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post #151 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

when I pressed for details my wife admitted that even when they thought they had (his) house to themselves, they still locked the bedroom door. almost a subconscious expression of "this is wrong". Further to @Malaise comment, if a quick hookup is all they have time for, in my wife's case that frequently meant just going down on him.

That's not evidence either way, but I mention it as a way of saying that many who have chimed in here are not speculating blindly but are instead relating the striking parallels to their own experiences. I don't think you're off base for immediately going there.

Second, I mention this whenever talking to somebody about suspicions. If you're normally a pretty even-keeled guy who isn't bothered by your wife's interactions with other guys, if your gut feeling/jealousy alarms start going off ... PAY ATTENTION. The gut feeling is a valid intuition, especially when dealing with a spouse who you know so well who doesn't set it off otherwise.

If your gut feeling was going off back then, and you have it now, but you haven't spent the rest of your marriage being suspicious... again, it's not evidence... but it sure as hell shouldn't be written off as "just paranoia" either. And I say that as someone who did exactly that and ultimately had my worst fears confirmed.

I hope that's not the case for you, fingers crossed.

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post #152 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

I came back to post because I was lucky enough to catch a HPV thread on another site where a BS asked her OBGYN what the chance was of her or her WH having HPV dormant for almost 20 years versus him getting it from an OW. Her doctor said it was a 2% chance of it laying dormant for that long. If your marriage has gone on for longer or your wife really believes she could have gotten it from her mother, that chance is even smaller. There's a 98%+ that she was exposed much sooner while married to you. Keep that in mind when the next test comes back.

I'd also like to second both re16's and primrose's posts. Her lack of suspicions about you cheating are mind boggling. I also thought it was very odd that the doctors are ordering all of these tests and a colonoscopy if they weren't even sure she has HPV. It sounds like they already know and are looking for signs of cervical cancer. Hope for the best with test #2 but prepare for the worst. The odds aren't in your favor.
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post #153 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by re16 View Post
The thing of most suspicion to me here is that the idea was floated that the HPV was contracted by cheating yet it seems the wife hasn't put on any pressure that it came from the husband and that since she has not cheated, it must be from him. It was the opposite.... this is almost like a defacto admission of guilt. A wife that really hadn't cheated, that got diagnosed with an STD, would be extremely suspicious of the husband. Her lack of suspicion there is the biggest red flag in this story. What / how much grilling has she done of the OP egarding him being the source of the STD?

Did OP attend the appointments to hear the results first hand? Have you seen a copy of the actual test result? Do you know for sure that there is a second test to confirm what as already reported?

Regarding the door, I agree that even being behind a closed door when no other adult was in the house is very suspicious. I would have found it very strange to find my wife in a room with another man with the door closed, let alone locked.

What kind of lock was it, one that opens simply by turning the handle from the inside, doesn't seem that hard to open... or if it was a deadbolt, seems like it would be pretty obvious that someone locked it.
So, it was my wife's reaction I think that triggered my suspicion... the challenge is that there is so much going on that I don't know how to read what's she saying.

When she called me on the way home from the doctor's office, she started crying and talked initially about her fear of the results..... She thought they were looking exclusively for cancer I guess. then she mentioned the HPV and we talked briefly about what the implied. I left work immediately and met her at the house and we talked for a few hours...
First about the possibility of cancer... I did some research and that allayed both of our fears. As Primrose mentioned, it's highly unlikely cervical cancer would be result of this test, it's far more likely a condition called CIN or displasia (sp?) would be the result which would indicate a higher risk for cancer in the future and more frequent check ups.

No I never saw the test results, I only know what she told me and then what I found in my research.

Then we talked about HPV and where it could have come from. She was scared, distraught... at first all I could think was that she thought I had cheated. I spent a while reassuring her that was not now nor ever the case. I offered the polygraph... to get tested which turned out to be impossible.... then as we spoke, it struck me that she wasn't interrogating me... she wasn't angry, she was just scared....
She did say several times that no one other than me and her doctor's have ever touched her genitals... her specific words. Later in the conversation, I mentioned the troubles we'd had all those years ago and I specifically said that if something had happened there, I would want to know and that I would forgive her...
At the end of the conversation she offered, and I agreed, that we would agree to trust each other and not discuss it further until the results came back.

I've though about it a lot since Tuesday... I look at her acceptance in a couple of ways I suppose
1) She's scared about the medical test result
2) She trusts me and expects me to trust her
3) She's scared that I screwed up and she doesn't want to pursue it ... she's rug sweeping
4) She screwed up and hopes that I'll let the matter drop.

