I was wrong and Now he wants a divorce. Please help me!

iqizhigh · 01-16-2009, 11:30 AM

I never thought I would be posting on a board about something so private, but I am so desperate I don't know what to do. I have been married to my husband for one year now and dated him for two years before that. We had a very interesting relationship throughout. When things were good, they were great, when they weren't they were absolutely horrific! He is a 50 year old Italian and is verrrry passionate so when he was mad, he was pissed, like get out and get out now and don't you ever come back kind of pissed. I am 31.

Well we went to counseling off and on and seemed to be on a good road, until lately (this past year) the affection has been low and the sex was well, boring and just things were just dull. So I met some guys on line and actually sent them some pretty racy pics. They reciprocated, but I never did anything physically. Well he went through my phone about two weeks ago and found them. To say he was livid is an understatement. He has since initiated divorce proceedings, he has called everyone in my phone to investigate, as of late he has served me with intent to vacate and divorce papers and I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom and we have not spoken or on some occasions not even seen each other in days. I spoke to him today about a security issue at the house and he just went off, he now says he wants to sell the house and move away because he is so upset about all of this. I believe that he is serious about the divorce, but I am just totally devastated.

What can I say? I was wrong to do what I did, but I just needed some attention. I was a great wife in every other respect, I cooked, cleaned, had sex whenever he wanted, I was supportive, loving, fun and attractive. I am heart broken and figuratively sitting in a dark corner turning the lights off and on. I have two months before I have to leave the house. Can anyone tell me what to do, because I am clueless and I love my husband I just made a mistake....

sunflower · 01-16-2009, 12:12 PM

I think that you were in the starting of something physical. I mean just because you didnt act on anything physical it was only a matter of time? I think that you and your husband need to have a long talk of why it was that you decided to stray and look for excitement from someone other then him.

iqizhigh · 01-16-2009, 12:19 PM

Thanks for replying, I think you are right, but I know why I did what I did, we had had many conversations about his not being affectionate or even attentive and he had said many times that he would but never did. I am now willing to go to counseling for myself to see why I feel I need attention from him instead of finding other things to do. I do believe that I was truly lonely. He would spend 6-8 hours a weekday on youtube, we have no kids, no family or friends here, just work and each other. Believe me I am not excusing myself for what I did, but at that time I was just...lonely.

and now it's too late it seems, I have two months to try and repair a hole similar to the one in the ozone. It seems impossible!

sunflower · 01-16-2009, 01:51 PM

Well I dont think that you need to go see what is wrong with you I think that its normal to want attention and feel wanted and if he isnt showing you that its very hard. Your self esteem everything you feel gets shatterd. I mean I have been in the same sittuation of wanting attention not feeling like my husband wanted me blah blah. I never acted on it I did start to develop feelings for other men though wanting that something that I felt was missing. Its just dangerous road. But maybe there are other things that you can do to get his attention things you did when you were dating!

Blanca · 01-16-2009, 01:52 PM

wow sounds like that is one dude you do not mess with. has he done something like this in the past? has he threatened to leave, kick you out, or anything in the past?

Initfortheduration · 01-16-2009, 03:53 PM

You need to write him a letter and then read it to him. Ask him to sit down and let you read it to him.

Before you start reading, tell him you love him very much and ask him to please let you finish the whole letter before he responds. Tell him that you accept full responsibility for what has happened. Tell him it was a betrayal of our love and our vows. Explain to him that you have been so lonely and though it is no excuse. You felt that you and him had grown apart and in a moment of weakness, I screwed up. Though I did not have a physical affair. I was thinking about other men. I know that what I have done has destroyed your trust in me, and you are absolutely justified in feeling this way. Even though I don't deserve it, I am hoping that you will be merciful and give me the opportunity to redeem myself in your eyes. I am willing to do anything that is required. I also hope that you would consider going to marriage counseling so that you can express your anger, and that I can learn to communicate my needs better to you. I am asking you to please consider forgiving me for what has happened. In the future I will be completely transparent regarding any communication by phone or computer. I will do this as long as it takes for you to rebuild your trust in me. Since your discovery, I have not nor will I ever contact these men again. I know what I have done has hurt you deeply and I am absolutely sick over it. But I do love you and want to make our marriage work. Thank you for letting me read this to you. I am now willing to listen to anything that you have to say and hope you will talk to me about how your feeling. I love you.

