Question About Hysterical Bonding - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 06:51 PM Thread Starter
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Question About Hysterical Bonding

I had never heard this term until i came here. Can someone explain what it is and how it affects a couple where Infidelity has happened?

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 07:15 PM
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I had never heard this term until i came here. Can someone explain what it is and how it affects a couple where Infidelity has happened?
For me, this is what it looked like

I wanted to have sex with my husband ALL THE TIME.
I wanted to be next to him all the time.
I wanted to talk about how good our relationship could be, all the time.

Basically it is what it says. Crazy bonding. Crazy bc something terrible just happened, yet you feel this urge to be super close.

Once it wears off, it's like hell. I became very depressed.
I have re read through my original post a couple of times, and I feel like it's easy to see my stages of grief through it. Denial. Bargaining with hysterical bonding. Now the depression and anger has set in.
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 07:24 PM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

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I had never heard this term until i came here. Can someone explain what it is and how it affects a couple where Infidelity has happened?
It's a subconscious attempt by one or both partners in a couple -- typically as a result of one of them perpetrating (and the other experiencing) infidelity -- to re-bond as quickly as possible through lots of intense sex.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 08:13 PM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

It's a carnal urge to reestablish territory. If you actually value trust and integrity, however, it is fleeting.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

Me exww and I had spectacular HB sex every single day of our 10 week false reconciliation. Like total pron star sex - incredibly intense, intimate, nasty, playful, hot, wonderful multiorgasmic sex. Once I got that out of my system, I left her and filed for divorce. It's wonderful while you're having it, but all it is is a mask...a distraction from the real issue. It's not enough to fix what the wayward spouse irreparably broke.

It is a strange phenomenon though.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

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Originally Posted by OnTheRocks View Post
It's a carnal urge to reestablish territory. If you actually value trust and integrity, however, it is fleeting.
Exactly. Especially for a male.

HB can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the timing. In my case it was the later. I dived head long into it much too quickly; when I should have been taking my time to process the betrayal.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

I experienced this as well. Still divorced her. **** that ****.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:11 PM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

My ex and I experienced this upon my initial discovery of her EA (probable PA). A good point was made. It's depressing when it ends. It's definitely unsustainable.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:16 PM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

If a man I was with cheated, the last thing I would want is to have sex with him. I wonder if its different for men and women?
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:43 PM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
If a man I was with cheated, the last thing I would want is to have sex with him. I wonder if its different for men and women?
No, gender doesn't dictate if one chooses to do the hysterical bonding with their WS. It differs from person to person. Most do it. Others want to get as far away from the WS as possible.


Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:37 AM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

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If a man I was with cheated, the last thing I would want is to have sex with him. I wonder if its different for men and women?
Until you've been betrayed in this way by someone you love deeply, dont say what you would or wouldn't do. You don't know. I assure you if someone told me I'd react in the way I did to my cheating wife, before it happened, I'd have laughed in their face.
Wait until you've invested 18 years of your life, had three kids with the person, and planned your entire life with them---- then you're told one day it's all over-- with no warning.
Then tell me how you'd react.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:44 AM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

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No, gender doesn't dictate if one chooses to do the hysterical bonding with their WS. It differs from person to person. Most do it. Others want to get as far away from the WS as possible.
I am not sure I could ever have sex with them again.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:45 AM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

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Until you've been betrayed in this way by someone you love deeply, dont say what you would or wouldn't do. You don't know. I assure you if someone told me I'd react in the way I did to my cheating wife, before it happened, I'd have laughed in their face.
Wait until you've invested 18 years of your life, had three kids with the person, and planned your entire life with them---- then you're told one day it's all over-- with no warning.
Then tell me how you'd react.
My first marriage ended very suddenly after 23 years, and my husbands first wife cheated after 23 years so I do know.
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:30 PM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

I did it... Felt like I wanted or needed to have sex with my cheating wife a lot right after I found out. Its just some BS in your head trying to fix whats wrong. Only.....you cant fix it. Nothing can ever fix it. That's just stage one for years of hurt you are about to go through.

I am disgusted with myself when I think about it 6+ years later. I was completely out of my mind and not thinking clearly. I should have never touched her again, and kicked her out of the house the night I found out.

But the feelings were very real to me at the time. And I understand why others would think the same way and do the same things.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Question About Hysterical Bonding

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Its just some BS in your head trying to fix whats wrong.
It's a PURELY caveman evolutionary response to being suddenly made aware that their is foreign semen in your mate's vagina.

Due to procreational instincts, we will feel an insatiable need to have frequent sex to impregnate before the other semen does.

We all like to believe that we are so evolved as a species but virtually all people are still subconsciously slaves to these urges.

We may not "think" like this anymore mentally but your body very much still responds to this instinctual caveman behavior.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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