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post #166 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 02:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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QFT.
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Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
Speaking as someone who was lied to extensively, I gotta say I DO NOT like that reaction. Again, it's not proof of anything, but my immediate parsing of that statement is that she's saying: "Let me see how much damage control I'm going to have to do before we start talking about this, if the results come back negative then I can just keep saying it was nothing."

I'm not exactly an impartial observer in matters like this though.
I hear you as I hear the others on posting here that are looking for specific malicious intent.

I've known this woman for my entire adult life. We've been through everything together.
richer and poorer, sickness and health... birth of children, loss of parents, success and lots of failure.

I can accept that she made a mistake, or several mistakes, years ago that she doesn't want to tell me about.
I can't accept that she's ill willed and deceitful to the level suggested by some folks here.
I'm not stupid and I have to believe that i would have detected if in her heart she was that kind of person.
Again, I also understand that it's possible knowing well a guy that was just that for decades before the depth of his deceit was revealed. His wife is still finding out about things he did going back years and years. I know it's possible... I just don't accept it's currently very likely.

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post #167 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

I think that she is scared of the medical tests and the potential for cancer as well as the how she contracted the STD.
So she has the double whammy of needing your help and support in case the cancer is present at the same time that her infidelity is brought to light.

You know it wasn't thru infidelity on your part. Since she didn't ask, she may have the idea that she has contracted it from either the OM from the locked room or trainer or whomever. At this point I would not take the statement that no one but you and the doctor handling her genitals to the bank...trying to head off any suspicion on your part. Good chance it's not true.

Waiting for the test results give her time to research STD HPV etc. and decide (if she cheated) how she will deal with that.

OTOH Let's hope it was a false positive.
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post #168 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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I haven't read back to see what the time frame is for your situation, but if they are ordering the colposcopy right away for your wife, then I would think that they suspect it's high risk. I'm confused myself because the GYN should have been able to tell your wife if her pap smear indicated high or low risk HPV. There's an important distinction between the two and a different protocol.

The HPV virus I had was initially identified in a pap smear. Luckily, the tests came back as showing that it was the low risk kind. This kind especially is very common, my GYN likened it to a cold. The protocol for low risk is to wait a year and see if it's cleared itself from the body naturally. If not, a colposcopy is ordered, which is exactly what happened to me. My results from that procedure indicated another year of wait and see. By the second year, the virus had finally cleared.
Just a brief summation so you don't have to read the entire thread.

My wife had an abnormal result in her annual exam 6 months ago.
2/3 weeks ago she had a followup during which I guess they tested for HPV (didn't know that at the time)
Tuesday those results came back positive for HPV and, aside from the potential medical concerns, we're trying to figure out how what was describe as an STD came into our marriage.

While not always the best husband, I have always been faithful.
a long time ago (2001/2002) we had severe marital issues caused by her depression and my insecurities and job situation.
During that time, I thought she was spending too much time alone with certain guys and she thought I was a jealous, untrusting jerk... which, even if she was unfaithful is still probably true.

After that period we worked hard on our marriage, fully reconciled and for the past 8+ years have been, for the most part, very happily married.

So, where did this HPV come from. I did not cheat. My father cheated on my mother extensively and destroyed our family and I have been almost obsessive about not even allowing myself to be in a compromising situation where i could be tempted. My wife, was less careful though, to be honest, at the time and since, she simply said that she didn't think about and was never tempted. Still, one of the improvements we worked on was listening to the other and considering something important just because the other felt it was, regardless what we personally thought... meaning, this is important to me just because it's important to you. That helped relieve my insecurities/jealousy.... and the message was further driven home when one of the guys she so carelessly hung around with during the troubled times turned out to be a serial adulterer who much later specifically hit on her.

So where did the HPV come from... is it a false positive.... could it have been dormant and undetected for 30+ years....
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post #169 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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I hear you as I hear the others on posting here that are looking for specific malicious intent.

I've known this woman for my entire adult life. We've been through everything together.
richer and poorer, sickness and health... birth of children, loss of parents, success and lots of failure.

I can accept that she made a mistake, or several mistakes, years ago that she doesn't want to tell me about.
I can't accept that she's ill willed and deceitful to the level suggested by some folks here.
I'm not stupid and I have to believe that i would have detected if in her heart she was that kind of person.
Again, I also understand that it's possible knowing well a guy that was just that for decades before the depth of his deceit was revealed. His wife is still finding out about things he did going back years and years. I know it's possible... I just don't accept it's currently very likely.
It is much more likely that she did cheat on you (if the HPV is real) than any other explanation by 10000x. Most men never find out their cheating W actually did the deed. Using your own words, you are stupid enough to miss the signs. Most men are, unless the W gets attached to the AP. I am not saying for sure she cheated, but if she does have HPV, the probability of it being anything else, but cheating is very low relative to the probability it was cheating. YOU NEED TO START PREPARING FOR THE WORST.

It is very easy for liars to lie and deceive the one they love for years. Read any threads on here, it happens all the time to people who feel just like you, until they find out the ugly truth that was held from them due to lies and omission of the truth.
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post #170 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Truth bias. We all suffer from it. I never thought my wife was capable of the things she did.

As to her telling you about HPV, that could be trickle truth to start damage control. She was rightfully scared of the possibility of cancer. But HPV would be identified by you in short order as a likely causal factor, which would lead to you asking questions. So, she reveals the HPV in a way which might get you off the scent. Also, I think but am not sure that they would have done the HPV test 6 months ago when they found abnormalities in the PAP smear.

Anyhow, the next results are important on all fronts.

Just remember that anything is possible.
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post #171 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

You said at the time in question that you two were in a sexless or near sexless marriage. Specifically why was that.
Problems in a marriage doesn't mean one doesn't have sex with their spouse. Did she cut you off. The reason I ask is because most women in an affair cut their husbands off if they have found a new man. Since one possible affair partner was married to her best friend, she may have refused to divorce you. Otoh, women going out partying or have sex with other men for kicks and giggles may even increase sex with their husband.

The whole problem with this thread is that there are so many red flags. Even her responses are off.

What is your gut saying after she shot you down when you tried to talk about it again?
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post #172 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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I hear you as I hear the others on posting here that are looking for specific malicious intent.

I've known this woman for my entire adult life. We've been through everything together.
richer and poorer, sickness and health... birth of children, loss of parents, success and lots of failure.
Yea so did I about my wife, never thought the woman I had been thru so much with would ever do that, EVER...but buddy let me tell you, she DID, and people CAN do that because its very very easy to deceive and abuse the trust they know you have in them....people can lie for years and even take secrets to their grave, we are literally taught from day one to hide stuff from our parents, that we know will make them mad at us...think about that, please go see a counselor or therapist, and if they are any good they will explain this to you very easily, it happens all the time. We are human, and we are flawed in different ways...please open your eyes and listen to the people here. I used to feel exactly like you, very naive and innocent thinking, almost in denial.....but I was dead WRONG, and was lied to badly, you deserve the truth and nothing else, dont hide from the truth.
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post #173 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 04:39 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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So, it was my wife's reaction I think that triggered my suspicion... the challenge is that there is so much going on that I don't know how to read what's she saying.


No I never saw the test results, I only know what she told me and then what I found in my research.

Then we talked about HPV and where it could have come from. She was scared, distraught... at first all I could think was that she thought I had cheated. I spent a while reassuring her that was not now nor ever the case. I offered the polygraph... to get tested which turned out to be impossible.... then as we spoke, it struck me that she wasn't interrogating me... she wasn't angry, she was just scared....

At the end of the conversation she offered, and I agreed, that we would agree to trust each other and not discuss it further until the results came back.

So I dropped it.
It seems like she never really pushed to consider that you had cheated and brought the STD into the marriage, you were the one worried she would think that, which makes logical sense... but it seems she wasn't worried, because she knows where the STD really came from.

Agreeing to not discuss it further, let me guess... that was her idea. You shouldn't have agreed to not discuss it, but now you should just say you changed your mind and need to discuss it. She is buying time to think up better lies that you won't be able to poke holes in.

Sometimes these things come up way after the fact, usually after a rug sweeping, it happens.. .I did the same at one point. But when you finally get more perspective on it (like an STD showing up and causing you to re-think through the past scenarios), you have to dig deep to find the truth, or you will question it forever.

You know the guy in question, there is no reason that you don't just go down to his camper and ask him directly what happened. He's a former friend, I'm sure he'd talk to you. Only reason you wouldn't contact him is being scared of what you might find out. I'd ask to see the test results. She can call her doctor and have them sent to her within a day.

Her lack of questioning the source of the STD is a major issue.

The evidence and probability point to cheating. You should switch your mindset to that is what happened and she needs to prove otherwise.
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post #174 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 04:53 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
I hear you as I hear the others on posting here that are looking for specific malicious intent.

I've known this woman for my entire adult life. We've been through everything together.
richer and poorer, sickness and health... birth of children, loss of parents, success and lots of failure.

