Big Fight update - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 7Likes
  • 2 Post By katies
  • 1 Post By CharlieParker
  • 2 Post By drifting on
  • 1 Post By katies
  • 1 Post By manwithnoname
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 04:33 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Big Fight update

I had a very good discussion with IC. Hubby and I want the same things but come at them so differently. After a discussion last night where I told him I was going to IC today, which made him nervous because I guess to him that means things aren't good between us, he said that trust was a choice. I said it just doesn't work for me like that.
He said just because ppl want to be his friends on facebook or LinkedIn doesn't mean they want to have sex with him. I was like - Whoa. ok.
Which I guess means many women are his contacts on LinkedIn, of which I haven't looked at in 2 years.
It went downhill from there and we woke up ok this morning like nothing had happened but he apologized and said he loved me and no one else, which is the thing I needed to hear 3 weeks ago.

So in IC she explained how he is so logical that trust IS a choice for him. And that I am different and trust is a feeling for me. I agreed. We talked about the pattern we get into of having the same fight and she drew me a graphic of how we can change the pattern - I say I'm insecure and ask for reassurance rather than asking why he does something. That we come to each other with things BEFORE they happen. We have been doing pretty good with this very recently. He did tell me he might have to go to the country club more often (OW1 is a member too) and I told him I was grateful he told me that and thanked him.
We also discussed (after the fact but still) of going to a party that OW1 is always at. I said I could handle about 20 minutes of it - we would go so he could show his face as a business person - so for 5 years of not going I could make a baby step in that direction. Interestingly enough, I was the one who brought it up. He just threw the invite away.

But he needs to tell me he's going to look someone up on FB. Or, he needs to give me the heads up on interaction with an attractive female simply for the reason of emotional transparency. And THAT is the thing that builds trust.

I wish we would have gone to her for MC.

katies is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 04:42 PM
Member
 
CharlieParker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: (n) a particular place or position.
Posts: 10,906
Re: Big Fight update

Sounds good and very positive, can you (plural, but mainly him) keep it up? (Rhetorical question.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
I wish we would have gone to her for MC.
Might he in future? I didn't really follow your previous thread(s), so sorry if I'm off.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
CharlieParker is offline  
post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Re: Big Fight update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieParker View Post
Sounds good and very positive, can you (plural, but mainly him) keep it up? (Rhetorical question.)


Might he in future? I didn't really follow your previous thread(s), so sorry if I'm off.
I think we're pretty much done with MC, although today in a phone call I expressed to him I wish she had been ours when we went.
katies is offline  
 
post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 08:53 AM
Member
 
Relationship Teacher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 686
Re: Big Fight update

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
I had a very good discussion with IC. Hubby and I want the same things but come at them so differently. After a discussion last night where I told him I was going to IC today, which made him nervous because I guess to him that means things aren't good between us, he said that trust was a choice. I said it just doesn't work for me like that.
He said just because ppl want to be his friends on facebook or LinkedIn doesn't mean they want to have sex with him. I was like - Whoa. ok.
Which I guess means many women are his contacts on LinkedIn, of which I haven't looked at in 2 years.
It went downhill from there and we woke up ok this morning like nothing had happened but he apologized and said he loved me and no one else, which is the thing I needed to hear 3 weeks ago.

So in IC she explained how he is so logical that trust IS a choice for him. And that I am different and trust is a feeling for me. I agreed. We talked about the pattern we get into of having the same fight and she drew me a graphic of how we can change the pattern - I say I'm insecure and ask for reassurance rather than asking why he does something. That we come to each other with things BEFORE they happen. We have been doing pretty good with this very recently. He did tell me he might have to go to the country club more often (OW1 is a member too) and I told him I was grateful he told me that and thanked him.
We also discussed (after the fact but still) of going to a party that OW1 is always at. I said I could handle about 20 minutes of it - we would go so he could show his face as a business person - so for 5 years of not going I could make a baby step in that direction. Interestingly enough, I was the one who brought it up. He just threw the invite away.

But he needs to tell me he's going to look someone up on FB. Or, he needs to give me the heads up on interaction with an attractive female simply for the reason of emotional transparency. And THAT is the thing that builds trust.

I wish we would have gone to her for MC.
Absent of additional context, I don't really agree that trust can be a decision that doesn't include the emotional aspect. That said, the developments are good. You two are working with one another, instead of things being unaddressed. There are many boundary concerns with your story and this demands you be included, somehow. You will be left feeling safe. He will be left seeing the boundary as a visual element.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
-
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Relationship Teacher is offline  
post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:30 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Warm in the summer, cold in the winter
Posts: 2,292
Re: Big Fight update

I have trust issues, that said I normally don't trust people, so the people who are good friends and family I allow to earn trust. For me trust is both a feeling and choice, I can't trust without either. I choose to allow someone to earn trust with me, and as we know each other better feelings and/or emotions are also a part.

