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post #136 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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then put everything on hold until after the 2nd test come back, there's no reason to get yourself upset and disrupt your relationship with your wife until then....all your doing is expending energy that should be focused on her health and your well-being...come back then, and then with an answer you can move forward one way or another. you have received good advice should the answer be positive, but if is negative, then move forward with your lives.


These possible infidelity events are in the fairly deep past. There is no evidence to be found now which would clarify those past events. No credit card receipts from a hotel bar, no text messages left on her phone, etc. There's nothing productive for you to do to try to get to the truth of whether there was an affair other than wait for the next test results.

If it does come back positive, there is plenty of time to figure out a plan of action.

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post #137 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

70% of cervical cancer is caused by HPV other than what your wife has but she is still at high risk, just not as high as many other forms. 80% of sexually active adults have one form of HPV. It is as common as the cold. Luckily the most common forms are not cancer producing. I had one of the types that caused genital warts and passed it on to my wife. That was 25 years ago and neither of us has shown any recurrence and none of our sexual partners have gotten any genital warts from us. I guess we are lucky. I cannot say who I got it from since it can lay dormant or not even show symptoms in some. I think I got it from a married women who was leaving her husband but did not know he was cheating. She swore she had no symptoms. I did have sex with a girlfriend I had before I married and she had sex with several different guys a week so perhaps I got it from her.

Just have your wife checked regularly. My wife never asked me where I got it from. I never told. We were not exactly monogamous and had a don't tell, don't ask policy. In fact, she could have gotten it first for all I know. So we just got treated and that was the end of it. Her yearly checkups with her gyno show no problems. Hope it works out for you and don't try to place blame on your wife. It will not help your marriage or change anything. If she was cheating, she will not do so again. I know that I stopped having sex with other women after I got it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #138 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
If the tests come back positive again, I will probably start the conversation there and see where it leads us.
You should come here before you talk to your wife if the tests come back positive. There are productive ways to have the conversation, and there are bad ways to approach it.

My take on it is you want to stay with her even if it turns out she cheated in the past. The approach in this case will be different than if she were currently cheating but you wanted to save the marriage, and it will be different than if you would dump her if you find out she cheated many years ago. So don't jump the gun and confront her if the test is positive. And you can torpedo things by being too Nice, too.

Also, a positive test is not proof positive of an affair even if the other evidence suggests it.
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post #139 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:51 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

The thing of most suspicion to me here is that the idea was floated that the HPV was contracted by cheating yet it seems the wife hasn't put on any pressure that it came from the husband and that since she has not cheated, it must be from him. It was the opposite.... this is almost like a defacto admission of guilt. A wife that really hadn't cheated, that got diagnosed with an STD, would be extremely suspicious of the husband. Her lack of suspicion there is the biggest red flag in this story. What / how much grilling has she done of the OP egarding him being the source of the STD?

Did OP attend the appointments to hear the results first hand? Have you seen a copy of the actual test result? Do you know for sure that there is a second test to confirm what as already reported?

Regarding the door, I agree that even being behind a closed door when no other adult was in the house is very suspicious. I would have found it very strange to find my wife in a room with another man with the door closed, let alone locked.

What kind of lock was it, one that opens simply by turning the handle from the inside, doesn't seem that hard to open... or if it was a deadbolt, seems like it would be pretty obvious that someone locked it.
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post #140 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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It was the opposite.... this is almost like a defacto admission of guilt. A wife that really hadn't cheated, that got diagnosed with an STD, would be extremely suspicious of the husband. Her lack of suspicion there is the biggest red flag in this story.
Excellent points! I completely agree. If I knew I hadn't cheated, I would raise holy hell with my partner if I suddenly ended up with an STD.

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post #141 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:37 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Have you brought up the lock door incident to her recently? Is she aware that if infidelity happened during those "tough times" that your willing to forgive her?
Look, its very likely she cheated and if she has any inclination that you're willing to forgive and forget a past affair(years ago), expect a partial confession soon. Odds are.....if she cheated......it was recently.
My advise....stay vigilant and keep your mouth shut!
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post #142 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:56 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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that's the conclusion I eventually came to and I've accepted for a long time.
Surely she would have seen him lock it if that was the case?
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post #143 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 10:18 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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My advise....stay vigilant and keep your mouth shut!
Yes, keep your mouth shut! Wait for the next results. Then contemplate your next moves privately and discuss options here for some experienced viewpoints.
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post #144 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:55 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Regarding the 2nd test....

