Confession time...and update.
Okay...I have not been entirely honest with you all about extenuating troubles in my marriage. For valid reasons (I might add) But the need for dishonesty is no longer needed.
My husband is a Pot head. (I am one too to a degree) Washington legalized rec. weed almost two years ago I think... Maybe less. But anyway beside the point. He was a heavy pot head before my major car accident. I smoked on weekends, and sometimes after kids went to bed. But i was NOT a heavy user. Because I was not a very heavy user it was harder for my husband to lay off the weed suddenly because I was smoking for pain and getting stoned with him too now. (Yes i have a prescription, but he does not. And the reason is because they prescribed me percocet all the time and muscle relaxers, and it was too much too handle. I needed to not get dangerously addicted to pills.)
Anyway, you can imagine that his work would not smile kindly upon that. So while he smoked any reference to our use of it could jeopardize his job. So this is why the lack of full truth.
His smoking WAS off the charts, spending 600-800$ a MONTH on his/my habit, and me buying it for him (enabling him) My pain keeping me feeling like I needed it...AND not feeling I had any room to speak because I was using too. So, things didn't get done. Dreams didn't get built. Depression gets DEEPER AND DEEPER. Our marriage keeps crumbling.
He never wanted to do anything, (Because if he was home he was stoned, and it was rubbing off more and more on me. I stopped just medicating, now I was using it to cope with life. Something my husband had done for a long long time before. ((Years))
We were not present for the kids, we became angry at each other because we felt stuck... I wanted him to quit, but how can I ask that when I use too?
Well, things have completely 180'd in life, and I never want to go back to that way again.
We made a few LAYERED deals. Deal one. He wants an exclusive BDSM relationship for the next 6 months. Im master. (we are one month in)
I don't buy him weed, I can buy my medication for myself, but since he wont be smoking I can go to using it STRICTLY as medication (since that is the point of it, not to be abused).
On his side, a further motivation is I do yoga EVERYDAY for 30 min, for every day he is sober. We have a deal here too.
I am also pairing the yoga everyday with eating right, but that is not any part of the deal. Food habits are too easily broken, but 30 min a day Yoga I CAN DO.
With this time, He is sober now and we have saved nearly 700$ this month.
I am saving every dollar we used to spend on the weed and Im saving it in an account and we are using that to make our dreams happen.
I am so sorry for not shedding light on this facet of our story, but being that he is sober now and intends to be for life I feel it's an okay time to share this.
My plan? Yoga everyday, and eating right may help me lose the extra weight Im carrying in hopes that being in less pain will mean I can quit weed too. It's not good on my lungs and with my heart and health history I want to be 100% sober.
(I have tried MANY other medications. I don't want to damage my liver or kidneys. and this is chronic pain so unless I can get rid of the pain all together I may need to take something for life, but doctors think if I lost 50-80lbs, I would no longer have so much pain. So...Im going with that. I am hoping we will be a 100% sober household in a few months to a year.
My husband has completely changed in regards to weed. He does not miss smoking. He does not miss coughing, he just has rage at times, (Weed withdrawl) Because its BDSM, i can punish and control his anger. I have tools I and can lock him up or ball gag him. Sounds kinky...but in my mind off and on the last three four weeks he was a bit of an ass hole and I really had to do something. Well....it seems to work. The moment I think he is triggery with rage I send him to our room, I lock him up and gag him and tell him to go ahead and scream. He screams till he is hoarse and tired, then when he is tired I let him out.
Its utterly strange this new dynamic, but somehow currently its working and keeping us both accountable and in check.
I keep getting hopeful that this will work, and it seems to be, but this is not my idea of normal. Do we really just make our own rules in a marriage if we want?
Finances just got a hell of a LOT easier, His attitude when not ragy is AMAZING, not just submissive, he plays with the kids, he is happy and engaged... I have not seen him like this in years.
I am scared to death that it will go back to the way it was a month ago, (And i didn't even realize back then was bad, i thought it was improving, but this... this is 180 a different life, a different man. I don't know how to explain my surprise. But there is also fear... Fear that this will all derail. That because we were this good that the derailment will be devastating. I don't know if i have it in me to come back from another failure.
So, i have a lot of good to update, but also a lot of unsure feelings.