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post #16 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:19 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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As I said, they were some legitimate questions.... and we spent a lot of time talking through them. I was satisfied by the end of those discussions that she had been faithful and that, in her words, frankly she never considered cheating and thus didn't take any precautions. Ok After she understood, from my perspective, why I was bothered, she made some changes in the way she dealt with other men in one on one situations. She also better understood why I took such pains in being careful in how I interacted with Women one on one. Our relationship and marriage was more important than even mistaken perceptions. That point was further reinforced when one of the guys she hung out with so carelessly actually hit on her Careless? No calculated. at our house while I wasn't there. When that's guys marriage inevitably ended, his wife found he had been with a number of women player and working your W over the years. My wife realized how she was putting herself and our marriage at risk and she changed.

My wife is very outgoing and friendly and some guys can mistake that for interest. In some ways, despite her intelligence, she is very naive and she simply doesn't consider the way things are perceived. I attribute her actions during that period to naivete, rather than intent. I've known her for almost 30 years and we've essentially grown up together. If something did happen during that time, it would have been unexpected rather than planned... a result of our marriage troubles and interest shown her while we were struggling. ... but I would still want to know.... I think.
Sorry sir, I don't buy your W did nothing.


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post #17 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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In the limited time I've had to do research, I've found that there is a fairly high false positive rate for this test and all this angst may be for nothing. One site quotes that due to the difficulty in detection, they look for any viral markers and, when found in conjunction with abnormal cells, you can get up to a 16% false positive result... meaning that a virus is there but 16% of the time it wasn't HPV or at least one of the STI HPVs. She is getting retested as part of the follow up any way so hopefully those results will give us some clarity.
Buddy do not overthink this situation until you know for sure one way or another.You don't want to be bringing up problems that were sorted out years ago because your wife will lose all trust for you.You accepted her explanation for the previous problems,you can't start throwing them into her face now.If it is all a false alarm you will have done irreparable damage to your marriage.
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post #18 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Buddy do not overthink this situation until you know for sure one way or another.You don't want to be bringing up problems that were sorted out years ago because your wife will lose all trust for you.You accepted her explanation for the previous problems,you can't start throwing them into her face now.If it is all a false alarm you will have done irreparable damage to your marriage.
Absolutely agree... to a point. I did not react in anger yesterday, neither did she. I'm not ashamed to admit that for the first time in a long time we both cried as we talked about the possibilities. I was not planning on accusing her of anything. that said, if something happened... I think... I would like to know. I don't want to uncover old, buried issues but this is a real situation that we're having to figure. Mainly, I'm just trying to understand how to process this without being about to talk to any of my RL friends who I would normally turn to for council. I can't even talk about it with my Doctor... He's been our doctor for 20 years, been there for all three of our children's birth and he and his wife are in our bible study group every week.
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post #19 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

I think it can be transmitted by oral sex too. Are you sure that she was a Virgin, Virgin? As in no type of sex? Not everyone considers oral sex as "sex".

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post #20 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Sorry sir, I don't buy your W did nothing.
I can see how you might view it in that way. what can I say, I don't have any personal experience with this stuff.
I believe her because I know her, because I always think the best of her and, frankly, I can't currently imagine a world where my wife is deceitfully or maliciously hiding an affair. I can barely accept the possibility that she made a one off mistake during the worst years of our marriage. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it would significantly alter my world view.
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post #21 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

@FortheRecord

Your wife cheated (and may be still cheating) on you. Get yourself tested IMMEDIATELY also.

If you were each others first, and now she has HPV, then there is no other plausible scenario.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #22 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

FTR ... the first thing you need to fully understand and accept is that there are dozens, maybe even hundreds, of guys that are members here that never in a million years believed that their wives would cheat on them UNTIL THEY DID. One of the hardest things I had to accept was that my marriage and my wife were not SPECIAL and were at risk to the same old common affairs as every one else, and that is the reason you're getting most of these responses. We see the very same red flags waving and being discounted in your M, that we discounted in our own. Unfortunately, (or fortunately depending on your perspective) they follow the same pattern. As a matter of fact, some even refer to the Cheater's Handbook, because many are so similar, including your W's reactions to them. I would have never believed my W would lie to me ... now I know that she is a very accomplished liar and it is her default mechanism when confronted with something uncomfortable.

We also learn that one of most powerful investigatory tools is our own "gut". When that guy was sniffing around all those years ago, and you found them in a compromising situation, your gut was screaming something was wrong, but your mind overrode your gut instinct and you swept it under the rug, likely with the help of some very convincing lies from your W.

So ... you find out your virginal W has an STD, and a few years back you had real concerns about her and a known "player", who's own W divorced him over being a serial cheater, plus during that time you said you all had stopped being intimate. You're obviously an intelligent guy ... if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, what most likely is it to be?

