What to do? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
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What to do?

I have been married for the last 8 years and it was rocky after the birth of our kids. Partially due to postpartum. I am very active in raising our children and give my wife ample free time to pursue her hobbies and exercise. She is a stay at home mom. Recently in the past few months, she has changed her hairstyle, seemed to become more distant and is going out with friends much more. Sometimes just to dinner with married friends. But a few times in the last few months, she has organized girls going out together. She told me she ran into one of her single friends but I found out through her phone that she had planned to meet her. She also discussed a mutual friend with her single friend and said he had a crush on her and she thought he was cute. She texted that friend and told him to meet her out with the girls. He declined. How do I proceed from here?
I adore my children and want to stay together for them and would like to work it out with her as well. She has said in the past she wouldn't go to counseling.


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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: What to do?

Seems like she is getting one too many girls night out. Get a babysitter and start going out with your wife. No more girls night out. Where ever she goes so do you. You want to rebuild trust? Start by spending more time with your wife.
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 07:03 PM
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Re: What to do?


Have you gone through her phone or put spy software on it, your answers will be found there.

Hire a private investigator.

She is in an affair or very close to being in one, too many red flags.

Don't let on that you know, play dumb or she will take it further underground.

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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 07:04 PM
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Re: What to do?

This does not look good.

This post may be of help to you, please read it carefully Standard Evidence Post

And good luck.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 08:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What to do?

I looked through the phone. Haven't put spyware on it. Don't know apple id and password. Recommendations?
Thanks for the help
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 08:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What to do?

I did not find any texts but those can be deleted especially from other iphone users. I forgot to check words with friends.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 08:31 PM
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Re: What to do?

Nip it in the bud. Do not fear hearing that you were spying on her. If you have any chance, just say to her that you happened by chance to see that conversation. Let her know that you are disappointed, and that you are now concerned. Be up front. Ask why she wanted the guy to meet her when she is out with the girls. I know a lot of people here on this site will say to lay in wait so that you can pounce when she does go for the A. I believe that it is in it's earliest seeking stage. You may be able to avoid a possible infidelity situation. You may get a fight out of this, but she will know that you are vigilant and hurt by her actions.
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 08:42 PM
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Re: What to do?

Quit being passive.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: What to do?

You know this is wrong.

How long will you sit back and allow this to continue?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 09:13 PM
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Re: What to do?

Originally Posted by lovemykids2017 View Post
I looked through the phone. Haven't put spyware on it. Don't know apple id and password. Recommendations?
Thanks for the help
Voice activated Recorder in her car, Velcroed under her seat. Purchase a good one at Best Buy. Maybe another one in the house where she makes calls from.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 09:55 PM
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Re: What to do?

You should get a copy of those chats/emails. You can just take a photo with your cell phone if nothing else.

Next, if she backs up her iPhone to a desktop or laptop using iTunes you should be able to get a good look at what she's been doing. I am not an expert on accessing it, but it will be on her computer. Do a web search for where are iphone backup files stored on mac (or windows if applicable). There are ways to extract the data. You may need to purchase a program to do this.

Two significant issues here that I see. 1) Your wife is willing to go meet men for nefarious reasons. This requires you to quickly determine how bad it is, and to interrupt it. 2) Your marriage has problems which need to be addressed. Note that if she is doing what it appears she is doing, problems in the marriage are not the cause. Whatever imperfections you have as a husband are not causing her to go meet men in bars. It is not your fault. So, there are two issues to be worked on if the marriage is to survive. One is why she is capable of crossing these lines, and how to heal the relationship with you for having done these things. The second is for both of you to learn to be better spouses so that the future relationship can be much better. Don't let anyone (especially you!) try to lay the blame for her actions on you.

You could put a Voice Activated Recorder in her car, very well hidden so she doesn't find it. You could put a VAR in the house if there is a place she makes voice calls. You could put a GPS tracker on her car, though it seems you know where she is going. Those measures would give you answers within a week about what is going on.

There is merit to confronting her now. But, she will deny everything and she will become much more careful in hiding anything. The #1 rule is to never divulge your source of information. So you'll have to find a way to not say you looked at her phone.

One approach would be to say you want to spend more time with her, and while you are happy she has friends you are seeing your marriage being cut out of the loop. Her friends should be an addition to her social life, not a replacement for the marriage. Thus you would like to go out with her, perhaps with some of her friends even (or just the 2 of you).

Her friend who is enabling her with this other guy needs to go. She's toxic to your marriage.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 10:59 PM
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Re: What to do?

How often are you and the wife having sex? Hoping you aren't in a sexless marriage...
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: What to do?

First and foremost, identify who is not a friend of your marriage. What friend of your W is adding this. This person needs to go.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: What to do?

If she want's to meet the other guy, you probably can't stop her. Why would you want to be put in a position of being a PI/detective for the rest of you life anyway?

Tell her that you are aware of her desire to party with OM. Tell her you will not continue in a marriage with three people in it or a marriage where you can not trust your spouse and if this is what she wants to do, then you wish her the best in her new life a a divorced women.

Her reaction will show you what you need to know.
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