Need some heartfelt words to help someone

CantePe · 12-23-2011, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

I can find out her information but doing so will require me to break the law. Admittedly the chances of being caught are slim but I would rather not risk it. Even if caught I probably wouldn't face jail time but I would lose my job at the very least. As much as I'd like to help this woman I'm not risking my job or my liberty to do so.

I am not the other OM. I love my wife too much to do to her what was done to me 20 years ago. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone and I felt I got off easy considering she'd ended it before telling me. I "only" had to deal with the aftermath.

I misunderstood what you meant. OBVIOUSLY if it's illegal, will cost you your job and your freedom it's a no brainer there. I thought the situation was either online friend whom you had more detailed info about (and with this day and age, getting the email of a spouse from someone else's facebook is easy to be honest) or a face to face friend or coworker that you had more detailed info on that what you do have.

My apologies, if you can't access the info without breaking the law and such I can completely understand the fact that you hesitate to do so.

bryanp · 12-23-2011, 01:37 PM

I think if she read that letter and continue with the affair then she is a total lost cause.

Beowulf · 12-23-2011, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantePe

I misunderstood what you meant. OBVIOUSLY if it's illegal, will cost you your job and your freedom it's a no brainer there. I thought the situation was either online friend whom you had more detailed info about (and with this day and age, getting the email of a spouse from someone else's facebook is easy to be honest) or a face to face friend or coworker that you had more detailed info on that what you do have.

My apologies, if you can't access the info without breaking the law and such I can completely understand the fact that you hesitate to do so.

No apologies necessary. I wasn't clear up front.

Beowulf · 12-23-2011, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bryanp

I think if she read that letter and continue with the affair then she is a total lost cause.

I tend to agree with you bryan. In a strange way she wouldn't have confided in me if I wasn't posting here on TAM. When we were talking I mentioned some things and that is when she came clean. I thought initially her disclosure was her way of asking me for help but as we continued to speak I realized she was too foggy to really hear me. That's why I asked for some ideas of what to say because I was and I guess still am hopeful that she's reaching out.

Sindo · 12-23-2011, 09:46 PM

Whenever people talk about the perils of cheating the first thing brought up is always the risk of being caught. But the damage caused by an affair is so much more than that.

Concentrate on the other effects of an affair. The emotional distance created in her marriage, which is inevitable as she forms new connections with another man. The type of person she becomes to keep the affair going. The fact that her husband gave his heart to her and trusts her blindly, and she treats it like it means nothing.

The more time she spends with the OM, the less time she has for her marriage. That means less time to build intimacy with her husband and provide the support he needs at this most difficult time.

Another point you may want to bring up is that this is like an addiction. The longer it goes on the harder it will be for her to stop. When her husband's situation improves, she likely won't quit. She'll find new reasons for continuing her affairs. I see her becoming a serial cheater.

I think I read in another post of yours that your wife came clean on her own. What's her take on this?

Beowulf · 12-23-2011, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sindo

Whenever people talk about the perils of cheating the first thing brought up is always the risk of being caught. But the damage caused by an affair is so much more than that.

Concentrate on the other effects of an affair. The emotional distance created in her marriage, which is inevitable as she forms new connections with another man. The type of person she becomes to keep the affair going. The fact that her husband gave his heart to her and trusts her blindly, and she treats it like it means nothing.

The more time she spends with the OM, the less time she has for her marriage. That means less time to build intimacy with her husband and provide the support he needs at this most difficult time.

Another point you may want to bring up is that this is like an addiction. The longer it goes on the harder it will be for her to stop. When her husband's situation improves, she likely won't quit. She'll find new reasons for continuing her affairs. I see her becoming a serial cheater.

I think I read in another post of yours that your wife came clean on her own. What's her take on this?

My wife wrote a letter to this woman and told her how breaking free of the affair was one of the hardest things she has ever done. She literally felt addicted to the behavior and even though she wanted to stop she couldn't do it. Then one day as she was leaving to go meet him she stopped for a moment to watch me playing with our son. She had an epiphany and knew right then and there she had to find the strength to end it. She did and then came clean that night.

She also explained in the letter how the longer it went on the more and more guilt built up until it felt like she was choking on it. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and she felt like every breath would be her last. She said part of the reason she found it hard to end it was that the OM was the only other person who knew what was going on and she felt relieved to be able to talk to him about it. She also said the guilt fueled their passion when they were together. I didn't like to hear that but I needed to hear it.

She said when she told me and saw the look in my eyes she wished she had died. She said if she could travel back in time she would have killed her cheating self rather than allow it to happen. She said she has lived with that hole in her heart for 20 years and it's only filled when I hold her hand.

This was the essence of the letter she wrote to this woman. I know it made an emotional impact because her eyes teared up when she read it. But I don't know if it was enough. That's why I was hoping to get some ideas here. I was the clueless husband and while I had to deal with the aftermath I didn't have to endure the pain of the discovery of an ongoing affair. I wanted to bring that aspect of the story to her as well.

Thor · 12-23-2011, 10:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

I can find out her information but doing so will require me to break the law. Admittedly the chances of being caught are slim but I would rather not risk it.

I wouldn't break the law either. There are many ways to track down a spouse which are legal but which may cost a little bit of $. Lots of websites will give home addresses and the names of everyone living there. There are car registration records by license plate number, so if the car she drives is registered in her husband's name (or co-registered in his name) you can find his name that way.

