List of ways to build trust/believeing him? Suggestions please, please,please!

afterthefact · 12-24-2011, 09:39 AM

My story is in another thread but here is a very short summary:
-husband was verbally abusive to me and our daughter,
then caught husband with another woman (in our basement).
-he denied having an affair and tried to convince me the I hadn't seen her naked with him, this went on for over a month
-i found emails that suggested it had been going on for a while so he finally started with the trickle truth
-over 3-4 months he started to answer my questions - i wanted to know the details.
-we went to counseling (marriage and individual)
-he changed a lot of his behaviors - stopped yelling, stopped being aggressive and bullying, started interacting with our daughter (which he ignored before), was helpful and affectionate to both of us, did a lot more to help out around the house and with her, was more respectful with our parents and even with his friends.
-agreed to no contact with the other woman, shared his online usernames and passwords as well as access to his phone.
-things were improving, or so I thought, and then I overheard some conversations where he not only spoke badly about me to a friend but also told him that he had seen a lawyer etc.
-i confronted him and he lied about it - denied it all - it wasn't until I told him I heard him that he started to trickle truth again.
- he is now in counseling trying to work out his issues and 'why' he needs to lie.

So he's proven that I can't trust him or believe him.

Now for my question, I'm hoping that I can get some help to create a list of 'requirements' to move forward, to try to build trust and ways to believe him. Things that are measurable or that we can use to 'see' if there is really progress. As Shaggy suggested in a previous post, I need a "list of the things that he must do and along with each item a way to demonstrate or check on it". I need things that are specific to building trust and believing him. I've tried to come up with things but am drawing a blank. I can't see the forest from the trees ;(

I'd really really appreciate any input!!

morituri · 12-24-2011, 11:03 AM

Consideration is the opposite of thoughtlessness. If your husband wants to regain your trust, he must think how his actions will impact your emotional well being BEFORE he carries them out. For example, staying late at work to finish up a project. He may tell you to feel free to call his work phone number for anything. Consideration tells you that he cares for you.

EleGirl · 12-24-2011, 07:25 PM

Need to know some things first.

Does your husband work with this woman? Or how does he know her that she ended up in your basement ( ) ?

Does your husband have a computer that he uses at home? How about at work?

Does he have a cell phone?

afterthefact · 12-31-2011, 10:47 AM

EleGirl - she is our neighbour - would come over when I was out... husband said it was to confide in him about frustrations with work and her husband... then they fooled around, then they had sex.... he says that she came over maybe 1-2 times a week and they had sex 5-6 times over a 4 month periods.... i know she was over more like 4-5 days a week during some weeks...

yes he has a computer at home but rarely uses it since D-Day... it conveniently crashed and after getting running again he doesn't use much now.. and yes he has a computer for work... i know where you are going with this - no signs of contact on pc but we all know there are ways around it.

yes he has a phone and i have access and also no signs of contact via it since the day after d-day... but again he can text her and delete immediately - no way of tracking on our providers system.

he knows i check his PC and phone so if he wants to be in contact he can have another phone (which I haven't found) or use ways online that can't be seen.

he gave me all is online account info and passwords - but i know he has the odd other to sex/porn sites which he did not provide...but also havent' seen any activity on them either...

he does tell me where he is going when out but no way for me to track to be sure he is telling the truth - GPS (as others have mentioned) is not an option... i do call to check on him randomly and for the most part he does seem to be where he says but i can't check 100% of the time...

in general i've made it difficult to see her or anyone else but it's not impossible and time he has to do so is limited... if that is what he is doing...

my issue is that we have discussed the need for him to not lye about anything, to be open with his whereabouts, to put me and our daughter first... and he does this for the most part but when it's in his best interest he does the opposite...

for example, i overheard him speaking badly about me to a friend... i confronted him about it and he lied... first denied it, then when I gave him some details he shared more but still not the entire story and then when I told him everything I heard he then caved and told me what I already knew from hearing it... he says he is afraid to tell me things that he thinks will be the 'last straw' and I'll leave him.... and he said that the conversation with the friend was to try to help the friend with his own issues with his wife... in summary he is prepared to lie to anyone even friends to get them to do what he thinks they need to do ... because he knows best...

early on I gave him some info i found online about rebuilding trust - he read and said he understood the content and the need and would do what it said... but now I know that he is still prepared to lie and if he lies about one thing who is to say he isnt' lying about a lot of other things... for example how do I know he hasn't been in contact with OW, how do I know this was the first affair not just one of many, i asked and finally got details about the affair but now how do I know that what he shared was the truth vs a very mild version of the truth???

he stopped working late except for the the odd time but never stopped seeing his friends once a week - 2-3 hrs each time - says he needs time for himself too...

sorry i know this turned into venting...

that_girl · 12-31-2011, 10:54 AM

I don't think it can be done.

I'd be filing for divorce. Lying is bad enough but cheating? Yea. That's my deal breaker.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno · 12-31-2011, 01:32 PM

Having tried to trust someone like that here is a question.

Why would you want to work so hard to be able to trust someone who lies?

So you can trust him to do or not do specific things that are on a list. You will spend your entire relationship defining the terms of the list.

If an abuser wants to find a way to abuse/control/manipulate/play head game, he will. It is his nature.

Forget trust building. You will be able to trust when you feel it is the truth, not a specific truth, but the absolute truth of trust and commitment to marriage and your individual and joint and family welfare - physical and emotional. Anything else will fail.