Apparently Mary said she looked familiar and then at one point said “Do you work at (insert name of our primary job). Angela said yes and apparently Mary sneered “Ohhhhh so YOU know Susie”. Angela says she responded “well I used to, but she doesn’t work with us anymore” and just left it at that.

Later that evening, I get home and I see a message pop up on my facebook from Mary. It says something along the lines of “I know we don’t talk very often, but I see a lot of your posts and you seem like you have some pain. I know pain. Is everything ok?” Now mind you, I’ve been trying to post only positive things on my facebook lately because I can get sucked into negative too easily. I responded to her “Well, 2016 wasn’t the greatest year for me, but I’ve taken charge of my life and it’s up to me how happy I am” with a smily face. So she responds to me that if I’d like to get a cup of coffee sometime, she’d like that. I responded that I would like that as well because I don’t have a lot of female friends and I’m really trying to branch out that way. She responds with saying “Or we can just go get margaritas sometime”. I just respond “Well, there’s always that instead of coffee, haha”. She responds with someone along the lines of maybe we could go work out, or we could work out and THEN go get margaritas, etc. At this point I’m kind of thinking things are getting weird. I start racking my brain to think of how many times I’ve actually been around her. I can think of 3. 2 Christmas parties for work and one company picnic. I think I’ve talked to her before this for a total of MAYBE 20 minutes? The offer of coffee sounded good. I kind of took it as we’d been friends on faceook for a while, we seemed to get along when we saw each other in person, maybe she just thought we’d clicked personality wise and since I’d run into her that day she thought maybe we’d make good friends and wanted to build a friendship. But after all of these messages that span over about an hour, I just kind of got a weird feeling. She ends up asking if I had plans that night. I told her I did because it was my night to run my 15 year old around and I was “Mom Taxi” for the night.

I never heard another word from her. She just stopped responding. I feel as if she contacted me, primed me for ‘friendship’ but actually wants to pump me for information about Bob and Susie. I don’t KNOW anything about Bob and Susie, other than what Angela has told me about her husband intercepting the text and making her quit her job and Susie downplaying the affair to Angela. I know NOTHING else. Angela also came up to me today and said that Bob came in this morning and told her that Susie told him that Angela said to her at the bridal shop “I’m so sorry for everything he put you through”. She said that Bob wasn’t aggressive about it and that he didn’t seem upset at all, he just asked her. She swears that she didn’t say that to Mary because she felt really awkward after she brought up Susie in the first place. I end up telling her about Mary contacting me and she thinks that Mary wants to meet me because she saw the picture from the night before Thanksgiving of me, her and Mary and assumes that I’m decent enough friends with her that I would know something.

My heart breaks for this girl, as I know how this feels. How desperately you’ll seek for any kind of information. Should I bring this up to this woman? That I don’t KNOW anything? I don’t mind meeting her for coffee or a drink if it is under the motivation to actually make a friendship. As I said, I don’t have a lot of girlfriends and I need them. But if I go under the guise of friendship, she pumps me for info and I don’t have any and I never hear from her again, I think it will make me feel used and pretty bad.

What do you think? Pumping me for info?
Well trust your senses that she is pumping you for information and if you don't want to feel used I would just tell her that if she is wanting a friendship you would like to have coffee and if she wants to ask about Susie that you didn't know her very well. Thats what I would do.

I think I'm afraid to be happy. Because whenever I get to happy, something bad always happens.
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post #4 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 03:45 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

Just send her a message with a link to TAM. We will take care of the rest
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post #5 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Good think you didn't say "I'll try to keep this as brief as possible".

What I think is you're borrowing drama. Not your monkeys - not your circus.
Never promised to keep it brief!


I don't want to sit down with this woman and talk about her husbands affair. I don't KNOW anything about her husbands affair. The only things I "know" and I use that lightly because it's all second hand, is the things that Angela has told me in a gossip type situation. And that's not a give and take conversation. She talks, I just nod and half listen. I don't know these things, and I don't WANT to know these things because hearing those details triggers me. I just do the typical "nod and smile", offer a couple "uh huh's" in there too. The last thing I need right now is to meet a betrayed woman on the pretext of having coffee and being pressed for information. I guess I just don't know how proper it would be to preface it with "Hey, I don't want to meet you for coffee if you just want to pump me for information about Bob's affair". How do you even say that politely? And what if that isn't what she wants and I insult her by saying that?

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #6 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

A big part of recovery from being a BS was focusing on my personal integrity. Part of it incudes rigid self honesty with myself and demanding it from others both passively and aggressively at times. She lied to you about the reason why she contacted. I understand why, and we both understand the the very really reason she did so. I think we both could agree at one point we would do exactly the same, with regret but no remorse at best. Truth: not good enough reason to reach out. What she needs is brutal honesty and neither of us cannot give her this until she is ready for it.