Vulnerability builds trust, opening your heart to show your soft underside is a good way to build trust. I did this with my wife after her affair, it allowed me to begin to trust her again. Actions can build trust also, if you keep showing actions that you are all in to the marriage trust is formed and built upon.

From your post, and I may be totally off base here, but what I see is you don't feel safe. His social media accounts seem to cause anxiety for you. I'm not saying you don't feel safe at all, but you don't feel safe in regards to the social media. That's why I think it causes anxiety in you. Just my opinion from the post you wrote.

Trust will cause many arguments, feeling unsafe will cause arguments, and you need to differentiate the two. If you don't feel safe, you won't trust, if you trust, you will find yourself feeling more safe. I'm probably not explaining this well, but in my case as I felt safe my wife earned more trust. If her actions were suspect at all I would feel both unsafe and not trusting.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
drifting on is offline  
post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Re: Big Fight update

Quote:
Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
From your post, and I may be totally off base here, but what I see is you don't feel safe. His social media accounts seem to cause anxiety for you. I'm not saying you don't feel safe at all, but you don't feel safe in regards to the social media. That's why I think it causes anxiety in you. Just my opinion from the post you wrote.
.
I'm not sure it's the unsafe feeling or what. His job is way different than mine. He is in contact with many different people. I kind of don't even want to see who he is in contact with on LinkedIn. I may throw up how many women are on there. I would never be friends on FB with a hot young guy old enough to be my kid. I'm not sure it's a safety thing. It's a respect thing, to me.
I do not have a LinkedIn account. I am not in the business world. But I have had requests on FB from men where there would be no good reason for us to be friends. So why even bother?
And if my spouse were to get insecure about it I would dump that "friend" fast.

I guess there have been several instances in this recovery where i feel I've been disrespected.
He didn't sell the car right away. He is doing this social media bull****. Does it make me feel unsafe? not really. Disrespected - oh yeah.
I just decided I'm going to do what I want to do and not worry about protecting him anymore because he's not doing that for me.
If I want to be a yoga teacher and downward dog with my boobs hanging out then I'm going to.
And f(ck him if he doesn't like it.

Wow, I guess there was more to this.

other than that - things are going very well!

Last edited by katies; 03-03-2017 at 11:57 AM.
katies is offline  
post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:19 AM
Member
 
CharlieParker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: (n) a particular place or position.
Posts: 10,906
Re: Big Fight update

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
And if my spouse were to get insecure about it I would dump that "friend" fast.
Or Facebook totally, just sayin'

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
If I want to be a yoga teacher and downward dog with my boobs hanging out then I'm going to.
And f(ck him if he doesn't like it.
Elaborate. Is that a tit for tat thing? Doing what you want and saying **** it.

Not really related, my wife went to her first yoga class (pupil not instructor) recently, the boob anxiety was a big deal.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
CharlieParker is offline  
post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:52 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Re: Big Fight update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieParker View Post
Or Facebook totally, just sayin'



Elaborate. Is that a tit for tat thing? Doing what you want and saying **** it.

Not really related, my wife went to her first yoga class (pupil not instructor) recently, the boob anxiety was a big deal.
I absolutely would dump facebook if he asked or if it created issues with us.

Yes, it's a tit for tat thing. I have really tried not to do that... but I'm missing out on things I want to do because I'm conscious of how he would feel about it. But if it doesnt' matter to him, I may as well live the life I want to. He is.
katies is offline  
post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:51 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 229
Re: Big Fight update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieParker View Post
Or Facebook totally, just sayin'



Elaborate. Is that a tit for tat thing? Doing what you want and saying **** it.

Not really related, my wife went to her first yoga class (pupil not instructor) recently, the boob anxiety was a big deal.

I would have giggled as a 10 year old at these words, but why am I doing it 40 years later?
manwithnoname is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Big problem my husband likes his sister in Law simplysadmarriage General Relationship Discussion 50 01-28-2016 10:49 PM
OMG! HUGE fight with my husband! Stasia General Relationship Discussion 50 12-24-2015 04:31 PM
my wife and i had a huge fight over thanksgiving throwaway456 General Relationship Discussion 7 12-04-2015 06:08 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome