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post #61 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

FTR,

You also mentioned private sessions with a "trainer", they are notorious for becoming good at seducing women as they frequently get so much practice at it.

BTW HPV can also cause penile, anal, and various mouth and throat cancers, basically any mucus membrane.

From what you wrote of your W she may also be the type who would not admit to anything.

One ploy would be to call the guy you caught her with and tell him she told you everything and you want to confirm that it matches his side of the story.

Polygraph.

Tamat

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post #62 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

For the record....i this point since you have not ruled out false positive yet, i feel that it would be prudent to set aside the cheating discussion, you can always have that discussion if the tests are definitive at a later date....as you noted her health comes first.
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post #63 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
I actually suggested a polygraph test yesterday as a way for her to have confidence in what I was saying.
We left it until we get more detail from the follow test.


And for you to have confidence in what she is saying.

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post #64 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Got it. Sorry man, it is a tough situation. I'm still of mind your W was not forthcoming with the incident in the past.

Why were you not to know your W and OM were at your home the day of discovery?
I worked from home a lot in those days... that day I was in the local office.

My buddy was a construction contractor, and he drove from job site to job site all day, every day.

As I struggle to remember what they said they were talking about, I believe it was about his wife, my wife's friend and some troubles they were having.
Again, it was represented as no big deal and that i over reacted, which I well may have.

My wife is an educator and at the time was full time, stay at home mom with a 3 year old and a 1 year old.
Sometimes he would drop by when I was home just to say hi when he was working in the area.

Again, thinking back, I always felt he had eyes for my wife. During that period when we were fighting he was one of the guys I was really worried about which probably why I reacted like I did. I don't often lose my temper so when my wife saw me really angry and I think even at the time must have realized how it looked, she was shocked. If she ever did cheat, it really could have been with him. He was a charming dude. Still, were that the case, why would she have called me so quickly when he really did try to take it to the next level years later. And scumbag that he is, he's never claimed to have been with my wife and, believe me, he has nothing to lose at this point.
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post #65 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by IamSomebody View Post


And for you to have confidence in what she is saying.

IamSomebody

that did occur to me but I did not mention it at the time.
I think we will wait until the retest comes back at least.
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post #66 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:41 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
I worked from home a lot in those days... that day I was in the local office.

My buddy was a construction contractor, and he drove from job site to job site all day, every day.

As I struggle to remember what they said they were talking about, I believe it was about his wife, my wife's friend and some troubles they were having.
Again, it was represented as no big deal and that i over reacted, which I well may have.

My wife is an educator and at the time was full time, stay at home mom with a 3 year old and a 1 year old.
Sometimes he would drop by when I was home just to say hi when he was working in the area.

Again, thinking back, I always felt he had eyes for my wife. During that period when we were fighting he was one of the guys I was really worried about which probably why I reacted like I did. I don't often lose my temper so when my wife saw me really angry and I think even at the time must have realized how it looked, she was shocked. If she ever did cheat, it really could have been with him. He was a charming dude. Still, were that the case, why would she have called me so quickly when he really did try to take it to the next level years later. And scumbag that he is, he's never claimed to have been with my wife and, believe me, he has nothing to lose at this point.
I was not aware of that part. Perhaps the first incident was a precursor to what "the friend" was about. Your W recognized the bad position she was in when discovered. Learned from it and called you immediately when snake in the grass attempted to ramp it up a second time. Good on your W for that. I hope the OM is no longer a "friend". OM was certainly working your W who appeared vulnerable at that time. Did NC begin the day of discovery? Perhaps something was going to transpire but your discovery stopped it? OM attempted a second time?

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post #67 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Your wife admitted that she had intimate sexual contact with her friends when they were adolescents acting out a scene they saw in a movie. If any of those girls were sexually active willingly or were sexually abused, she could have gotten HPV from one of them. The virus can lay dormant for many years and detection has vastly improved in recent years, so it's entirely possible she just never tested positive before now.

It's also possible that she fooled around a bit, without full on sex, before you married and kept it secret.