Then you sit there and hope he opens up to you. Under no circumstances are you to in anyway try to justify what you did.
Even if he is just as guilty as you are for the state of your marriage. He may yell, he may cry, that is what you hope for. Just sit there shut up and listen. He is obviously a very proud man. And I wrote this in a way to show how contrite you are over this. I wish you the best of luck.

iqizhigh · 01-17-2009, 07:00 PM

Thank you all for your responses. He has done this in the past, and as a matter of fact it has been a lot worse. he has called me a gold digging nigger, he has pushed me he has called my 80 year old grandmother and I told her I was a sl*t for "infractions" a lot less. Everyday I wait for his anger to get worse. Friday he made the person that I sent the pic to and made him meet with him to discuss the extent of our relationship. He invited me to go for "closure", I declined because I had another pressing engagement. Today (Saturday) he left a written transcript of what happened during this meeting in my room... Perhaps it is just better to let him go because he is so extreme, but I do love him and want to work this out. I would love to write the letter as recommended but don't think he would allow me to read it to him, at least not right now... I hate to think this is cultural and don't want to offend anyone Italian from South Philly, but in all of the times past that he has been even remotely this extreme he claims this is why he is the way he is. I will be patient and do what has been suggested here, though I am truly terrified he may actually leave me.

Thanks all! :-(

Blanca · 01-18-2009, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iqizhigh

he has called me a gold digging nigger, he has pushed me he has called my 80 year old grandmother and I told her I was a sl*t for "infractions" a lot less. Everyday I wait for his anger to get worse.

So why are you afraid he'll leave you? Dont you ever want to leave him? why do you love him? It sounds like you are afraid of him.

iqizhigh · 01-19-2009, 11:29 AM

I am not afraid of him, but I am afraid of how destructive he can be. He is incessant at proving a point and defending his "image". My talking to these other guys makes him feel insecure and inadequate, I know he is really hurt, but that is when he is the most dangerous. Last night he packed up more of my things - for me...I am afraid to talk to him for fear that I may something to upset him even more. Every thing that I have read says that I should just admit responsibility, apologize and let him have space and wait it out...But every day he does something a little more outrageous to demonstrate his anger. I suppose I should just let the divorce happen, but I really do love him. I just wanted a hug occasionally, how did it come to this!? Should I just let go?

Thanks All,

Sad in MD

GPR · 01-19-2009, 01:52 PM

Honestly, the fact that you even have the thought of letting him go says a lot.

Most people in your situation, they may think of it as a possible outcome, but they never something they would do on their own. The fact that this is even an option for you makes me think that some part of you thinks it's the right thing to do.

You really need to think this over. From the sounds of things, he isn't the type of person that I would want to be with.

You need to ask yourself if you really want to stay? Or if you maybe are afraid of change, of being on your own, guilt for what you did...

Take a step back and really think about what you want.

iqizhigh · 01-22-2009, 03:47 PM

Thank you for making me take a step back from this. I can only hope that the end result is as positive as possible for us both.

Blanca · 01-23-2009, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iqizhigh

I suppose I should just let the divorce happen, but I really do love him. I just wanted a hug occasionally, how did it come to this!? Should I just let go?

You just wanted a hug occasionally? so does he not show you affection?

Just from what you have written, it sounds like he uses threats and angry to control you. It sounds like your needs have been repressed.

Im sure everything will work out, either way. he might even calm down eventually. its good that he's taking your actions so seriously, b/c i do think what you did was wrong even if he wasnt showing you affection. You've got to learn to communicate, and not let him intimidate you into suppressing what you need. and if you continually dont get what you need, then think about leaving, but not cheating.

iqizhigh · 01-23-2009, 10:31 PM

Thank you ever so kindly for your sound advice. He hasn't been affectionate in some time now. He kept saying that he would but hardly ever was. He is confusing sex for affection. He keeps saying that he can't have sex with me every day and I keep saying I am just asking for a hug or a touch every day. We have started talking as of late, I am just keeping my mouth shut and listening to what he has to say, accepting resposibility for what I have done wrong and hoping for the best :-)

Blanca · 01-25-2009, 04:15 PM

my H tells me all the time that i dont touch him enough, too. i just dont think about it. it helped me, though, to realize that touch is one of his love languages. its not really one of mine. there's a book called "The Five Love Languages." i dont know if it would help in your situation, but you might give it a try.

mommieof3 · 01-28-2009, 08:31 AM

From what I have read on all of your posts is how angry and controlling and unaffectionate that he is to you? Are you sure that you are IN love with him or do you just love him and confortable with him. There is a difference. WHile it is always hard to start over on your own but if the time is now then it is now. Just be thankful that at this time there are not any children involved. While what you did was wrong yes but what he is doing to you is not right either. Withholding Love and Affection is not good either. I hope that it works out for you and hope all the best for you. However you should never be scared of your spouse for any reason.