I can accept that she made a mistake, or several mistakes, years ago that she doesn't want to tell me about.
I can't accept that she's ill willed and deceitful to the level suggested by some folks here.
I'm not stupid and I have to believe that i would have detected if in her heart she was that kind of person.
Again, I also understand that it's possible knowing well a guy that was just that for decades before the depth of his deceit was revealed. His wife is still finding out about things he did going back years and years. I know it's possible... I just don't accept it's currently very likely.
I completely understand what you are saying here. Let's say that maybe, just maybe, she decided to screw another guy way back when for whatever reason. Whether you want to accept responsibility for her actions with your "I wasn't a good husband" story or not, if she did cheat back then you certainly know that she is NOT the same person that she was back then. Neither are you. I believe you when you say that, if she cheated back then, that you would be able to understand and forgive. Maybe so. But what you don't understand is that pretty much every BH in the world did NOT react to the revelation of his wife's infidelity like they thought they would. Most thought that they would dump their wife in a heartbeat if she cheated - yet most don't. They are devastated, they try to understand, the try to reconcile, and then many of them divorce. They just can't get past it. So, maybe you will forgive easily as you say or maybe you won't - but I think either way you have a very realistic view of things.

I believe that all of the evidence you have presented her is proof of her cheating. Maybe only that one time, maybe others. I hope she will come clean with you before this damn test comes back. I mean, what are you to think if there is a one-in-a-gazillion chance that she got this STD from a toilet seat or something. It's like you will know but you pretty much do know but she just sticks to her "I never cheated" story. That's an impossible situation.

Things are likely to get tougher over the next few weeks.....I wish you luck.
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post #175 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

I hate to say it but I think you need to ask her to tell the absolute truth and that if she lies to you you will never forgive her, but you want to know the truth and that you are sure your marriage can make it through. See what she says. My sister got HPV... from a guy that slept with the whole city... it eventually clears your body. So if she is saying she just now got it... that might be a problem of you. If it was from kissing or sex 8 years ago... there is no way she is just finding out about it now. Gynecologists check for it in a pap smear every year. She would have told you about it years ago if it was from years ago. sorry... I think you might want to ask her.

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post #176 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 05:36 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

You said you have kids......what are their ages? I'm sure your wife has voiced concern about the possibility of her passing the virus to them also at birth.......right?
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post #177 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 08:58 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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I can accept that she made a mistake, or several mistakes, years ago that she doesn't want to tell me about.
You're suggesting that it doesn't really matter to you if she was unfaithful. But you've come to us, it seems, to resolve the question of whether she was unfaithful. So does the infidelity matter to you or not?

What is your goal? If you've already forgiven her and just want some honesty from her, that makes perfect sense. But if the potential act of infidelity is still eating away at you, you've got to address that. It's very hard to forgive someone without knowing what you're forgiving.
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post #178 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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You're suggesting that it doesn't really matter to you if she was unfaithful. But you've come to us, it seems, to resolve the question of whether she was unfaithful. So does the infidelity matter to you or not?

What is your goal? If you've already forgiven her and just want some honesty from her, that makes perfect sense. But if the potential act of infidelity is still eating away at you, you've got to address that. It's very hard to forgive someone without knowing what you're forgiving.
Ignore the answer to this question at your own emotional peril.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #179 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:48 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

I think it's time you learned the truth from your wife. Maybe arrange for a counselling and attend together.
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post #180 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Just a note on my suggestion of a polygraph after the 2nd medical test.

She does not seem to want to discuss the issue any further right now. Now there could be lots of reasons for that, most have been covered by other posters here. But it does change things a little bit. If she does not want to talk about it is because she is stalling bad news, then you need to be prepared for something. This: What to do if she refuses to take a poly?

That would be a Hugh red flag. You would know for sure there is more, much more than she is willing to reveal. And in that case what do you do?

You can stick with the "we were in a bad place" narrative and choose to rug sweep. Just move on and try to ignore the unanswered questions that will invariably come up from time to time. Myself I see this option as a slow death. Like boiling a frog.

Or you could demand she take the test by enforcing consequences for not doing so. But you MUST be willing to follow thru on those consequences. If you draw a line in the sand to must stick with it. If you give an inch she will gain the upper-hand as stall you forever. She will also, and I know this sounds strange, lose respect for you. She will view you as weak for giving in. Its just they way women are wired, and any honest woman would tell you that.

So what consequence would you have to employ to get compliance? Well its all about pressure. You find what is important to her and you squeeze. In this case it seems her greatest fear is losing you and the marriage. Now I know this is going to sound extreme but again, hear me out. You must tell her, if she refuses, that to you that is a declaration that she is choosing her secrets over the marriage. And that is unacceptable. And thus you are going to file papers for divorce. And then you must do it. You can always stop the process at any time if she relents. But you must show a strong stance for the marriage to be saved. And I get that this is going to be hard. You seem to have preemptively accepted the blame for her possible cheating. But you must fight that natural desire to be her white knight a save her from the consequences for her actions.

You can forgive whatever she did. That is totally up to you. But you MUST know what it is you are forgiving.
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