Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Question Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Good day all

I'm reaching out here because, frankly, I don't know where/who/how to ask this question.

I have been very happily married to my high school sweetheart for almost 25 years. We were together for over 4 years before we got married.
We were both virgins when we first slept together and I have been entirely faithful to her. I believe she has been entirely faithful to me.

Yesterday she had a procedure to check an abnormal result that appeared in her annual exam a week ago. She had an abnormal result a couple of years ago, went through this, and no viral or other activity was detected. Yesterday, however, they noted that they found evidence of HPV-39 HPV-51.
She called and explained it to me, I did some research and then left work so we could talk. Aside from the obvious worry about her health, we also had to consider that in some way, what her doctor causally classified as a STD had entered our marriage.

A week ago, I had the perfect marriage. we have had our struggles in the past but always worked through them. In the past I wasn't always the best husband. I worked far too many hours and was so concerned with providing that I sometimes forgot how important my other roles were as husband, father, friend, companion, etc... We worked through those issues and for the last 8+ years we have been great trending better. During that period however, I often wondered/worried if I was worthy of my wife and there was a seed of doubt regarding her faithfulness which we also talked through at great length.

I've done additional research now and I've discovered that this could be a false positive, that there's no FDA approved test for me to take for verification, that one or both of us could have inherited HPV from our mothers and that horizontal transmission is possible though highly unlikely and unproven.

So, I'm trying to process this. First and foremost, I want/need/pray that my wife is healthy and that the abnormal cells are nothing to be concerned about.
But in the back of my mind that seed of doubt has returned and I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't really talk to anyone about this because we have all the same friends and I would never cast any doubt on my wife. So I respectfully turn to an anonymous forum for council.

Thanks in advance for any responses.

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post #2 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
Good day all

I'm reaching out here because, frankly, I don't know where/who/how to ask this question.

I have been very happily married to my high school sweetheart for almost 25 years. We were together for over 4 years before we got married.
We were both virgins when we first slept together and I have been entirely faithful to her. I believe she has been entirely faithful to me.

Yesterday she had a procedure to check an abnormal result that appeared in her annual exam a week ago. She had an abnormal result a couple of years ago, went through this, and no viral or other activity was detected. Yesterday, however, they noted that they found evidence of HPV-39 HPV-51.
She called and explained it to me, I did some research and then left work so we could talk. Aside from the obvious worry about her health, we also had to consider that in some way, what her doctor causally classified as a STD had entered our marriage.

A week ago, I had the perfect marriage. we have had our struggles in the past but always worked through them. In the past I wasn't always the best husband. I worked far too many hours and was so concerned with providing that I sometimes forgot how important my other roles were as husband, father, friend, companion, etc... We worked through those issues and for the last 8+ years we have been great trending better. During that period however, I often wondered/worried if I was worthy of my wife and there was a seed of doubt regarding her faithfulness which we also talked through at great length.

I've done additional research now and I've discovered that this could be a false positive, that there's no FDA approved test for me to take for verification, that one or both of us could have inherited HPV from our mothers and that horizontal transmission is possible though highly unlikely and unproven.

So, I'm trying to process this. First and foremost, I want/need/pray that my wife is healthy and that the abnormal cells are nothing to be concerned about.
But in the back of my mind that seed of doubt has returned and I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't really talk to anyone about this because we have all the same friends and I would never cast any doubt on my wife. So I respectfully turn to an anonymous forum for council.

Thanks in advance for any responses.

Did either of you have any sexual contact at all before marriage? It's sexually transmitted but I read you can get it from foreplay as well. It can also stay dormant in your body for years.
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post #3 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Quote:
Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
Good day all

I'm reaching out here because, frankly, I don't know where/who/how to ask this question.

I have been very happily married to my high school sweetheart for almost 25 years. We were together for over 4 years before we got married.
We were both virgins when we first slept together and I have been entirely faithful to her. I believe she has been entirely faithful to me.

