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post #106 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

How do you feel about her reaction to the locked door?

If the current story is truth, this guy locked her in a room without her knowledge, and there was a delay opening it. Yet she was surprised at your reaction. Shouldn't she have been surprised, maybe concerned, that the guy did that? Shouldn't she have stood with you and challenged the guy for what he had done?

You know her, I don't. But it seems odd to me. More so when I couple it with the delay getting the door open. Why was there any delay at all if there was nothing to hide? Why would she not react with surprise that you couldn't just walk in if she didn't know the door was locked?

I'm not a believer in polygraphs (not reliable) but in your shoes I would be thinking about ways I could independently verify her story.

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post #107 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Consider getting your daughter tested. I am not an expert on HPV. But if it can be passed from Mom to child, you should have her tested. If she is positive that will give you a time frame for your wife's exposure.

The time frame is a secondary consideration. The health of your daughter being the primary concern.
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post #108 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

What confuses me about the locked door is….your wife was home alone at the time, right? You weren’t supposed to be there at all, right? So why would he OR she lock the door at all? If I need “private time” in the restroom when the husband and kids are home, I may lock the door for a little added privacy (or I may not because no one generally opens the bathroom door anyway…) But if I’m home alone, I never lock the door……

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #109 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Unfortunately you are on an infidelity forum. You posted here, we didn't ask you to post here. Now please bare with me for a minute. I'm not saying that to be hostile as I will explain.

Obviously with you posting on an infidelity site, you did it for a reason, because it is your suspicion. Your audience is a group that have been betrayed and a great many of them still feel the pain of that betrayal. This will influence the nature and the tone of their response because frankly, for many of them the first go to reaction is that your spouse is cheating, leave and never look back.

But sometimes there actually is a legitimate reason. I will share a story with you that I experienced myself.

You see my wife had given birth to our second child. After an appropriate healing time we were given the green light to resume sexual activity. We had discussed birth control options and we had decided that she would not go back on the pill but that instead I would get a vasectomy. We had decided we were not having anymore children and this seemed like the right course of action.

We resumed activity and decided we would just use condoms until I could get the vasectomy. Shortly after we did, my wife started to get sore's down there. She kept this from me at first as she just thought it was because we were resuming activity after such a lengthy hiatus. Unfortunately, the more we engaged the worse the problem got until we found ourselves at the emergency ward one night because these sore's were getting so bad and so painful she couldn't take it anymore.

We saw a Doctor, he took one quick look and announced to my wife that it was a herpes outbreak. To say my wife was devastated is an understatement. She was humiliated, shocked, hurt and a myriad of other emotions. I had been waiting in the waiting room and when she returned I asked what they said and she broke down into tears. I again asked what was wrong and she looked me in the eye's and screamed at me that I had given her F'ing herpes. Keeping in mind that we had been together for 17 years at the time.

So there we are sitting in the car, she's telling me that when we get home she wants me out and she's screaming about how I cheated on her and gave her a disease that she is going to be stuck with for the rest of her life.

One problem though, I hadn't cheated, so the whole time that she's yelling at me all I'm thinking is "who the hell have you been screwing". So there we both are looking at each other thinking the other had been cheating, we're both ready to blow up the marriage. I told her she needs to get a second opinion because it didn't make sense to me. I've never had so much a a pimple down there so if she has it she didn't get it from me and if she hasn't been cheating than there is some kind of mistake.

She needed to make an appointment with her family doctor to get started on a treatment plan so when she called him he had her come in right away because he thought there must be a mistake.

She saw him the next afternoon and he realized quite quickly that this wasn't herpes at all. We found out on that day that my wife has an allergy to latex. the issues she was having was a result of us resuming activity and using condoms which we had never had before. She took a minute and put two and two together and realized she has had it for a while without even knowing she had it but this new information explained why every time she went to the dentist she would have a mouth full of blisters for a week afterwards.

Now had we gone off half cocked we would have split up long ago and very likely somebody else would be raising my kids. So the message that I want to get through in all this is that sometimes its not what it seems. don't burn bridges based on assumptions. do your homework find out more about the condition, how it is spread and confirm she even has it. How long can it lie dormant? Is it possible that she's had it all her life? what other way can it be contracted?

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.

Last edited by bankshot1993; 03-02-2017 at 12:40 PM.
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post #110 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
This thought did occur to me at the time and has come back to my mind now.
That's why I'm posting about this and asking for advice.
Which is exactly what you ought to do.

But you can't close your mind to GLARING red flags on the off chance their is a 1% probability you are wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
And I while I understand Occam's razor, I prefer Sherlock Holmes in this case...
When you eliminate the impossible, what ever is left, how ever improbably, must be the truth.

I prefer, at this point, to believe that my wife intentionally cheating is impossible.
There is NOTHING impossible about it. It's the only option that fits the fact pattern you have presented.

STDs, shady behavior, another guy in the picture and even laughing at you cause he banged your wife!

