Confession time...and update. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Confession time...and update.

If at anytime you two both go back into a downward spiral, be mentally prepared to leave him. Two addicts cannot be in a relationship together. It just doesn't' work. The odds of you both remaining sober are about 0%, I'm sorry to say. Prove the stats wrong.

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post #17 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Confession time...and update.

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
If you guys aren't in marriage counseling yet, I'd sign up. Like TODAY....
Different strokes, BetrayedDad ... different strokes.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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post #18 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confession time...and update.

Not at work, NO...but just outside the base on lunch break. Yup. There is a few.

(AND MY HUSBAND NEVER DID THIS. Only at night while off work.
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post #19 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confession time...and update.

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If at anytime you two both go back into a downward spiral, be mentally prepared to leave him. Two addicts cannot be in a relationship together. It just doesn't' work. The odds of you both remaining sober are about 0%, I'm sorry to say. Prove the stats wrong.

I agree with you. The way we were going i was not really seeing longevity. Sure maybe our marriage was finally functioning, but only JUST. it was a delicate balance. It still feels like a delicate balance, just that we went from dysfunctional and barely functional to instant improvement. Financially, emotionally (besides the withdrawal symptoms being the rage) things are good. Home life is like 50% less stressful.

I dont see us working out long term if he uses and I follow suit. Im cut back like 75% right now and Im happy with it, besides the fact I want to quit ENTIRELY. This tincture plan is a good one. Edibles scare me because they are usually tasty little treats. I got kids. I would keel over in a heart attack for fear that the kids would find them, and eat them. But the drops can be locked up easier.
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post #20 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:43 PM
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Re: Confession time...and update.

Nice update and you made me laugh with your BDSM stuff. Trust is most important in this situations. Be carefull with him

Now back to your Marriage.
This is all good because you have a Plan. The two of you spend a lot of money on drugs. For your situation I can understand a little bit,but your Husband is going to deep and out of control.

Maybe you should try another medication just to save money and be healtier. I work in Hospital so I can ask one of the Doctors for advise .
Doing Yoga is really nice way to stay heatly. Add some walk in the park with your Husband. This is nice way to grow closer with each other and have some time just for the two of you. If he refuses then order him,after all you are the Master

You said this month was good in your Marriage. Just be careful because one of you are going to slip. It takes a lot to work on Marriage,especially the damaged one. Jut be persistent and dont give up hope.

When you feel comfortable and good with money sign yourself for MC. You should know you cant force him.It has to be his decision and willingness to fight for Marriage.

I am cheering for you. Take it step by step.

Stay strong.
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post #21 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: Confession time...and update.

Did you mention in another thread that you have friends that do yoga? Maybe you can schedule a yoga meet. That will keep you to a schedule if others expect you to do it with them.
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post #22 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 05:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confession time...and update.

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Did you mention in another thread that you have friends that do yoga? Maybe you can schedule a yoga meet. That will keep you to a schedule if others expect you to do it with them.
umm...yes, I also mentioned in another later thread that they might be having an affair. It turned out that It was an emotional affair. I am still friends with her, but i hardly ever see him. Their kids still play together from time to time, but their private Yoga sessions have ended. And yoga is a private and personal path for me. I mediate and focus on my own movements and breath. My husband is my accountabilly buddy. So far Im doing more than one session a day. I normally do something at night, which fulfills my end of the deal anyway. I just do happen to double it so far with a morning Yoga session. I don't see myself not doing it. Even while sick. Its low impact.

Im traveling to Idaho this weekend friday to monday, I will test this theory on the road.

While im gone WH, will be in a (c) blocker, under the control of a lock box we bought online over a year ago. It is controlled by an ap, and I can remotely allow him out if there is something wrong. i also have a Surveillance camera than can rotate and look around when he is in the living room at night, and he can take the computer upstairs at night and keep skype open and automatically answer so I can have full access to him. (Sounds controlling, I know, but he bought me all the stuff. He wants to be controlled I guess...) So I have no worries about this weekend for my fitness or for him using weed, Because I hid that well. I have no worries about cheating, he is locked up as we speak, I don't worry about computer because I can find anything anyway, And I can watch real time over the Surveillance camera.

One thing this outrageous control has given me? Peace of mind. I know this is not for everyone, but Im leaving town. I have not one worry.
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post #23 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confession time...and update.

So...update to update.

Things changed.

