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post #46 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Do yourself a big favor and check your wife's detail text and phone records online. See who she contacted(besides you) before and after she got her tests results. Also, go back as far as you can on the phone records and look for any unusual calls and texts to a certain number.

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post #47 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by DepressedHusband View Post
Look, your so beta you can't even see it, I get it, being married and in LTRs has the effect of reducing male testosterone and male appeal. I constantly game and dominate my wife, that's how I keep her faithful. but you have to understand, no women truly find a beta male attractive on the long curve that why so many women cheat.

first thing to do, start hitting the gym, start with massive rapid self improvement. If you want your wife to come to you, be something to move toward, if you are going to be a whiny needy little girl, she is gonna **** other dudes while keeping you for safety and resources. Man up brother.
Yeah, whatever. I appreciate your position but that's not how I think marriages should work.
I'm good with who I am at this stage of my life. 10/15 years ago was a different time and my circumstance were different.
I'm reasonably successful, make a good living, i have the respect of my friends and co-workers, My teenage sons (19, 16) still talk to me and still like to hang out with me and my daughter (10) sees me as her hero. I'm fine with who I am. My marriage is important to me however and thus the reason for this thread.

I plan to grow old with my wife. I don't want to believe there are secrets.
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post #48 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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But capable at that time of discovery of locked door in your home with your W and OM behind said door. You having no knowledge this was occurring at that time. You are assuming, I'm guessing, this did not happen any time prior?
Not that I know of
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post #49 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Yeah, whatever. I appreciate your position but that's not how I think marriages should work.
I'm good with who I am at this stage of my life. 10/15 years ago was a different time and my circumstance were different.
I'm reasonably successful, make a good living, i have the respect of my friends and co-workers, My teenage sons (19, 16) still talk to me and still like to hang out with me and my daughter (10) sees me as her hero. I'm fine with who I am. My marriage is important to me however and thus the reason for this thread.

I plan to grow old with my wife. I don't want to believe there are secrets.
As you are finding out, you are going to get a lot of push-back here for your stance. Stay true to yourself despite that.
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post #50 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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I plan to grow old with my wife. I don't want to believe there are secrets.
None of us want you to believe there are no secrets but....the narrative of locked door, your home, you're not supposed to know/be home just does not add up to innocence. Further, I'm guessing your were assured that had never happened before finding W and OM in such a position.

I would not have bought that left handed smoke shifter.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #51 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Not that I know of
Did you inquire or did you sweep it under the carpet?

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #52 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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And I while I understand Occam's razor, I prefer Sherlock Holmes in this case...
When you eliminate the impossible, what ever is left, how ever improbably, must be the truth.

I prefer, at this point, to believe that my wife intentionally cheating is impossible.
This isn't that hard to figure out. First tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph test for BOTH of you, so you can both be assured that neither has cheated. Then after a day check the browsing history on your computer and her cell phone, and see if she's checking up how to beat a polygraph.

I understand you believe your wife and are thus investigating unlikely ways of HPV transmission. However, a better quote than Sherlock Holmes is from Dr. Woodward and that is when you hear hoofbeats think horses not zebras. Basically, common things are common for a reason...it's because they happen all the time.
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post #53 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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It's possible that this guy locked the door and your wife was not aware of that. Who knows? She and the guy, that's it.

Were you and your wife every separated, living apart?
We have never been separated except for long work trips back in those days.
After long discussions with that situation as one of the topics, I believe that she was not aware it was locked and was surprised when it was found so.
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post #54 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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She should have been embarrassed by what she was doing as a married woman behind a locked door!

If you were in that room with the door locked with another woman, what would she have done?

Horrible boundaries at the least.

Has she ever read not just friends?
I honestly don't think she saw it as a problem until I made a big deal out of it.
Agreed on the horrible boundaries, I've just provided a few examples, but those were all discussed and put to bed a long time ago.
There have been no similar issues at all in more than 8 years...

going way back, maybe... but it could have been my own issues.
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post #55 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
This isn't that hard to figure out. First tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph test for BOTH of you, so you can both be assured that neither has cheated. Then after a day check the browsing history on your computer and her cell phone, and see if she's checking up how to beat a polygraph.

I understand you believe your wife and are thus investigating unlikely ways of HPV transmission. However, a better quote than Sherlock Holmes is from Dr. Woodward and that is when you hear hoofbeats think horses not zebras. Basically, common things are common for a reason...it's because they happen all the time.
This is not good advice.You would be going nuclear on your wife,making it clear that you don't trust her and saying you will take the poly yourself is meaningless.I have said this numerous times on this forum,polygraphs do not work you may as well be reading palms.If I knew I could remain anonymous I would put up a video on how to fool them and this is coming from someone who has built them.A very experienced police interrogator may be able to spot a liar but only some of the time.If you do all that has been suggested,poly,checking her phone and text records etc and it turns out to be a false positive reading your wife may never forgive you if she finds out.Also you are getting paranoid,second guessing everything from years ago.You have to remember,most of the people giving you advice on this forum have been cheated on and tend to fear the worst in this type of situation.

