we've been together 16 years, married for 12 and after many unsuccessful pregnacies had a gorgeous, beautiful, precious love of my life daughter 5 years ago...as a couple we've grown distant physically and emotionally over past few years but together we love our daughter immensly, and that seemed enough for me...turns out not for her. 6 months ago I saw a text from a co-worker professing his love for her, her response was a "sad face". I confronted her that I "knew" something was going on and she swore on our daughter and her late father nothing was going on...that was powerful for me so I gave her benefit of the doubt, i was wrong, she has been "seeing" this same guy for past 6 months...I found a secret yahoo account where they mail each other back and forth. There isn't a "smoking gun" e-mail trail proving actual intercourse but a few texts suggest it strongly. I consulted an attorney and saw a counselor and am planning to confront her after Christmas (didn't want to ruin it for my daughter)...BUT I am so so so sad about not seeing my daughter everyday AND it looks like they have broken up. Recent e-mails say she is still married, has a daughter and doesn't want the drama being found out would cause. She's been nice and warm since then but I can't look at her without getting angry and the "acting" is killing me. Am I wrong for still wanting a divorce? Am I being selfish where my daughter is concerned? I don't think the underlying reasons as to why she strayed will change because we just don't have passion for each other anymore...thoughts? And thanks
Talk to each other before you act on divorce. It doesn't make sense that you are mad when you say that you don't have passion for her anymore. If that was true, you wouldn't care so much.
Find out what you both want, and even what you wanted before you found out about her affair.
Thanks, that's a valid point-It's hard to pinpoint why I get angry and at the same time describe why we don't feel any sort of passion for each other...my anger comes from knowing our daughter is going to be hurt by us not being married, it also comes from knowing she texts this guy when I'm home with her or with my daughter...I do plan on confronting her after xmas to see what we both want, it's possible she'll be relieved and can move on as well, but I doubt it...she's going to blame me for pushing her into an affair
Either way- divorce or reconciliation- you still have to confront her and deal with this issue head-on.
And no... you're not being selfish for considering divorce. This is one consequences(the other being reconciliation) when it comes to infidelity.
If you DO want to try and reconcile, you must deal with the loss of passion in your marriage by going to counseling. When all options are exhausted, and you still feel divorce is the only outcome, then so be it. Don't feel pressured into staying in the marriage for any other reason than loving your wife. If you do, this will only bring resentment and animosity between the two of you. What kind of life is that for you and your child if the parents don't show her true love between two people- a parents love for one another.
As one who had an affair, it's an individual choice. No one pushes anyone into something like that.
You could approach her and say calmly that you are aware of her affair and can somewhat understand why it happened. But it hurts just the same. We need to talk about lots of things.
Then go from there. Both of you have to agree to be 100% honest regardless of the pain of what you each may hear and realize what is really happening with your marriage.
If she blames you, then you have your answer for sure. Divorce. She has to own her sh!t. You have to come at her with both barrels. Say this to her. "I know you have been having an affair. I am divorcing you." That and nothing more. Then observe her response if its blame shifting, dump the skank. If she becomes a mascara and snot running mess, there may be hope. Remember she lied to your face. And you had to find out for yourself. So you cannot trust a word she says. Get a keylogger and multiple vars so you can record what happens when you lower the boom. You need to be careful, because adulteresses will bring false charges so she can get you kicked out of the house. I would also separate finances. Shock and awe my friend. Shock and awe.
Frankly. Ignoring it and rug sweeping will mean that it will fire back up with him or another guy.
Talk to her about it and if it is done and over good. But you still need to deal with the why and how it happened. You'll need marriage counselling to recover the marriage
Even if she says it is over remember it can fire up again so demand full details and transparency from her. If OM is married you need to call her and talk with her. Fo not warn your wife about doing it. She didn't warn you of the affair. You don't warn her about talking to the OMW Posted via Mobile Device
You know, familiarity breeds contempt. I could just be that when you confront her and you both realize what's at stake that the passion returns, it's called hysterical bonding. It certainly doesn't happen in every instance but it does happen, it all depends on if you are both willing to reconcile and if so willing to do the things necessary. On the other hand divorce is also a reasonable outcome. Infidelity is rough.