Also, not all doctors give all patients HPV screening when doing a routine pap or routine "just in case" STD testing. At some offices, the patient has to specifically request HPV testing or show symptoms of HPV or a related disease. Your wife has had more than one abnormal pap, we now understand the link between certain HPV strains and cancer, so she was a candidate for an HPV test. It's entirely possible she wasn't given an HPV test before those wonky pap's.

And, lastly, somewhere around a decade or so ago you were having marital problems and your wife was showing some serious boundary issues with other men. That's about how long HPV could lay dormant. So, yeah, it's also possible your wife either had sex or some kind of sexual contact with another man. I know it's not something you want to believe is possible, but it is. As has been mentioned before, many a spouse has come here and to my other relationship forum certain their beloved could never...until the evidence became overwhelming.

It's not uncommon for people who married as virgins to wonder what sex is like with someone else. Some, maybe even many, give in to that curiosity. It's gotten to the point, reading so many "we've only ever been with each other and s/he cheated!" stories that I actually consider virgin marriages to be a caution flag for possible infidelity at some point between vows and death.

Plenty of those who espouse family values and are committed to their marriages lasting until one or the other dies have cheated. They know they won't leave, think they'll never get caught and, therefore, the marriage was never in any danger.

Not to mention, if I knew I married a virgin as a virgin, knew I didn't cheat, and tested positive for an STD...well, my reaction would be legendary. Frankly, I think her NOT freaking out on you is a bit suspicious.

I suggest a polygraph. For both of you. If neither has ever cheated or hidden pre-relationship sexual touching, you'll both be put at ease. If she cheated or hid pre-relationship sexual contact from you, then you'll know and be able to work from there.

* I started this post more than an hour ago, but got distracted making lunch, prepping dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, and getting the dogs their potty breaks. If others have made the same suggestions or more info has been posted...umm.. *blush*

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #68 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
I was not aware of that part. Perhaps the first incident was a precursor to what "the friend" was about. Your W recognized the bad position she was in when discovered. Learned from it and called you immediately when snake in the grass attempted to ramp it up a second time. Good on your W for that. I hope the OM is no longer a "friend". OM was certainly working your W who appeared vulnerable at that time.
Yeah, no longer a friend. He burned a lot of folks, not just his wife. Slept with several women, some married and friends of his wife... the mother of his son's close friend... he even slept with the daughter of one of his own closest friends. She was 21 so an adult but still very creepy since he watched her grow up. That was the situation that finally lead to his undoing. once the mask was torn, it all came out in a relatively short period of time.

What's crazy is that some of those women still mess around with him... knowing what he is and what he's done. Since some of them live close by his former house where is wife is, she sees him visiting those houses from time to time. That's something I don't get and don't want to.
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post #69 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Your wife admitted that she had intimate sexual contact with her friends when they were adolescents acting out a scene they saw in a movie. If any of those girls were sexually active willingly or were sexually abused, she could have gotten HPV from one of them. The virus can lay dormant for many years and detection has vastly improved in recent years, so it's entirely possible she just never tested positive before now.

It's also possible that she fooled around a bit, without full on sex, before you married and kept it secret.

Also, not all doctors give all patients HPV screening when doing a routine pap or routine "just in case" STD testing. At some offices, the patient has to specifically request HPV testing or show symptoms of HPV or a related disease. Your wife has had more than one abnormal pap, we now understand the link between certain HPV strains and cancer, so she was a candidate for an HPV test. It's entirely possible she wasn't given an HPV test before those wonky pap's.

And, lastly, somewhere around a decade or so ago you were having marital problems and your wife was showing some serious boundary issues with other men. That's about how long HPV could lay dormant. So, yeah, it's also possible your wife either had sex or some kind of sexual contact with another man. I know it's not something you want to believe is possible, but it is. As has been mentioned before, many a spouse has come here and to my other relationship forum certain their beloved could never...until the evidence became overwhelming.

It's not uncommon for people who married as virgins to wonder what sex is like with someone else. Some, maybe even many, give in to that curiosity. It's gotten to the point, reading so many "we've only ever been with each other and s/he cheated!" stories that I actually consider virgin marriages to be a caution flag for possible infidelity at some point between vows and death.