Look, I get it. It BLEW MY MIND when I found out my ex was cheating. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Ad nauseum.... Never in a million years did I think she was capable. What a FOOL I was!!!! Complete idiot!

The signs were EVERYWHERE. I explained away every single one. You gotta wake up bud. You're just prolonging it.

Stop wasting your time on pie in the sky hypotheses. There's a 99% chance she's a cheat. Accept it. Time for ACTION.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 03-02-2017 at 02:10 PM.
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post #111 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

FortheRecord, I’m sorry you’re here.

I was very happily and faithfully married for 16 years to a women whom I would have never believed would cheat on me. My XWW had never given me any indication that she was capable of cheating. Well, she did. I trusted her completely and I regret that now.

As a result, my XWW tested positive for HPV six months after her affair started. Of course, she kept that a secret from me and continued to screw OM for another 1 1/2 years. 6 months later, a routine PAP revealed highly abnormal cancerous cells. Because of this, she needed to have a Hysterectomy.

By this time I had discovered the affair and had filed for divorce. She actually delayed the divorce so my health insurance would pay for the surgery. I got the chance to talk to her doctor when she was in recovery. I asked her what would cause this. She looked at me strangely and said HPV. XWW’s doctor assumed I knew why XWW needed the surgery and what the cause was. I only knew she needed surgery but not the cause. Her doctor told me most people show symptoms from 6 months to 2 years after exposure to HPV. I told her the time line of the affair and she agreed that he was most likely the source and that contracting HPV through sex is how it is transmitted 99.9% of the time.

I would reserve your condemnation of her until the second test results come in. In the mean time, I would dig for evidence. If this test is positive as well, I would sign her up for a polygraph test and tell her. There have been plenty of parking lot confessions out of fear of the polygraph test.
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post #112 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

First. Your wife must have had an abnormal result on her pap smear FIRST and THEN have gone back for a repeat. At this time an HPV test would have been done during the repeat pap smear. During my pregnancy with my first child (12 years ago), I had an abnormal pap smear. I went in a month later for a repeat and this one then came back normal. So this was either a false positive OR my body fought it (HPV) off on its own (which happens a majority of the time).

Now here's my experience as a woman who recently had HPV (thanks to my cheating ex-husband).

Fast forward several years to January 2015. I am 2 months shy of giving birth to our third child and find out my husband has been having an affair. He left me (we are now divorced), but that's neither here or there now. His affair began in November of 2014. I had an STD test done immediately after my husband left and that came back clear...except when I had my check up 4 weeks after delivering my baby.

Abnormal.

So I go back for a re-test. Abnormal again. Presence of HPV. Insert colposcopy (removal of abnormal tissue to have biopsied). Those results came back as low-grade dysplasia. I went back again three months later and those cells were now Atypical (which is a step down). Went back again 3 months later and my pap came back normal, thank goodness. I've gone one more time since and it is still normal.

I will say this, and I say this knowing the pain of being with someone who I never, in a million years, would have strayed. I do believe your wife has been unfaithful to you. Maybe not any time recently, but definitely within a handful of years. Yes, I am fully aware that there is a minute chance of contracting HPV via gyms or unsanitary medical examining tables, but that's such a stretch given some of the situations you have found your wife in.

With that said, let's wait until her next test comes in.
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post #113 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Sorry you are here, but two things:
1) Wait for the retest.
2) Stop using confirmation Bias.

Paranoia is not finding out your wife has an STD and wondering what happened. If you are going to be Sherlock Holmes, you aren't, you start with neutrality. You have already shown your own bias so, any searching you do is going to be flawed. If you want to let it go, do so and stop posting. This place is good and bad. Both sides have pitchforks and they stab each other repeatedly at the expense of the OP.

Whether you decide to believe her or doubt, make sure the decision is made with all the information possible. Yes, even if it is going to hurt you.Just make sure you do not hide form this issue as you did earlier. Letting the door issue go has come back to haunt your marriage.
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post #114 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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It seems totally off that the two of them would be in a room together with the door closed. With the door locked I can see why you were kicking on the door.
At the time you were in a sexless marriage.
The two of you weren't getting along.....why?
It turns out your friend was picking all the low hanging fruit among your friends and more.
You were away from home often.
Your wife is a teacher but sahm at the time.
Now she has a std.
So many red flags I don't think you will ever believe nothing happened without a poly. The only way it could look worse is if they were in a bedroom.
Like others have said, the number of trainers being the third wheel in a marriage around here is unbelievable. Cheating teachers and nurses too.

Did your wife do work in the office? Except for being able to lock the door, why wouldn't they have been in the kitchen, living room, great room, or family room. It makes zero sense to me they would have been in the original e or a bedroom.

Why were the two of you have such serious issues that you were not have sex with each other? Under normal circumstances everyone that has as many redflags waving as you do the odds there were cheating, and you coming here, would be nearly one hundred percent.

I hope you're the one in a thousand.

