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Getting it from all sides - angry

223K views 308 replies 85 participants last post by  bygone 
#1 ·
I just found out my wife has been having a sexual affair for more than a year. We've been married for 8 years, have 2 kids, and I thought we had a great marriage. We were good friends, had a lot of shared experiences and I thought we were really close.

She tells me that she still loves me and wants to go to counseling, but I feel conned and BSed and want out, no deposit, no return. I'm moving out after Christmas and plan to file for divorce after New Years. If she doesn't want the kids, they can live full-time with me, I can figure out how to make it work.

She has now put on this I'm-so-sorry-and-depressed act and both her family and my family are starting to hi-pressure me to try for reconciliation. I can't imagine ever wanting to be near her again, let alone sleep with her. I think if the other guy floats her boat she should go take up with him and be happy, and if she was willing to do it with him for this long, why isn't she doing what comes natural? (Must be the money, I guess.)

I don't know much about him, but I know he's not with anyone else, so it shouldn't be a problem from that end. I have no problem if love blooms eternal for them, it's time for me to start over and find something real of my own, I'm only going to live once.

I mean, let's face it, she's been screwing this other guy and hiding it from me for over a year. That's one month of lying for every year we've been married. Is there anything I'm missing here? I used to think that I was close to my family but with this latest, I'm also thinking of telling them to kiss my behind and adopt her if they think she's so great.
 
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#2 ·
Is there anything I'm missing here?
Nope. That about sums it up. Still, after you file, don't automatically discount any doubts you may have about leaving her for good. You are still raw with hurting. The process can be stopped, but maybe she needs to see that you are serious with filing.

I'm sorry that this has happened. Really bad timing, too. So sorry.
 
#5 · (Edited)
Go take a look below the signature here.

Read up on the "The 180 degree rule". This is for your benefit only -- to strengthen you emotionally so you can survival this with some dignity.

Also read "Just let them go".

Start to secure yourself financially and legally. For eg, no joint bank accounts, credit cards, debts, etc. Protect your assets.

Change your will.

Get yourself tested for a full panel of STDs, Hepatitis, etc.

Secure/hide your evidence.

Consult a lawyer?
 
#6 ·
Thanks for the support everyone. It's amazing how often you find that strangers are willing to stick up for you even when your own family starts stabbing you in the back.

My dad was just here and I finally had to kick him out of the house because his weak sermonizing was making me nauseous. I'll send him a link to this forum and he can read what people with guts have to say.

I have a good attorney and he says I can get out of this cheap as long as I have proof. Which I do.

Thanks again and Merry Christmas to everyone.
 
#7 ·
Lascarx,

Do you have children with our wife?

One thing you will find if you stick around here is that the posters are a mixed bag... some here have been cheated on and divorced their spouses because of it. Some have been cheated on and recovered their marriages. And some are the ones who cheated. So folks are coming from all different angles.

One thing I think all of us probably agree upon is that it's your choice what you want to do.

If you give your wife a chance and rebuild your marriage... it can happen and your marriage can be good even after an affair. Recovery is a long, painful process but can be rewarding.

If you want to just end it and move on, that's a valid response as well.
 
#18 ·
Lascarx,

If you give your wife a chance and rebuild your marriage... it can happen and your marriage can be good even after an affair. Recovery is a long, painful process but can be rewarding.
I'm not going to risk the time. Already got 8 years shot. Depending on how long I live, that could be 1 day out of every week down the tubes. Why throw good after bad?

Most states are no fault for divorce now. I doubt the evidence will do you any good.
My attorney says that you can put on a lot of pressure with good evidence, because cheaters don't like to have everything revealed to the entire world. He's done it before. And you know something? Even if she manages to extort some money out of me, we're pretty sure that I can get the kids.

Money is probably the answer. For the last year she had her fun at your expense. Now she is scared that the OM can't support her like you can.

BTW, how did you find out about it? What did she have to say when you confronted? Just curious.