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post #56 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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None of us want you to believe there are no secrets but....the narrative of locked door, your home, you're not supposed to know/be home just does not add up to innocence. Further, I'm guessing your were assured that had never happened before finding W and OM in such a position.

I would not have bought that left handed smoke shifter.
I hear you... but it's hard to respond.

As I mentioned, I worked a lot.
in those days, I worked primarily out of my home office with frequent trips of different lengths.
I could and would get called out of the country for a month with a weeks notice.

The point I'm making is that if she wanted to cheat, she had the opportunity... as did I frankly.
I took special care at the time, and in fact I still do, to ensure I was never in a compromising position.
I did not dine alone with female co-workers, I never went in the hotel room of a co-worker, for a long time, I wouldn't even drink on those trips...
I explained those precautions to my wife at the time and she thought they were silly and that I was going to far.
Needless to say, she didn't take any similar precautions which lead to a number of arguments.
In the best possible light, I could say that see never took precautions because she was never tempted... I certainly took precautions because I was.
It's the recovering alcoholic that worries about drinking, not the person who doesn't feel a pull.

Since that time, as our children have grown and as some of the folks I expressed concern about turned out to be dirtbags, she now fully supports me.
I have had no reason to suspect anything for the past 8+ years... I use that number because that's about when we had a last big 'discussion' and where, I believe, we finally worked it out.
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post #57 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Did you inquire or did you sweep it under the carpet?
We spent long hours talking about those types of situations...
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post #58 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
This isn't that hard to figure out. First tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph test for BOTH of you, so you can both be assured that neither has cheated. Then after a day check the browsing history on your computer and her cell phone, and see if she's checking up how to beat a polygraph.

I understand you believe your wife and are thus investigating unlikely ways of HPV transmission. However, a better quote than Sherlock Holmes is from Dr. Woodward and that is when you hear hoofbeats think horses not zebras. Basically, common things are common for a reason...it's because they happen all the time.
I actually suggested a polygraph test yesterday as a way for her to have confidence in what I was saying.
We left it until we get more detail from the follow test.
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post #59 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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We spent long hours talking about those types of situations...
Got it. Sorry man, it is a tough situation. I'm still of mind your W was not forthcoming with the incident in the past.

Why were you not to know your W and OM were at your home the day of discovery?

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post #60 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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This is not good advice.You would be going nuclear on your wife,making it clear that you don't trust her and saying you will take the poly yourself is meaningless.I have said this numerous times on this forum,polygraphs do not work you may as well be reading palms.If I knew I could remain anonymous I would put up a video on how to fool them and this is coming from someone who has built them.A very experienced police interrogator may be able to spot a liar but only some of the time.If you do all that has been suggested,poly,checking her phone and text records etc and it turns out to be a false positive reading your wife may never forgive you if she finds out.Also you are getting paranoid,second guessing everything from years ago.You have to remember,most of the people giving you advice on this forum have been cheated on and tend to fear the worst in this type of situation.
I fear I was getting a bit paranoid, which is why I started this threat.

I could also mention that my profession is technology security. So, in protecting my children from the threats on the internet, regarding which I believe a certain level of paranoia is both necessary and healthy, I log every web site that's linked from our house and I completely block anything that would be considered pornographic or of adult content. That would include sites like ****** ******* or any similar hook up sites (tinder, whatever). I check my kids computers/phones on a regular basis and I review all of our cell phone records regularly which, while not directed at my wife, includes her and is done with her support. I have location monitors on all of our phones which my wife has access to, again, primarily to make sure the kids are ok when they're not home but I can check where my wife is and she can check on me at any time. I review all of our credit card records at least weekly to ensure not questionable purchases are made and my wife and I talk about spending very regularly. Again, I am not checking up on my wife, but it has that same effect and she has access to all of the same tools. it's primarily to protect the kids.

so when I say I have had no reason to doubt her for the past while, I'm not just saying that from position of blind faith. Aside from my much less frequent business trips, there really has been no opportunity and, as I mentioned at the beginning, frankly no need in recent years to worry about faithfulness. We go on dates twice a month, dinner and dancing. We make sure we take a long weekend away, just the two of us at least twice a year. We enjoy each other and have a lot of fun these days.

Perhaps I'm answering my own question and I type through this. As the gentlemen said above, maybe I can and should just let this sit until more information is available. I appreciate all the input and all of it has been helpful and I work my way through this. If anything new comes up I'll post an update.

Thanks everyone
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