Honesty in R
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Honesty in R

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-24-2011, 04:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
dingerdad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 333
Default Honesty in R

I am R with my fWW. My story is in a few other threads. There is NC happening between my wife and the OM. I have all the passwords etc and have been monitoring her. I have found nothing. I have done some research online into other ways to "spy" and have figured out how to recover deleted text messages, install keyloggers and install a secret cell phone tracker on her phone. I was trying to decide on taking these extra steps when R is going really good and with the monitoring I've been doing I have found nothing new to be suspicious about. Contact means divorce. She knows that, I know that. Instead of doing these things I decided to just tell her what i could do. In R honest an openness are a two way street are they not? She offered to recall the old deleted texts with me if Iwanted. That there was nothing new and nothing but the details I didn't know. I chose not to. She also volunteered to put a friend tracker app on her phone. I installed it on mine as well so we can see 24/7 where the other one is. This really helped me that she is so willing to do these things. Feels a lot better than me spying on her without her knowing. Like we are building trust together. Thought I would share. Merry Christmas.
Posted via Mobile Device
dingerdad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-24-2011, 04:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,122
Default Re: Honesty in R

I'm not sure about this.

If it were me, I would try it first. See if anything turned up. If you tell everything then an affair can just go further underground. For example it's very easy to get a cell phone just for the two of them to communicate. You obviously do not still feel all that safe.

Is the OM married?
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 05:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
dingerdad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 333
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I'm not sure about this.

If it were me, I would try it first. See if anything turned up. If you tell everything then an affair can just go further underground. For example it's very easy to get a cell phone just for the two of them to communicate. You obviously do not still feel all that safe.

Is the OM married?
He was. I don't know if he still is or not. Last contact I had had with OMW was when we sent the no contact letter to both of them.
Posted via Mobile Device
dingerdad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 05:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,122
Default Re: Honesty in R

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingerdad View Post
He was. I don't know if he still is or not. Last contact I had had with OMW was when we sent the no contact letter to both of them.
Posted via Mobile Device
So what do you think you will do now?
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 05:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
dingerdad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 333
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I'm not sure about this.

If it were me, I would try it first. See if anything turned up. If you tell everything then an affair can just go further underground. For example it's very easy to get a cell phone just for the two of them to communicate. You obviously do not still feel all that safe.

Is the OM married?
He was. I don't know if he still is or not. Last contact I had had with OMW was when we sent the no contact letter to both of them. I still don't trust my wife if that's what
you mean. 10 months of lies will do that. Working with her on ways to make me feel more safe does a lot more for me than spying. I am still getting the info I need to feel secure and am honest about it
Posted via Mobile Device
dingerdad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 05:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Almostrecovered's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: SEPA
Posts: 8,951
Default Re: Honesty in R

Personally both worked best for me
Posted via Mobile Device
Almostrecovered is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 05:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 44
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingerdad View Post
He was. I don't know if he still is or not. Last contact I had had with OMW was when we sent the no contact letter to both of them. I still don't trust my wife if that's what
you mean. 10 months of lies will do that. Working with her on ways to make me feel more safe does a lot more for me than spying. I am still getting the info I need to feel secure and am honest about it
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device.
I am more than willing to give pw's, access and whatever else my husband needs to be comfortable & begin building trust again. Not sneaking around, checking up is honest and it is a 2 way street. He is expecting 100% honest from me & I believe I can expect that in return. I have nothing left to hide, I have chose to make my family whole again . It really doesn't matter what the OM is doing w his W, it is now strictly about us & focusing on our R.

Last edited by Allybabe_18; 12-24-2011 at 05:26 PM.
Allybabe_18 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 05:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
dingerdad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 333
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
So what do you think you will do now?
Not sure what you mean by this. R is going good. She is doing everything and more than I could ask. Continue what we've started I guess.
Posted via Mobile Device
dingerdad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 05:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
warlock07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6,984
Default Re: Honesty in R

Quote:
I have been through all the pain and hurt that many people on here have talked about. I did the 180 when she was moved out of our home and it was really good for me. Before I allowed her to move home she wrote the no contact letter and committed to doing the work needed to making this right and saving our marrige. I am past the 180 and am working on the issues that caused the marriage breakdown as is she. She has taken full responsibility for the affair. This affair occurred in two stages. The first began with what I think was what a think was a textbook walk away wife. I was blindsided, tried to do everything to fix things etc. We Legally seperated at this point and that is when her EA turned physical. It ended with the OM ending it and exposing everything to his wife. This is when I found out. I took my wife back at that time, she told me her passwords etc, and we started marrige counseling. She told me there would be no contact but I've learned now it never really stopped. They both agreed it was for the best that they go back to thier marriages but they stayed in contact for months as friends. Of course it turned into another EA. I found out when the OMW found some emails and called me. I asked her to leave and she did. Now she is back in the home and we are in R. She works in the same company as the OM but in different towns. He has given his notice to quit his job so I have not asked her to quit. She has talked to her boss and he will help her with no contact untill he is done. Yes, I exposed her to everyone.
I would never trust this person again. At no point the reason to get back was because she loves you. She doesn't want to lose her family(kids, support of her side of the family). Is it good enough for you?

Last edited by warlock07; 12-24-2011 at 05:52 PM.
warlock07 is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 11:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,122
Default Re: Honesty in R

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingerdad View Post
Not sure what you mean by this. R is going good. She is doing everything and more than I could ask. Continue what we've started I guess.
Posted via Mobile Device
I asked what you are going to do now because you said you were unsure if you would tell her or not about further snooping. YOu do not sound secure even though you say all it going well.

So I was wondering if you have decided to tell or not.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 11:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
dingerdad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 333
Default Re: Honesty in R

I did tell. In snoop into whatever I want but I tell her after I do it.
Posted via Mobile Device
dingerdad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-25-2011, 12:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
aug
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,044
Default Re: Honesty in R

She knows you're snooping. Now you have to be prepared in case she goes underground.

It's the constant vigilance that is draining. Hopefully, there comes a time in the future when the need diminishes.
aug is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-25-2011, 04:40 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 421
Default Re: Honesty in R

If I had wanted to be a detective when I grew up, I would've gone to cop school. I didn't so I didn't. Can't imagine myself deciding to become one now no matter how much she would beg. But it's your funeral.
lascarx is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-25-2011, 04:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,262
Default Re: Honesty in R

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingerdad View Post
I did tell. In snoop into whatever I want but I tell her after I do it.
Posted via Mobile Device
Trust, but verify.
DanF is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-26-2011, 08:44 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 544
Default Re: Honesty in R

I don't think the snooping should be revealed to the cheating spouse. There's no point in snooping if the person that's being snooped on knows about it. I don't know if my husband still snoops and I don't want to know either. It absolutely does not matter to me if and it makes me feel good to be able to feel this way.
FourtyPlus is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Honesty in sex RandomDude Sex in Marriage 12 11-05-2012 02:56 PM
male honesty/p.o.v. faithaqua The Men's Clubhouse 11 01-20-2012 05:07 AM
Honesty Please Ali67 General Relationship Discussion 28 08-22-2011 11:20 AM
Total Honesty CalmMarian Considering Divorce or Separation 0 06-08-2011 10:29 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:07 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.