So, the BDSM control really helped him quit weed initially but he was one of the few to suffer extreme rages. (They are over now)

Well last i left you all off on was I was about to go away for a few days to Idaho to see my elderly aunt who is Difficult in the extreme. She payed for my mother to fly over and to pay for the car rental and we were going to road trip to her because i needed to haul back some boxes of things from the family.

My husband and i went through prep before i left and we determined that I could use the web cam and (keep an eye on things) I did not really need it to check up on him, but i didnt really even want to go on the trip in the first place so being able to see the kids playing or him poking around the house was comforting, not because i feared him cheating.

He WAS fine with it. I kissed him goodbye and it was a friendly have a safe trip. 2 hours into the trip I checked the web cam and he snapped. HE THOUGHT I WAS BEING TOO INVASIVE, that he didnt think he could do BDSM anymore because i was just too paranoid. He had even talked me into letting him out of the **** blocker because his balls had a visible chaffing sore. (reasonable issue!) I had no problem, but with his rage and attitude I responded back in an authoratative way because we were still in BDSM mode. Well, we ended up in a HUGE fight, enough that i could not conceal it.

My mother and i had just had a conversation minuets before this all went down that things were good.

He basically said he wanted a divorce over Text. I demanded him to clarify because it seemed like CRAZY that he would flip a switch so fast.

I made it down to Oregon, and was shaking. He demanded a divorce over text and now was no answering. I cancelled the trip very tearfully and emotionally because WTF? My kids are alone with this nut job. I raced home. Told my mom to just tell my aunt the truth because well....this seemed divorceable. and he was demanding it over text (which i showed my mom) and told her everything. from BDSM, EVERYONE KNOWS IN MY FAMILY NOW.



He didnt have a clue. He was picking up our sons from school when he came home and saw me. What happened next was a fight of epic proportions. He moved himself into the shed again, and informed him that everyone know everything, from his BDSM KInks to the cheating, and that there was no hiding himself anymore. He flipped **** for a while but then calmed down and was shaking. He realized that he had actually lost his ****ing mind and threw away my aunts 4,000$ investment to have us visit her, and my mothers time. (during this time my father wound up in the hospital with afib, because of the stress i was going through) I also informed my WH of this and he just broke down.

Next day I was not talking to him but he wanted to talk to my mom. He poured out his heart to her that he was messed up and this was all his fault, he does not know why he acted so irrationally. my mom told him that for this **** she and my family will fund my divorce and custody proceedings if need be, and if he wanted to repair any relationship it needed to be focused on getting right with me his wife. She also told him that she was massively disappointed in the father he was and the husband he was. A good man would not have put me in such a state on a big trip like I was doing.

I have cooled when it comes to my anger. He is shamed HARD CORE. Especially when it comes to my dad being hospitalized.

My mom raced home back to Hawaii to take care of my dad, the ticked change was 400$ more.

My WH cant hide his crazy anymore. I broadcasted it to the world. Im done with that ****. Since then he has been meek. I let him back in the house because its still cold here and in our bed, but he is not allowed to touch me. When it comes to marriage, i dont know. But i will tell you this. I WILL NEVER go outside of my comfort zone for BDSM with him again. He is unstable and frankly I suffer PTSD from just that alone now. I threw away the 100$ of dollars we had spent on toys through out the years and the stuff we had just bought the week before, and i told him Im done with that. If he wants that there is the door. walk out. He is still here.

I cant say i hate him right now. I just think during the time that he was coming off weed he was crazy. Emotional and unpredictable. He still is to me.... But he has shown a good while being stable, apologetic, and shamed, but not woe is me shamed...

I don't know what Im going to do. Divorce is very possible.

Yes it did cross my mind that maybe his episode was actually planned... but i dont actually believe it was.


Since this all went down I am on day 25 of Yoga everyday. Im 12 lbs down from when I started, I have not smoked weed in 5 days, and I FEEL GREAT. I went and saw my doctor on Tuesday and he prescribed me better meds, and 24 hour anti inflamatory and a mild muscle relaxer. It does not make me sleepy.

I eliminated coffee and soda from my diet and all food in moderation.

So though my WH and i are not on a great page, IM DOING FANTASTIC. in many ways im embarrassed that everyone knows about EVERYTHING including our sex life...but it does feel good to know my family is united behind me and will do anything to keep me in a good situation. IM NOT AFRAID anymore. My aunt now hates him and is trying to re write her will to figure out a way to only give me the money.... I have a feeling she will give me an ultimatum to divorce him or be written out of the will. i have never been interested in the money...I don't care.