Yesterday she had a procedure to check an abnormal result that appeared in her annual exam a week ago. She had an abnormal result a couple of years ago, went through this, and no viral or other activity was detected. Yesterday, however, they noted that they found evidence of HPV-39 HPV-51.
She called and explained it to me, I did some research and then left work so we could talk. Aside from the obvious worry about her health, we also had to consider that in some way, what her doctor causally classified as a STD had entered our marriage.

A week ago, I had the perfect marriage. we have had our struggles in the past but always worked through them. In the past I wasn't always the best husband. I worked far too many hours and was so concerned with providing that I sometimes forgot how important my other roles were as husband, father, friend, companion, etc... We worked through those issues and for the last 8+ years we have been great trending better. During that period however, I often wondered/worried if I was worthy of my wife and there was a seed of doubt regarding her faithfulness which we also talked through at great length.

I've done additional research now and I've discovered that this could be a false positive, that there's no FDA approved test for me to take for verification, that one or both of us could have inherited HPV from our mothers and that horizontal transmission is possible though highly unlikely and unproven.

So, I'm trying to process this. First and foremost, I want/need/pray that my wife is healthy and that the abnormal cells are nothing to be concerned about.
But in the back of my mind that seed of doubt has returned and I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't really talk to anyone about this because we have all the same friends and I would never cast any doubt on my wife. So I respectfully turn to an anonymous forum for council.

Thanks in advance for any responses.
You need to get yourself checked out.This is very like how I caught my wife cheating and I never thought she would.
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post #4 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

My wife was my first kiss at 17. She had kissed two boyfriends prior to me but no other sexual contact. She told me once that in fourth grade, she and some of her friends (female) experimented with some stuff but that's pretty much it. Neither of us were molested that we know of... we spent a couple of hours last night talking about any possible scenarios that could have lead to this. Nothing of a sexual nature comes up.

To clarify slightly something I stated above, I have absolutely no reason to think that she would have been unfaithful to me recently (past 8 years). There were suspicions from the 5 or 6 years prior to that which were based primarily on my own insecurities but there were some legitimate questionable situations. I'm not referring to an emotional affair or anything of that type but rather situations that gave rise to concerns. Examples: Finding a door locked when she was having a private conversation with a male friend when I wasn't supposed to be home; Physical training sessions with a male trainer in a private location; etc... I didn't keep a log but for the most part they were things that, by the light of today sound like a jealous, paranoid husband talking but at the time, and during a 6 month period of significant marriage issues and no physical relations, fed my suspicions and insecurity. I trust my wife, I trust when she tells me that nothing happened. We talked through those issues and emerged with a stronger, more secure marriage. But I look back at those times and I wonder, would I even blame her if she slipped all those years ago... would she even tell me, knowing what it would do to our marriage and our family.
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post #5 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Checked out how and for what?
She tested positive only for HPV and there's no Male test for that. The only symptoms for a male are genital warts which I do not have.
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post #6 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by FortheRecord View Post
My wife was my first kiss at 17. She had kissed two boyfriends prior to me but no other sexual contact. She told me once that in fourth grade, she and some of her friends (female) experimented with some stuff but that's pretty much it. Neither of us were molested that we know of... we spent a couple of hours last night talking about any possible scenarios that could have lead to this. Nothing of a sexual nature comes up.

To clarify slightly something I stated above, I have absolutely no reason to think that she would have been unfaithful to me recently (past 8 years). There were suspicions from the 5 or 6 years prior to that which were based primarily on my own insecurities but there were some legitimate questionable situations. I'm not referring to an emotional affair or anything of that type but rather situations that gave rise to concerns. Examples: Finding a door locked when she was having a private conversation with a male friend when I wasn't supposed to be home; Physical training sessions with a male trainer in a private location; etc... I didn't keep a log but for the most part they were things that, by the light of today sound like a jealous, paranoid husband talking but at the time, and during a 6 month period of significant marriage issues and no physical relations, fed my suspicions and insecurity. I trust my wife, I trust when she tells me that nothing happened. We talked through those issues and emerged with a stronger, more secure marriage. But I look back at those times and I wonder, would I even blame her if she slipped all those years ago... would she even tell me, knowing what it would do to our marriage and our family.