Me personally I would try not to go into it with a predetermined outcome. I'd see what she had to say, how she behaved and make the decision that felt right when it feels right to do so - there is no rush. Either way the marriage you had is over. Even if you decide to reconcile it will be a different marriage than the one you had. If you love each other and she is genuinely remorseful, takes accountability for what she did, and does what you need to reestablish some peace of mind then there is the possibility that your new marriage could be better than your old one.
Thanks Her Too - I've had a few weeks to let the emotions roll through me and I've talked to a couselor 3 times so I think I'll be calm...
It it - I'm embarrased to admit this but she admitted 4 months ago to hiding close to $150,000 from me in a seperate account that has only her name on it...I know all about it and my atty says there's no way for her to shift it without the potential of losing it all due to fraud...I do think she'll become a mascara snot running mess, but in my heart I think it'll be less about me and more about the "shame" of divorce, going it alone, etc....you're right, she looked me right in the face and swore nothing was going on, I tried to be the best husband I could after that because I KNEW that something had at least on an emotional level started...wasn't enough until she broke it off a few days ago...
If she was hiding money from you she was already planning to dump YOU. Now you have to figure out just why her plans have changed.
Maybe she's hanging on to you to have a baby sitter until she can find a different love interest?
If she was hiding money from you she was already planning to dump YOU. Now you have to figure out just why her plans have changed.
Maybe she's hanging on to you to have a baby sitter until she can find a different love interest?
O yes she is ready to move on . The affair is nowhere dead or she has picked up another OM. Affairs don't stop just like that its an addiction.
we've been together 16 years, married for 12 and after many unsuccessful pregnacies had a gorgeous, beautiful, precious love of my life daughter 5 years ago...as a couple we've grown distant physically and emotionally over past few years but together we love our daughter immensly, and that seemed enough for me...turns out not for her. 6 months ago I saw a text from a co-worker professing his love for her, her response was a "sad face". I confronted her that I "knew" something was going on and she swore on our daughter and her late father nothing was going on...that was powerful for me so I gave her benefit of the doubt, i was wrong, she has been "seeing" this same guy for past 6 months...I found a secret yahoo account where they mail each other back and forth. There isn't a "smoking gun" e-mail trail proving actual intercourse but a few texts suggest it strongly. I consulted an attorney and saw a counselor and am planning to confront her after Christmas (didn't want to ruin it for my daughter)...BUT I am so so so sad about not seeing my daughter everyday AND it looks like they have broken up. Recent e-mails say she is still married, has a daughter and doesn't want the drama being found out would cause. She's been nice and warm since then but I can't look at her without getting angry and the "acting" is killing me. Am I wrong for still wanting a divorce? Am I being selfish where my daughter is concerned? I don't think the underlying reasons as to why she strayed will change because we just don't have passion for each other anymore...thoughts? And thanks
No one sends an email to a co-worker saying "I love you" just based on at work interaction. Your instinct are right, something much deeper is going on. Now that you have found the secret email account I don't think you need to have it spelled out.
She has lied to you - repeatedly. She is still lying to you by maintaining the secret account.
You are not wrong for wanting a divorce. You are not being selfish. If you think that staying in a loveless marriage with a lying, betraying, secretive spouse will be better for your child than divorce - you are wrong. Kids can sense the tension between parents. Your daughter will be better off in the long run.
Infidelity is a deal breaker for many (myself included). You must do what is best for you to have a chance at being happy. Your daughter will be much better off with a happy father - not one who feels trapped.
So why has she not returned the cash? Or do you need to file a report of theft ? If is both your monies it stays in a joint account. Posted via Mobile Device
oldest story in the book but still hurts 