If this is the deal breaker for you, then tell your family that you cannot live with a lying, cheating, low life person that does not respect you and your children. The option you mentioned above works too.

Why are you moving out? Shouldn't she pack her bags and go to the OM? After all that's what she has done for the past year behind your back. He's been getting all the benefits, is it not about time for him to take on the expense as well?
I found out about it because my computer broke down, I needed to send some stuff and I saw that hers was running. She'd been in a big hurry when leaving the house (probably to meet him) and forgotten to turn it off. I switched on the screen and it was basically all there.

When she got home, I got in her face, and she broke down and gave me a bunch of BS about how she had wanted to end it, had only started it because she felt lonely, etc. Lonely my rosy butt. I guess if there's a planet somewhere with more than 7 days in a week on it, then she should move there, because that's what she got from me. She said he doesn't compare to me and I said I didn't marry you because I wanted to be a regular on the Dating Game, even you say that the fix is in and I'll always end up winning after the final round of sampling.

I'm moving out because I know they were doing it here and living in a hot-sheet motel isn't my particular cup of Earl Grey. She says they never did it in our bed and I know she's full of BS, so I don't want to be constantly reminded and be wondering what was all over those sheets I slept in. Kids are coming with me, I've told the older one already that it's splitsville. There are plenty of kids in her school with divorced parents, so she knows what it means.

Man, am I glad that these kids look a LOT like me. There aren't many people who do, so at least I'm sure there.

My mom called me up today and tried to give me a lecture about forgiveness. I told her that if she didn't want some of what her beloved floozy daughter-in-law was getting, she should clam up quick. I can't believe you can be a good son and pride of the family for all of your life, and suddenly they take the tramp's side over yours. My sister (who I have bailed out of jail more than once) is even trying to give me the high-hat.

Thanks again people.
 
#9 ·
This is truly bad. How did you find out? Its odd that she is already saying she wants to work it out.

Take a little time before you make any life changing decisions. Seperate accts etc and protect yourself. Good luck, next Christmas will be better than this on for sure.
 
#10 ·
How did you find out? Is she sorry she made such a horrible mistake, or just sorry she got caught? Take your time and make your own decision.... you are the one that has to live your life.
 
#13 ·
Money is probably the answer. For the last year she had her fun at your expense. Now she is scared that the OM can't support her like you can.

BTW, how did you find out about it? What did she have to say when you confronted? Just curious.

If this is the deal breaker for you, then tell your family that you cannot live with a lying, cheating, low life person that does not respect you and your children. The option you mentioned above works too.

Why are you moving out? Shouldn't she pack her bags and go to the OM? After all that's what she has done for the past year behind your back. He's been getting all the benefits, is it not about time for him to take on the expense as well?
 
#19 ·
Your situation is reminiscent of oldmittens but a little less worse than his. His family practically attacked him for choosing to divorce his wife, who had been having a sexual affair for 2 years with his best firend, but unbeknownst to them she gave birth to the OM's child after their first sexual encounter. He ended all contact with his betraying family. It's bad enough to have an unfaithful spouse, but quite enough to have a betraying family.

You are neither week nor strong for choosing to divorce your wife after she proved to be a cheating wife. Your well being and that of your children is the most important thing for you to consider.
 
#21 ·
The way they're talking now, I'm almost expecting my mom to bust out with some revelation that I'm actually the product of her getting wet for the termite inspector. I used to look up to my dad but he's suddenly become so morally flabby that I can really imagine him putting up with it if it were true. Probably would offer them the bed so that they wouldn't have to use his bug-spray wheelie-cart. Lord God, what a collection of belly-crawlers. Maybe the stork really did bring me because being the same blood as these people does not compute.

I'm thinking of calling my ex-brother-in-law up and asking him what really went on between him and my sister, and if his family tried to stick a knife in him too. I know that they broke up because her skirt was somehow wired to fly up every time some guy looked at her cross-eyed. But you know, I had respect for family so I stayed out of it as much as I wanted to take his side and tell her off. She even gave him the clap but I can't recall her getting as much grief as I'm getting now. Maybe we guys are just expected to suck it up.
 