If its a false positive then great. If that is good enough for you then just move on and live your life.

If it is not a false positive, then might I suggest a polygraph. I know that may sound all Law & Order like, but hear me out. What better way to kick this elephant out of the room? One simple question, one answer, and your concerns are addressed.

"Have you had any intimate and/or sexual contact of any kind, with anyone, other than your husband since being married?"

This would put all the questions regarding the locked door, personal trainer, etc etc, to rest.

Yes, she could be offended by the suggestion. Or she could view it as an easy way to put all this whole "did something happen" question behind her.

FYI...my wife and I have a very similar backstory to yours. And I can guarantee you if either of us had a verified STD related issue then a poly would be on the menu. If fact, if I had anything show up, I would insist on getting a poly just to reassure my wife that there was nothing to worry about.

****Also cervical cancer, when caught early, is very treatable with surgery. I know multiple women who had had it addressed this way. Quick procedure, in and out of the hospital in 4-5 hours. And never have to worry about it again.***

Last edited by stillthinking; 03-03-2017 at 12:02 AM.
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post #145 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 02:34 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Forget for a moment that the door was locked. I'm having trouble even understanding why she was behind a closed door with another man. Either he closed it or she did--she certainly noticed it was closed in any case. I can't imagine any married woman I know doing this, especially when her husband is out of the house. To the women I know, allowing it to even happen would be sending an "I'm available" signal.
With OP not home one would close the door to keep out children who have woken from a nap prematurely and are looking for Mom. And young children do babble about what they see.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #146 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:58 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
So you are standing behind the door. Literally BANGING on it and SCREAMING.

They are right on the other side and REFUSE to open. Why don't you THINK for a second.

WHY would anyone need a minute to open the door if you are knocking and they KNOW its you.

I can think of only ONE answer Sherlock. TO PUT THEIR CLOTHES BACK ON. Stop being so damn NIAVE.



Some acts don't require total nudity.

Think Bill and Monica

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #147 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 04:06 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

And, most guys would be laughing, or grinning, after.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #148 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 04:40 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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These possible infidelity events are in the fairly deep past. There is no evidence to be found now which would clarify those past events. No credit card receipts from a hotel bar, no text messages left on her phone, etc. There's nothing productive for you to do to try to get to the truth of whether there was an affair other than wait for the next test results.

If it does come back positive, there is plenty of time to figure out a plan of action.
When my wife was doing her thing, there were no receipts and such....it just didn't feel right. You try and convince yourself you are jumping at shadows, but deep down you know you're not.

If the HPV test itself was the issue that's one thing, but if OP has had misgivings for a while, and the HPV test was the catalyst to think about them, then the thoughts won't subside. Or they wouldn't (didn't) for me.

We don't have all the details about the locked door, but based on what we have it doesn't add up. Talking about it here might turn up the genuine and innocent explanation that puts the issue to bed, if there is one. On the other hand, if the wife was lying, the lie will have been improvised in a hurry, and it won't stand detailed scrutiny.
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post #149 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

I think the key lies in the details from this locked door incident. I'd like more details.

However, if you feel that you would forgive because at the time your marriage was crappy and you would expect infidelity, why not just assume it happened and leave it at that? I can GUARANTEE thinking that you can accept it and then actually hearing details that it happened is much, much worse.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #150 of 613 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by Malaise View Post
Some acts don't require total nudity.

Think Bill and Monica
Or him pulling up his pants and her fixing her disheveled hair, same difference.

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Originally Posted by Malaise View Post
And, most guys would be laughing, or grinning, after.
My thoughts exactly.

OM's thoughts, "It's hilarious this fool doesn't realize his wife was just sucking me off!"

Hope the wife didn't give you a big fat smooch later on that day @FortheRecord.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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