The best thing is that she told you about it so quickly. If she knew she had been with someone else
I would think she would wait and see what a second test revealed and avoid making it look like she had been unfaithful.
Good points all... and I don't have an answer to why they were in the office... I'm not sure I ever asked it.
This took place about 3 months into the worst 6 months of our 29 year relationship. While we weren't separated, we weren't talking much, sleeping in different rooms, etc...
Why we were going through that patch is a long and involved question which would take a long time to answer.
Our sons were just over 3 and not quite a year old when it started.
My wife was likely suffering from postpartum depression and actually was diagnosed with depression a year or so later and started taking medication which she was taking for another few years.
My company had been acquired and my job changed significantly. I went from a recognized expert to one of a very large team with different processes and deliverables. I was in a period where I was having to prove myself in a highly competitive organization and that also feed my insecurities. Additionally, I went from a infrequent traveler to a much more frequent traveler often with little or no warning.
Frankly I did not handle things very well. I turned inward, I was less supportive than I should have been. I wasn't around as much to help with the kids. I look back on that period highly critical if my response and I undertook significant changes to myself and while you'd have to ask my wife how I did, things improved enough over the next 3 years that we decided to have another child and thus my beautiful little girl joined our family about four years later.

The net of all this is that my wife was in a place where she could have made a mistake and the were men around who would be very interested, which again is one of the reasons for my jealousy and insecurity. Again, I'm providing full disclosure here. While I never cheated, I wasn't (still am not) I was not perfect and my own behavior left a lot to be desired. If she did make a mistake just during this period and she told me it, I believe, while it would hurt like hell, I would be able to forgive her and get over it. As often is the case, the cover up may be worse than the crime. If she did cheat and she didn't tell me then... and hasn't since and she looked me in the eye two days ago and again promised she didn't ... and then I find out that she did.... I would look at that as a completely different type of betrayal.
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post #115 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

When does the second hpv come back?

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post #116 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
Good points all... and I don't have an answer to why they were in the office... I'm not sure I ever asked it.
This took place about 3 months into the worst 6 months of our 29 year relationship. While we weren't separated, we weren't talking much, sleeping in different rooms, etc...
Why we were going through that patch is a long and involved question which would take a long time to answer.
Our sons were just over 3 and not quite a year old when it started.
My wife was likely suffering from postpartum depression and actually was diagnosed with depression a year or so later and started taking medication which she was taking for another few years.
My company had been acquired and my job changed significantly. I went from a recognized expert to one of a very large team with different processes and deliverables. I was in a period where I was having to prove myself in a highly competitive organization and that also feed my insecurities. Additionally, I went from a infrequent traveler to a much more frequent traveler often with little or no warning.
Frankly I did not handle things very well. I turned inward, I was less supportive than I should have been. I wasn't around as much to help with the kids. I look back on that period highly critical if my response and I undertook significant changes to myself and while you'd have to ask my wife how I did, things improved enough over the next 3 years that we decided to have another child and thus my beautiful little girl joined our family about four years later.


The net of all this is that my wife was in a place where she could have made a mistake and the were men around who would be very interested, which again is one of the reasons for my jealousy and insecurity. Again, I'm providing full disclosure here. While I never cheated, I wasn't (still am not) I was not perfect and my own behavior left a lot to be desired. If she did make a mistake just during this period and she told me it, I believe, while it would hurt like hell, I would be able to forgive her and get over it. As often is the case, the cover up may be worse than the crime. If she did cheat and she didn't tell me then... and hasn't since and she looked me in the eye two days ago and again promised she didn't ... and then I find out that she did.... I would look at that as a completely different type of betrayal.
Understand this in bold black is the forward leading recipe to an affair. The last ingredient is OM who knows how to play the game.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #117 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:14 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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When does the second hpv come back?
Hopefully soon.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #118 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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If she did cheat and she didn't tell me then... and hasn't since and she looked me in the eye two days ago and again promised she didn't ... and then I find out that she did.... I would look at that as a completely different type of betrayal.
I'm not only sure, I'm HPV positive she cheated on you.

Unless she cops to it, you are throwing your self respect out the window by staying and accepting her LIES.

No reconciliation will ever succeed without COMPLETE and total honesty which includes a FULL confession.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #119 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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When does the second hpv come back?
The situation is just as Primerose describes above.
My wife had an abnormal result 6 months ago, 2 weeks ago she a retest and an HPV test I guess. 2 days ago they gave here the results and did the next test where they take tissue for further testing. they are also doing a second HPV test at the same time. Those results are all due back on March 10th.
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post #120 of 598 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
The situation is just as Primerose describes above.
My wife had an abnormal result 6 months ago, 2 weeks ago she a retest and an HPV test I guess. 2 days ago they gave here the results and did the next test where they take tissue for further testing. they are also doing a second HPV test at the same time. Those results are all due back on March 10th.
Hoping for a false positive! Put this to rest for you.

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