YOU WANT THE TRUTH: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. So when can you tell her the truth? When she writes you I need the truth and insight into my marriage from you, but I don't need/want/or will invovle you in my drama. Hear is why you personally why you should not:.....
Hear is why it will not happen:.....

Bottom line until she understands what she is asking you cannot help her. At best in a month send her links to LS, SI, Divorce Busters, Not Juat Friends, etc. anoymously. (perhaps with snapshot, don't know if it's possible but it is a known cheater app so it might give her a hint.) Not to TAM. Stress the importance of finding a good IC, the characteristics of a good IC, why IC is more important before MC and drop it.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #7 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

Think maybe she's heard some gossip about your husbands affair and is looking for someone who understands to befriend?

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #8 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

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Think maybe she's heard some gossip about your husbands affair and is looking for someone who understands to befriend?


That's what I'm thinking. It was hard for me to keep up with the various names, but from what I understood she could also be comforted by knowing that you don't actually know anything.

It's one think for your WS to have a workplace affair - you are totally in the dark - but it's much worse if everyone knew about it and it was an open secret. Then you're just a fool to everyone around you.

So maybe that as well


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post #9 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

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Think maybe she's heard some gossip about your husbands affair and is looking for someone who understands to befriend?
I'm thinking she is just digging for information, she has probably been trickle truthed and wants more. Reason I think that is she escalated to wanting to go for drinks to loosen LH up. I would just refuse. No idea why she would mention the gym.

I think I'm afraid to be happy. Because whenever I get to happy, something bad always happens.
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post #10 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

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I'm thinking she is just digging for information, she has probably been trickle truthed and wants more. Reason I think that is she escalated to wanting to go for drinks to loosen LH up. I would just refuse. No idea why she would mention the gym.
Lots of women who work or are SAHM's are short on time. They can make time for the gym or make time to socialize, but not both. It's fairly common for women to meet up with other women at the gym to socialize while working out. If she is looking for someone who would understand because they've been there suggesting a work out together and a quick drink afterward is pretty standard casual hang out fare.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #11 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

But you do know..... Losinghim.

You said they went out for lunch..often?

And if you think about it, the dance at work will gel. Gel in your mind.

Place both of their faces together in your female mind. Women miss very little.

How did they react and talk to each other. Do you remember coy smiles, joking, poking.

A quick hand gentle on each others backs? Sitting alone and talking?

Did they consult often? On things outside "their separate" work duties.

Finding excuses to be with each other? To be within eyesight of each other?

Being together on breaks?

Process it, chill with this thought in your mind and serve the jiggly jello it to dear Mary.

It is all "there". Do you want to take Mary "there"? Would you want her to do the same for you, if the tables were reversed?

The women is likely a wreck, she is.. "The Wreck of the Mary Deare". Her marriage is a deathtrap of rattling rivets.

Console her mind. It is adrift in an unkind sea. You know this. Helping her will help you.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #12 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 07:13 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

You don't know anything, stay out of it, why are you looking for problems when there aren't any. If she wants a friend, then she has to be honest enough to say so.
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post #13 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 07:23 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

This is exactly why I am NOT on Facebook!
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post #14 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 07:29 PM
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

This is at your office. If you want to stay out of this (and if you are smart you do!), you can say that you are worried that getting involved in this sort of discussion could cause all sorts of HR related problems (which it could!).
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post #15 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 07:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Being pumped for info by BS?

@SunCMars I didn't know they would go to lunch until after the rumors about the affair started after Susie quit. I never saw them together. Due to his position and hers, they did talk. I never saw anything out of the ordinary. He's a friendly, jokey guy with everyone so to even see them joking around wouldn't have set off any bells. I was pretty shocked when I was told who it was. I wouldn't have guessed.

The night before thanksgiving when we went out, there was one of the guys from the shop there. He's new to town and new to our work. Black guy with green eyes. Susie was talking to him when I walked up to the bar to get a drink so I introduced myself to him, he seemed friendly. That's when I saw his eyes. I love the green eye/dark skin combo. It looks so.....mesmerizing(?) to me. So anyway, I just said "you have really pretty eyes" (I have green eyes so I tend to compliment them) and turned to walk away. Keep in mind I was separated at this time and my female coworkers knew it, but they also knew I wasn't looking. Plus I didn't mean it in a suggestive way. Just a compliment. Susie almost seemed possessive when I said that. She said "oh I KNOW! Aren't they GORGEOUS??" And slid closer to him. I remember thinking it was weird but I'd also had quite a bit to drink so I didn't know if I was overthinking it. So I went on about my way. When I heard she quit because of an affair, that was the first thing that popped into my head. Apparently Susie must just be a lot more flirty than I knew before that night.

If she's digging for info it's kind of brazen considering I work with her husband. He was on my kickball team in the fall. We've always been friendly. We're the same age so it's kind of made sense that we have similar interests in friendly stuff we've talked about at work. For all she knows, I could be chummy? Or.....maybe she has heard about my husband and realizes somehow that I haven't really spoken much to Bob since this all went down.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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