Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test - Page 30 - Talk About Marriage
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post #436 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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He just said that she said to him she's got nothing to hide and if he doesn't believe her then he should file for divorce. You just said that even if she was guilty then if he specifically asks her about any sort of sexual contact she will probably deny it anyway so why would you then suggest he specifically ask her about sexual contact with another guy?
I said that he needs to be specific about what he is asking.

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post #437 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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You do realize that when you say "I want to discuss possible infidelity in therapy" it's no different than saying "I think you're a lying cheater", right?
Which is what she said last night... almost exactly. "After all this time, after everything we've been through, how could you think me capable of that? You're the one that always talks about how careful you have to be around other women! I should be asking these questions! It offends me we're even having this conversation!"

"You still haven't looked me in the eye and said you haven't been with any one else!"

"I haven't! I said that last time we talked about this!"

"You still haven't looked me in the eye tonight and said ""I have never been with anyone but you""

Looks me in the eye, says firmly "There's no one else. There wasn't ever any one else"

continues for the next 20 minutes
She reads as angry but honest and still hiding something like she's thinking about exactly what she's saying
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post #438 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:47 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Ok. I now think it was a borrowed sex toy from her female friend that is also a prostitute. And your wife is embarrassed that she forgot to wash it before using it. That explains everything that happened here. Even the locked door incident.
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post #439 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Why do you say you have to be careful around other women?
Why do you think that she won't lie to you if she looks you in the eye while she's lying to you?
Why do you keep asking her if she cheated on you even though you realize you'll never get the truth and all you're doing is pissing her off?
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post #440 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Why do you say you have to be careful around other women?
Why do you think that she won't lie to you if she looks you in the eye while she's lying to you?
Why do you keep asking her if she cheated on you even though you realize you'll never get the truth and all you're doing is pissing her off?

"Why do you say you have to be careful around other women?"
Because I've stated the precautions I take, especially when I'm on business trips. Because I do consider myself susceptible to that temptation, especially if my inhibitions were down as a result of drinking.

"Why do you think that she won't lie to you if she looks you in the eye while she's lying to you?"
I've known her since we were 17 years old. I can tell when she's misleading and I know that she has trouble looking anyone in the eye and directly lying to them. Doesn't matter who, doesn't matter about what.

"Why do you keep asking her if she cheated on you even though you realize you'll never get the truth and all you're doing is pissing her off?"
I believe she will tell me the truth if I approach it the right way. My goal is to save my marriage which requires some level of disclosure.... or some type of supernatural peace.
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post #441 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:06 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

I think the polygraph suggestion would be effective. You probably don't have to go through it but offer to go through it yourself. She needs a consequence to get her to fess up.


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post #442 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by stixx View Post
He just said that she said to him she's got nothing to hide and if he doesn't believe her then he should file for divorce. You just said that even if she was guilty then if he specifically asks her about any sort of sexual contact she will probably deny it anyway so why would you then suggest he specifically ask her about sexual contact with another guy?
That's harsh in both directions.
Either I completely accept what I've been told, or I don't trust her at all and I should divorce my wife of almost 25 years.

I think she's hiding something but still loves me and wants to continue our marriage. I think what ever it is, she's embarrassed about it and that it happened some time ago. I THINK I want to know what it is.... I'm not sure I'll feel the same once I do.
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post #443 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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I think the polygraph suggestion would be effective. You probably don't have to go through it but offer to go through it yourself. She needs a consequence to get her to fess up.


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I already offered. I plan to follow that path in counseling
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post #444 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:17 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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That's harsh in both directions.
Either I completely accept what I've been told, or I don't trust her at all and I should divorce my wife of almost 25 years.

I think she's hiding something but still loves me and wants to continue our marriage. I think what ever it is, she's embarrassed about it and that it happened some time ago. I THINK I want to know what it is.... I'm not sure I'll feel the same once I do.
This may be true.

What is also true is she's putting your marriage in danger. Do you think she gets that?

She could be embarrassed which is better than being divorced.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #445 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

I have decided to do a bit of careful research as I said.
I've pulled phone records for the past three years.
I'm looking at some other things as well.

I'm rationalizing it with the thought that if I can find nothing and settle my mind, then the MC will be more effective.

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post #446 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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This may be true.

What is also true is she's putting your marriage in danger. Do you think she gets that?

She could be embarrassed which is better than being divorced.
I think she understands how concerned I am which is part of what puzzles me with her reaction.
some one posted earlier that their spouse lied because she felt she was protecting the marriage and her kids.
I could see my wife doing that. I could see her rationalizing a lie to protect me from the truth.

She knows me as well as I know her and I think she's trying to get me focused on something else so I'll drop this and move on.
We both hate the concept of divorce but she also knows how I feel about infidelity and betrayal especially after what her friend went through. I haven't exactly been quiet or ambiguous as to how I view that act.
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post #447 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:25 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

You would think that a person that had just been diagnosed with two stds would dial-down the touchy-feely flirting!!
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post #448 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:27 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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I think she understands how concerned I am which is part of what puzzles me with her reaction.
some one posted earlier that their spouse lied because she felt she was protecting the marriage and her kids.
I could see my wife doing that. I could see her rationalizing a lie to protect me from the truth.

She knows me as well as I know her and I think she's trying to get me focused on something else so I'll drop this and move on.
We both hate the concept of divorce but she also knows how I feel about infidelity and betrayal especially after what her friend went through. I haven't exactly been quiet or ambiguous as to how I view that act.
Was the great sex the other night part of her distraction ?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #449 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Was the great sex the other night part of her distraction ?
It was certainly distracting.

I'm over analyzing, but the last time we went through anything like this, we didn't have sex for 6 months.
She could be saying something like " Just let it go and things will continue as good or better than they had been"
It's a powerful argument, if that is in fact what it was.
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post #450 of 620 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:35 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Have you asked her specifically about the closed-door incident so many years ago? Can she look you in the eye and swear that nothing was going on behind that door? Ask her what she would think if you were with a woman in your study, door locked, at a time when she wasn't expected to be home.

Unfortunately, all the protestations of innocence are worthless. We've seen so many examples in here where a woman literally swears on the lives of her children that she's never been unfaithful. Then the truth of an affair is revealed shortly thereafter.

If I were you, I'd book the polygraph.
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