I bet for way less than $100 you could find his name and address. Maybe even for free or for a $2 fee.

morituri · 12-23-2011, 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

My wife wrote a letter to this woman and told her how breaking free of the affair was one of the hardest things she has ever done. She literally felt addicted to the behavior and even though she wanted to stop she couldn't do it. Then one day as she was leaving to go meet him she stopped for a moment to watch me playing with our son. She had an epiphany and knew right then and there she had to find the strength to end it. She did and then came clean that night.

She also explained in the letter how the longer it went on the more and more guilt built up until it felt like she was choking on it. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and she felt like every breath would be her last. She said part of the reason she found it hard to end it was that the OM was the only other person who knew what was going on and she felt relieved to be able to talk to him about it. She also said the guilt fueled their passion when they were together. I didn't like to hear that but I needed to hear it.

She said when she told me and saw the look in my eyes she wished she had died. She said if she could travel back in time she would have killed her cheating self rather than allow it to happen. She said she has lived with that hole in her heart for 20 years and it's only filled when I hold her hand.

This was the essence of the letter she wrote to this woman. I know it made an emotional impact because her eyes teared up when she read it. But I don't know if it was enough. That's why I was hoping to get some ideas here. I was the clueless husband and while I had to deal with the aftermath I didn't have to endure the pain of the discovery of an ongoing affair. I wanted to bring that aspect of the story to her as well.

Well done Mr and Mrs Beowulf.

I truly hope that this woman reads your wife's letter many times over and finally chooses to end her affair once and for all.

oldmittens · 03-23-2012, 11:42 PM

What happened after with this women did she end the affair.

AngryandUsed · 03-23-2012, 11:59 PM

Beowulf,

She should have got counseling for her husband rather than seeking sex outside.

She is now tainted. Moral compass is off.

Ask her to fess up.

AU

Beowulf · 03-24-2012, 08:16 AM

I should have updated this thread. Sorry.

After I gave her my wife's letter I waited a few days before I talked to her again. Although she said she knew what she was doing was wrong I got the feeling that she was not going to stop her affair. I told her that I had said all I was going to say and that until she ended her affair I didn't feel comfortable being around her anymore. That was the last time we spoke.

I understand from a mutual acquaintance that her husband did find out about her affair and since he was unemployed he decided to move back to where his family lives. They are separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I also understand she went to the OM after this all happened but predictably he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. I hear she is alone and not doing well. I've thought about reaching out to help her a couple of times but decided against it. The temptation to say I told you so would be too great and now that she is vulnerable and alone I don't want her becoming attached to me.

chapparal · 03-24-2012, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

I should have updated this thread. Sorry.

After I gave her my wife's letter I waited a few days before I talked to her again. Although she said she knew what she was doing was wrong I got the feeling that she was not going to stop her affair. I told her that I had said all I was going to say and that until she ended her affair I didn't feel comfortable being around her anymore. That was the last time we spoke.

I understand from a mutual acquaintance that her husband did find out about her affair and since he was unemployed he decided to move back to where his family lives. They are separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I also understand she went to the OM after this all happened but predictably he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. I hear she is alone and not doing well. I've thought about reaching out to help her a couple of times but decided against it. The temptation to say I told you so would be too great and now that she is vulnerable and alone I don't want her becoming attached to me.

And the script plays it self out again. Very,very sad.

Initfortheduration · 03-24-2012, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

I should have updated this thread. Sorry.

After I gave her my wife's letter I waited a few days before I talked to her again. Although she said she knew what she was doing was wrong I got the feeling that she was not going to stop her affair. I told her that I had said all I was going to say and that until she ended her affair I didn't feel comfortable being around her anymore. That was the last time we spoke.

I understand from a mutual acquaintance that her husband did find out about her affair and since he was unemployed he decided to move back to where his family lives. They are separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I also understand she went to the OM after this all happened but predictably he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. I hear she is alone and not doing well. I've thought about reaching out to help her a couple of times but decided against it. The temptation to say I told you so would be too great and now that she is vulnerable and alone I don't want her becoming attached to me.

Maybe Morrigan can contact, and encourage her? But yeah, you definitely don't want to counsel her anymore.

bryanp · 03-24-2012, 11:03 AM

Most of the time they always play out like this. It is like watching a slow train wreck destroying everything in its path. You did the best you could to help her. What I will never understand is why the cheating spouse believes that automatically the betrayed spouse if and when they find out will forgive them and everything will be fine after a period of time. The opposite if of course true. The majority of time the betrayed spouse will leave and or never forgive. How can the cheating spouse not realize this?

morituri · 03-24-2012, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bryanp

Most of the time they always play out like this. It is like watching a slow train wreck destroying everything in its path. You did the best you could to help her. What I will never understand is why the cheating spouse believes that automatically the betrayed spouse if and when they find out will forgive them and everything will be fine after a period of time. The opposite if of course true. The majority of time the betrayed spouse will leave and or never forgive. How can the cheating spouse not realize this?

Because the cheating spouse chooses to ignore that outcome in ordet to enjoy him/herself and when the affair is revealed, they are finally hit with the magnitude of their betrayal and go into panic mode to desperately save what they have destroyed.