Plenty of those who espouse family values and are committed to their marriages lasting until one or the other dies have cheated. They know they won't leave, think they'll never get caught and, therefore, the marriage was never in any danger.

Not to mention, if I knew I married a virgin as a virgin, knew I didn't cheat, and tested positive for an STD...well, my reaction would be legendary. Frankly, I think her NOT freaking out on you is a bit suspicious.

I suggest a polygraph. For both of you. If neither has ever cheated or hidden pre-relationship sexual touching, you'll both be put at ease. If she cheated or hid pre-relationship sexual contact from you, then you'll know and be able to work from there.

* I started this post more than an hour ago, but got distracted making lunch, prepping dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, and getting the dogs their potty breaks. If others have made the same suggestions or more info has been posted...umm.. *blush*
I appreciate the detailed response. One thing you highlighted is probably the primary reason I'm here. She didn't freak out... I mean she was upset and crying but that was also caused by the possibility of cancer. I told her I was faithful, I explained, as I have in the past, the precautions I take to remain so... and she looked into my eyes and accepted that. That could mean any number of things I guess... but that's probably why I kept thinking about it.
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post #70 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

@FortheRecord - it sounds like you have things well in hand. Holding thumbs for you and your wife that this is a false positive; and very much a storm in a teacup.

(I just had the thought that she might very well be posting a similar thread elsewhere tonight. If you have a darkish sense of humour, perhaps that might make you smile. Even if it is a little grimly.)

Please do let us know how it goes - even if you have no need of our advice. As you can probably tell, we are a little short of good news here.


“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”
― C.S. Lewis
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post #71 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Sorry you are here my friend.

Dont hate me for saying this but you trust your wife to much.

You will never find what happend behind those doors. Bigger problem is that you knew your old friend was a "player" and you welcomed him to your home. He was your friend for a long,long time.
What about other times when they were alone?

Also your wife went to private lessons with her gym instructor. It cant be worse then this belive me. What were you thinking???

Your wife should climb the walls trying to apologize and explain STD but all you got is rewriting history. She talks to much about time before 6-8 years when you had problems. This is blame shifting.

Go full detective mode my friend. Check her mails,facebook,phone and other accounts.

Watch her carefull because if she did something wrong she will try to hide it right now

Stay strong.
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post #72 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Quote:
Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
As I struggle to remember what they said they were talking about, I believe it was about his wife, my wife's friend and some troubles they were having.

Again, it was represented as no big deal and that i over reacted, which I well may have.
You didn't over react. That's straight out of the "Player's" handbook. The inappropriate intimacy of talking about troubles with each other's marriages, is just a step in the affair continuum. And I'm sure he knew it. What a POS.

Now, if there was just a way to find out if he has warts on his junk.
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post #73 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

ForTheRecord,

You wrote, Slept with several women, some married and friends of his wife... the mother of his son's close friend... he even slept with the daughter of one of his own closest friends. She was 21 so an adult but still very creepy since he watched her grow up. That was the situation that finally lead to his undoing. once the mask was torn, it all came out in a relatively short period of time.

Again just like with a trainer we have a man who in a sense is a professional seducer, whatever else he did in life he was effective at seducing women. In both this guys and the trainers case you also have men who are promiscuous and are much more likely to transmit HPV to your W.

It makes sense that he would have laughed at you when you caught them together, because he is likely also a very good liar, and coached your W to say nothing.

Tamat
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post #74 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:33 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

I don't think this test proves she cheated. I believe there are other ways to get HPV. Me and my husband were each other's firsts also and I tested positive for HPV. I have never cheated and I'm sure he never cheated either. We both couldn't figure out where it came from. The only thing I can think of is that I was molested once as a child, but it was just touching. I guess you can get it just from touching. So I think it could have been something other than cheating. I think it must be easy to get.
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post #75 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Quote:
Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post

I prefer, at this point, to believe that my wife intentionally cheating is impossible.
Doing this is putting yourself at risk of STDs. Your best course of action:
* mouth shut
* eyes and ears open
* research
* don't believe your W, just 'cause she says so.

Too much at risk.
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