Ummmm........

Sorry you are here.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #7 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:45 AM
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HPV is such a tricky STI. I feel like there are a lot of unknowns.
I didn't think she was cheating until your second post. Conversations with male friends behind a locked door? What?
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post #8 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

As I said, they were some legitimate questions.... and we spent a lot of time talking through them. I was satisfied by the end of those discussions that she had been faithful and that, in her words, frankly she never considered cheating and thus didn't take any precautions. After she understood, from my perspective, why I was bothered, she made some changes in the way she dealt with other men in one on one situations. She also better understood why I took such pains in being careful in how I interacted with Women one on one. Our relationship and marriage was more important than even mistaken perceptions. That point was further reinforced when one of the guys she hung out with so carelessly actually hit on her at our house while I wasn't there. When that's guys marriage inevitably ended, his wife found he had been with a number of women over the years. My wife realized how she was putting herself and our marriage at risk and she changed.

My wife is very outgoing and friendly and some guys can mistake that for interest. In some ways, despite her intelligence, she is very naive and she simply doesn't consider the way things are perceived. I attribute her actions during that period to naivete, rather than intent. I've known her for almost 30 years and we've essentially grown up together. If something did happen during that time, it would have been unexpected rather than planned... a result of our marriage troubles and interest shown her while we were struggling. ... but I would still want to know.... I think.
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post #9 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Could it be that her test is a false positive? Can a second test be run?
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post #10 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Also, if this means that she did cheat at least once, what do you think you will do about it?

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post #11 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
HPV is such a tricky STI. I feel like there are a lot of unknowns.
I didn't think she was cheating until your second post. Conversations with male friends behind a locked door? What?
The explanation was that she didn't know how it got locked. she was embarrassed at the time and I was mad. Thinking back on it, I believe now that the guy locked the door with intent and without her realizing. Full disclaimer, He also went to high school with us and we've known him for a long time. He's also the guy who later specifically drove to my house to hit on my wife, which she called me about immediately. Since his marriage dissolved, we've determined that he's essentially been living a lie for the past 15 years... and doing a great job of it....

That fact is not comforting at all because he is someone who may have been able to convince my wife to do something back in those days and she would be further reluctant to admit it because his wife is still one of her closest friends we've found that he slept or tried to sleep with a number of women in that circle.
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post #12 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Trying hard to come up with a good reason for the locked door thing myself ... @FortheRecord. What explanation did she give at the time?

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”
― C.S. Lewis
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post #13 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

Ooops - sorry. Slow internet on my end. Question answered.

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”
― C.S. Lewis
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post #14 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Could it be that her test is a false positive? Can a second test be run?
In the limited time I've had to do research, I've found that there is a fairly high false positive rate for this test and all this angst may be for nothing. One site quotes that due to the difficulty in detection, they look for any viral markers and, when found in conjunction with abnormal cells, you can get up to a 16% false positive result... meaning that a virus is there but 16% of the time it wasn't HPV or at least one of the STI HPVs. She is getting retested as part of the follow up any way so hopefully those results will give us some clarity.
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post #15 of 617 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do - Positive HPV test

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Also, if this means that she did cheat at least once, what do you think you will do about it?
I am not sure... .and it would depend on the timing and context.

Meaning, if something did happen 10 years ago, and she told me about it now and that nothing has happened since ... and I believed her... I would forgive her completely, chalk it up to what we were going through at the time and I, believe, we could put it behind us. I told her as much last night.

If it was something more recent, that would shatter a number of very important ideas and beliefs and I have no idea what I would do other than seek God and a good therapist.... and probably some more advice from this forum.
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