Honesty in R

dingerdad · 12-24-2011, 04:01 PM

I am R with my fWW. My story is in a few other threads. There is NC happening between my wife and the OM. I have all the passwords etc and have been monitoring her. I have found nothing. I have done some research online into other ways to "spy" and have figured out how to recover deleted text messages, install keyloggers and install a secret cell phone tracker on her phone. I was trying to decide on taking these extra steps when R is going really good and with the monitoring I've been doing I have found nothing new to be suspicious about. Contact means divorce. She knows that, I know that. Instead of doing these things I decided to just tell her what i could do. In R honest an openness are a two way street are they not? She offered to recall the old deleted texts with me if Iwanted. That there was nothing new and nothing but the details I didn't know. I chose not to. She also volunteered to put a friend tracker app on her phone. I installed it on mine as well so we can see 24/7 where the other one is. This really helped me that she is so willing to do these things. Feels a lot better than me spying on her without her knowing. Like we are building trust together. Thought I would share. Merry Christmas.
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EleGirl · 12-24-2011, 04:54 PM

I'm not sure about this.

If it were me, I would try it first. See if anything turned up. If you tell everything then an affair can just go further underground. For example it's very easy to get a cell phone just for the two of them to communicate. You obviously do not still feel all that safe.

Is the OM married?

dingerdad · 12-24-2011, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EleGirl

I'm not sure about this.

If it were me, I would try it first. See if anything turned up. If you tell everything then an affair can just go further underground. For example it's very easy to get a cell phone just for the two of them to communicate. You obviously do not still feel all that safe.

Is the OM married?

He was. I don't know if he still is or not. Last contact I had had with OMW was when we sent the no contact letter to both of them.
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EleGirl · 12-24-2011, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingerdad

He was. I don't know if he still is or not. Last contact I had had with OMW was when we sent the no contact letter to both of them.
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So what do you think you will do now?

dingerdad · 12-24-2011, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EleGirl

I'm not sure about this.

If it were me, I would try it first. See if anything turned up. If you tell everything then an affair can just go further underground. For example it's very easy to get a cell phone just for the two of them to communicate. You obviously do not still feel all that safe.

Is the OM married?

He was. I don't know if he still is or not. Last contact I had had with OMW was when we sent the no contact letter to both of them. I still don't trust my wife if that's what
you mean. 10 months of lies will do that. Working with her on ways to make me feel more safe does a lot more for me than spying. I am still getting the info I need to feel secure and am honest about it
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Almostrecovered · 12-24-2011, 05:11 PM

Personally both worked best for me
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Allybabe_18 · 12-24-2011, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingerdad

He was. I don't know if he still is or not. Last contact I had had with OMW was when we sent the no contact letter to both of them. I still don't trust my wife if that's what
you mean. 10 months of lies will do that. Working with her on ways to make me feel more safe does a lot more for me than spying. I am still getting the info I need to feel secure and am honest about it
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Posted via Mobile Device.
I am more than willing to give pw's, access and whatever else my husband needs to be comfortable & begin building trust again. Not sneaking around, checking up is honest and it is a 2 way street. He is expecting 100% honest from me & I believe I can expect that in return. I have nothing left to hide, I have chose to make my family whole again . It really doesn't matter what the OM is doing w his W, it is now strictly about us & focusing on our R.

dingerdad · 12-24-2011, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EleGirl

So what do you think you will do now?

Not sure what you mean by this. R is going good. She is doing everything and more than I could ask. Continue what we've started I guess.
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warlock07 · 12-24-2011, 05:45 PM

Quote:

I have been through all the pain and hurt that many people on here have talked about. I did the 180 when she was moved out of our home and it was really good for me. Before I allowed her to move home she wrote the no contact letter and committed to doing the work needed to making this right and saving our marrige. I am past the 180 and am working on the issues that caused the marriage breakdown as is she. She has taken full responsibility for the affair. This affair occurred in two stages. The first began with what I think was what a think was a textbook walk away wife. I was blindsided, tried to do everything to fix things etc. We Legally seperated at this point and that is when her EA turned physical. It ended with the OM ending it and exposing everything to his wife. This is when I found out. I took my wife back at that time, she told me her passwords etc, and we started marrige counseling. She told me there would be no contact but I've learned now it never really stopped. They both agreed it was for the best that they go back to thier marriages but they stayed in contact for months as friends. Of course it turned into another EA. I found out when the OMW found some emails and called me. I asked her to leave and she did. Now she is back in the home and we are in R. She works in the same company as the OM but in different towns. He has given his notice to quit his job so I have not asked her to quit. She has talked to her boss and he will help her with no contact untill he is done. Yes, I exposed her to everyone.

I would never trust this person again. At no point the reason to get back was because she loves you. She doesn't want to lose her family(kids, support of her side of the family). Is it good enough for you?

EleGirl · 12-24-2011, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingerdad

Not sure what you mean by this. R is going good. She is doing everything and more than I could ask. Continue what we've started I guess.
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I asked what you are going to do now because you said you were unsure if you would tell her or not about further snooping. YOu do not sound secure even though you say all it going well.

So I was wondering if you have decided to tell or not.

dingerdad · 12-24-2011, 11:46 PM

I did tell. In snoop into whatever I want but I tell her after I do it.
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aug · 12-25-2011, 12:03 AM

She knows you're snooping. Now you have to be prepared in case she goes underground.

It's the constant vigilance that is draining. Hopefully, there comes a time in the future when the need diminishes.

lascarx · 12-25-2011, 04:40 AM

If I had wanted to be a detective when I grew up, I would've gone to cop school. I didn't so I didn't. Can't imagine myself deciding to become one now no matter how much she would beg. But it's your funeral.

DanF · 12-25-2011, 04:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingerdad

I did tell. In snoop into whatever I want but I tell her after I do it.
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Trust, but verify.

FourtyPlus · 12-26-2011, 08:44 AM

I don't think the snooping should be revealed to the cheating spouse. There's no point in snooping if the person that's being snooped on knows about it. I don't know if my husband still snoops and I don't want to know either. It absolutely does not matter to me if and it makes me feel good to be able to feel this way.