Against the advice I've received on this forum, I did try to discuss last night broadly the issues we had all those years ago. I thought I was approaching it softly. She stopped me and reminded me that we'd agreed to let the matter drop until the tests came back. So I dropped it.
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post #154 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by Tobyboy View Post
Have you brought up the lock door incident to her recently? Is she aware that if infidelity happened during those "tough times" that your willing to forgive her?
Look, its very likely she cheated and if she has any inclination that you're willing to forgive and forget a past affair(years ago), expect a partial confession soon. Odds are.....if she cheated......it was recently.
My advise....stay vigilant and keep your mouth shut!
Haven't spoken to her about it in 14+ years. Pretty much forgot about it until Tuesday.
I did specifically say Tuesday that if something happened during that period that I would probably be forgiving.

I should note, in case it's been missed, that if something did happen with that guy either in the locked room or sometime before or after, if not just my forgiveness she would be worried about.

He was the husband of her best friend. He was my friend because we all hung out together all the time going back to highschool. They still are very close. He's a scumbag but obviously, based on his conquests, he's very charming and had no compunction about messing around with married women. His was not the only marriage he ended.
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post #155 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by Thor View Post
You should come here before you talk to your wife if the tests come back positive. There are productive ways to have the conversation, and there are bad ways to approach it.

My take on it is you want to stay with her even if it turns out she cheated in the past. The approach in this case will be different than if she were currently cheating but you wanted to save the marriage, and it will be different than if you would dump her if you find out she cheated many years ago. So don't jump the gun and confront her if the test is positive. And you can torpedo things by being too Nice, too.

Also, a positive test is not proof positive of an affair even if the other evidence suggests it.
The fact is that after almost 30 years together, I can't imagine life without her. The prospect is terrifying...it would be for her as well... which may account for her reaction Tuesday. I know I'd survive but I don't know how. I'm am praying that all this worry is for nothing.
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post #156 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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She stopped me and reminded me that we'd agreed to let the matter drop until the tests came back. So I dropped it.
Speaking as someone who was lied to extensively, I gotta say I DO NOT like that reaction. Again, it's not proof of anything, but my immediate parsing of that statement is that she's saying: "Let me see how much damage control I'm going to have to do before we start talking about this, if the results come back negative then I can just keep saying it was nothing."

I'm not exactly an impartial observer in matters like this though.
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post #157 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
I think the key lies in the details from this locked door incident. I'd like more details.

However, if you feel that you would forgive because at the time your marriage was crappy and you would expect infidelity, why not just assume it happened and leave it at that? I can GUARANTEE thinking that you can accept it and then actually hearing details that it happened is much, much worse.
I believe you which is why I keep saying that I THINK I want to know.
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post #158 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by nekonamida View Post
I came back to post because I was lucky enough to catch a HPV thread on another site where a BS asked her OBGYN what the chance was of her or her WH having HPV dormant for almost 20 years versus him getting it from an OW. Her doctor said it was a 2% chance of it laying dormant for that long. If your marriage has gone on for longer or your wife really believes she could have gotten it from her mother, that chance is even smaller. There's a 98%+ that she was exposed much sooner while married to you. Keep that in mind when the next test comes back.

I'd also like to second both re16's and primrose's posts. Her lack of suspicions about you cheating are mind boggling. I also thought it was very odd that the doctors are ordering all of these tests and a colonoscopy if they weren't even sure she has HPV. It sounds like they already know and are looking for signs of cervical cancer. Hope for the best with test #2 but prepare for the worst. The odds aren't in your favor.
I was diagnosed with low risk HPV a few years ago, after almost 30 years of marriage. My GYN said the same - that the chances of it laying dormant from the time before I met my H and now was next to impossible. I knew by then that my H had cheated, we both know that he gave it to me. I have been through a lot of worry that it would develop into cancer, not to mention the incredible pain associated with the colposcopy test. I remember laying on the examination table after I had almost passed out from the pain, thinking that I would never forgive him for putting me through this. We have moved on in many ways from his long ago affairs, though we are by no means fully reconciled. But that diagnosis still lingers in my mind as the most incredibly selfish thing he has ever done to me.

Both of you need to be completely honest and not just with each other. If she made a mistake a long time ago with the player, it's not just her health that may be affected, but every other woman he had sex with.
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post #159 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:43 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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If she's already had the colposcopy, then she does, indeed, have HPV. The colposcopy just determines how much dysplasia/abnormal growth is in the abnormal cells and if further treatment is necessary. Luckily mine was caught before it could turn high risk and ended up resolving without needing further treatment after the colpo. I pray your wife's does the same.
QFT.
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post #160 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Something that did just occur to me in this discussion...