#20 ·
I found someone like me on this forum...

What I mean is that I like you just divorced her - no second chance...

She disrespected you,humiliated you,made a fool of you and had sex with another man for a year and now you should accept her back and spend money on MC,IC and try to heal something that you will never forget if you stay with her...Its better to spend the money on your kids then on the MC...

Sorry but I will tell you that apparently everyone in your family is crazy,because noone normal will suport a cheater...

Life is to short to suffer and live miserable and I wish you and your children a lot of luck and happiness in future and I wish you to find a decent girl that will respect you and love you like you deserve...
 
#22 ·
Friend, that's the truth if I've ever heard it. And I don't get this "second chance" manure. If I decided that I wanted to dip it elsewhere, I'd own that and get divorced first. Nothing wrong with finding out you made a mistake by getting married, people get life experience as they go on living. But duplicity is what makes the human lower than the animal.
 
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#23 ·
This boat is more crowded than you think...though they don't know all the details my family (at least parents) know that my STBXW did cheat and two years later are still on this "forgiveness, things can and will get better" thing. Mom thinks she can talk us through to getting back together. Dads approaching it from the religious side...and though the screamed at me for months that I am an unforgiving a$$hole, STBXW made it clear that because I was trying to get passed it and work on all the things she was blaming me for that "caused her to cheat" I rolled over and was essentially to much of a p*$$Y for her.

There isn't much of an option but to do what is best for your piece of mind and well being.
 
#24 ·
I've heard of that. Do like the stereotypical manly-man and it means you're insensitive, but if you don't, you're a wuss. Either way, whoever's doing what you're not, gets the goodies. Didn't think wifey was like that, but I guess they all show their stripes in the end. Out on the end of my boot, I say.
 
#26 ·
In my case, I don't know and I don't care. Of course she now wants to "disclose absolutely everything" but she doesn't get it - I DON'T CARE.

Just offered to take the kids out today so that she could invite him over. I mean, she did it with him on my bd, so she should also be able to do it with him on big JC's, don't you think? Festive occasions deserve celebration. I never saw myself as "alpha" but sure, I'm magnanimous.
 
#30 ·
Only about the wasted time. I think I know now how a long-time doper feels after finally getting clean - "did I really blow all that time? you mean I don't get a second chance at that decade?" It doesn't make my skin crawl when I think about all the years of faked closeness, but it's a sad state for everyone when bags of lies walk the earth and can't be told from human beings. Hope my kids got my chromosomes.

Whatever. Outside of my marriage, there were real, tangible advances in my life over the past years, can't dispute that. Concentrate on the good and kick the garbage into the gutter. Excelsior, excelsior.
 
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#29 ·
I commend you on your confidence and decision making. We need guys that haven't given their testicles to their wives along with their wedding rings here. A lot of the posters need your example. Maintaining alpha male status is manifestly important. Whether you choose to divorce or not, you have to be alpha to enforce boundaries on the WW. Or to stay strong when family and friends try to convince you to suck it up and put a smile on your face, and play the good little cuckold. The beta's on here follow their cheating skanks around like puppies begging and pleading for them to give them one more chance. Disgusting. Being beta removes all choice, self determination and self respect. They might as well have a pair of Nueticals instead of testicles. So stick around and put to good use the experiences you have gone through. Your example is sorely needed.
 
#31 ·
Now she's talking about wanting to croak herself. I told her that if she decides to do the deed today, to go to my parents' place or her boyfriend's place to do it, I don't want my Christmas messed up with the cops. I don't understand why she doesn't get it - I can't believe a word she says, so she should stick a cork in it and stop bothering me. It's starting to boggle my mind that I married such a stupid person and never recognized it.