My husband sees it now, and he has even commented that Im different since this last episode, EVEN different than i was when i kicked him out to the shed. I told him "yep. That it just might have been the last ****ing straw." He said "im stronger than he is, he has never seen me so committed to fitness or food control, that i even stopped weed easier than him." He is just beside himself seeing me in a sense 180.

I think he is now actually fearful that i wont take even a tiny bit of his bull**** anymore. My patience and love is wasted away. He cried and asked if i love him anymore. I told him that i don't like thinking that he is a man i cant allow myself to love. But this is how i see it. I cant allow myself to feel for him the sentimentality of our history anymore. Cling to a life i thought we had. Im done holding on.

He is scrambling. Doing everything he can to soften me...But i have hardened. I dont care anymore if we divorce....

That is terrifying him. Last night I was awaked by him muttering aloud that he was an idiot crazy and that he loved me and that he was sorry for everything. I felt him touch my cheek in the dark and i started to feel something, but i just tried to ignore the emotion. But then i worried that he might be suicidal so i stayed awake for a long time faking being asleep as he tried to snuggle into my side, but a great big pillow is dividing us now.

I guess I checked out. Im going to counseling Im focusing on me and my kids and this Yoga plan and weightloss. I also need to focus on my Russian because in the fall I plan on going to Belarus to see my best Skype buddy ever. I talk to her everyday. i am moving on from trying to save the marriage. I dont need to file. I dont even need to separate, Im fine just where I am right now focusing on me.
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post #24 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: Confession time...and update.

Geez.

Us.

Key.

Riced.

Been a while since I read through any of your threads and HOLY CRAP this guy sounds like a total nut job.

Not sure what to say other than that.

Oh, and "Divorce."

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #25 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confession time...and update.

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Geez.

Us.

Key.

Riced.

Been a while since I read through any of your threads and HOLY CRAP this guy sounds like a total nut job.

Not sure what to say other than that.

Oh, and "Divorce."

Gus, in the past i didnt want to agree with you, but you know what? You just probably might be right.


Thing is Im in no hurry. Divorce is stressful. Im in a place at the present moment where im not fazed by this anymore.

Is this a done deal? Probably...but right now I have my priority...and thats ME.

Can he worm his way back in? Don't know. Don't care. Im not waiting for it.

You could say we are in house separating right now, but i dont even want that conversation or the potential argument that would bring.

I guess i no longer respect him enough to discuss anything in relation to marriage. If i file for divorce, he wont get a heads up or a warning...

Before i used to talk to him about everything. Now im not sharing. the silence says more than words could.

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post #26 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: Confession time...and update.

I stay away from edibles, I got a really bad panic attack and anxiety was in the hospital also .
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post #27 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:59 PM
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Re: Confession time...and update.

Crazy. Absolutely crazy.

Sorry, that's all I've got. My brain is still trying to wrap 'round that post.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #28 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:27 PM
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Re: Confession time...and update.

Speaking as a Moderator:

It may be easier to list the rules that were not broken in the previous 20 or so posts that I just deleted.

Clean it up folks. Thank you and enjoy your weekend.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #29 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:09 PM
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Re: Confession time...and update.

Duuuuuuddde

I used to smoke weed for Australia. I was an olympic standard, gold medal, stoned out of my mind pot head. Oh yeah

I have not touched it for around 25 years.

I totally get that dope is one of the best medications for lots of things. I also think that if you use it like a nice bottle of wine then it is far less destructive than alcohol. It is psychologically addictive which is a nice way of saying. "Geez that was good. Lets do it again." It is not physically addictive.

When you are gold medal pot head it has some side effects that you are seeing.
The major ones are
Paranoia
Short term memory loss
Paranoia

The last one in that list, whatever it was, is normally the reason people give up the weed. Everything you describe sounds like a burnt out pot head who went way, way too far.

It can take a few months to stabilize and the truth is that once the old brain thing has decided to link weed with Oh My God they are out to get me then the drug is no longer any fun. Ever.

Short term memory does come back . It takes a while though and when you give up it makes it more frustrating because you just lose a shoe all the time. You didn't know you forgot before because you were forgetting you forgot.

Anyway. Take it easy. be kind to yourself. It does all come back and life while clearer is not awful.
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post #30 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confession time...and update.

thanks mods for the deleting. I will behave. Now i can move on. Seeing that **** was a hella trigger for me. Thanks again guys.

I dont feel safe here at all, but it is nice to see so many are not like that.


To make a confession and basically be called a liar...well you can imagine it hurts. It takes vulnerability to make a confession. And i'm not sure i can be vulnerable again.
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