I wasn't at the Doctor's office and I never saw the results. She had no reason to share that she had HPV with me if she had been unfaithful... unless she thought that I might be infected and get warts or something related I guess.

Maybe that's a positive sign?

The response to that is that my doctor is a long term friend of us both and if something did develop, she might be trying to do damage control ahead of time... but that seems unlikely.... I really will drive myself nuts I think

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post #161 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

"If she's already had the colposcopy, then she does, indeed, have HPV. The colposcopy just determines how much dysplasia/abnormal growth is in the abnormal cells and if further treatment is necessary. Luckily mine was caught before it could turn high risk and ended up resolving without needing further treatment after the colpo. I pray your wife's does the same."

This statement confuses me. What I got was that it could be a false positive and they were going to do a second test.

Tuesday was definitely the colposcopy and those results are coming in a week. I'll probably plan to be in the office with her when she gets them.
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post #162 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post

I've though about it a lot since Tuesday... I look at her acceptance in a couple of ways I suppose
1) She's scared about the medical test result
2) She trusts me and expects me to trust her
3) She's scared that I screwed up and she doesn't want to pursue it ... she's rug sweeping
4) She screwed up and hopes that I'll let the matter drop.
1 - Seems to me anyone worried about a medical test that didn't have anything to hide would still want to discuss the possibilities. When I was screened for cancer my wife and I talked about it constantly until we got the results.

2 - She trusts you because she knows you did nothing wrong. She expects you to trust her for the opposite reason.

3 - Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. 'Nuf said.

4 - Yes, or she's buying some breathing room until the **** hits the fan.
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post #163 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
So, that did happen... meaning I took the door down. I was very angry, she was very embarrassed and my friend, at the time, laughed it off. At the time, I would say it did not help my relationship with my wife other than to point out how seriously I felt about her being alone with other men in compromising situations. I had several very intense discussions with him after some of the other things he did.... and we are no longer friends. He moved into a small camper when his wife threw him out and few if any of his old friends have anything to do with him. That's all I'll say about that.
Hey Forrest.

She cheated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
As for the rest, I don't know how to respond. I will not destroy my marriage without some evidence just because I think something might have happened. I will not rant and scream at the mother of my children without reason. If that makes me a Beta-Male, then fine. I prefer to think of it as thoughtful considering the situation before taking action, if there's action to be taken.
LOL...

She's spent years lying to you about this. Do you honestly think she's going to tell the truth now?

She was alone w/ another man on the other side of a locked door.

What more evidence do you really need?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #164 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
Something that did just occur to me in this discussion...

I wasn't at the Doctor's office and I never saw the results. She had no reason to share that she had HPV with me if she had been unfaithful... unless she thought that I might be infected and get warts or something related I guess.

Maybe that's a positive sign?

The response to that is that my doctor is a long term friend of us both and if something did develop, she might be trying to do damage control ahead of time... but that seems unlikely.... I really will drive myself nuts I think
What happened to Sherlock Holmes?

Fact 1: You have not seen nor discussed the tests with a Doctor. All you have is what your wife has been willing to tell you. So why are you looking to dismiss/accept that which you have been told? Nothing but words.


Have her sign a HIPA form listing you as a person who has access to her medical records. If she refuses to allow this then you have your answer about if she is trustworthy or not.

Go to the Doctor with her and ask questions of the Doctor.

"Does my wife have HPV?"

"Could she have gotten that from her mother or some way other than sex?"
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post #165 of 693 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
"If she's already had the colposcopy, then she does, indeed, have HPV. The colposcopy just determines how much dysplasia/abnormal growth is in the abnormal cells and if further treatment is necessary. Luckily mine was caught before it could turn high risk and ended up resolving without needing further treatment after the colpo. I pray your wife's does the same."

This statement confuses me. What I got was that it could be a false positive and they were going to do a second test.

Tuesday was definitely the colposcopy and those results are coming in a week. I'll probably plan to be in the office with her when she gets them.
I haven't read back to see what the time frame is for your situation, but if they are ordering the colposcopy right away for your wife, then I would think that they suspect it's high risk. I'm confused myself because the GYN should have been able to tell your wife if her pap smear indicated high or low risk HPV. There's an important distinction between the two and a different protocol.

The HPV virus I had was initially identified in a pap smear. Luckily, the tests came back as showing that it was the low risk kind. This kind especially is very common, my GYN likened it to a cold. The protocol for low risk is to wait a year and see if it's cleared itself from the body naturally. If not, a colposcopy is ordered, which is exactly what happened to me. My results from that procedure indicated another year of wait and see. By the second year, the virus had finally cleared.
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