I don't know if I'm being "alpha", but why would anyone in their right mind put up with these kinds of BS histrionics? Then again, I look at my dad now with his "forgiveness" crapola and wonder if his brain got poisoned from his career as a chemist. Maybe we're all "alphas" but pollution and bad food has sent the species into decline.

Taking the kids out for pancakes. I really like being with my kids, that hopefully won't change even if I think that their mother is a parasitic twit.
 
#32 ·
I am going to be the exception. You need to go back and read your own post. I feel you need to get into IC to take care of your own issues. You really come across as one that only thinks of his own needs and I could understand why your WW would feel disconnected. That does not excuse the A in any way shape or form. I come up with this due to the comments you have made about your own parents. A lot of marriages can recover but it takes two strong people to do so and you are not one of them so your WW would be better off with a D.
 
#35 ·
I really do not care if I am strong or weak in the eyes of God or man. Main thing is January 2012 and reaching for that big old spray can of Floozy-B-Gon.

I was always concerned with her needs until I found out about the affair. I really thought we were a healthy, communicative couple without secrets. Then - you got it right, I disconnected bigtime. Give yourself a prize.

And if my parents are hurt, they should learn to take it as well as they can dish it out. If they want to side with her and call me names, they should be able to take the consequences. There is nothing in my family's past that would warrant this kind of betrayal. My parents and I were always close until my wife's affair. My sister got into bad company and pills as a teenager and I was the one who got her out. With love, not force. She's still got problems but at least she doesn't do dope. I saved her life and this is what I get?

Sure I have issues. Who doesn't? And yes, my WW would be better off with a D, and so would I. I've told her that already. So thanks for concurring.

Lascar,

You stated previously you didn't care who the OM was. Since you're moving on, I get it. However, lots of stories here involve the OM/OW being someone the BS knows. Wouldn't you want to know if that possibility exists in your situation? Or did she explain that you dont know the OM?
Only thing I'm interested in is whether or not the OM is married or in a relationship, because it would be a nice clean solution for wifey to hie her butt thence and go to him with a minimum of trouble. My wife says he's single, so the stage should be already set for angels singing and conjugal bliss, am I right? The rest doesn't concern me. If it turns out to be one of my friends, well, that's another acquaintance gone south.

Be careful... This may or may not be an empty threat. Your story is similar enough to other cases on these boards that I think she could genuinely experience a mental break. See the below link

Mental breakdown of DW after D-day

You may be tempted to say "Not my problem", but unfortunately this is the mother of your children. No matter what has happened, you don't want to put your kids through that. Make sure she gets some professional help.
Just got back and she's still breathing fine. Only suicidal thing she appears to have done is to take up smoking again, and I don't have a problem with that as long as she does it out of the house. It's cold outside right now but after New Years, I'll be out anyway and she can stink up the place to beat Jesus for all I care.
 
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#36 ·
You are so right on with your attitude and thinking. What I find so amazing about cheating spouses is that they apparently think if they are caught then they will simply stop the affair and everything will go back to the way it is.....NOT.

The fact that she was screwing him for a year and especially that she brought him to your home to screw is highly symbolic. It is the ultimate in degrading the spouse and the relationship. I do hope you get tested for STD's. She thought she was playing you as the fool only she was the one that ended up being the fool.

By the way since she is such a liar I would not believe that the OM was single. Your wife is in damage control but clearly it will not work on you. It is sad that you wasted 8 years (not really since you have your kids) but imagine if this happened 20 years after being married to her. Move forward and don't look back. You are on the right path. Good luck.
 
#39 ·
No, it was a week ago. God only knows if it was the first time, but that's none of my beeswax any more.

I wonder, if one's spouse cheats on them, does that negate the entire relationship? All the pleasant times that were shared?
I guess if you're the appropriate sort, you can surely enjoy some pleasant times with an "escort." It's however sad if you thought you had a relationship and she was just maintaining her meal-ticket. But like I said, no soap opera necessary, we live and we learn.
 
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