Re: Confession time...and update.
So...update to update.
So, the BDSM control really helped him quit weed initially but he was one of the few to suffer extreme rages. (They are over now)
Well last i left you all off on was I was about to go away for a few days to Idaho to see my elderly aunt who is Difficult in the extreme. She payed for my mother to fly over and to pay for the car rental and we were going to road trip to her because i needed to haul back some boxes of things from the family.
My husband and i went through prep before i left and we determined that I could use the web cam and (keep an eye on things) I did not really need it to check up on him, but i didnt really even want to go on the trip in the first place so being able to see the kids playing or him poking around the house was comforting, not because i feared him cheating.
He WAS fine with it. I kissed him goodbye and it was a friendly have a safe trip. 2 hours into the trip I checked the web cam and he snapped. HE THOUGHT I WAS BEING TOO INVASIVE, that he didnt think he could do BDSM anymore because i was just too paranoid. He had even talked me into letting him out of the **** blocker because his balls had a visible chaffing sore. (reasonable issue!) I had no problem, but with his rage and attitude I responded back in an authoratative way because we were still in BDSM mode. Well, we ended up in a HUGE fight, enough that i could not conceal it.
My mother and i had just had a conversation minuets before this all went down that things were good.
He basically said he wanted a divorce over Text. I demanded him to clarify because it seemed like CRAZY that he would flip a switch so fast.
I made it down to Oregon, and was shaking. He demanded a divorce over text and now was no answering. I cancelled the trip very tearfully and emotionally because WTF? My kids are alone with this nut job. I raced home. Told my mom to just tell my aunt the truth because well....this seemed divorceable. and he was demanding it over text (which i showed my mom) and told her everything. from BDSM, EVERYONE KNOWS IN MY FAMILY NOW.
He didnt have a clue. He was picking up our sons from school when he came home and saw me. What happened next was a fight of epic proportions. He moved himself into the shed again, and informed him that everyone know everything, from his BDSM KInks to the cheating, and that there was no hiding himself anymore. He flipped **** for a while but then calmed down and was shaking. He realized that he had actually lost his ****ing mind and threw away my aunts 4,000$ investment to have us visit her, and my mothers time. (during this time my father wound up in the hospital with afib, because of the stress i was going through) I also informed my WH of this and he just broke down.
Next day I was not talking to him but he wanted to talk to my mom. He poured out his heart to her that he was messed up and this was all his fault, he does not know why he acted so irrationally. my mom told him that for this **** she and my family will fund my divorce and custody proceedings if need be, and if he wanted to repair any relationship it needed to be focused on getting right with me his wife. She also told him that she was massively disappointed in the father he was and the husband he was. A good man would not have put me in such a state on a big trip like I was doing.
I have cooled when it comes to my anger. He is shamed HARD CORE. Especially when it comes to my dad being hospitalized.
My mom raced home back to Hawaii to take care of my dad, the ticked change was 400$ more.
My WH cant hide his crazy anymore. I broadcasted it to the world. Im done with that ****. Since then he has been meek. I let him back in the house because its still cold here and in our bed, but he is not allowed to touch me. When it comes to marriage, i dont know. But i will tell you this. I WILL NEVER go outside of my comfort zone for BDSM with him again. He is unstable and frankly I suffer PTSD from just that alone now. I threw away the 100$ of dollars we had spent on toys through out the years and the stuff we had just bought the week before, and i told him Im done with that. If he wants that there is the door. walk out. He is still here.
I cant say i hate him right now. I just think during the time that he was coming off weed he was crazy. Emotional and unpredictable. He still is to me.... But he has shown a good while being stable, apologetic, and shamed, but not woe is me shamed...
I don't know what Im going to do. Divorce is very possible.
Yes it did cross my mind that maybe his episode was actually planned... but i dont actually believe it was.
Since this all went down I am on day 25 of Yoga everyday. Im 12 lbs down from when I started, I have not smoked weed in 5 days, and I FEEL GREAT. I went and saw my doctor on Tuesday and he prescribed me better meds, and 24 hour anti inflamatory and a mild muscle relaxer. It does not make me sleepy.
I eliminated coffee and soda from my diet and all food in moderation.
So though my WH and i are not on a great page, IM DOING FANTASTIC. in many ways im embarrassed that everyone knows about EVERYTHING including our sex life...but it does feel good to know my family is united behind me and will do anything to keep me in a good situation. IM NOT AFRAID anymore. My aunt now hates him and is trying to re write her will to figure out a way to only give me the money.... I have a feeling she will give me an ultimatum to divorce him or be written out of the will. i have never been interested in the money...I don't care.
My husband sees it now, and he has even commented that Im different since this last episode, EVEN different than i was when i kicked him out to the shed. I told him "yep. That it just might have been the last ****ing straw." He said "im stronger than he is, he has never seen me so committed to fitness or food control, that i even stopped weed easier than him." He is just beside himself seeing me in a sense 180.
I think he is now actually fearful that i wont take even a tiny bit of his bull**** anymore. My patience and love is wasted away. He cried and asked if i love him anymore. I told him that i don't like thinking that he is a man i cant allow myself to love. But this is how i see it. I cant allow myself to feel for him the sentimentality of our history anymore. Cling to a life i thought we had. Im done holding on.
He is scrambling. Doing everything he can to soften me...But i have hardened. I dont care anymore if we divorce....
That is terrifying him. Last night I was awaked by him muttering aloud that he was an idiot crazy and that he loved me and that he was sorry for everything. I felt him touch my cheek in the dark and i started to feel something, but i just tried to ignore the emotion. But then i worried that he might be suicidal so i stayed awake for a long time faking being asleep as he tried to snuggle into my side, but a great big pillow is dividing us now.
I guess I checked out. Im going to counseling Im focusing on me and my kids and this Yoga plan and weightloss. I also need to focus on my Russian because in the fall I plan on going to Belarus to see my best Skype buddy ever. I talk to her everyday. i am moving on from trying to save the marriage. I dont need to file. I dont even need to separate, Im fine just where I am right now focusing on me.