Seeking Advice - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Seeking Advice

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Originally Posted by Abe View Post
In order to ensure my ex-wife did not give me any resistance as to having my daughter live with me, I did something that i regret dearly. I had text exchanges with my ex-wife to make her feel she was getting her way. The texts were not sexual in nature or anything of the sort but none the less they could be perceived as flirting.

Abe, I've been around long enough to know of an acronym your looking for. Its YFOS. (you're full of shyt) I know why you were toying around with your ex wife. You do to. Hint, its got little to do with your daughter. But it sounds good. Stick to it and maybe your new squeeze will let you slide. In the meantime, have fun diddling with both these women.


If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Seeking Advice

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I would just be generally nice...and a few times I bought her a bottle of alcohol. I figured to do this to keep her "quiet" from taking me to court and stuff.
Well, what did the text messages consist of? Your fiance needs to understand co-parenting can be a tough situation and a balancing act to keep the peace. So, your offered a bottle of alcohol to the mother of your child. I do not see an issue here. But again, what did the texts consist of? Working both women?

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: Seeking Advice

This is a good post.

I would add, it's very common for the person in Abe's position to have an instinct to try to hide/minimize the interaction with the ex from the current love. It's a natural instinct because, as someone else said, there is a natural jealousy/competition between the ex and current one. But as soon as you become the slightest bit evasive, you start FEEDING the insecurity of your current partner. You're trying to humor your ex, but you're hiding that from your current and your current feels it.

One thing you can do from here on out is to try to include your fiance in any interactions with your ex. You need to drop off or pick up the child? Invite your fiance to join you, use it as an opportunity to take her out for a quick bite/treat/walk in the park just the two of you before the exchange, or the two of you and your child together afterward.

Even if she doesn't want to go, the invitation will make her feel less insecure that you're having personal time with the ex.

You need to talk with your ex about your child's grades, medical condition, summer camp, whatever -- talk with your fiance about it first. Any time you talk with your ex, mention it to your fiance. And try to avoid it when not necessary. Think of it this way - if you didn't have a child togehter, there would be NO reason for you to be visiting her to take her booze or just talk or whatever when you're engaged to someone else. Anything you wouldn't want your fiance talking about or doing with her ex's should be off limits.

Also, be honest with yourself about how much of your unnecessary niceness is really about custody. I'm not saying it's not, but the things you've done are very typical for men in your situation (as is your fiance's reaction typical for women in her situation). And the real reason most men do it are 1) to keep the peace/avoid conflict, and 2) Because it feels good to have your ex regret losing you/still need you. That's human nature. But indulging it will ruin your current relationship.

Buying the ex booze was definitely a bad idea, IMO. @Abe, I'd still like an example of something flirty that you said to your ex.


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Originally Posted by Mizzbak View Post
Abe, for me the issue is around your privacy walls.

Imagine that a married (or engaged) couple builds a wall around the two of them. The two of you inside, everyone else - outside. Inside that wall, you have secrets that are just between the two of you. Outside that wall you can have other walls appropriate for family and friends. But, when you interact with anyone else, you NEVER build a privacy wall that excludes your spouse from your relationship with that other person i.e. no secrets that exclude your spouse/fiance.

I don't know what you said to your ex. Maybe it wasn't even that flirtatious. But, whilst you may not have overtly "hidden" it from your fiancee, you didn't openly share it with her either. I haven't had the stress of being in a second marriage with managing my kids and ex from my first; but if I was in that situation, I imagine what I'd want to be certain of is that my fiance's first loyalty lay with me and vice versa.

I'd suggest that you first discuss future interactions with your ex, with your fiance. Don't just keep her in the loop, but actively engage her in how you are managing your relationship with your ex right for the start. It probably isn't always practical, but where possible, ask her opinion on important messages you send to your ex before you send them. You're not asking her permission, but you are giving her insight into what (and more importantly why) you're saying whatever it is you're saying. You're also giving her the security of knowing that she can never be surprised by anything that your ex may claim you said/did.

It may be necessary for you to seem "nicer" (although this should have limits) towards your ex than you actually feel. If your fiance knows firstly, that you're doing it and secondly, why you're doing it, then (if I were her) I'd feel completely secure in your priorities.
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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:21 PM
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Re: Seeking Advice

You lied and got caught.. What I mean by that is you were doing something behind your Fiance back even if it was to keep the peace with the Ex wife but you did it behind her back.

Now you want to submit evidence about the past but have nothing to back it up beyond you have to believe me.

I equate this to my Ex Fiance telling me she got a call or text messages months ago but didn't show me. So now when I accuse of of wrong doing she would get all offended and mad..

You have no leg to stand on.. Whether you were stupid or short sighted. If you are going to do something that clearly is off color you need to simply tell your partner.. Hey look if I fight with her it will be worse.. Do you mind if I suck up to her not to get into a fight ? I'm right here you can see what I am going to text her so she will STFU.. You can okay it before I send it..

But other than that.. Are you divorced from your ex wife ? What more can she do to you ? Are you hiding something from her ?

So she takes you to court ? What happens.. She can't keep asking for more money unless there is a change in your income by a certain percentage ?
She can't go in and say he got a dollar rise I want my 50 cents..

Further if your daughter wants to be with you.. I am sure that will be a court fight.. No one is going to give away child support they are getting and in turn pay it themselves..

Only thing you can do is apologize as you did already and don't do stupid sh!t like this again.. NO SECRETS....NEVER...
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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:32 PM
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Re: Seeking Advice

You should really tell us what you said. Currently, I'm fence sitting. I know what you did, I was nice as well, but you failed by not including your fiance. I rarely talked with my ex without my wife present. This isn't always feasible, but I always informed her of the conversations. Still, there is a catch-22 because everything could have been above board and your fiance would still be mad. Custody issues make you do stupid things. Nope, I'm not going vlad's route or the cheating route until I hear more. I still agree with those that call it cheating, but I am biased as I went through a similar situation.



You were wrong, but I can't say how wrong. This is the type of scenario I ALWAYS bring up to men who have a child in or out of wedlock. Trying to bypass child support and custody leads to all types of trouble. I was very nice, put myself on CS and promptly was protected. The most basic
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