Your "gut" had it nailed all those years ago!!!
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post #23 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Absolutely agree... to a point. I did not react in anger yesterday, neither did she. I'm not ashamed to admit that for the first time in a long time we both cried as we talked about the possibilities. I was not planning on accusing her of anything. that said, if something happened... I think... I would like to know. I don't want to uncover old, buried issues but this is a real situation that we're having to figure. Mainly, I'm just trying to understand how to process this without being about to talk to any of my RL friends who I would normally turn to for council. I can't even talk about it with my Doctor... He's been our doctor for 20 years, been there for all three of our children's birth and he and his wife are in our bible study group every week.
I may have missed something but why were you both crying.Is she thinking that maybe she caught the virus from you.If the rumours about this virus are true it appears it can be transmitted by sweat so if she still works out at a gym there may be a chance of catching it there.I don't have a medical background but I do own a gym.I really think you should stop torturing yourselves until you know for sure she even has it.
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post #24 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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I think it can be transmitted by oral sex too. Are you sure that she was a Virgin, Virgin? As in no type of sex? Not everyone considers oral sex as "sex".

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It can be transmitted by oral sex. It can also be transmitted mother to child.

My wife has told me, as I stated earlier, and as I would share only in an anonymous forum, that well before we knew each other, she and a couple of her friends experimented with Oral sex.... they were very young, 4th or 5th grade I believe, and, as she described it, it was only few times acting out scenes from movies that the most definitely shouldn't have seen at that age. That is the only experience that she had other than kissing prior to our relationship which has been exclusive since January of 1988.

My own experience is just her. I had a couple of girl friends in school but they were of the holding hands variety. They did not last and things never progressed beyond that point. I was geek/nerd in school which lead to the insecurities I've referenced.

My father cheated on my mother prior to her becoming pregnant with me so it's possible, and completely unverifiable, she got it from him and I got it from her. My wife's father may have also slept around prior to conceiving with her mother, thus passing it to her mother and then to her.

That background also speaks to why our marriage is so important. we both came from broken homes and both of our fathers cheated and left. It took a long time for trust and love to replace the initial feelings that brought us together and when we committed, we both stated that it was forever and that we'd never put our kids through what we went through. Those are values we still actively discuss, even with our kids, and which we hold dear.

Again, a bit more detail to explain why this situation has me so thrown for a loop.
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post #25 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

She was talking to a male "friend" with the door locked when you were supposed to be somewhere else?? I think that she certainly could be cheating. Other than false positive what other explanation could there be? Have you asked her to get retested?


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post #26 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
I can see how you might view it in that way. what can I say, I don't have any personal experience with this stuff.
I believe her because I know her, because I always think the best of her and, frankly, I can't currently imagine a world where my wife is deceitfully or maliciously hiding an affair. I can barely accept the possibility that she made a one off mistake during the worst years of our marriage. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it would significantly alter my world view.
It is a tough spot no doubt. The issue here, there will always be a doubt from here on out. I have no personal experience with the stuff either other then I know it is sexually/orally transmitted. Issue here is OM in your home, locked door without your knowledge. The OM is a known player. You and your W not doing well in the marriage at that time. The numbers are not favorable for something innocently going on like training.

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post #27 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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I may have missed something but why were you both crying.Is she thinking that maybe she caught the virus from you.If the rumours about this virus are true it appears it can be transmitted by sweat so if she still works out at a gym there may be a chance of catching it there.I don't have a medical background but I do own a gym.I really think you should stop torturing yourselves until you know for sure she even has it.

We were crying because, while it's unlikely, the test that she took could still come back as positive for Cervical Cancer or one of the Pre-emergent conditions like CIN. But, yeah, she was also trying to wrap her head around the fact that her doctor just told her she had an STD and that there's few ways to get it other than from Sex. that combined with the fact that she didn't have it last year lead her to the initial thought that perhaps I had been unfaithful and that I was going to tell her about something stupid I had done. As I mentioned, one of her closest friends is just a year removed from a very painful divorce that involved a number of completely unexpected revelations which has shaken people my wife is close to... to the very core.

I know I have been faithful. I believe my wife has. From her perspective, she Knows she has been faithful. She believes that I have.
Getting to that point along with the health considerations was very emotional.

I don't think it can be transferred in Sweat but one of the articles did mention you could get it by using a hot tub.

I agree, that I probably shouldn't be spending this much time on it but I don't currently have the ability to just let it go. I'm working on it by discussing it here.
Thanks for the advice though.
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post #28 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

If my wife was in a room with another man and that door was locked, 2 things would have happened, the door would have become unhinged or removed from its mooring and the activity's would have been found out about. OP she cheated, seen this **** to much with women over the years. The fact that you didn't tear the door down, really tells me why to, your a beta male. Stop being a ***** and man up.
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post #29 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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She was talking to a male "friend" with the door locked when you were supposed to be somewhere else?? I think that she certainly could be cheating. Other than false positive what other explanation could there be? Have you asked her to get retested?
She is getting retested as part of the test for her abnormal cells. We'll know by the 10th of March.

The locked door, looking back, I think he did it. I believed her when she said it wasn't intentional then and I still do. He, however, has turned out to be a scumbag. I would put very little past him at this point.
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post #30 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:03 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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She is getting retested as part of the follow up any way so hopefully those results will give us some clarity.
If you have to know this is what I would do. Have ways to monitor her communications in place BEFORE the retest results come in.

LOOK HERE: Standard Evidence Post

The only way to find out after such a long time is her discussing it with friends. Positive results by themselves could prompt her to confide with or ask a friend for advice. You could also do what I call “kicking the ant nest” by expressing your concerns after the results are in.

She might tell her friend that she has no idea how she got it or she could tell them about that one time.

Last edited by Graywolf2; 03-01-2017 at 01:11 PM.
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